Deomo's Ordeal

Friday Night: December 31st, xxx4

We met in the temple. Cauil sat in the Office and Max in my little house.
I took the same meditation pose with Deomo as I did with Maxell earlier. Deomo was nervous. I could feel him all tense. Not scared. But very very uncertain. This would be ... a forging of a bond ... no one knows the outcome. But we do know... he will see the truth of his past. He will then need to face that truth and rise beyond it.

I meditated and shifted into the trance. Then connected to that tenuous bond. Then reach... reached and opened that bond, with Maxell's help, strengthened it. I pulled Deomo in to the visions. I reached up and touched the pendant and pulled Deomo deeper So he could see through the eyes of his child self. I... I was from the point of view of the pendant. The trust was seen there. Maxell sensed it. Deomo relived it.... every horrific ounce of it. I wanted to hold him and shelter him from the sight. But... he needed to see, for himself, and face it... just as I had to relive and face my trauma on Lok.

He danced on the edge of panic, the feral rising. Then he unleashed it. He raged. He raged at the walls. He raged at the pillers. He raged against the world. The galaxy has been so cruel to some of us. He raged... and then just collapsed. I called him. I called along our new bond. I called him back. I know he did not see everything. I saw something else. Maxell had whispered for me to remove the pendant. But... I could not... could not take the last thing a boy received from a loving father. I couldn't. When Deomo came round... so much changed. His colouring, his face, his eyes, the pendant. Like a cloak of dark magic... ancient... not exactly evil... but terrifying... enveloped him. He left the Temple. Ominous words upon his lips. Maxell urged me to go after him. But... I was spent. Drained... I could not even stand. I will have to call him back. if I cannot... Then Deomo will be lost. And the trial to balance with the feral... a failure. I will call him back. I have a bond with him. I can do it. Just... just not tonight.

Haunted

Max's harsh word still stung me. Sobered me. But I must do this... this Ordeal for Deomo. I thought of the bonds... my bond with Max... and the bond I will make with Deomo. The two tai'shan bonds that exist.

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
I know you're still there
Watching me ... Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you ...loving you
I won't let you pull me down
Hunting you ... I can smell you - alive
Your heart pounding in my head
Watching me ... wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me ... raping me... Watching me

Remembering the Pendant

After a few minutes... long minutes, I was able to move again. Took stock of myself and the disorientation passed. I set up a field base. And we sat for some quiet tea. We are both stressed about this evening's coming ordeal with Deomo.

Maxell asked me about the pendant Deomo wears. Asked me what I saw when I touched it the other day.

*idea!!*

I was going to just try to explian the chaos of images I saw... but then... I had an idea... I am already bonded with Max! I could test the new technique I learned and see if I can draw him in to see what I saw from my memory. And now that things are a bit calmer... maybe... Damn... this is stressful. I am glad to get the opportunity to try this with Maxell first. Just to know if it will work at all. I asked him. He agreed. Thank gods.

*acceptance*

Maybe this will help him to see why I do what I do for Deomo.

*trust*

Maxell sat before me. Comfortably... quietly... watching me. Oh, I can so get lost in his deep blue eyes. *focus... he is my tai'shan and we are bonded... and if I bond to Deomo... it will not negate this bond (i hope)... and i will not die trying this technique with Max* I knelt in my meditation pose, my knees touching Max's, and closed my eyes. I allowed my mind to drift a bit and calm. The breeze rustled the grass and leaves. I took Max's hands in mine. Strong, warm, gentle... *breathe*
*center* I focused myself on the core of me...
*ground* I anchored myself and balanced my spirit...
*breathe* I can do this... I must...
*a calm settled in me... like I have known in peaceful times meditating in the temple*
*the whispering in my head quieted*
I could hear Maxell's breathing and his heart beat ... slow and steady.
Awareness of the field base faded... as did the awareness of the forest...
Maxell seemed to glow in my mind's eye. A soft warm glow... full of concern and love.
*trust*
I reached for Maxell and drew him along our bond.
*slowly shift to light trance state*
*breathe*
*slowly shift to a deeper trance state*
Maxell was in the same calm as I was...made for an easy transition. I hope it will be like this for Deomo... but I doubt it.
*trust*
I pulled Maxell deeper... with me... and focused on the memory.
I pictured Deom... clear in my mind... standing before me in the ritual space of the temple.
Maxell would see what I see. When I do this with Deomo, I will pull him in so he sees what he saw through the eyes of the child he was then. I reached for the pendant and touched it lightly.
~~~
FLASH!
A small home, simply furnished.
A dark Zabrak man placing the pendant on a boys neck, concern and love in the man's eyes.
FLASH!
"Never take this off. Remember. Trust."
FLASH!
The a tall cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows.
FLASH!
Silver blades and blue electricity flashed.
FLASH!
Mixed with the sights and sounds of blood, flesh and bone.
FLASH!
The boy stood in shock, covered in his father flesh and blood. The scene a horror before his eyes.
FLASH!
The stranger stepped toward the boy.
A whisper from deep within me said Shadow Ancestor.
~~~

Then slowly the scene faded and the forest and fieldbase came back into my awareness. I was a bit shaken. The horrific scene made me tremble. Max had a pensive look. He has now seen what I saw. He steadied me through our bond. Lent me strength. When I do this with Deomo... it will sap me... I know. I explained to Max that Deomo has lived his life believing that he is some wild uncontrolable animal for having killed his own father, a father who loved him, and now serves the Empire as the dog of war... believing he is nothing better than that... no matter what is deep inside him. And yet... he not have acually killed him at all. And I had touched what is deep inside him and he desperately wants to be... BE ... a whole person. I think Max understood, now, the importance of all this. I think. There was deep concern and understanding in his eyes. And sadness. He knew I had to forge this bond for Deomo. Deomo needs to know the truth... the truth of whether he actually did kill his father or that something else did. *sacrifice* I know this will tear me between them forever. But it is the only way I can do it. Max understood that too. And reassured me that he will be with me to strengthen me and balance me... to be my anchor. I will need it.

The only concern now was how to manage all this. After some thought and talk, he decided that Cauil would stay in the office while I lead Deomo through this. Deomo had said Cauil is the only one he could trust if it really came down to him losing it and needing to be taken out for my safety. Maxell... he did not want around at all. So Maxell will be down the road in my litle house, close enough to rush back but far enough to give Deomo space. Maxell will keep track of the trancework through our tai'shan bond and comm with Cauil for anything of use... like if Cauil needs to rush out to save my skin.

Deomo assures me he will not lose it... and that if he does, I will never be the target. I could only think of how I wanted to kill Max in my ordeal... I pray Deomo is right. Because Deomo will not be tied down as I was.

Harsh words: December 31, xxx4

After learning some trance techniques from Kimbrya and discussing with her how to proceed with Deomo's emotional/spiritual challenge...I needed to talk with Maxell. Things and choices in the tai'shan bond(s) may... will change... I am afraid. I think as afraid as Max was before my challenge. I will need to forge a bond with Deomo... open to and connect with the tai'shan bond there... how will it effect my bond with Maxell? I am to lead Deomo back... back to the time of his father's death... to see the truth of what happened there. Did he kill his father or not? I could just do a visioning... "see" and then describe it to him... but he may not really believe what I see. So I must pull him in to see if for himself. He trusts me... but not enough to just take my word on something like this. But to pull him in... I will have to connect with him via that tai'shan bond... accept it, open up to it... forge it. I dread. I worry. I will forever be torn then, more so than I am... between two men I care about... who deeply hate each other. I promised Deomo... that i would never give up on him. I promised my soul to Maxell *even if i have not spoken thus aloud to him*. Need calls me to do this. But can Max handle it? I will need his strength, balance and support. Can I handle it?

We traveled out to Naboo to a nice wooded area and I set up camp... and we talked. I explained what I was going to do. That I was going to have to reach for the tai'shan bond with Deomo and actively connect with it... and that... I am not sure of the future events from this action. Max was... upset... understandably so... hurt, upset... I then had Aico's words driven home. I suddenly was reminded how Max was trained in psychology and information intelligence... and knows how to say the right, or wrong thing when necessary. (not that it works with Deomo... but it sure did here) He didn't understand my reasoning for this act I was about to engage in with Deomo. His emotions got in the way. And, not realizing, pulled his support out from under me and cut me with harsh words... true words, making them harsher...

How could I?! How could I possible have feelings for a man as cruel and dangerous as Deomo? Look at what he has done... the murders, the tortures... wild and willing with the feral... a dog sent by the Imperials do wreaks havoc and destruction. A man who has been thrilled buy his work.... I man who had enjoyed torturing the tai'shan of my dearest friend... so badly she miscarried her child. The man who executed her and stood watch over her preventing the clone bots from claiming her body. How could I possible want... like... have affection and care for such a man. I don't know.

I could not answer him. How could I in the face of such evidence? How could I explain that Deomo... is not... with me... he is... dammit! The feral and Imperial orders.... Deomo isn't like that inside. But... Oh how Max's words, charged with his pain and animosity, cut right through me.

He chose his words well... to cut the deepest. How could I possibly accept being tai'shan to such a man... and willingly join that bond when Max is here, tai'shan ans bonded to me already. He was worried, felt threatened... there was some sort of concern underlying it all. But I could not figure it out. I did not know what to say to him. I did not CHOOSE to have a second tai'shan. I DIDN't CHOOSE THIS... ANY OF THIS!! I can't explain it. Max was hurting from the thought hiding in his mind. I could not justify this attraction. Max, in his pain raged silently. I felt that. He raged... his hatred lancing our frail bond.

I could not stand it any longer.Max's intensity of emotion along the openness of our bond. I... needed space... escape... to get away it. *dizzy* I have not learned to use my empathy to block what was hitting me. Instead I reached... I reached and summoned the feral. I tensed. I ran. Ran as fast as I could push myself. Abandoning the camp. I ran. The directin didn't matter. I ran blindly. Through the woods. Over the hills. I never noticed Max's hunting cat keeping pace with me. I ran. *pained* I ran... from Max. Tried to flee from his hatred, his pained emotions, his very presense... almost wanting to flee from our tai'shan bond... but that was impossible.

I ran far and fast. Then *WHAM!* Something hit me out of nowhere. Knocked the wind from me. I hit the ground gasping for air. I stood to run again... or fight. *WHAM!!!* The pike struck me in the head. Karking Mauler gang members! The hit was so hard that I lost my senses. Blacked out. For how long? How long fof I lie in the grass unconscious? The quick of the hunting cats heart was close by my ear. Somewhere in the calming darkness I could hear it. I light breeze kissed my face. The grass was cool. Where? Where am I? What... happened? A speeder zoomed by. *silence and darkness* Then the pain in my head throbbed. Aware again... barely. The pike clashed against something. A gurrcat snarled. A shot was fired. *darkness*

..... ...... ......

I drifted... floating...

"Never strike her!" I hearn Max's voice in the distance. More shots were fired.

I opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. *dazed* I tried to reach the feral... but just couldn't. Close my eyes again. Welcoming the darkness... the silence... the peace.

The grass was cool. the breeze gentle. The warnth of the hunting cat was comforting. I breathed easy. The pain still there, but not blindning me. I still could move. My body just would not obey me.

*tai'shan?* Max called hesitantly.

I wanted to burst into tears. (but i didn't)

Why must we be hurt so? The gods... Whay have they done this to us... all of us?

Max kneeled beside me. His hand touchong my face gently, inspecting the blackening bruise there... concern in his eyes. He tended my wounds while I still lay there, unable to move. I could not summon up enough orientation to move. He helped me to sit up. Embraced me.... He no longer had words. He could no more bear my wanting to leave him than I could bear surviving without him.

*acceptance*

Friday Frustration... a No Go... Again

We were all ready. Even Kimbrya. But Brem... Brem was no where to be found. No where. He was not responding to his comm.

Kimbrya took a moment and sensed along their bond to discover Brem deep in a dangerous Force mission.

So we had to frustratingly change our plans. We will do Deomo's Ordeal tonight instead.

But first... there were things that needed. Kimbrya and I needed to talk further about technique, about my gifts and how to use them. Rudimentary training... but it will have to do. Also... Max and I NEEDED to talk. I feared it would not be a good talk.

Fire'Fly in the Temple

I was planning on setting up for Brem's challange today. I headed out across Dantooine, speeding over dills and field, past stray houses and factories... Seeking the ... "right" spot for this event.

Then a piket was surprised by my approach and stood so suddenly. I veer at a dangerous angle. Other stood in surprise! 4... 5... 7... Then angered the charged me! I swerved. Barely missed a tree. And out lept a raging voritor! Knocked me over swoop and all! I could not get to my armor. My sword lost on the sand. I struck and ran. Piket blocking my path. The voritor hungry for me. A piket reared. Hoof catching me in the chest.

*Maxell!*

(he couldn't hear me.... empathically blind!)

I struggled to my feet as the voritor's jaws sunk into my arm. *PAIN*

*Deomo!*

I fought with all my strength. I summoned the feral for speed. I had to get to my swoop.

*I am coming. Hold on Scar'let! SCARLET!!* (Deomo)

I never made it to my swoop.

I woke in the cloning facility of Win Du. Disoriented I walked out to the road.

*I am coming.* (Deomo)

I called my pips, my little medical droid, and started stitching my arm where the voritor bit me. Damn. It swallowed by blue bangles. I hope it chokes on them. Deomo pulled up on his swoop and lept off to see to me. I will be fine. My pride was most wounded. I am a better hunter than this. I acted carelessly. I should not have even been caught in this situation. He watched me. Almost amused. I humbled myself and asked for an escort on my hunt for a location. He escorted me, watching over me like a great warrior. There was comfort in the shadow he cast across mine. We stopped at the Jedi Shrine down the road. I told him of my plans for Brem's challenge. Asked him to help... and to maybe talk with Cauil after. I ... relunctantly agreed... agreed because I asked him.

Maxell tagged my comm then. To say there was avisitor to the temple. Asking me what he should do. I told him to welcome her, introduce her to the temple. That Deomo and I were =on our way there soon. The visitor... Fire'Fly... a twi'lek warrior woman. Three words I thought to never see strung together. Deomo knew her by name. A Member of SSS that had been away for a very very long time.

I found a place along the way back that would be suitable for Brem's challange and sent Maxell the waypoint. The rain came and soaked me before we reached the temple. Rained on... I am always karking rained on... especially at the worst possible moments. Great! I will look like a wet cat to greet our new guest. *groan*

I entered with Deomo. Maxell had gone downstairs to get me a towel and find me dry clothes. I bowed to Fire'Fly and excused myself to change. Deomo and her sat... and talked. Max was started by my entry into the bedroom, bad stitching and bandaging, blood ... and rain... I was a right mess. He helped me get cleaned up and healed my wounds. Then I changed. I listened to Deomo and Fire'Fly talk above, my hearing keener than Max's or so I thought. I Stepped into Maxell's arms. His warmth filling me, comforting me. We smiled to hear the soft exchange of words above. Deomo... was so... calm and quiet... warm toward her. We gave them some time to talk, while we took a moment to just hold each other.

When we went upstairs, Maxell said he was heading out to check out the waypoint I sent him. I know it was to keep distance with Deomo. To not cause unnecessary friction. I spoke a bit with Fire'Fly. She came here to find peace... and to learn about herself. The temple is here for all peoples. Here to offer such things as peace and self-discovery. A santuary. A home.

Fire'fly
From what I learned from Maxell's talk with her:
- Twi'lek elders saw in her an urge to be a warrior and frowned upon it, discouraging it.
- Was from loving but unattached parents.
- Believes she is full-blooded Twi'lek
- Also believes she was actually adopted, actually the daughter of the elite Twi'lek warriors.
- Has a goal to discover herself, understand her warrior side, and learn self-control.
- Loses herself in battle at times, lost to a rage and hatred... of her target... and herself.
She seemed to really like the Orange Meditation Room

We did not get to have much time to talk beyond introductions. Deomo had asked her to go retrieve something for him from their old guild hall. I ... think he was uncomfortable with her and I together in the same space. I am also certain he has a fondness for her he has never admitted. So... I asked him. He ... is her commander. So his feelings are not permissible. i shows a gentleness few see, but maintains professional distance. * I can almost feel his pain *

A No go...

Thursday night. Dec. 30. We were supposed to do Brem's Emotional-Spiritual challenge. Unfortunately, Kimbrya was not well. And the timing of everyone was just not matching up.

I feel so awkward having to be one who is going through the rites... and one who has to lead them. Along with all the other challenges I have in my life... tai'shan bond with Maxell, tai'shan bond of a sort with Deomo, stressing about Kimbrya's health for both the knowledge she holds and for the fact that she is Brem's tai'shan, Brem who worries so much about Kimbrya but seems so strong for her... this Temple and the calling to be a priestess.

So Brem's challenge was a no go... this evening.

The whispering in the temple is so silent. I feel like I have gone deaf. Maxell says it is so I can get a handle of myself.

Will I be able to do the role I am called to do? Will I be able to be the priestess I had vowed to be? I have so many concerns. I feel like I have ruined so many lives... instead of helped them. That may only be my perception.

I am especially worried about Deomo's challenge to come. I will have to use gifts I have not ever used consciously. Kimbrya has been instructing me... but ... I... doubt myself. I know I must do this... for Deomo... but can I follow through? Will I have the strength? I am the only one he trusts....

I wish my rites were over now so I did not have the last one weighing on me. Kimbrya has much to teach me of the role of clergy... what their role was in the temple. Hmmm... I should go chesk out the old temple again sometime.

Maxell - Ebe - Cauil

I am pained to see maxell so distraught. He is still empathically blind. He is without a sense for the first time in his life. I wish I could reassure him. he is finding some solare praying in Fyrshka's room. Perhaps he seeks the comfort of another Creature Handler... someone who knows what it is like to be that sensitive.

I do... I know... but... I have shied from my gift for so long.

And Maxell and I... there seems to be distance between us... no matter if I am in his arms or not... distance. I want to cry for it.

We took some time for us today. I took him up on my ship. I flew for a change. Sotra. I brought him on so he could pick up some stuff. And so I could get my bantha ward that Brem made for me. Then I flew to Tattooine. But I got nervous and frustrated. I couldn't find the spaceport. Maxell offered to land us. I was so embarrassed... but had to let him... I didn't know what to do.

We landed in MosEisley. I haven't been here for a while. There was SYTH jedi attacking a couple of SOS Rebels that were trying to get some distance from him. When one was down, I quickly administered a stim to him. The SYTH Jedi sensed me... knew me for a rebel and cut me down before I could run. I woke in the cloner with Maxell worriedly standing over me. He took me to the cantine and healed me and had me relax there a bit.

In the cantins... awkward of all awkward things... Ebe was there. Ebe is Max's ex-wife and mother of their son. I bowed to her as I would anyone I show respect for. Then gave them some spce to talk together. I was shy, uncomfortable. I had messed up so much of Maxell's life... She seemed so good and friendly and nice. I wonder why they split up... What am I doing with him... As she left she hugged me. Humans are so "touchy-feely". I froze. I think Maxell was amused.

We went out to the Lakeside Scantuary of Fyrshka's. He had never been there. I showed him the house. We walked around the lake. We talked a bit. Blimey was going to show me how to swim here. But... he and I have not spoken in such a long time. Maxell offered too. He suggested an indoor pool first. *smile* I felt silly.

I then led him around the lake to a spot I like for camping. I set up a small camp. We talked over the ordeal. We sat and listened to the night. We reassured each other that there was no hatred between us. We reviewed what I had learned.

Then we had to plan Brem's Emotional-Spiritual Ordeal. Kimbrya had given me a datadisk to look over on the matter and some instruction. We planned here in teh camp a bit. Then headed to the Temple to finish the planning. We called in Cauil to the Temple. And discussed the matter with him. Updated him on what has been going on with the rites. Asked for his assistance. Cauil agreed to help... to even talk with Deomo if it were possible. And he agreed to help with Deomo's trial. We worked on the planning a bit more. Maxell went to bed before the conversation was over as I had to discuss with Cauil my "bond" with Deomo and Maxell just couldn't bare to hear it. I explained what I could to him. He seemed to understand. He must have been doing research on his own. When I discussed Deomo's trial to him, he wanted information I just didn't know. I told him that when Kimbrya was up and about again, I would have her contact him. He asked about Kimbrya. How she was doing. He was so remorseful for what had happened to her. Ashamed. The things he has done in the name of "duty". It was hard to feel it off him. He so needs the solace of this temple. He misses it... like Home, he had called it. When I retired to curl up with Maxell in our very tiny bed, I had told Cauil to explore the temple and see the changes.

Decompression, Dec. 29, xxx4

We all met at the Temple again to review what we did and what we learned. This... did not go so well. None of were sure if we succeeded in our trials. I wasn't sure. Brem thoguht his was a disasterous failuer. Deomo felt he wasn't even challenged.

Kimbrya was helping us discuss... and Max and I sorted out that I had learned from my ordeal. I had. And I think I am stronger for it. I just need time for it all to sink in now.

Maxell and Deomo were like oil and fire in and artillery bunker full of grenades... Eventually I had to just go talk with Deomo in private and let Maxell talk with Brem instead.

I missed that whole discussion. But I feel it went very well. Brem and Maxell seemed to rally come to some sort of understanding. I could feel from both of them growing respect and trust.

Deomo... has such a hard time communicating and setting aside his anger with people. Yet... he is so very different with me. When I asked him what he felt was a more suitable physical/mental challenge... he said I was. I am his most difficult challange. He wants me so very badly, but has to exert physical control over his desire for me... exert mental control to not cross any lines or bring harm to other near me. I was rocked by his words. They made me want to be all the more close to him. But... he chose not to interfere with the bond between Maxell and I... despite the fact that he has a similar bond with me.

Something dawned on me... about this tai'shan bonding i share with Maxell and with Deomo. Maxell knows things of me past all my walls and barriers... he can see to the depth of me. Sometimes it is too intense. Deomo and I do not have that. There is comfort in that... that some things are my own and unshared... no commitment. Yet I do love the commitment between me and Max, don't get me wrong. Just sometimes I need that space.

The next ordeals weigh heavy on my mind. I am supposed to help with them and a key person... like Maxell was for me....

Maxell and I need to talk more though... about us... and that ordeal I already experienced... and our bond... we ... need us time.

But the rites need to proceed.

Post First Ordeal: Dec. 28, xxx4

He fired four shots. Freeing me of my bonds. As I pulled myself up shakily into a sitting ball, he collapsed to his knees before me. His face bloody from the nose and ear. Dust and dirt and tears streaked his cheeks. He tried wiping himself with a cloth, and was now partially dressed. I reached my hand up to touch his face... to confirm that he was really there and that it was the Max I knew. I could not form words. Like I had forgotten how to speak. As my hand came up, I saw the blood flow from my wrist... and just stared at it. I did not feel pain. I felt a bit light headed... He took hold of my hands and carefully peeled the blood-slicked ropes from my wrists and began bandaging them. Apologies tumbled from his lips in the barest of whispers.... apologies for having had to push me like he did. I wanted to hold him so close to reassure him that I understood. I reached along our bond... so frayed.... and called a calm energy to flow along it.

*stunned shock* This reverberated back! He... could not feel my emotions. Not unless I sent them along our bond. He was empathically blind. He was on the virge of panic. Oh gods... did I do that? Did I actually dump my experiences on him along our bond? Did I actually send the burning ball of fire to burn out his senses? Oh gods... he must have felt what I felt anyways. He is an empath... was... He was frightened. Unsure ... blind... I touched his face and tried to sooth his heart.

He loves me...
And I... I ... love him too.

The ordeal... the challenge... is over.
But did I succeed? or fail?

Max and I need time to talk... to heal... to share something better.

First Ordeal: Dec. 28,xxx4

I woke... groggy... disoriented... awareness coming slowly. Where was I? The ground was hot... dry... face down on a chamber floor.... My armor was gone. My necklace and bracelets. My boots. Something familiar... nightmarish was about this place. Someone took a knife... I heard it come out of the sheath.

He cut my shirt from me! I was too disoriented to react. Then cut my skirt from me! And tore the rest of my underthings off! I tried to struggle, but the drug interfered with my coordiantion. Roughly and tightly he bound me wrists and ankles in a four-point restraint. The familiarity hit as the scent of kimogilas and Lok filled my nostrils. LOK. Oh gods. Tied down. Naked. My breath came short. I tried to reorient myself. This had to be a nightmare inderthe drug!!
Max was the only person in the room. And he... was... so... not like himself at all. It HAD to be a nightmare... not reality!!! The emmories of my recapture clawing their way back from the depths I had buried them in. NOOOOO!!!!!

I spiraled. Lost in the memory...

~~~
Maloraan nodded to the bounty hunters. Scar’let was grabbed roughly. They strapped her to a hide tanning frame Face down on the ground in a four-point restraint. Maloraan took a kimogila whip from one of the campers and layed into Scar’let a few stokes to keep her from focusing her willpower. He would see her broken this time, more so than when he dealt with her twin daughters. The whip stung and gouged her across her bare flesh as the camp men lined up to each have a turn. One by one, they thrust themselves into her till each sated his deprived sexual needs. If she struggled, the whip tore into her. If she cried out, the man on her stuck her, perhaps breaking something. It didn’t matter. After 20 men, she lost count… and the line of men was still long. Her blood flowed freely. She could no longer summon the will to struggle, nor cry. In her spirit she pleaded to the gods… and the day wore on to night. They left her strapped to the frame overnight, blood and semen streaking her broken body.
~~~

I spiraled.

MAX?! Why!!!??? I tried to forget the memories. But Max pushed them to the surface. Called them up. His words were their words! Harsh. Cruel. I was shaking... I could hardly breathe. He grabbed me by the hair roughly and called me an animal . *betrayal?* I couldn't breathe. My mind spun. Like a caged animal... an... animal.... He pressed ... his naked flesh against me. He just kept talking, calling up more and more memories. I was on the edge of panick the feral waiting for me to lose control. Yet another demon.... Was Aico right? *shock* Was he? Was Max... using me? I struggled for leverage to get a better breath... to scream out at him. He... shoved me hard to the ground... And... mounted me from behind... like an animal. like he the dominant and i... not, chained to the floor. I could feel him tense, hard, pressed against me. *panic* Then he would walk away... to the next room. Alone. I was alone with my panic. What was he going to do? I went hot and then broke into a cold sweat. He returned to torment me more. To mount me again. I was so frozen. My body, my mind, my spirit. How could he do this to me!?! I... I tried to reach along our bond... but... fear... his brutal touch... his body against mine, threatening to thrust himself into me... I dared not touch that bond! I dared not reach to this... not Max... not like this! I reached instead for another. Summoned the Feral and called to the Feral... called to Deomo. But... I ran into a wall! Tai'shan Force wall. I raged against it. NOOO!!!!!!! NO!!!! **my mind SCREAMED!!**

I recoiled. I pulled inward. I could not fight physically. I turned inward, shutting the world out. Shutting everything out and everyone. Watched with pleasure as our taishan bond frayed. Then I let the Feral do as it willed. What did it matter. *betrayed* I was cold... so cold. My focus narrowed. I wanted to die. *Tai'shan?* *betrayal* Memories, nightmares plagued my thoughts with the reality of the experience of now. Memories of Man after man thrusting thems in me.The smell and taste of blood. I could smell blood now. Everything norrowed till it went black. Gone. Lost. Swallowed by the darkness. I felt so... so... alone. *animal*

*trust*

HA! GRRrrrrrr!

Something snapped. Animal, eh?! Treat me like an animal, willyou? You want to see an amimal?! FINE! *snarl* Animal. I summoned it. I opened to it. I was... Feral. I gave myself to it... its strength, my strength. I fought. I fough with all my strength against my bonds. I writhed and twisted. Trying to free my hands. Twisted till my writsts bled, making the ropes about them slipper with my blood. But they were still too tight and I could not get free. I raged! He mounted me again, and pushed the limits of that rage. I fought to kick him off. I wanted Maxell dead. I wanted to kill him myself... for what he was doing to me. Why doesn't he just get it over with? Why doesn't he just thrust himself into me!? He comes to the edge of doing so. hen walks away for me to rage some more! GET IT OVER WITH!!! *GROWL* Blood... Mine... His. I could smell it. I wanted to rend maxell with every fiber of my being. I prepared to roll ball of burning fire along that fraying bond we shared. I opened up to that bond and prepared to unleash a projection of the emotions, feelings, sensation, memories... everything I knew... at him along that bond.

*trust... ta'shan please...*

He looked into the eyes of a wild animal intent on killing him.

*trust... ta'shan please... come back... feel this bond... please.... I still love you... no harm has come to you... my love... please... realize the truth... come back... please...*

A single tear fell from maxell's cheek to hit my shoulder as his pleading words reached desperately almg that bond... and shocked me. His pain, his love, his anguish... I felt it right through my feral rage. I... felt it... and it tore my heart apart with the feeling of such loss. His fear that I will be lost to the Feral forever... that he has lost his tai'shan... It was then I realized... I summoned the feral on my own... and I could send it away of my free will. It was ... part of me. And right now... I didn't need it. I realized I was NOT actually back in that time of my recapture on Lok. I realized that Maxell was NOT really torturing me. Any harm I incurred I did to myself. I... remembered... Then I knew why he did not thrust himself into me as I expected he shoudl have. This was my ordeal... not cruelty. And I realized that every time he left the room, he was out to be sick... to wipe the blood flowing from his nose at the psyonic exertion, to vomit with the revultion of hwat he did to drive me to the feral.

AICO KNEW NOTHING! He knew nothing of maxell's love for me.

*trust*

*love*

*tai'shan*

In that tear full of anguish, I felt Maxell's need... Need. He actually needed me. Despite the fact that I seemed to have turned his life upside down, The feral gives me strength and courage when all esle fails. But it is part of me... and My Will can control it. It cannot and must not control my actions. I... could have ... hurt... or even killed Max. I can call up the feral... but like the pains of my past... I must also let it go. It is part of me, like my feelings, my experiences, my body... the tai'shan bonds...

*acceptance*

And with that came a great relief. Part of me... not demons trying to possessme... thus in accord with my will. And as for the horrors that I have endured in my life...

I am NOT an animal.

I endured them... I lived... I lived thriugh these horrors...

*calm..........serenity*

I will one day be able to help others do the same.

Strength of Spirit!

*TRUST*

Maxell had to step from the room again. In my calm, I heard him vomiting. It pained me. If I were truly lost... he would be obliged to end my life. When he returned he held a pistol in his hand. I froze. Did he not see the difference? Did he not feel that I quelled the feral? MAX! *NOOOOoooooooo!!* I closed my eyes. So be it. *acceptance* I had wanted to kill him... and if I was free... would have. If I die here now... so be it. Let the peace of that death bring us all peace.

He aimed. He fired four shots.

Liminality: The First Ordeal Begins

My first ordeal was to be the Emotional/Spiritual Challenge. It is the one to be given by the initiate's most trusted. And the hope that those that are feral do not succumb and be lost forever. If that happens... to me... Maxell will be obliged... to kill me. I hope he does. I would not want to live out my life like that. I hope more... that I am not lost.

Maxell took me onto his ship and then caught me off guard by suddenly injecting me with a drug to knock me out. His last words were *trust... never forget that I love you*.

Isolation: Spending Time with Myself (Dec. 28,xxx4)

I sat in the Blue Meditation Room. Pulled my datapad out... and just started spilling my thoughts.

Mom... how I rarely saw her. Dad's warm loving protective arms around me humming... chasing away the nightmares that always came at night.

Studying with the wise teachers and Jedi on the ship. I then remembered some of the techniques they taught me to control my "gifts". What are my gifts? Visions. I can see things, often in dreams or nightmares, sometimes when I walk into a room or touch an object. I hear the whispers of ghosts. Sometimes I get bombarded by the thoughts and feelings of other or throw my own feelings out of anger at another. And then there are the techniques. Why could I not remember them awhile ago when I experienced the ghosts at the POI's, early when I met Brem. That is when my walls began faultering again. I grew comfortable first with Bordesc, then with Brem and the walls began to come down... and then I could not remember how to bring them back up! I thought I was going to go mad! Now... NOW... I rememebr the techniques... and damn... they are not difficult... I should have remembered them. But it was so long ago.

Techniques for control:

1. Breathe (tarraing anail)
2. Remember (cuimhnigh)
3. Connect (ceangail)
4. Accept (glacadh)
5. Let Go and Let it flow (scaoil le is lig si sruthaigh)
6. Be one with it and control will come (Bhi aon in si is bheith tar)

I feel foolish. So very very foolish. These are used to help you control the Force... and I should have remembered them. I will not forget them again.

I remembered the monestary and how I was named Firecat out of fun. The feral in me would fly at will and send me running through the woods as a teen ro hunt with the wild gurrcats. Then trying to teach me to meditate with some success and failure. *smile* The feral was always rising in waves... but was never so strong as now. Maybe because I was just a teen, just experiencing puberty. I managed to learn to meditate. But it was difficult. And when i was captured for slavery, the feral turned me wild for a time till it was exhausted and the fact of my situation crushed that strength. Then i had twin daughters... And found the strength again... for them. Their death killed me in a way. I wrapped myself in such walls... I was cold as stone, afraid to get close to anyone. Just in case they were like my Master, or incase they too were taken from me like my daughters were.

My daughters...
Love...
Blimey... steady a friend... I wanted so to get closer to him, but was so afraid to. Now we are so distant, I even wonder about our friendship.
Bordesc... we were friends... I never wanted to be more with him... but the perceptions that I did ruined our friendship. *pained... feeling of loss and sadness*
Brem... a friendship with no bonds or expectations... we can be close or not and will always ne dear friends... I feel so safe with him... so unafraid.
Maxell... my tai'shan... my feelings for him are so jumbled. The intensity sometimes... often... too much for me. And I can think how I have ruined his life... Yet he loves me. His patience and his love... but the intensity... the bond stirs so strongly sometimes.
Deomo...wild, feral... we too share a bond... but not as strong as with maxell. I feel I can act of my own free will around him called... but not "driven". He was my enemy till I saw the man hidden behind his walls. A gentle, honourable man... proud...

The feral... in me...
This is why I do this...
These rites...
To get control of this...
before I do something like... forget who stands before me and kill them ... like someone I care about... like Brem... or Maxell... I was a breath away from that the other day on Dathomir with Maxell. That scared me. I... can't trust myself... This is why I am afraid of these rites.... What if I lose it here, and fail to regain control? WHat if the feral takes over and I kill? What if...
*weeps for a few minutes on the carpet*

If I am to be the priestess I started training for so very very long ago, I must be able to handle what comes at me... and not lose myself.

My first VOWS:

Be true to my word

Be true to my path

Be true to myself

My second VOWS:

Honour is the Law

Love is the Bond

I MUST come to terms with myself... must find:
peace, knowledge, serenity, The Force, Unity...

Control

When I was a child. my father wrapped me in his Force shields and induce control for me. When I was a teen, I just let it flow, and explored it with curiosity... it didn't control me... it was... in harmony with me. And my teachers taught me to work with it, techniques of control and focus... first fromn the Jedi... then from the monks (were they jedi? no... they couldn't have been... or they would not have perished at the hands of the trandoshan). In slavery, I buried myself so deep I felt almost nothing.more so after my daughters' death. Now I am relearning to connect with the world. I am losing that barely attained control. And discovering that it is more difficult to attain... so easy to get lost... the feral is like a demon that possesses me... with such strength. I cannot seem to fight it, hard as I try. My gifts are also stronger... and I do not know how to use them... they overwhelm me sometimes.

*Acceptance* *glacadh*

*Trust.... muinin*

These are my most difficult lessons for these trials to come.

---

Kimbrya came to let me know I should wait for Maxell in the ritual room. Brem and Deomo are already off to do their first trials : physical/mental challenges. Deomo passes me and touched my shoulder, lendding me some strength, wishing me well on what is before me, smiling and saying that he has confidence in me. I am left alone... so very alone in the Temple. Not even the ghosts are whispering. It is so ... quiet. Just me and my thoughts.

I am not really afraid... but am terribly uncertain. I know that I must do this. For myself. For those around me that I care about.

I feel so cut off. Brem is focused. Deomo too. Max is ... almost blocking me. I feel like I have gone deaf and blind. *a moment of panick as a vague dejavu sensation creeps in... then fades*

Max is here...
I do not know why I am trembling so much...

Let the Rites Begin (Dec. 28, xxx4)

I seem to do this alot lately. Usually I would just go out and "gurr" it alone in some woods of some planet. Today I embark on a journey of self discovery... one that actually I have been quite afraid of. Kimbrya, Brem, Deomo and I met in the Temple. Maxell had to leave and make arrangements. he and Kimbrya were to begin leading us through the Zabrak Rites of passage, something all three of us should ahve attempted as children. Now they were to be more difficult, more challanging, and more... dangerous for up with the Feral demon within us.

Kimbrya taught us about what rites of passage were and explained the general events about these specific rites. Isolation, Ordeals, Reintegration. Ordeals: physical/mental and emotional/spiritual. We were to isolate ourselves first then we'll be taken through the first set of ordeals. Brem and Deomo will do the physical/mental and I will do the emotional/spiritual. I wish I were doing that one later. I had a terrible bad feeling about it. But Kimbrya insisted as I would be necessary to help the others go through the emotional/spiritual... should i survive mine. They both trust me. And so I am needed to challenge that trust.

Kimbrya told us to choose a place to isolate ourselves within the temple. I headed to the Blue Meditation Room. Praying for the peacefulness that the hues in that room offer. We were to be given 30 minutes. We were to think about ourselves and why we were doing these rites.

Dream Snippits

On the dark forested hills of Naboo stands the watchful Gurrcat, tall proud, protective over his mate who lies with her cubs in a nearby den. The Shadows shroud him in mystery; warn others that he can be dangerous, but yet... soften the edges of an otherwise foreboding posture. He growls... but he can also purr....If he were to be human... he would stand tall and broad-shouldered with a weapon in hand, just in the shadow of a dark tree. But when the danger was passed he would return to embrace his mate with warmth, love and comfort.

----------

Out of the Shadows he stepped, padding softly across the night enshrouded grass, silent and deadly toward his goal. He paused to lie among the blades and watch... just watch with his deep blue eyes as she gracefully looked up into the starry sky and the full moonlight bathed she soft rusty fur with silvery highlights. His heart nearly stopped at the beauty before him. She heard it. Her light blue eyes met his.

----------

I beleive I was dreaming of Maxell.

Ought to throw myself to a Sarlaac

Yup, that is how I feel.

I was meditating. Well chewing on the words of Aico, uncertain waht it all meant. Max? Abusing our bond? No way!!! Deomo... me having a bond with Deomo more than just the Feral... hard to believe... tai'shan is with only one. Right? Doubts. Trust?!? I am so confused and frustrated. So much for meditating! DAMN... Aico pissed me off. GRRRRrrrr.

And then the feral called me to Dathomir... Maxell... I met up with him. He has such control over the feral within him... I wish I had that control. Maybe one day. I seem to always be struggling with it.

Then the feral called again! To Dantooine. To Deomo. I was pulled again... but differently. Deomo was hurt. Maxell and I traveled out to meet him and Maxell healed him while I battled the beasts attacking him. He was upset and felt betrayed. I was confused! Maxell and he had been spatting earlier about rites of passage. Now this. Now I am lost. What the Kark is going on?

Then Max gave us some space so Deomo and I could talk. Get things sorted out a bit. Did I? I don't know. I was diseased and barely remember what we spoke about. When the conversation got uncomfortable, I changed the subject and asked him about his pendant. I remembered how Blimey had always worn his because it was his mother's. I wear the one Max gave me. When I touched Deomo's pendant... FLASH! I was hit with a series of images and sounds...

~~~
FLASH! A small home, simply furnished. A dark Zabrak man placing the pendant on a boys neck, concern in the man's eyes.
FLASH! "Never take this off. Remember. Trust."
FLASH! The a tall cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows.
FLASH! Silver blades and blue electricity flashed.
FLASH! Mixed with the sights and sounds of blood, flesh and bone.
FLASH! The boy stood in shock. The scene a horror before his eyes.
FLASH! The stranger stepped toward the boy.
*A whisper from deep within me said Shadow Ancestor.*
~~~

It was horrible. It was like one of my childhood nightmare! I was so plagued by them when i was little till I learned to centre and ground myself... and shield my abilities. My father used to hum softly to me to chase them away. The nightmares returned when i started hearin gthe whispers again a few months ago. And Brem had made a bantha nightmare ward for me. *smile* They eased after I managed a sense of calm. And recently they started returning, but I cannot remember them. This scene I remember seeing when I was small. A series of images. I am not even sure if they string together chronologically. They wiped me out. Blasted away my shields and my strength. The desease I caught from the beasts attacking Deomo hit hard and I dropped to the floor. Max rushed in shortly after and began healing me.

We spoke a little about the rites as they may help Deomo find the truth of his past and this pendent. Then Max spoke of other truths to find out through the rites. Deomo spoke of risks. But no one was telling me what these rite are exactly. I deserved to know! I was to go through it! Max just asked me to trust him. Deomo insisted Max explain the risks. That is when I found out that Kimbrya had tested Deomo's blood to find he has a near bio-chem match for tai'shan with me. WHAT?!? My head spun. I tried to show strength and that it could be ok to have two tai'shan... not that I really understood. My mother was polyamorous with a tai'sham and several lovers. So why not two tai'shan? But it didn't make sense. And then Aico's words came to mind again. And I could sense that Aico had laid similar doubts in Max's mind and Deomo's. And that this small fact only fed those doubts.

Maxell was exhausted and went downstairs to sleep. I wanted so badly to curl up with him. To cry for the torment I am sure he must feel. To cry for the torment I seem to be constantly thrown into. I spoke with Deomo a bit more then he went to the roof, for some air. I felt I needed air too. But I gave him his distance. He ... had alot on his mind. I just stood on the other side of the roof looking over the hills and water, mulling over all that has gone on in my head.

Why me?!
Why can't i just be normal!?
No gifts.
No feral.
No callings.
No nightmares.
No ... no....
Just ... NORMAL!

I struggled hard not to cry. I was Zabrak and this was weakness! Deomo came over to me and said that I don't have to be strong all the time. He took my hand and put his other on my shoulder. His gentle touch made the battle against my tears impossible. The streaked down my cheeks. He pulled me close and I wept. I wept till it rained on us. He reassured me I will be fine in the rites, and that I needed them. Part of me so wanted to stay in his embrace. Part of me wanted to climb under the covers and hid in Max's sleeping embrace. Part of me just wanted to run away... afraid of the closeness. Max, when he touches me, senses deep into my soul past all my barriers. It was... nice ... in Deomo's arms... not having my soul known. Is that why my mother had lovers? I curled up on the blue carpet of the blue meditation room. Deomo sat with me, as Brem used to, just watching over me.

*feral snarl* Aico

I have been getting strange dark sinister poetic comm messages and emails from someone names Aico. He is creeping me out! Wondering how long it takes blood to turn from red to black... I called in Maxell on it. He was also tagged by Aico. Max told me that Deomo was too... What is going on?

He tagged my comm while I was at the Temple with Kayon yesterday. Demanding I choose who dies. Why!?! What did we do?!? WHO IS THIS GUY!!!??? I raged in my temple. Kayon summoned the Force and induced calm in me... but it will rise again when he leaves.

I will hunt this guy if he harms anyone I care for.

He than challanged my Tai'shan bond!! Saying that max took advantage of me in a "weak' moment. That I should have been tai'shan to Deomo. That it should be between true Zabrak. That Max could never truly understand the Zabrak nature and nver really harness the feral in me. But Tai'shan... the bond can only be with one and that bond is unique. It could not have been with any other. Could it? What about the strange feelings I do get arounf Deomo? But... I know Max did not take advantage of me. He was as badly caught off guard as I was. Could there be two? What is .... I am so confused! Why are there no bloddy elders to communicate with!!! and I am too karking riled up to sit and meditate quietly to listen to the whispers in the Temple.

DAMN HIM!!! DAMN AICO!!!!

Grinding Sword Skills

I decided to hunt again on Yavin 4 for some sword experience. I have gotten badly out of practice the past little while. Karking Rain. Had to fight kliknik in a bloody storm. Grrr... I... do... NOT... like... being... wet.

Kim is in a stasis state, stable for now. Brem. I can feel his worry and concern. I can also feel his relief. We all almost lost her. I pray that she pulls through. I asked Brem to come hunting with me... to help distract him from his worry.

Some stranger tagged my comm earlier today. Aico was his name. Said he was "coming for me." *Groan* Now who? Now what? Why for? What did I do THIS time!? *snarl* this is fast souring my mood.

Back to hunting. The comfortable feeling and familiarity of the dance of blades. Brem joined up with me for a couple hours. We hunted till I was able to train in 2 sword skills and one Ranger skill. Back to Dantooine. I had paid the mayor of Wanders End to retain a Sword trainer for me for a few months. So I trained there and hunted some more with Brem. The Maxell came by and i went to hunt a bit with him. I was still very annoyed with this Aico guy. So i focused on the hunt. Drove my thoughts of him from my mind as I slew the critters, Mokks and other hostiles around the Temple.

It was an awesome feeling to hunt along side Brem. I missed that. We are a decent team. And watching him with the Polearms... like Bordesc. It is a great sight to see. I love that sound too... Tang... tang tang... tang... tang tang tang tang....

It was likewise awesome hunting with Maxell. We flowed and danced around each other. We always knew where the other was and when and where to be for what moves, be it blade strikes, laser shots, or heals. He had a gurrcat with me... we were like two gurrcats... grace and death. With the strength and support Maxell provided.

I then relaxed in the Temple. And maxell went out to finish a hunting order he had taken up.

Yule Vigil

I sit in the Temple today for Yule. I am meditating in the shrine with the Life Day Orb and a candle. I light this candle for Kimbrya hoping she pulls through. And for Brem that he has the strength to endure this difficult period.

KinTin with Maxell

I arrived for the KinTin event and poked into the crowded cantina... nervous. Max greeted me. But then I remembered i wanted to do something in Theed. Blessedly escaped the crowd and bolted for the openness of Theed again. I took some time to calm down then went only my mobile home (sorosuub ship) and retrieved... something I have been saving... for a special occasion and... felt this might be a good time. I hauled out a blue dress I inherited from Fyrshka. But I only had my composite armor boots. So I dashed over to the bazaar to see if there were any shoes. I felt so nervous. I found blue slippers. They were a slightly brighter shade than the dress... but I figured they will have to do. I dashed into a private corner and changed quickly before boarding the shuttle back to Kintin.

I froze at the entrance. I was greeted and given eggnog and a painting as a welcoming gift. Then Brem met me outside. He was there with Kimbrya. My heart pounded. I could feel the press of people within. Brem commented on how I looked. I suddenly felt so very shy and timid. I was afraid to be seen... especially by Maxell. I grew so nervous. I felt naked without my hunting clothes and sword. And then... all of a sudden there was Max... just watching me. He watches me lots... looked at me... looking through me.... He smiled and I felt at the same time shy and bold.

He took my hand and led me inside the cantina. There were twice as many people as before. But somehow Max's energy was around me. I did not feel the press so badly. He offered me a seat but i sat on the floor at his knee. His arm over my shoulder. It felt so... right. So... blissful. brem is right. I... like this feeling. The feeling of being near Max. Of his hand on my shoulder. Of his energy wrapped protectively around me. Of this... tai'shan bond.... Things started to feel like they were all clicking into place in their right order.

We watched COE perform on the stage of the Cantina. They were impressive. Then we all went outside to watch as Max hosted a rancor fight with one of his pet rancors. I stood with Kimbrya and talked softly with her of news and situations while the crowd gathered and the challengers attempted to take down Max's Rancor. Kimbrya said she wanted to get a blood sample from Deomo to compare to my own. When he came up against the rancor, I worried a moment that Maxell would let his rancor kill him. But her didn't. Kimbrya dashed forward to take a quick bloodsample when Deomo was down. Deomo is so different when he is actually relaxed with his guildmembers. It was ... good to see him smile. There may be hope for him. I was so proud of Maxell. He just glowed while he handled the rancor. I could not help but smile to myself.

Later I meditated a bit with the events wore on and then wore down. Then snuck into a corner and quickly changed. As I turned around... there was Max! He spooked me. Then soothed me and took my hands. "I have a gift for you." He gave me a gurrcat! She is beautiful!!! Her name is Koownye. I think he meant Cuimhnigh... humans can't always pronounce the Old Zabrak dialectuals. It means REMEMBER. I was so happy I bounced! I couldn't even reing my self in!!! That was embarrassing.... *grin* And by the way... smiles are truly contageous.

Freindship

I was not sure how the evening would transpire. I walked int meet Deomo. The sense of the Sith dark and forboding around him as his eyes glowed red at me. His words harsh and challenging at first. But he never struck me down.

Sometimes we bandied the worded back and forth. Somethings we just sat in quiet.

We talked much.

He is alot like Brem. Engulfed now by the teachings and power of the Sith and their training. But... there is a man there. Sometimes he has difficulty surfacing, but he is there. And he, like anyone, needs the contact of others that care.

Deomo was gentle with me. And I ... offered my trust. I challenged myself to reach out to him... and touch... without the spur and courage of the Feral or the Otherness. Sometime we came so very close it was hard to face the feelings that rose in me, the memories.

I would then try to think of the times I sat with Brem on the carpets of the Meditation rooms, as we touched hands or cuddled. I tried to remember the comforting embrace, the trust and love he emiates while we sat with a backdrop of stars on my ship. I tried to remember The tenterness and protection of Deomo holding me as I curled in his lap like a weak kitten in the Library of Theed. Life Day has really effected me.

We, Deomo and I have become friends. We have talked on many things that are difficult to share... friendship, love, comfort, fears, hopes, dreams... Deomo looks back at me with now green eyes, a soft light green, the green of new leaves in a young Nabooian forest.

One step at a time. One small step at a time.

I will go see Kimbrya now. I had a nightmare a few days ago that I did not share with anyone. I need to speak with her. Then I must find Brem. I ... miss him. I wonder how he is. I can just barely sense him. The Darkness surrounds him. But I can still feel the brightness of his bond to Kimbrya.

There are many things changing in this world. Deomo may never be a truly peaceful man. And he has yet to face for himself the horrors he commited under the influance of the Feral and directives from the Imperials. Kimbrya is a living victem of this. I hope... I hope he goes to face her. Her and Brem.

Brem was once under another influance and the directives of the Imperials... with an implant. He of all people will hopefully understand Deomo's actions. I am sure I have reached Deomo. I hope I have made a difference in his life. I hope to keep a new friendship. But the changes I sense coming in the future will put strain on all my friendship I fear.

No this... for all you out there. My friends are dear to me. If I have rpomised you my friendship and love, know that it will always be there. No matter what the future brings. Peace folks. Hanve peace in your hearts.

And Deomo... Life Day.
Go to it or I will drag you to one when I see you next.

Deomo and I parted ways. He... kissed my cheek. *smile* I gave him a hug. This was not goodbye... but ... till we meet again.

Tragedy & Hope

Cauil came to the Temple. He was concerned at first about disturbing me and Max. But I assured him that Max was safely asleep in the room below now. We talked a bit. I thanked him for his help with moving things around the temple. He is... changed. his fine dark hair all grey... aged by a tragedy I can feel. And on the brink of another.

Then Deomo yelled outside the temple. Challenged Cauil and they fought. Best friends. They fought. Deomo. But he thankfully didn't kill him. I believe he could not bring himself at that moment to do so. I could feel this battle within him. It tormented me. He wanted me to hate him. He swore he would kill Maxell and Cauil when next they crossed paths. In my haste and concern, I shot off a quick email to Maxell. But something... something teased the edge of my senses. The whispering in the temple grew louder. As I healed Cauil and we went inside the temple to talk... the Other came again... but to only open the way for me to hear... to losten. Deomo and I argued over the comm. His voice shaking occassionally. And with every unsteady sound he made there was this underlying resonance of pleading.

He wanted to love me as Maxell does.

He couldn't understand why I cared. Why I still wanted to help.

I made him a promise.

Be true to yur word,
Be true to your path,
Be true to yourself.

This was my religious vow. And of course:

Honour is the Law, Love is the Bond.

Remembering this... I knew what I had to do. I asked him if he would let me come to him. He struggled to say no... but couldn't. I sought what help I could with the Force. All my tracking skills and the call of Need that tugged at my heart in a way I could not refuse. I sought Deomo out where he hid. I hoped the Other or the Feral could lend me strength. But I was overspent. I could not call them. And they knew I could not handle it again today. So, I removed my armor and packed my sword as I remembered my mother's words. I have traveled far to help those in need. Need has called me more strongly. My beloved Tai'shan, your father, understands. And he is safe as are you. When the time come, Kitten, you will walk my path and record the lives of others. You too will reach out in your own special way when your path is revealed to you. And when it is... remember this. To be trusted, you must first trust. Offer what you expect in return.

Trust and you will be trusted.

I removed my armor. I pack my blade. i took a second ot three to relisten to those words I had forgotted. Then. I took a chance. A chance with more than just my life... but for more lives than just me and my tai'shan. I had to reach Deomo. I needed to because he needed me to. I took a chance. I walked into the building with nothing...

Nothing but myself.

Naked of the feral. Naked of the Other. Naked of the Force.

Just... me.

I took a chance... and proffered my trust....

Impact of Life Day

I am glad Kimbrya archived what the Wookies said for Life Day. They really shook my views. Made me think. I need time to digest all this. I told Maxell I needed a Wookie Life Day Orb to remember the event and honour this ritual in the Temple. Then when I went to thank the Wookie Elder for allowing me to participate, he gave me a gift.

He GAVE me a Wookie Life Day Orb.
I was... shocked! I was honoured.
I will place this in the Temple and teach about the Wookie Life Day as I vowed to them.

Life.
All life is important.
In every dark shadow is a spark of light.
Renewal.
Remembrance.
Lessons learned.
Remembrance....

Then I was hit with Deomo and the power of the Sith. I tried to reach him throught he Force. It rocked me. I was unprepared for the influx of the Otherness that reached through me and left me just as suddenly. Maxell carried me all the way to the Temple where the peace and balance of the space helped me cope with the power of the Other as it channeled through me again. Oh Max... I have no idea how he fared with this. I was so consumed by this Other as it battled with the dark for Deomo. The Dark won this round... but not the whole battle.

I could still sense Deomo struggling. Max balanced me... through our bond. But he was unconscious when I was released by the Other. I sat with him till I knew he rested easily. The spirits of the Temple, the Force here enveloped him in a protective embrace and seemed to heal him. I was exhausted, drained from the experience. But this time... not in shock. I was still able to function normally, if a bit weak.

Remembrance.... Deomo must remeber.
I promised him I would not give up on him.

Excitement! Thrill of the Fight!

This happened before going to Life Day.

I got this call from a man named LeVar who said... Dark Jedi outside Dantooine's Mining Outpost. They are invading!! Come help!! So I grabbed Maxell and he headed out.

Thrilling! Dark Jedi and Dark Force trainees! I got to hunt! I should have beffed first though. In I charged unbuffed and unarmored, swinging my power hammer. Feral giving me energy, the Force granting me focus. It was exciting!! Rebels and Imperials and Neutral... everyone was out to block the invasion. Enemies stood side by side supporting each other against a commong foe. It was amazing... Exhilerating!!!! Even though I was wounded and ill from my first spice experiance... it was thrilling.

Rhaaa!!!
=]

Deomo in the Library - 2

He challeneged me and my reasons for helping him.

I challeneged him and his reasons for wanting help.

When it came down to it. That "Otherness" began to rise in me strengthened by the Feral. Yet... I was so calm. I watched from the recesses of my mind, knowing I was no longer in control and wondering how long I could hold out in my weakened state... if this time I would be consumed and die. He offered for me to to connect with him as I had with Kimbrya to draw on his power. But it doesn't work that way. He looked into my eyes... and dropped to his knees before me.... recognizing the Other.

I dared him then to walk away. If he was so frustrated and so wanted to give up... to just walk away. I asked him if I should give up on him and if I should walk away. Need called so strongly his pleading words were not necessary. He was so alone... so lost... I could not help but reach out and cup his face in my hands. The scent of him filled my nostrils. Need. He so needed to know what a gentle caress was. He so needed to know what care and affection were. I soothed him with my touches. He slowly stood, need stirring in him ith the Feral. He... wanted me. He wanted to know me. The Feral in me responded. I could hear our heartbeats quicken. I could smell his musky scent. But Need, kept him in check. He needed more to know who and what he was. Who and what I was. If he was forever lost and alone. I took his hand and assured him he was niether lost, nor alone and never would be. We were so close. I asked him what he wanted. His thoughts were known to me. He wanted to be a part of me. He wanted to know the peace I could offer, the serenity he could see in my eyes. The intimacy of our closeness was almost too much for him, but he met the challenge, and never crossed the line. I explained to him about the bonds of love and Tai'shan. That he will never have that with me. But that I could care as I do for Brem. Maybe even love. I could feel he was pained by this. He wanted... wanted I think what Maxell has. Union with another and the knowledge that you cannot be alone. But Deomo and I are in a way bound... by the Feral and the Force. Perhaps one day, I will show him such mysteries. But neither I nor he are ready for them now. Especially with my bonds with Maxell so uncertain.

Exhaustion was becoming overwhelming now that not even the Otherness in me could hold on. I began to shake, gasping for breath as the balcony spun. Deomo caught hold of me, and held me close to his chest. I could feel his heart skipping beats with fear that I might die there. It frightened me to know he was frightened. He slowly knelt and then sat still holding me close. He begged me to draw power from him. Pleaded in such a soft and quiet voice. I could barely hear him. Blackness washed over me repeatedly. I could not have drawn from him even if I knew how. There was just nothing left of me to do so with. I sat there in his arms, strong, gentle.... He softly touched my cheek with one hand. I think he prayed for my health. I closed my eyes. I prayed too. I wimpered for Max. He held me so tenderly. I could do nothing but sit there with my head on his shoulder so very conscious not who arms engulfed me. But they profferd no offences. Relief merely eminating from him. I drew my legs in to curl in his embrace as I had in Brem so long ago. He... Deomo... smiled and then chucked and asked if I was confortable. i could not help but to smile back, weakly. He said my smile was warm. I... felt self-conscious and hid it from him. He stroked my hair and lightly leaned his cheek again my head. He whispered for me to rest. I was too tired to do otherwise.

Deomo in the Library - 1

I stirred in the bed. Kimbrya looked over at me and smiled. She is terribly cute. Reminds me of my daughters. Freckled and full of wonder. Her green eyes bright and overly wise. She brought my comm and datapad saying that I had messages. I felt weak not... I obviously did not die.

I nibbled at the food on a tray by my bed as I looked over my messages and emails. I have meiised some things. Maxell had sent me a letter to not believe things that might stir me to mistrust him. To think on our bond and feel the truth. I got a hint of what he does as work. I have neglected my Rebel commands. I don't even remember what my rank is anymore. And he... in an imperial Officer of high rank unter the Inquisitor. What does this mean for us? He is so like a stranger.

Another email from him mentioned he met with Deomo. Deomo? Why? He said they spoke at length. And if I could please try to reach Cauil for them and get Cauil to communicate with Deomo. That Deomo... feel lost... abandoned... alone. Oh how I know those feelings. I did my best to reach Cauil. The static was terrible sometimes. I almost thought he was on Lok, except for the rains. He must be on Dathomir. I am unsure still why I am compelled to help Deomo. Maybe... maybe if he can be helped, then so can I? Hope. I have a small amount of hope.

But Kimbrya... and Brem. The things he did to her. I frown as I remember Brem carrying her broken and bleeding body into the temple. She clung to him for life. The tears streaked his face. I cannot forgive Deomo. Nor can I forget this. But... I also have to remember Brem... how Brem was with the implant. Maybe. Maybe?

As I thought about Deomo, so came sensations of him. Our thought battered each other with challanges. He wanted ... help... but was ready to throw it away to the Sith if I could not help him. I was confused. I slipped out of the private clinic. Maxell and Brem will kill me for this I am sure. I hate the confinement. I made my way into the city. The press of thoughts and emotions from the people nearly knocked me down. I fought for control... for focus. I made my way passed the crowds at the startport, passed the med centre and the cantina. There I stopped and leaned against a wall, trying hard not to show my exhaustion, watching Deomo as he stood in the cantina doorway, tall and proud, with a small perplexed frown distorting his tattoos.

He looked up at me. He could sense me near. I could feel his presense in the Force as he could feel mine. he caught my scent in the air and approached me. Then stopped. Stopped about 8 ffet from me and... knelt. He said... that I felt this would make me feel more comfortable, less... threatened. It did. Then he said that max told him I could help him.

Max?

*I could slap Max! How the hell can I help Deomo? How would he know?! I don't even know!!!*

Deomo sensed my frustration and aimed to leave. I asked him to stay. He did. I ask him if he would come to a quieter place. He looked at me... with concern. He noticed my lack of strength. I really should have stayed longer in the private clinic. I took a chance and asked him to follow me to the Library. Would he trust me? Would I trust him? After a long pause, he agreed. We walked to the Library and I brought him out on the balcony. It was a beautiful night. The sky deep shades of blue and indigo with scattered stars, and a light dusting of cloud. The falls were clear and rushed white over the the cliff to froth on the rocks. I haven't been here is no long. I must bring Maxell here.

Deomo and I exchanged words. Testing each other. Pushing on each others boundaries. Challengeing each other. Why were we here?

Two Men

There they stood. I between them. It was so wierd. So strange.

Brem.
The man I love, care for. Trust. The one whose arms have been around me. The one on whose shoulder I can lay my head. The one I can go to when the whole world crashes down. The one who knows my dreams and goals, as well as my fears. The one who sat at length with me in camps in the desert or the lakes of Corellia. The one who has shared stories of our lives together. he is now Tai'shan with Kimbrya. But loves me still.

Maxell.
The man who has interrogated me in my own temple. The one who sheltered me when deth nearly caught me in Theed. The one who in that moment of crisis connected so suddenly with me, saw through all my barriers, touched me to the core. Without really knowing me, he knows my dreams and me deepest fears, has seen my strengths... and my fragility. We are inexplicably bound by Tai'shan yet hardly know each other. I fear this. I want this. It is dizzying.

I asked Brem through the Force what Tai'shan was like for him and Kim. He said it was a knowing, a trusting, intoxicating and sweet, bliss and ecstasy, love... stronger that the strongest Muon. He could not want for more. She satisfies his every need. Nothing could take her place. They have spent time together... I wanted this with Max. But ... his essense of spirit in me was ... is ... such a surprise, unbidden and yes, intoxicating, full of the hints of Feral desire. I fear it. I want it.

Then a darkness crept over me.... Deomo... Sith.... He fears whatever i had done to him so badly he wished to throw himself to the Sith to rid himself of the internal conflict. I reeled! I screamed! I ran! Bit there was no where to run to. I was consumed by this feral need, to run to stop him. I could feel Max there. His wavering strength. I couldn't even reach for it.

Then I stood. Sensing the Darkness nearer... Brem. NO! No....

I was lost in a maelstorm as something came over me... as it had on Endor. I approached Brem. Holding his warm crystal, the one he gave me. I gave it to him and gently touched his cheek with my hand. I bid him to always remember. At the same time, my spirit was stretching across the stars bidding Deomo to also remember... remember a gentle touch in the lush green woods of Endor.

The strain. It was so sudden I had no time to react to Max trying to lend me energy. Nor to Brem trying to lend me energy. I swayed, chilled, suffocated... I collapsed. As one, they kneeled before me. Their concern equal. I think they recognized that. That they are equal. That they both love me. I thought I was going to die at that moment. Endor was not so much strain as this. Why must the Other do this to me!?! Why now!?! I was a child last it did this so strongly....

Brem carried me to a bed while Max raced through the stars to Coronet. They took me to the med centre. There, Kimbrya's doctor met me and took me to Theed. To his private labs. I was so sure I was going to die. I didn't want to though. I wanted to ... to... Max.... I wanted to be with Max.

~~ * SNAP * ~~

I stood on the main social deck. Between Brem and Maxell.....
Pulled so hard by the bonds. My love anf Force bond with Brem. My Tai'shan bond (that I do not really understand) with Maxell. They had an uneasy jealous of each other truce. I was pulled to one and then the other. Pulled. Stretched taught. And then there are these other callings... to Kimbrya... and to Deomo... and to the Temple...

I am pulled in so many directions.

I fear I will one day just snap. And there will be nothing left of me.

Mom? Dad? ~~~

I woke to a cool touch. Soothed. Everything was a blur. But I felt... safe. Strong arms wrapped around me. I was sure it was my Dad's as my mother treated my woulds and hummed something in Zabrak.

When I woke fully, my wounds were healed and I was drifting in my ship in space. My comm was ringing. Max needed to speak with me. So I landed in Coronet.

Met up with him... and Brem. I stood stunned a moment as they just dragged me onto Max's ship. What the hell?

Need Called... I Answered...

Who were these people! Why were they touching me!
~~SNARL~~
The Feral gave me strength. I needed out... NO ONE TOUCHES ME!!! NO ONE!!! I needed... Need called... I needed to go... answer the call...

I made it to my ship. Deomo.... He called. *shiver* But... he was... strange, struggling... like me many days ago. Yes. That was the call of Need. He said he had something ne HAD to tell me. I flew to Endor. I never thought to buff, or dawn my armor. I followed the call through the Force, through... the resonance within me. Feral... hunting him... for a change. Hmm...

I found him lying on the ground struggling against the feral withing him. it stirred the feral in me. I almost thought to slay him there. Especially after he said that Maxell was planning on killing Brem. Slay him... then Maxell... *shakes head* No! Maxell promised. I know Maxell spoke true. Deomo does not know what Maxell and I spoke of yesterday. His news is OLD.

The feral rose, he could no longer hold it at bay and he slew the beasts in the area. The feral called me and I too hunted. But I was too tired. He fought every one that came near me. He stood so close. How close is too close? *panic* I bolted.

Bolted into deadly forest spiders and was poisoned. He was at my heels, battling everything that dared to touch me. Healing me as he could whenever I got knocked flat. He... touched me. The feral stirred. I... wanted? him? No. Fear drove me to run again. Must...must get to a shrine... need the balance it provides... But we never made it. We both woke in the cloning facility. I was so weak. So was he.

He knelt on the ground and I walked over to him. Remembering my words the day before about peace and a gentle touch. I... reached out and touched my fingers to his cheek. He looked so lost it pained me to see him. Then... Something else rose in me. I feared it too. But I had no strength to fight it. It rose and spoke through me to Deomo. Touched him softly, spoke soothingly to him. When it left me I strained to reach for... reach along... but I had no strength even for that.

I wavered and shivered and collapsed. My tai'shan senses... hinting of help to come. Then strong gentle arms lifted me into the safe confines of the cloning facility. Carefully set me on the bench and wrapped a warm cloak about me. Somewhere I heard him whisper:

"I swear to you... no harm will come to you or your temple. Not if i have anything to do with it. I swear."

He knelt by me for so long. Watching me ... helpless he was to help me... His had on my shoulder. He stood then, solemn. Sensing that help was near for me. And walked away... like a ghost.

***Medical Report***

Medic: Undercover Ops, name undisclosed

Report:
Zabrak are INFURIATING patients!! We managed to get the blood sample and I still await permission to do the tests from her partner. I cannot understand why she has a partner of such a high Imperial command. Although... this may actually be good for me. There are several research documents I need to understand the medical situation at hand... and he may be able to get the clearance.

Well Scar'let, though disoriented managed to fight her way out. I wish I had a psych report on her. She acts like... like such abuses have occurred to her. Like a wounded and frightened animal cornered and ready to kill, not understanding that we are trying to help.

When some coherency came to her she said she needed to go. She was needed. Need called her.

I do not understand.

Doc^&(^&(^&*

***Medical Report***

Medic: Undercover Ops, name undisclosed

Report:
I stopped into the Temple hoping to find Kimbrya there so I an check on her statis and health. Several things in the recent tissue tests have shown some instabilities from the last cloning.

The Temple was shockingly packed. I feared it would come to this. I was assured it would move to a safe place at some point. But my newest finding shocked me more.

Scar'let lay cold and shaking on the main room floor. She was unconscious. Her vitals low. It is disturbing to see Zabrak like this. Humans yes... but Zabrak? What could have pushed her so beyond her limits? She is in quite a state of shock. We took her immediately into our care.

I contacted Kimbrya on the comm to check in on her. She seems fine and I will see her tomorrow. She gave me a contact for if anything should happen to Scar'let. He is Imperial. My records flagged the name. I confirmed with her if that was accurate. She assured me I could trust him. We admitted her in for treatment and some tests. Everytime she stirred conscious, it was like dealing with a rabid gurrcat! We eventually sedated her for a bit.

I will contact these contact names for advise and permission to do further tests. I have not seen such a feral Zabrak in a long time. Long time ago a young Zabrak boy passed through my hand like this. But he was quickly taken in by another Human. This... she is adult and like this. Two medics have been wounded already. She is disoriented and in shock. Treating her is difficult. I need permission for a heavy sedation and indepth blood tests. My superiors are already annoyed with the amount of time I am spending on this.

Kimbrya's father was a good friend... And Kimbrya is now under my watchful medical eye. She begged me to handle this.

Betrayal?!? Tai'shan?

SUNDAY MORNING

I arrived in Theed to an upset Tai'shan who did not understand. Deomo right in front of me. My Tai'shan's guard facing off with Deomo as my Tai'shan feared for my life. A truce hanging in the balance and fraying FAST! I dared to reach out and touch Deomo's arm.

The waves of stress, anger, confusion, incomprehension, betrayal.... Rocked me... made me dizzy... I had no energy left to deal. I stepped away... wisked onto a ship and trying to explain what I did and why.

He was angry and scared... Angry at Brem for letting me escape safety and walk into Deomo's presense. I had to though. I could really explain it. He threatened Brem.

HE THREATENED BREM! How could I ever trust him!? *and that bond frays a bit*

I lost it. How could he!?! Brem!!! I tried to reach Brem... but couldn't. He tried to assure me that he did not harm Brem. That he reacted without thought. That he undid the actions before anything happened. I could not hear. I was ... BREM!!! Brem... My love. Are you ok!!??

It was I don't know how long. Brem turned his comm back on to say he was ok. Dizzy, overtaxed...The relief knocking me almost flat.

Brem was talking to Cauil in the Temple. cauil was in the Temple? He was seeking solace. That is what the Temple is for... and why it needs to be protected. I had this vague feeling we needed to go to the Temple. Maxell and Cauil must talk. Brem left to train more. He is training his Force Sensitivity I think. We got there. I exchanged politenesses with Cauil and then sat on the roof to give them some privacy.

I was so nautious. So dizzy... losing focus. The stars spun. Maxell asked to borrow a room to sleep in. I showed him to one and then saw Cauil out of my now empty Temple. The whispering was loud... but I could not make it out. I slept with it buzzing.

I woke no better... in fact worse. I ... what am I doing? The Temple... Empty... Brem? Something dark... Brem?!? I felt suffocated! Falling. Drowning. Darkness.

Thoughts of Brem

Brem and I suffer different battles. And yet we both have a Tai'shan... a human Tai'shan. I thought this was rare. Something is changing in the galaxy.

Brem.

I battle the feral within me. He battles the Dark Side of the Force.

Our Tai'shans... can they help us? I am so tied to mine and yet i can feel that that tie could break easily. That break though... would kill my Tai'shan.

And Brem... I love him still. I am confused sometimes. I do not understand this Tai'shan bond. I trust Brem more, but am so pulled to the other.... one I hardly know or trust.

Brem. I miss you. Please. Please be careful.

And remember:
Honour is the Law, Love is the Bond.

Feral calls to Feral... Need calls to Need

I insisted that Deomo meet me alone... somewhere remote. He actually agreed! Yes... i took a chance and skipped out on Brem when he was ahead making sure the coast was clear. My Tai'shan was almost in conniptions.

I HAD to see him, Deomo. I was called to. The feral... the lost and confused... need. Something in him needed me and called to me. I struggled with the feral inside me. We talked. It took all my strength and more to maintain a sense of me throughout. It was more tiring than I thought. I hoped... maybe... to reach something in Deomo... I needed to protect the others... somehow. I needed to reach the need in Deomo... beyond the feral. How could I? I could hardly keep my own feral at bay. We were so close. How close is too close? I could feel him wanting me closer. Want me. Not to kill me. I told him why I trust so few and he recognized that i was wronged. That struck me. He ... thought that the acts against me were a "wrong". Maybe... maybe he can be reached. I was growing too weak. My tenuaous bond with my Tai'shan was growing too strained. I made a hasty retreat.

Deomo. We will see each other again. I hope my words touch you in some way.

I needed the solitude that only space and stars could offer. But then came more poodoo in the hyperdrive...

Poodoo hit the hyperdrive...

SATURDAY NIGHT:

I was sitting listening to news and adverts in Coronet Starport when I got a frantic call to move the Temple or lock the doors and change the sign!

Deomo was coming... *snarl*

Will I never get a karking break!!!

So off I charged to pick up my spare armor to replace the ones I trashed recently and to check on the temple. Oh Gods... it was... empty... packed in boxes and packs.... It was a bit of a shock. I just stood there a moment... stunned. I was then jarred to finish what had to be done. I closed my eyes a sec and sensed the peace still in the temple. I must protect this.

I paid the maintenance on the Temple and changed the name as I locked the doors from strangers. I checked the entry list and... had a feeling I must set Cauil on the entry list. The whispering in the Temple insisted. So I did... against my logical judgement. Then off to safety somewhere...

Met with Brem. Wow... he has really become quite the "tank" his skills far outstip my own in melee. He was to protect me and see me to safety. The stress was high.. the tension higher... I could feel the feral rising again... but more focused.

Then Deomo sliced into my comm frequency... I was so enraged by this. He threatened the lives of those dear to me!!! Coaxed me to come to him. Feral was calling to feral... I was hard pressed. I raged out loud!!! *I think I started and scared Brem a bit... oh gods... I am soooo sorry Brem... it was not for you but for Deomo.*

Strength, compassion, calm, cooling... like the cool soothing blue of the blue carpeted meditation room in the temple... filled my spirit from... from my... my Tai'Shan. Yes. He is with me, helping me balance and stay me.

Then the whispering... I had to do something. They would not understand. I had to try to protect them from the armageddon that Deomo threatened. I ... something in Deomo is the same as in me... the feral. Feral calls to feral. Tai'shan... please trust me in what I am about to do. Please.

Feral Release! Blessed Peace...

The ship was so quiet. Far from the tides of emotions and hunts. Far from the choas that felt like unstopable tattooine sandstorms. I hoped to escape the feral here... and rebuild my barriers. One problem... another heartbeat... intense... hunger, desire... feral... it called... his need called... string but stable need... and collided with my fears and memories. I wanted to be so close to him. How close is too close? What will happen if I do? Will I be lost forever in this feral nature rising in me? I can taste something ... of him ... in the air... stirring the feral in me. I try to fight it! I want to run! He won't let me run away. He hold me firm in place, a gurrcat's grip on my shoulders. I could feel him wanting me. I wanted to run. But there was nowhere to run to. I wanted to rage at him. I did rage at him. He stood his ground firmly, unmoving... like a mountain... so sure of himself. Was I prey? Was I to be enslaved? I looked at him and saw many faces. Dizzying. He touched me. I pushed him away. I screamed! I yelled! I fought fis steady gaze. I fought myself. I raged, the feral threatening to consume me. He let me rage... till I was exhausted. He gave me that freedom. Then he reached out to me again.... and gave me a choice. It was a very difficult choice. Based on trust. The choice to step closer, or to walk away. If i walked, he would land and never see me again. NOOOO!!!!! I wanted him. And I was afraid. He let me go. I could feel that it pained him to do so. "If you love something Scar'let, set it free." Dad? "If it comes back to you it is your, if it doesn't it never was." Dad? *this is what he told me whenever I asked about mom leaving. I had a choice before me. And he was ... letting me go... regardless of what the consequences might be. *trust* I was alone! Too much freedom! Nothing to hold onto! Running with nowhere to go! Caught between fear and desire. I was frozen in place. Frustrated. Angry. Scared. "You do not need to run anymore. You are not alone." His words engulfed me, lending me support, comfort, strength. I wanted to cry. *trust* I took a chance and stepped off the cliff. *trust* I stepped toward him, making my choice. I want the control back. I want myself back. I want him. I ... need him. I can feel he needs me too. *trust*

He touched me, deep in my spirit as his arms encircled me, drew me closer, embraced me. Feral desire laced the edges of what I could taste in the air, what I could smell. It smelled of him... amd me... But he held himself in check, waiting for the right moment. It was intoxicating this closeness. I could feel the feral rising in me, demanding release, demanding to control my actions, consuming my thoughts. I challenged his desire for me, challenged his right to me. He stood firm, ferocity in his eyes, reflecting my primal urges. Will I be lost forever to the feral within? He anchored me in place with a bond so strong and unwavering. His touch sent fire through me, burning away all sentient thought. Touch. Passion. Musk. Sweat. Feral desire. They all rolled through us, lost in each other's need to be closer, bare flesh burning for contact. Lost in the rhythms, wild ferocious rhythms. But not alone. Naver alone. Wave upon wave rose in us We gave in to the heat, the taste... the need. Feral Release! A crescendo of power and passion. A release so sudden, full of pleasure and pain, ecstacy.... intense.... sating. I could feel him inside me... in body and spirit, surrounding me with his scent and energy. I welcomed it. It comforted me. Sated... the feral was sated... eased... aloowing me blessed peace... and self-control once again of my thought.

It was then that it hit me. Crashing in on my thoughts... the realization of exactly WHO I was with. What have we done?!?! I hardly know him. He hardly knows me. His deep blue eyes like the night sky, reassuring me. *trust* I held onto him... suddenly afraid to let go. Relieved it was him and not someone else. Knowing... it couldn't really have been anyone else to touch the very core of me as he did. His tenderness soothed me. I felt peace inside. The feral was still there, but no longer fighting to control me. What will we do? What will happen to us now?

May the Force be with us.
For i know i have been cursed... cursed with an interesting life.

We dressed and landed again on Yavin. I gave him the blue banded bracelet i have worn since the first day arrived in Radiant. And he gave me a large purple gemstone necklace.

*Brem don't laugh!!! Oh nevermind. I know you will anyways... so go ahead.*

We parted ways for safety. But we will meet again soon. We are a part of one another... in an unseperable way. Inexplicably bound. Tai'shan. I may love several people. But none I could ... feel like this about.

Honour is the Law. Love is the Bond.

*oh... and Deomo... choke on it!*

Space... was good for a change

I sensed need... NEED. It shook my being a moment. The scent of the duster.... NEED! It called to me. I raced through the jungle, speeding and weaving, Ferns whipping over me and my swoop. The rush was exhilerating! LAKE! I balked! I thought a second about the feeling of drowning, snarled, and flew across the lake to the... People! Too many people. Too close. Too much. I bolted for the beach again.

Focused calm, like the coolness of Brem's crystal caught my attention. Hope. Things were growing fuzzy in my mind. I wanted to reach out to this calm figure. He stood still, coaxing. The scent of him... the duster I wear. He assured me that we would not be in the outpost long. I followed him, wary, uncertain. But her reached out to me... across an invisible line... through all my walls...

I was on his ship. It seemed familiar somehow. But well decorated. The smell of him was the only smell in this place. The ship moved. A wave of nausea rolled over me as the star swirls and the planet turned. He touched me... briefly and bade me follow him. Then he allowed me to explore. Feral curiosity ruled me. I walked the whole ship, poked into every corner, it all smelled only like him. There were no other energies... No hunts, not stresses... it was like the Force Shrine. I stood on the top deck looking out across the bow of the ship. It was ... quiet here. I could almost hear myself thing. Almost.