Confusion with Max

It has been nearly 2 weeks since I last saw Max. He has been avoiding me. The feelings along the bond have been a dark jumble of self hatred, guilt, shame, feral bloodlust... and more. I know he feels horrible for hurting me. I have tried to let him know it was not that bad. And that it was not his fault.

But he just shuts me out.
Of all things... that... THAT... hurts the absolute most.

I have tried to keep myself occupied with Meela and my exercises. When Max is ready to see me... he will... won't he? I pray that he does not hate himself so much that he no longer love me. I have been watching Meela in her incubation with fascination. I wish Deomo could see her. I hope he is doing well against that pendant. Sometimes Meela is upset and i have to keep her close to me in spirit. She misses him so much it pains my heart. I try to reassure her that daddy will be back. He too has been gone so long. I am worried.

Today I needed to get out and get some air. I walked over to my hut to pay the maintenance. As I stepped out of Avios' facility, I noticed that the Trandoshan guard was gone. Avios also has not been around much. *And Dr. Narheen is not very nice company* There was a GuildHall just outside in Avios' name. It was locked to me. The walk to my hut revealed that even the plantlife on Dantooine has been growing like Meela. There seemed to be more trees and the flowers are huge. Maybe I have been holed up for so long I had forgotten.

In the temple, there was an odd feeling. A shade of darkness. The feeling like I need to recleabse the space. I will do that at the next New Moon. I wonder if it is just spiritual neglect or if something happened. The Accolade and Avios' assistant are both gone. Odd.

I tried again to reach Max. I was hit hard by his feelings of shame. He was apologizing for hurting me. He wanted to avoid me... to avoid hurting me more. I tried hard to reassure him. I could vaguely sense the feral there in him and an ensuing fight. *worried* I quickly stopped in to see Meela and touch the glass and let her know that I would not be gone too long and that I would be close by soon. Then I headed out to try to help Max, reassure him I was fine, sooth his sense of shame. He urged me to stay away. I stopped in to Azrith and fixed my bike and check my finances. Damn. need to do some missions soon. Later. Max is my current priority. *concerned*

I tracked him to Hendola's outskirts where he was fighting, without his cats. Battling the Rebels there who had set up some bases. He was doing grunt work. It was strange to see. I hung back and spoke to one of the officers. They said he was raging. i got a clearance to go into the base and see what was going on. Max came in shortly after and glared at me. The experience sent all the hairs on my neck up and kicked up my instictive defences. I backed out carefully and reported to the officer, then got put back on leave. I was in no shape yet for that kind if fighting. AND, I would NOT fight Max... not even if I was ordered to. I encountered and exchanged some tense words with a man named Zultan. But thankfully we did not fight. I would surely be dead. I left the scene to collect my thoughts and try to keep calm.

Max. Oh Max. What is going on? He has me almost completely shut out. I... I know the dark side he can have to him. It comes with the territory of his job... and his nature. But to see him like Deomo was when I first met Deomo... What is happening? Why?

After about an hour, I headed over to Max's Hendola home to try to meditate on his blue carpet near the pool. I bowed to the trainer in the garden. The Teras Kasi trainer. The swordman trainer was gone. I entered the house and peeked over the pool's side to see if it had water in it this time. Max was there! Bathing the blood and grime off of him. I... felt like I intruded. I... quickly left the house. Max came bounding out practically naked and overjoyed to see me. I... I wanted to be just as overjoyed to see him. But something felt strange. *uncertain* It was like he had no sense of shame for frustration. He was giddy and happy... it was... such a sudden flip flop of emotions I could not catch up with it and really could not understand the suddent change of STAY AWAY to YAY YOU ARE HERE. It was almost like he was high on something. But he wasn't. Also... he had like no memory of the past 3 weeks. No recollection of meeting Highway, or Brem in Theed. No memory of helping me in Agro. No memory of the *blush* lustful interlude we had on his ship... or that that interlude caused me a bit of harm. No memory.

I tried to sift through the feelings and connections along the bond... even dared step past my empathic walls a bit, desperate to understand. He seems to have holed up all the dark and dangerous side of him behind deep dark walls... that struck at me when I poked at them. I SAID STAY AWAY! I AM NOT READY! BE HAPPY WITH WHAT IS LEFT! *!!!???!!!* What the Kark? I will have to speak with Ebe on this... and maybe tag a few others I know to have been close to Max and see if they have noticed anything. I... don't know what to do. It worried me. It made me nervous. Not scared... but nervous.

I am happy with whatever of Max I can be with. When he is ready to share with me... I hope he will. This still worries me and I wish I could help. I will leave this be for now... but it is not forgotten. It was like being with a split personality Max. Had I not known the guilt-ridden feeling he had before... I might not have noticed anything wrong and been just as giddy to see him. But I know the feelings he had earlier... and this put me a bit on edge. I could not even bring myself to hug him. I was so uncertain of him. *sad*

I tried to let things slide and to talk of other matters. Max has acquired some sensitive plants that give healing fruits. He is growing them in that Hall of his and Avios'. We went out to see them. He was so proud of them. I think he is taking a great liking to growing plants. He said it is soothing. *smile* The plants were strange to see but very interesting. I kept my hands tucked in my pockets to avoid touching them. Just in case. Max did say they were sensitive. The Hall was well decorated. It was very Imperial in decor and the Generic architecture gave it a bit of a sterile look, but Max really is an amazing decorator. He complained that the Hall was packed full of stuff and I did not see how... untill I went into the basement. HOLY Kaadus!!! Pack full of armor, weapons, harvested goods, housing deeds, other building deeds... KARK! It looks like the troage space for someone waiting to build a city! He firmly stated that he had no intention of ever doing THAT again.

The excursion and stress was now beginning to sap my energy. We headed over to the temple. We were going to curl up together like we used to. I still felt a bit awkward... like i did not really know this man before me.... yet did. i stretched out on the bed facing the end. He curled on the floor and propped his head on the bed. *smile* I ran my fingers through his hair as I drifted to sleep. Before sleep could claim me... I reached along the small bond I have with Meela and hummed to her as best I can.

What Happened?

I have been very occupied lately with healing and doing prescribed exercises. And with spending time watching Meela. She is growing! It is AMAZING! You never see this when a child is inside you. I can see her little fingers and toes! She makes facial expressions too! What happened to the time?! She is growing so fast! And oh boy is she ever feisty!!! I forbade Dr. Narheen from doing any genetic manipulations on her. I understand this may mean a challenging child. But... Between Deomo and I... she will learn control. And maybe even better ways to directing her feral nature. I shouldn't talk. I don't have great control myself.

The meditaions over the past week or so have helped immensely. The only problem I have had... is with Max. *sad* He... has been avoiding me. I can feel that he thinks of me and wants to get close and them this dark rise of anguish clouds me out. He is shutting me out. Why? What did I do? Is it guilt that he was feeling before or something else? Max... I am fine... really!

Max.... Max? Please...

Max?

I need you... please don't shut me out.
What happened? What did I do?
Max? Please...

:(

Suffering for stupidity

Well... that hurt. *sigh* The feral called out on the Tai'shan bond so strong I could not resist it and in the heat of our passions, so sson after the surgery, I incurred some damage. Not alot... but it was painful. Abdominal muscletension, working out the areas around the uterous... and the lusting (I can't call it anything else... it was lusting)... strained the internal stitching. The external stitching heals faster than the internal stitching. I was receiving cervical stims for the pain and swelling. Thankfully, no real bad damage. There will be some bleeding but nothing to worry about. I was too active too soon. Dr. Narheen recommends low-impact exercises. If I get out and about, nothing "strenuous".

Gods... she cussed and cursed about the taishan bonding like it is the worst thing that could happen to a Zabrak. I think Max is one of the few truly wonderful things that has happened to me in my life. Deomo and Meela are another. What we share via the taishan... can hardly be explained. But I would not give it up.

I did some exercises and meditation. I talked alot to Meela. Sometimes she is all calm, sometimes she is all stressed and upset and fussy. We are finding out that some foods she already does not like. I was right on the eggs. Only the benefit is I do not have to be sick for it. *smirk* I wrap my energy around her and keep her close. I have been trying to sing some of the songs I remember hearing as a child. But none seem to really make her happy. Humming to her the tune Deomo hummed... *smile* that works, but not as well as when he hums it. She is really daddy's little girl.

What will I do? What can I do?

Max has been fretting and brooding. He is turmoil inside... but ... No motter how often I tell him it is ok... it doesn't seem to be. He is just eating himself up. I am thinking... I would like to have him meditate with me one evening. Maybe a different kind of union will be helpful. There are so many things I was to say to him. And while I know he can feel them... the claruty... it is like there are blocks between us. I thought physical union removed those blocks. what are we missing? Something in the communication is missing. Is it me?

Max...
*If I could I'd tell you,
I would tell you how I feel ,
when I'm close to you
At times I'd wish that my heart could tell you
how Much I love you,
but my heart speaks in whispers...
If my heart could speak
you'd know
That I love you so
and I'll never let you go
If you can feel what I felt just now, kiss me
To prove that your love for me is true
Two hearts that beat as one,
send signals To each other in whispers
I would tell you how I felt,
if i could find the words
To describe the way I feel when you are near
Whenever you are by my side
What I feel inside is deep
and I just don't know What to say
because my words get in the way
Everytime I try to say (I love you) what I feel ... Deep inside (I love you)*
{lyrics from song Whisper by Usher}

Feral called to feral along a single Tai'shan bond

I woke a bit sore from my before sleep katas. Meela on my mind.

Was meditating in front of Meela. She is confused and misses her father. She is too little to understand what is going on and why. I tried to reassure her. I wish I could hold and cuddle her in my arms... *sigh* A I looked at her in the incubation unit, I noticed... she is... bigger. Dr. Narheen announced that she has grown a whole inch. A whole INCH! Already!? Wow... Deomo will be so surprised!

Assured that Meela was doing well, I went over to the Temple roof for more katas. MAX! I was startled from my routine. MAX!! *excitement* Max was almost done his missions. YAY!!! I started my routine over again as I forgot where I was at. After a shower, I checked the maintenance of my storage hut and then decided to just... follow the river in front of the temple, westward, for a while... at least till i felt lost and dug out my map. Then rode over to the Agro starport and put away my swoop.

WACK!!
*feral rising*
I turned, blade suddenly in hand. Pirates. I was about to be ganked again. *FERAL*

..... ..... .....

*disorientation*

Max was yelling through both my comm and along pur bond. TAISHAN!!! SPEAK TO ME!!! TAISHAN!!! *disorientation* I looked about at the bloodbath and bodies strewn about the starport... looked in wonderment... and revulsion... *rise of the feral... urge to lick the blood from my blade* TAISHAN!!! *startled* Max? Where was I? Where was I going? Agro. He told me to go sit in the med centre, that he was on his way. I had no memory of what transpired. The feral was so close with such strong urges. It calls to me. Echoes along the bond to Max. Rings in my ears when I smell the fresh air. Gods... what is coming over me? Is it because I was cooped up for so long? With shaking hands I pulled out my datapad as I sat on the medical bed waiting for max to arrive. Max kept talking to me, kept me talking... till most of the disorientation subsided. He asked me to jot down a wp: -4996, -4215 Yavin. He said something about interesting plant life he wants to show me later. When he arrived, he checked all my wounds. I had cold laser weapon burns, bruises and a few cuts and scrapes, but was otherwise ok. Even the stitches from my surgery were fine. I relished Max's touch and had to focus hard to keep the feral from rising again. This was hardly the time nor the place!

*sigh*

We traveled to Theed. Rebels?! The Alliance flags were all over the city! WOOHOO!!! We control the planet!!! DAMN! They attacked Max on sight! Nooooo! Stop!!! Dammit. *sigh* they shot at each other. Max was unharmed. Then Brem walked up. BREM!!! I bounded over and hugged him! I told him of Meela and how things were. He told us his guild attempt was a failure... and told us that he got married! WOW! To a Twi'lek named Gucci. CONGRATS! He also told us he will be having a fashion show at the end of April. He is still a tailor but has worked back up to master pikeman again. Max and Brem talked for a while more. I found a quiet spot and dropped into meditation. I checked the links and bonds to Meela and was comfortable with the balance I felt there. She still wants her daddy. I am sure he will come to her soon. Deomo... I hope you come for her soon. She misses him.

Brem finally left with hugs. Max and I headed over to the cantina... but it was too crowded so we left and ran into a Master ranger who greeted us like he knew us. His name is Highway. We exchanged news about hunting and space missions. He has flown once with Max. But he knew us most through Ebe. They are apparently seeing each other. Max did not react to this very well at all. I dare say he was... jealous? I struggled to not pull his gun and shoot the man. I swayed the conversation and gave us an out to leave. Kark Max... Ebe has every right to have another relationship now too. That was a tense moment.

We went up into Max's sorosuub and into space for a bit to decide what to do, where to go, what to explore. The smell... the memories... the sight of the Nabooian nebulas all blue and green. I wanted to hold Max and feel him close to me. The feral danced at the edge of my senses calling me. In the upper deck, I kicked off my shoes again and smiles at the feel of the soft velour carpet under my bare feet. I was being silly. I was so wrapped up in the happy feeling of being out here that I didn realize Max had come up behind me and was smiling at my silliness. *blush*

I turned... all shy. We touched. We kissed. The feral rose with such desire. It called along the bond... untroubled and no longer split between two taishan bonds. The force of it I could not resist. Gods... I ... lusted. I lusted for Max. It rolled along the bond and washed through him calling the same feeling from him. Taishan urges and feral nature took over in the heat of intense pleasure. It dictated the next hour or so.

*wince*

Too intense.

*wince* Should have waited another day or so. *worry... guilt... shame...* Max rushed me back to Dr. Narheen. I strained the internal stitches. I could feel Max tearing himself apart with guilt at having hurt me. He didn't really. *sigh* Back to bed rest and doctor supervision. Dammit. She railed into Max something fierce, berating him for the stupidity of our action. Then she cursed about the taishan bonding and how much of a nuisance it is. If she had her way, she would slice Meela's genes and remove from her the feral and the ability to bond taishan (if she could).

*Max... I will be ok. It is not your fault.*

First Jaunt after Surgery: Max' & Deo's

As I understand, Naboo has fallen to Imperial contral and there is major Imperial force in Theed. So after my nap, i rode to Azrith, then shuttled to an empty Agro starport. Instead of going to Theed as usual, i flew to Moenia. Moenia will forever be under Rebel Alliance control... if not that then at least under Borvo the Hutt's control... and he still like me.

In the Moenia Starport, I met someone intersting. An Alliance officer, superior rank to me. His name is Macarthur. He was very friendly and I got an amazing feeling off him. I senses such a good an honourable soul. We chatted a bit. He runs a swoop vendor on Rori. It was a pleasant conversation in a not crowded environment. He said to add him to my contact list and feel free to say hi anytime. Will do. I do actually like meeting people and talking and learning about them... just not in massively crowded areas.

I hopped a shuttle to Hendola and walked over to Max's. I stopped at a distance... *smile* remembering how Max had walked me over with his hands over my eyes and giddiness in his energy. When he lifted his hands from my eyes, I was surprised with a garden just outside his front door. And in that garder were two trainers hired there for me for as long as I might need them: a Teras Kasi trainer and a swordsman trainer. *beam* I walked over and bowed to each respectfully. They mildly chastized me for being out of shape and form, but they knew what I was going through. I will see them again soon... for training.

I wandered into Max's home and patted his razorcat by the front door. I stopped in the main room and took off my boots. Max's scent filled the room. I walked a bit on the rug with my bare feet smiling. I looked about the room at the plants and the four spiritual trees: Honour, Will, Strength, and Faith. Then peaked over the edge of his pool like I did many months ago. *!!!* It was empty! No water. Guess it doesn't have to be filled with water all the time, especially with Max away. I checked on the maintenance on the way out. Why should I even worry about it? *smile* Max is so good at this sort of thing.

I nounted my swoop and decided to gurr it cross country to Deomo's new house for him and Meela. I sped over the water kicking up a spray of it and giggled. Rode low across the fields with the winds. I had to stop occassionally to just touch things... like the grass, the bushes, the trees, swamp water... a spider. Hehe. Masked my scent so nastier critters did not stalk me. Sped over another lake to park on the point of an island with a large castle-like building overlooking the lake. The Iafik residence. I stood for a long while on the front porch admiring the view.

As I crossed under the archway to the front door, all my senses tingled.
Deomo was inside.
I rushed to the door.
It was locked. I was locked out.
I could sense more clearly now that he was deep in battle with the spirit of the pendant.
I calmed my minds and dropped into meditation.
But Deomo was beyond my reach....
Deo... this is your battle and yours alone... I can no longer help you.
Battle for your soul Deomo... for the love of your/our daughter, Meela...
I stood and by some strange instinct drew a symbol on his front door with my finger, with the Force... an ancient symbol of blessing... wishing Deomo luck and wisdom... strength... and honour....

Time for me to go. I can do nothing here. The best help I can offer is to take care of Meela. So back I go to Avios' and to sleep with Meela nearby.

First Jaunt after Surgery: Azrith Mall & Temple Katas

Landed in Azrith to light rain. I am not going to complain about it this time... I... actually kinda missed it... *grin*

I roamed Azrith a bit... rememebring getting missions with maxell from here. *smile* I miss that too. I hope to do that again soon! I walked to the Mall there to see if it was still locked to me. An ATST was outside... abandoned by someone named Sou. Just standing there doing nothing. *shrug* Walked to the mall door. Nope, not locked. YAY! In a strolled. *frown* very little changed. I checked out the few vendors. I sighed as they carried nothing to some of the same old same old that I had seen months ago. Then a womans cheery voice startled me. Denna was her name. And she is one of two wives to Rahl. She is mayor of Azrith now and a member of RLD there. I almost grabbed missions on my way out like Max and i have done in the past. But thought better of it. I am not yet ready for that.

I passed the trainers on my way to the garage. TRAINERS! MAX!! *BIG GRIN* Max had hired trainers for me in Hendola! I remember! Oh... I should head out there and say hi to them. Check on Max's Hendola home... and look in on the house Deomo built for him and Meela. But first... off to the Temple. Called up my swoop and did some repairs on it at the garage. With that taken care of, I sped out to the Temple.

I walked in and was again hit by the scents... Maxell, the fountain, Avios, the candles, the kittens. *smile* The small stool with the crystal for training was still in the center of the ritual space. It reminded me of the training I did with Deomo. I hope he is doing well. i checked on the kittens downstairs and sifted through our backpacks. I could not help taking out Maxell's cloak and sitting for a bit all bundled in it, breathing in the scent of him... pretending to be wrapped in his embrace. *contented sigh* Soon. Soon I hope. he will be back from his missions and we can spend some time together. I relunctantly placed his duster cloak back into his pack and proceeded to the office where the assistant there greeted me. *bow* He has been doing a great job and I made sure to tell him so. I repacked my backpack with hunting supplies and all and pulled out my Ubese and padded armor, the awesome padded armor that Deomo got for me. it felt sooooo good to pull on the Ubese pants, hunting shirt, padded boots and jacket. Ahhhhhhh... I then climbed the stairs, pausing to smile at the calm feeling I got from the meditation rooms, on my way to the roof of the Temple.

On the roof... the view was spectacular. I had forgotten it. I stepped out into the waning sunshine as memories flooded my mind. Brem and I racing our lizard mounts like playful children around the roof. The dark silouette of Deomo on the far end of the roof turning to speak to me when I was so stressed "You know, it is ok to let go, to not always be strong Scar'let." And sitting with Max... watching the sunset. I sat there to watch the sun set again... Oh max... I want you here with me. *sigh*

Once the sun was set I stood with new determination. I have to be able to do things on my own too. I have to be able to get back into hunting and running this temple. I need to get back to training, both the battle sorts and the clergy sort. I knelt and calmed my mind. Breathed deep and let my mind and body relax. I centered myself and graounded my energy into the here and now. Balance. Shifted... into meditation... letting the thoughts and stresses go... pulling in my focus... and solidifying me conviction to get back into form. I stood and stretched slowly. Jogged about the roof a round to warm up. And began to work out the kinks and remember all my old battle moves....

Unarmed Combat
- stances and steps, strikes and blocks
- dirty street fighting moves
- one and two handed impact hits
- stunning blows
- backhand strikes and swings
- kicks and sweeps

I paused to take out my vibroknuckler (VK) and go through it all again with the weapon in hand including some moved specific to the use of this weapon. When I was done, i put away the VK and walked the roof perimeter to slow my heart and breathe easier. Dropped to meditation again to rebalance and go over it all in my mind.

Then I stood, focuses, and drew my old 1H (one-handed) fencing sword. I took a few swings to remind myself of the feel of it. I know I will be giving it up soon.

Fencing Combat and Defence
- swings and strikes
- blocks and parries
- dizzying head shot
- fencing footwork and the grace in the dance (things I will apply to my sword work)

I walked again arond the rood and set aside the fencing sword. Dropped into meditation pose again for another rebalancing. The next challenge is to work through all the sword techniques. I drew the trusty 2H (two-handed) curved sword that Dolch gave me. I hefted the blade in my hands to get used to its weight. This... this suited me perfectly.

Sword Combat
- basic 2H sword techniques
- precision strikes
- blade sweeps
- finesse and balance
- fatal spinning attacks
- area swings and srtikes
- head shots
- high and low swings and sweeps

*pant pant*

I sheathed the sword and jogged the roof perimeter again, then walked it two more times to cool down. Did some more stretching and knelt finally into meditation again. The sky brooded then burst into a short light rain. I went inside for a shower and to clean and dry my clothes and armor. Wow... i was tired out!! Damn. But the shower helped. I will go through this routine morning and night for a week to get back into form. Time for a short nap.

First Jaunt after Surgery: Feral in Agro

I sat and ate and listened... and tacked away at my datapad. Every pause was filled with thoughts... Maxell... *smile* Just consider me thinking of him in the background... as... he is always on my mind. I MISS HIM!!!

*sigh*

The Dantooine Mining Outpost was still busy. Hunters coming and going. Travelers, too. There were several people yelling about their services. Doctors and entertainers. There were also group leaders hollering for hunting groups. Hunters gathering solo missions. Even merchants trying to hok their brandy, meds, and some with drugs like spice (pixies and muon gold). Time to head out again. The crowd is getting a bit rowdy here... too much for my comfort.

I landed in Agro port... and was immediate ganked by the pirates! Three... then 5... then 14... I was overwhelmed with no medical enhancements. My light armor was not helping much. I struggled to pull my sword. I was knocked to the ground. *forced equilibrium... feral rising* Up I stood, blade in hand. *snarl* FLASH SLICE SWING. And the dance began... *imagining the feeling of focused feral behind me watching my every move as two great cats join me*

It was over and I was still swinging. *confusion* No one was left standing but me... panting. I was so sure Max was there with his cats. *confusion* I cleaned my blade, looted the stupid pirates and boarded the shuttle to Azrith... still a bit disoriented. I hadn't lost myself to the feral like that for a while. Makes me a bit nervous. I almost blacked out in a way... no memory of what i did exactly or how I managed to ill them all. Normally I can't and have to beg for help. I sat on the shuttle trying to gather my thoughts and calm down.

First Jaunt after Surgery: Saladrim & the Yacht

My initial checks on the Temple showed it was clean and well maintained. Max's scent was on the air, so he must have been here recently to ensure all was well. *grateful* So I called up my swoop and headed to Azrith to catch the shuttle over to Mining Outpost here on Dantooine ... just to see what was going on. I had this... feeling... to go there...

BUSY! CROWDED! I almost left right away. *tense* Then Saladrim walked up to me, placing himself between me and the crowds. *smile* I wonder if he knows he is doing this or does it unconsciously. He has been one of the few docs in the public that I trust. He is keenly intuitive. We chatted lightly in the open air while hunters rushed about. With his usual shyness, he told me he is now mayor of the WIKAN guild city here on Dantooine. We have a language barrier as his basic is rough. He speaks mostly Spanish, one of the human dialects. I think he is embarrassed that he has difficulty. I understand him just fine though. And he understands me. He suddenly beamed and nearly bounced with joy as he showed me his Master Pilot certification. *smile* Then he proudly announced that he has a Yacht... a YT1300... and asked if I would like to come up and see it. As a chance to get out of the now growing crowd... absolutely!

Davh, another WIKAN guild member, stopped by as we headed to the starport. Pleasantries were exchanged, but Davh had a hunt mission to go to.

Saladrim took my arm gentlemanly, and escorted me to his ship. As we boarded he asked about the preganancy and my health, nodded approval that I was seeing a specialist. Noted I was different as I explained the child was incubation and safe. He smiled. Nodded. And walked me aboard his ship. He sensed I would not tell him more on the issue but was glad to see me well for a change.

The yacht was INCREDIBLE! HUGE! Saladrim gave me a tour. We started in the cockpit which seats FOUR! As we walked abut the ship he explained the different rooms and stuff. There are panels on the inside where people can make repairs from the inside while still in space. Looted cargo gets tractor-beamed into the cargo holds. And there are a few large rooms. One was set-up like a meeting room. He is so proud of this ship of his. It is a yacht like the Sorosuub but can fight as well! It is the same schematics as the legendary Millenium Falcon. This was a ton of fun!! We landed after a short hop through space, back in the Mining Outpost.

He had to meet up with his guild. I sat and pulled some food from my pack to eat while I listened to the news in the starport.

Declared well!

Today, while Max was still out doing whatever duty he was called to, I was declared by Dr. Narheen to be well enough to return to full activity.

*HUGE SMILE*

I have such plans... Oh Max... I hope you can find some time for me from your duty. I want to explore the galaxy all over, fresh... with you. I want to dance with blades and train and hunt ... with you.

I want to hold you close beneath the Nabooian stars... and feel your heart beating as I lay my head upon your bare chest blanketed only by the sky...

Couple Steps Closer to Healed

Two days of careful healing and slow walking and I am at last permitted back to minimal regular life. I have been doing stretching, prescribed by Dr. Narheen, supervised my Maxell, the Doctor and Avios. *smile* Strength and honour. *Where did I hear that?* I will work hard and carefully to be back to where I need to be to get back into training and managing the temple. I am healing well. Dr. Narheen wants to still do tests and keep monitoring me regularly for the next few months. I have not yet been brave enough to ask her about my chances of having a future child. Later. I will ask later.

I have gotten back into meditating too. I meditate on the balcony. *stairs are good exercise!* And I meditate in front of Meela. I try to tell her all about me and and what I have learned as a priestess and how I have taught her father. I can sense she is stressed about him. So, I hold her spirit close to mine in the loving embrace of a mother... and try to shine for Deomo. Strength and Honour Deomo... Cuimhnigh... come back to Meela. Come back safe and well. Please. Oh gods and spirits, oh ancesors of my family and his, I pray to you all... please help him to come back to his daughter safe.

*sigh*

Maxell has stepped out for a bit. He has headed out to tend to maintenance, administration, business... and his own work. He works so hard to make everything still keep going even when I cannot. He compliments me. I hope I compliment him.

Here I am now, datapad in hand, out on the balcony looking out across the Dantooine landscape or tundra and near desert, out and the extremely starry sky. Change is on the wind. I have yet to get back into the activity of the galaxy and see how it has changed. It will be so new to me. It will be like seeing it for the first time. maybe I will POI hunt all over again... with Max. *smile* maybe I will try my hand again at flying. Avios mentioned an interest in it. Maybe I will take him up if he thinks he can stomache my flying. *embarrassed* Yes... change is on the wind... But what kind?

Mending in Max's Embrace

I had much more energy today. I was permitted to dress and move about with assistance. It still hurt like a sharp stab... but bearable. I wanted... needed to see Meela. I dressed in my black skirt and black shirt, neither were tight or constricting.

With Max to lean on, I walked up to the unit containing her small form floating in the BE fluid. She looks so perfect... a perfect little Zabrak nearly fully formed and just the size of my hand. I reached up and pressed my hand to the glass. She stirred at my presense as I reached with the Force out to her. It was really quite amazing to see her. Avios really did an incredible job. She is so comfortable in there. I can feel it. I must have stood there for 20 minutes or more. Max grew concerned and tentatively touched my shoulder. Then he stepped up to wrap his arms around me. And we both looked at her for a few more minutes. I hope Deomo fairs well against the pendant. I worry much for him... for Meela. If the worst should happen, I know Max will be as much a father to her as if she were his own. But she will know he is not her father. I will tell her stories of her father and his deeds... if I have to pry the info out of every SSS member myself. I know Deomo has done cruel terrible things... but he has done wonderful things too. She will know them all. *Deomo... please be well... for her*

I turned to Max and asked to go outside, if there was a balcony to this building. He faced me and as he put his arm around me to carry me there, I was overcome with this sudden urge and need to embrace him and hold him tight. It was like I have not held or touched him in months. I clung to him with my arms as strongly as my spirit did over the past few days. The scent of him. The warmth of his body. GODS! I have missed him so. Despite that he might have been exhausted he summoned strength and lifted me. I buried my face in his shoulder as he carried my up the first flight of stairs to the main floor.

There *!!!* was a trandoshan in the main room! He barked his warning as we approached and Max ordered him to stand down. With some difficulty, Max saluted him. The trandoshan saluted back. We continued our climb to the second floor all the way around to the balcony. There he set me to stand on my own. Tears nearly stung my eyes with relief at the sight and smell of the fresh air. Cool and clear. I stepped to the railing and leaned my hands on it for support. The world looked so different... felt so different. The air was crisp. I asked Max whether it was morning or evening for I could not tell. He smiled a small right-sided quirky smile that dimples that cheek slightly. He honestly didn't know as he had not left my side. I watched him... marveling how I missed that smile, that small dimple, those deep blue eyes. I glanced for a second out at the sky as something sparkled in Max's eyes, reflected from the sky. Stars! *smile* So it was evening. I leand into Max, growing tired from the standing already. He sat back against the wall and I sat in his lap his cloak about me, and his arms. We just sat there for hours and the evening deepened into night. Clouds rolled in with speed as they only do on Dantooine and began a light rain. Max lifted the hood to cover my head and let me know that if I grew cold or damp that we would go inside. I protested. I will endure the rain to stay ourside. I did not have to endure long. It evaporated quickly and the stars shone brightly moments later.

Max began to yawn. He is so tired. He has given so much of himself to me. He asked the doctor if it was safe for me to sleep out here with him and gained reluctant permission. We snuggled close. *wince* Relaxed. Snuggled... and slept. I woke to still see the stars of the predawn. I reached over to the datapad I had pocketed in the cloak and here I have updated my journal at last. I could not resist watching Max sleep, nor could I resist running my fingers through his slightly greying hair. He slept so soundly, he never noticed. *smile*

Alert... somewhat

Yesterday was a bit of a better day. Maybe I am healing. I feel like a pin-cushion... stim shots, IV fluids, more stim shots. Med shots, too. But I seem to be healing. I apparently lost alot of blood and it is slow to regenerate. Otherwise, the surgery incision is healing well. I feel like I have more energy, as in I can stay alert somewhat for much longer.

*smile*

And talk with Max. Just talk. He was telling me the news. The Galactic Civil War has escalated. It is a good thing I put my papers in to be on On Leave status.

Lothar arrived... I am not sure I know him. He seemed familiar. He approached Meela's unit and looked at it and then Max and Dr. Narheen provided him with DNA sample of Deomo. Something about a promise Max made to Deomo should Deo... fail.... *anxiety*

I did not have enough energy to be up though. Max took care to sponge bathe me and Dr. Narheen placed another bacta-bandage on me. If I keep imroving, I may be up and about in a few days.

I must remember to speak to Dr. Narheen and ask about the future... my future chances... of having another child. Can I? Or is this all that will happen again? Will this surgery cause me to never have children again? What if Max and I.... I need to speak with her.

Cuimhnigh Deomo...

Deomo... cuimhnigh...

Remember...

I will always love you. There is a place for you always in my heart.
And remember, I will never give up on you... ever... no matter what...

So, fight that evil spirit with all you got...
Fight it for what our taishan bond created... our daughter... Meela...
Fight for her, Deomo...

Remember her... never give up...

Can't help Deomo...

Last night I stirred. I had a little strength. I wanted to be up. I wanted to see Meela in the incubation unit. I wanted to see Deomo. I wanted to see Max... and be held by him. But I did not have that much strength.

There were conversations going on around me. I could only catch snippits ... and can hardly recall even the questions Max was asking me.

Deomo. He is out of time. *stressed* He took my hand when I begged to hold him. As he came closer... my gods... the pendant is changing him. If I close my eyes, though, I can still feel... it is Deomo in spirit, not some evil infiltrating spirit. He and I no longer have a connection of Tai'shan. It served a purpose... but what purpose? To ignite this pendant? To ferret out an evil spirit gone awol from the council of shadow ancestors? To inspire Deomo to a sense of self-worth worthy of one day leading a tribe of his own? To bring into this world a girl so strong with the feral she might not live a sentient life?

Yes. I heard Dr. Nahreen say it. When will become of our, Deomo's and mine, our daughter?

What will become of Deomo? I have not the stregth nor does he have the time to learn the last lessons. I asked Max to relay to Deomo some tips. But did I finish what I had to say? My strength wanes so quickly... Max by my side, anchoring me to life, shining with strength and love... as the darkness overcame me again.

**From the journal of D. Narheen**

Late last night we finally had the equipment ready for the tranfser of the child from Miss Firecat's womb. It was difficult to do the callibrations. We had to keep making adjustments every few days as we added one small sample and bio-engineered sample at a time. I was truly afraid we would lose both mother and child before it was ready. When we finally began the surgery, Miss Firecat's vital signs were so low. I had already rellogated her to the realm of death and focused on the child. The surgery was simple and relatively quick. It was a standard c-section surgery to remove the small fetus. I had done hundreds. It was interesting to see the fluxes of the child's vitals as Lt. Col. Iafik focused on his child. There is a strange bond there.

I was amazed to see Miss Firecat still alive after the surgery and commenced stitching her up. Her vitals are so low that she should have slipped silently into death during the procedure. Maxell has been good by her side and I can see this is straining his tai'shan bond with her. Humans are not tough creatures. He is so drained. He must be keeping her tied to life. She will need booster stims for her vitals and a very rich IV injection of nourishments. The child is well, now I can focus a bit on her. She is very touch and go.

It is funny how men are with their unborns and partners. I have been threatened more in the span of 3 hours here than all my time in the Empire. And if all goes well... I will likely be priases. I just ignore it all. I have a duty... and that is to see this child live. Some genetic modification may need doing to ensure her survival. I will have to speak with Avios on this.

Weak & Confused

I stirred a bit this morning. I feel like death warmed over. I feel... lost... empty.. confused...

Meela!

Meela... *sigh* is fine... but not within me. The surgery proceded... did Deomo come?

Am I still asleep? Everything seems surreal and slow... and breathing is difficult, like I am not on a class M planet. *pain* ugh! I thot the pains would stop after the tranfer of Meela. My bosy must need to adjust. I feel so... empty... detached. I can hardly sense her... and can't sense Deomo on the bond at all. He is at the edge of my other senses, so maybe he IS in the room. O hope he is watching over Meela. I ... just can't move to do so.

*Max?*

Max... A steady anchor for me to hold onto. Like a becon of light shining in the darkness, he has been by my side. My strength when strength failed me. Hope when I was ready to give up and die. I can still feel him brush the back of his hand across my brow, hold my hand in his... His warmth beside me.

There are other voices in the room. *???* Avios? The doctor?

*drifts into hazy darkness*

**In the haze of darkness**

**Max?**

Max... I know I am not alone. I can sense you beside me. I feel tired. I feel cold. Hold me... please... don't let me fall.

**Max?**

Max... I love you...

**Max?**

Giving my All... slipping away.... *last desperate reach along the bonds*

*pain... then numb*

I drift between tension and a sense of floating. I have focused all my energy into Meela's survival. I know they are finishing the last touches on the incubation unit.

Deomo... please hear me... I... cannot hold out. I have tried. Max has tried. Meela will be safe. Please... be strong for her. I wish you were here. If you can feel me at all, please, come to me.

Max... I am so tired.....

~~~M e e l a.......

*slips into deep darkness*

Cannot wait any longer

I got news from Ebe that Deomo is again safe in Theed. He is still struggling with the pendant. But he is at least safe.

The incubation unit for Meela is now callibrated. I believe this weekend we will have the surgery to move Meela from my womb to the incubation unit. I rub the small swell of her within me and whisper that I will always be near. I have gone through some nasty bouts of sweats and contractions and unconsciousness over the last several days. I am glad Maxell has not left my side. Every time I look over, I feel secure as I see his soft deep blue eyes and gentle smile. *weak smile*

Please gods... let me survive this....