!!!

Meela is all excited! wriggling and moving and joyous...

DEOMO!

I must get out to see how he is. OK ok... Meela... relax. I will go check on him. I promise to bring him home.

Alone with Meela

I spent today with Meela. I was not feeling very social or energetic. I missed Max terribly. All the people I am most close to or were most close to are all gone away. I tried meditating... but wept instead. I cannot even touch Meela. She seems listless too and worried. I do not know what is going on with Deomo. I fear he is dying... but cannot reach him. He is still alive... that much I can tell through Meela. Holding on... I hope... for her. She needs him like I need Maxell. This is not a good low mood. But maybe a needed one for spiritual rest.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go hunt and train... and hopefully meet up with Ebe and teach her about the temple. I have a promise to keep.

Scar'let Firecat & Maxell Snow (Fire & Snow)

Flames, fire
Dancing light
Glowing so softly
Burning fiercely bright

Ice, snow
Cooling touch
Sparkling, frosting
Thought out art

She
Melts his icy exterior
He
Eases her raging fire

In their wake
A temple will grow
Balanced by
Fire and Snow

Last Night Together

We went up in my empty sorosuub. Just to a nive view of Dantooine and its moons. There among the stars I told Max. I told him how I felt.

I told him... that...

I love him.

He stood there a long time. Quiet. Watching me and smiled. I know. Then he took from his pocket a small ring and approached me, looking deep into my eyes. *oh Max...* Before he could speak, for I knew the words across the bond... before he spoke I raised my hand and placed my fingers gently over his lips to silence him. Shhhhh... no Max. Don't ask me now. Wait till you come back. Ask me then. He swallowed. Then placed the ring in my hand. For safekeeping till I return. I nodded. I kissed him and told him again that I loved him. It was a wonderful feeling to say the words aloud.

*touching my own ring hidden in my own secret pocket... still saving it... for when he gets back*
*As a ring is an eternal circle, so it the love I bear for thee.*

We went up to the deck and curled up together. I wrapped my arms around him. I ran my fingers soothingly through his hair. I purred (a rare thing) for him. Then I gently pressed my cheek to his and whispered in his ear one more time. I love you, Max. I wanted to make sure I said it aloud for him ... make sure he knows it... before he leaves....

We slept our last night together in each other's arms on my ship. In the morning, he took his tie fighter to Dathomir.

Max... I love you.... Come back to me soon.

Max? Leaving?!?!

My dumb hutt. *grr* I got a ton of emails about paying the maintenance so I rushed over yesterday to pay it. When I got there... *confused* it was paid... for like 40 days. *huhn?* OH! Max... that's right... he mentioned he might do that.

Then I dug out one of the treasure maps I had looted from some pirates and hunted it up. Wow! It was buried real close to the temple! Cool. I dug it up for fun. Usually there is just junk... but this time there was a pretty necklace of a design I had never seen before. Hmmm. Just as I was finishing up, Maxell asked me to come to the temple. Yay! I was hoping we would get some time together. The Nyax insident was a disaster... maybe we can go hunting instead or something. But the tone in his voice was... odd... sad... and concerned. I could feel it along our bond. *worried* I wondered what was up and hurried over to the temple.

As I walked in, I overheard him talking with Ebe about how he had discovered what everyone was trying to tell him about his behavior and that he gave up pistols and is focusing on medic training as a way to deal...but that it was still not really dealing with this problem. He was explaining to her that he was going to go away. *MAX!? Leaving!!???!!* My breath caught. Leaving? First Blimey... then Brem... then Deomo... now Max? Before I get to tell him... tell him... how I feel.... NO! Noooooo.......

Max, Nooooo.... please. Don't leave me!

I must go Scar'let. I need help with my inner demons. I am going to the jedi village on Dathomir. You cannot come with me. I need help Scar'let. I need help. I hope the masters and elders there can help me. Please. Understand. I am not leaving you. I ... need help that you cannot give. I... want to be whole... for you.

He needed my strength now, to face his own demons. He needed my courage and strength and needed to not worry about me while he dealt with this. He hoped this journey will help. Hoped the elders can help. Hoped he would return. *gods... might not come back!!!* NO. He WILL come back. All my strength is his. Well, Meela's first then his.

Gods... going away. Alone. I cannot follow him. I cannot be by his side. He goes where I cannot follow.... Please gods... bring him back to me.

He paid the maintenance up an all the buildings, including the temple for a month or 2 and arranged for a guild... and honourable guild... and Imperial guild named TIE ... to take me in as a member and protect me from other Imperials. The leader's name is Carrick. ME?! Join a guild? An Imperial guild at that?!!! NO WAY!!! He begged me to... so he would not have to worry about me.... *sigh* Ok. But they better not expect me to become Imperial... nor betray me. They are all strangers to me. Ebe vouched for them too... as honourable. Only for you Max... only for you.

He then went on to explain about some dream he had had. That the temple has three parts to it... three key people: me, Max, and someone else... but he did not explain the details of this to me and Ebe. He described that he dreamed he stood on the steps of the temple holding a book and a sword, that he was not the owner of these sacred items, but was their keeper. *shiver* I could sense the Force in his words and almost see the image in my mind. He implored Ebe to stand in his stead and be keeper of the temple, administrator and watchful eye while he was away. She was very concerned about this as she is not really a spiritual person and knows little of the temple. I offered to teach her as a way to get her familiar and a way to practice getting into the rhythm of temple activities. Max was feeling more reassured by this.

Then a strange girl entered the temple and complimented me and Ebe like she was ... how do I say it... the kind of woman who preferes the company of other women. Interesting. Not my thing, but I am not offended by it. I was flattered by her comment, but hope she understands I am not interested. I am Max's... wholely. She is Zabrak. I recognized her as Rebel. Her name is Tempestia. Tempestia!! She is Max's good friend who wanted to speak to me before. Max informed me that she will see to it that I keep up with my fighting training till I am back in form, mentally and physically. While Max ran off to set the security on his other buildings, I got to know Tempestia a bit. We discussed her skills and interests a bit. She is a tiny thing... but deadly. Rifles are her specialty, but she can handle any gun. Ebe vowed that if Max was not back in 2 weeks, that she would hunt him down and drag him back. I vowed to be with her, as did Tempestia. Girl power! Heehee. We all care for you Max. We will come to your aid whenever and if ever you need us.

We parted ways. Max talked with Ebe a bit outside and then came in to meditate at Fyrshka's shrine. He hears her voice so much more clearly that I. I just hear vague whispering. I left him to make his peace and went to meditate in the Blue Room till he was ready. Gods... I have to tell Max. I cannot let him leave without me telling him. He came up and knelt before me. The evening... is for us. One last evening before he leaves. Gods... what shall we do? I told him... as I told Blimey so long ago... anything, anywhere. We will do whatever you most want right now.

Let's go up in space... to the peace among the stars... I want to sleep in your arms one last night.

Dolch & Fyrshka

Today I stopped in early for my daily visiting with Meela. I love to watch her. She is gowing so fast! The doctor says she is doing very well but may have difficulty speaking when she is out of the grown/incubation unit. Speech should come shortly after... but that it may seem long to me. Supposedly Avios was the same... took a bit of time before he was really talking. He is such a soft spoken young man. Man. He too is all gown up now. So many things have been changing.

I decided that I needed to go meditate at the temple and rethink my skills and tactics. I am way out of practice and the failure at Nyax's was evidence of that. As I walked into the temple... I noticed... someone was there.

*surprise*

DOLCH! Wow! It has been a LONG time since I last saw him!! He too has changed. He gave up being a smuggler... um...businessman... gave up being involved in the criminal scene. He is still an Alliance officer. But now... he is a Starship Expert... and a jedi. He has been visiting Fyrshka's shrine almost every day while I was occupied with Meela. He loved Fyrshka so badly. I can tell. And he never got to tell her so before she was gone. He has decided to become a jedi to try to understand why she did what she did. He misses her terribly. I wish I could ease his pain and loss. He also is committed to protecting the temple... Fyrshka's dream. I am sure that they will one day be reunited. But to have never had the opportunity to tell the other how they felt.

I never want max to leave before I get the chance to tell him how much he means to me... how much I care about him... how much... *I love him*... ... ... If only I could voice the words....

*and the secrets I hold...
the ring hidden these many months in my pocket...
the dreams I have...
the wishes I want to share...
the commitment I want to make*

Struck Down by Lord Nyax

Spent some time in a cantina and med centre. Why? Max and I got struck down the other day. We met up for some POI exploring. I had this niggling feeling I needed to go back to an old POI I had visited long time ago... where I hear the whispering of dead jedi. The old Lord Nyax Cult Base. I set up camp on Corellia near the Beachfront Mall, where I had met with Ebe. There I played with Keewnye again while I waited for Max to show up. She loves chasing the butterflies.

Max... looks different... "feels" different. I know he is really working through what has happened to him. I wish there was something I can do. Be there. Support him. I don't know what else. *I care Max... tell me what you need from me* He has been working very hard on his medical training. I can sense the Force very stong in him again... not so distorted like before. I wonder if he is getting Force training somewhere. He showed up at my camp with no armor nor weapons, just his pets. *smile* He was in black with his brown hooded cloak. It... softened him some from the harsh military uniform or armor of before. He looked real good. I watched him while he trained Koownye to know a new trick. *smile*

We decided to take the scenic route to the old Lord Nyax POI and travel by mounts. Laghairt was thrilled to be out and about! He was a bit hard to handle with his bouncing around. But he finally settled. Especially when some slice hounds tried to pick a fight. *feral grin* that did not last long. I had a short but fun hunt. With Max helping with his pets and healing as the brief battle ensued. It went well. I haven't hunted in a while and that gave me some confidence that I could still do it.

We were off again when a rebel fired on Max. I could not convince the agent to let up. I tried to get our mounts to outrun, but the agent followed... intent of killing Max. Grrrr.... he ought to go on leave before exploring. *sigh* Max's cat made a meal of the guy. As we crept close to Nyax's the whispering could be heard. It made me a bit nervous because i could not make it out. I was also concerned about Max's empathy there. It is a hard place to be in.

To our surprise... it was occupied!!! It was abandoned for so long! Crap. The Nyax cult followers were back and attacking us! We struggled a bit but cleared out the surface grounds. Max got his first look at the jedi skulls and sabers on display. I was going to ask him what he sensed when more of Nyax's followers attacked. They just kept coming! I decided to route them from the underground installation. We faced a heavy fight.

Then there was Old Lord Nyax himself. Crap. We woke in a nearby cloner. DAMN! Ok... we were definately not ready for that. Kark! Maybe I am not back up to snuff for fighting. Maybe I have been away from it for too long. Maybe... maybe I should be trying to do this? Max could have died for my foolishness. I could have too. Then who would look after Meela. *anxiety* I so sucked at that fight. Dammit. What if I can't protect the things that are dear to me?

I tried to distract myself by sorting my packs. Max bought me a good warhammer to work with and passed me some creds to keep me going. I had collected some interesting things from Nyax's followers and some serious junk. My mind swam a bit from the frustration of that fight. Max healed me and then took me to the cantina for a drink. This is going to bother me for some time. *grumble*

I need better training.

The Force is Everything...

I prayed... almost without hope. I cast my wishes to the winds to join with the Force. I begged of the gods. I had no idea they were already at work. I had no idea the Force was already in motion. I should not forget... that the Force is everything... and balance is its goal.

Max contacted me today.

He is working on medic training. He hasn't done this in ages.

I was out on Tattooine. I decided to go back and see my first haunts... to try to find myself again. It was a bit strange. So much has changed. Alliance personnel guard the city of Mos Eisley. I passed one as I parked my sorosuub. I walked into the med centre. It smelled the same. It smelled like every other med centre... with the exception of the Tattooine dust scent overlaying everyone's clothing.

I walked past the bazaars and into the cantine. I touched the chair I sat in the first day I arrived and met Jakob... while I waited for Blimey. Blimey... I still wonder what has become of him. He seems to have evaporated like a ghost. Sometimes I wonder if that is all he was. I stood for a while in the spot where Brem danced and talked with me all night. *sad smile* I watched some of the dancers, listened to the idle talk, and looked up people's bios. Something I used to do. And one of the reasons the Alliance hired me. I watch and listen... alot. And no one every really notices me. Just another anti-social drifter. A hunter hoping for some training or a decent contract.

I hiked out to where I used to have a house with a vendor. There is a new house with vendors inside on that very same spot now. Nexus Mall. I looked back over the hill towards Mos Eisley again as the wind tossed up some sand. It feels almost like ages and ages ago. But it hasn't even been a year. There are still 4 months to the one year mark of my initial freedom. Strange. I wish I could take this journey with Max. But instead I hiked back to Mos Eisley and started training with my VK against some of the Desert Demon gang members. Venting some pent up frustration and energy, practicing focus and strikes... training. Deomo would have been proud. Max would have watched as though I was dancing. It feels like dancing.

I was startled me from my focused fight. I founda med that gives a bonus for pistoleers and contacted Maxell. He said something shocking... that... he would likely never be picking up a pistol again. *!!!* He has noticed something... wrong... wrong with himself, for himslef. When did this happen? I stood stunned so long that a Desert Demon knocked me down.

Gods! Thank you! I cleaned up the gang members and dashed back to my ship. Max and I will meet at his and Avios' new hall, the one with the plants Max has been growing. At last! I met a rebel friend of Max's and led him to get placed on leave as he was retirning. It was a quick drive to Wanders End's small base and back.

I then got to just sit... sit on a blue rub and talk with Max. Talk. Hug. Embrace warmly. We are not sure if avoiding the gunfighting will help, but it seems to so far. Who knows what the future will bring. He will help me to cleanse the temple later today. I won't have to do it alone.

I whispered my feelings to Maxell. *I love you*

Ebe also met us. But I was growing exhausted. I am so out of shape. I headed to the tample and curled up in the indoor camp that Max has created for me. And I slept... well... for the first time in a long time. The nightmares were even quiet for a rare change. They usually disturb my sleep without me able to remember much of them. But this time... I slept well. And Max's scent drifted in with him.... *peaceful*

Touching Meela... Remembering Loss

This afternoon, Avios and Dr. Narheen brought Meela out of the incubation/clone unit thing. OUT!! Out so I can touch her! She was still connected to tubes and wires, but she took a breath and shrieked load enough to scare the crap out of the big cat Maxell left to keep up company. *grin* Avios wrapped her in a blanket and Dr. Narheen gave her a medical exam. Then... then I got to touch her... hold her... feel her soft skin, kiss her tiny fingers and toes. She has gown faster than I expected, 4 months ahead of regualr growth rate and is newborn sized now when she technically should be this for another 3 months. I didn't care. I was holding my beautiful daughter. She was feisty and strong, gripping my thumb. I could feel her searching with her other senses for Deomo, her daddy. *pang* He will regret missing this moment.

I asked about the tubes and wires. She needs then because while some of her is very developed, other more internal parts of her are still growing. Electrodes will also be transfering knowledge and stimilating responses from her mind and body as she continues to develop in the incubation fluids.

Meela. I got to hold her. I got to touch her. *contentment*

Dr. Narheen concluded with ehr examination of Meela and assessment. I don't think I heard much of it. I was too busy looking into Meela's pale blue-green unseeing eyes. I wonder if they will stay that colour? Avios readjusted the BE fluid and the incubation unit with the new information from the medical assessment. I did not want to give Meela up to go back into that machine... but I had to, for her life and safety. *sigh* I watched as Avios held her a moment and he smiled. Something niggled its way into my mind... but not clear enough for me to grasp it. Then he unwrapped her and, careful of the tubing and wires, placed her again into the unit's BE fluids. She fussed and struggled. *shhh.... hush baby... I am here... it will be alright* Deomo... please be safe. I want you here the next time she comes out. She needs you here the next time she comes out. I reached up and pressed my hand to the unit's warm glass surface, reached with my spirit to try to sooth Meela.

Avios put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. He looks so much more grown up now... so much... gods... that niggles thought... yes. He looks so much like his father, so much like Maxell. And he has been doing some battle training, but I know not what for. Wow... so like Maxell... The hair, the eyes... those deep blue eyes... and that soft smile that is so reassuring and gentle... no matter the harshness around. *pang* I had to swallow hard and step from the room.

Max.... .... ....

Max. Where are you? What is wrong with you?

I walked up the stairs to the balcony and looked out across the Dantooine landscape and the sky was darkening to night... with no moon yet showing. Remembering. Remember when Maxell carried me out here and sat with me watching the stars. My knees grew suddenly weak and I sank to the ground. My hands still gripping the railing till my knuckes went white. My chest tightened. My throat closed. I swallowed hard again and pressed my brow to the balcony posts. I could not stop the tears that came....

Gods... please...
please...
help Max...
help me to help Max...

Please...

Bring my love back to me whole...

please.... .... ....

Uncertainly Alone

Everyday I have been spending some time with Meela and meditating and reviewing my training, both spiritual and physical. I am almost back up to par for getting back into the swing of hunting and temple duties.

I have not heard from Max all week. *worried*

Ebe contacted me and let me know that someone named Tempestia wants to see me. Why does that name see, familiar? Oh yeah! She is an old friend of Maxell's... her name was on his contacts list. Damn. Did he have a wierdness episode on her too?
What makes him flip to bloodthirsty? And what makes him flip back? Why? What is going on? How can I help?

Sunday, the new crescent moon crests the horizon... I will do a temple cleansing... alone I guess...

*feeling alone and a bit lost without Max*

Meela feels alone too. I remind her often that Daddy still loves her and will be back as soon as he can. Deomo... come back soon. Meela needs you.

Max...

come back to me soon...

I need you....

Talking with Ebe

I tagged Ebe on my way to see Meela this evening. Ebe and I have to talk about Maxell. She is as worried as I am. We will meet up on Corellia in a little while.

Meela is so beautiful. I can see her moving her fingers and toes, stretching her small legs. Dr. Narheen says Meela will have to come out of the unit soon for a short recallibration. She has grown so fast. She is almost newborn sized already. I wish Deomo could be here to see. I have a terrible feeling he won't be though.

Ebe and I met near the BeachFront Mall just outside Coronet. OMGs has Coronet changed!!! There is not this huge huge city growing up around Coronet... full of merchants. It reminds me of Merchant Town on the Corellia of the Corbantic dimension... way way back when I first met up with Blimey. I miss him sometimes. I hope he is doing well. Anyways, I checked out the mall while I waited for Ebe to arrive. It is quite amazing! I will have to show Max this!! It has palm fronds! And Meditaion pillows!! I have been looking for palm fronds for a long time. WOW! ouch... Palm fronds cost one million credits! I guess I will just keep lookiing.

Max. I set up a camp on the beach near the mall. I called Koownye to play with me. Koownye. *smile* I remember when Max gave her to me. It was after a party, just after I changed back into hunting clothes. Koownye... Cuimhnigh... remember... to remember that I can always trust him. I let her chase after some local rodants and vermin while I sat in camp.

Ebe finally met up with me. It was good to talk to a new face, a friendly face. She is a wonderful woman... and a good friend. We both care deeply for Max... (she was once his wife... and is the father of his first child). We discussed the strangeness of his recent behavior. But we decided to let things go for now... give him some time and space. We also thought it mught be good to watch over him too... and give him opportunities to release the feral more productively. She will try to be with him when he does his Imperial mission. I will hunt with him... if he will. I hope he does. I need to release too... and need to hunt.

We parted ways as the sun set and I spent the remainder of the evening listening to the waves on the beach from my camp. *peaceful*