Ought to throw myself to a Sarlaac

Yup, that is how I feel.

I was meditating. Well chewing on the words of Aico, uncertain waht it all meant. Max? Abusing our bond? No way!!! Deomo... me having a bond with Deomo more than just the Feral... hard to believe... tai'shan is with only one. Right? Doubts. Trust?!? I am so confused and frustrated. So much for meditating! DAMN... Aico pissed me off. GRRRRrrrr.

And then the feral called me to Dathomir... Maxell... I met up with him. He has such control over the feral within him... I wish I had that control. Maybe one day. I seem to always be struggling with it.

Then the feral called again! To Dantooine. To Deomo. I was pulled again... but differently. Deomo was hurt. Maxell and I traveled out to meet him and Maxell healed him while I battled the beasts attacking him. He was upset and felt betrayed. I was confused! Maxell and he had been spatting earlier about rites of passage. Now this. Now I am lost. What the Kark is going on?

Then Max gave us some space so Deomo and I could talk. Get things sorted out a bit. Did I? I don't know. I was diseased and barely remember what we spoke about. When the conversation got uncomfortable, I changed the subject and asked him about his pendant. I remembered how Blimey had always worn his because it was his mother's. I wear the one Max gave me. When I touched Deomo's pendant... FLASH! I was hit with a series of images and sounds...

~~~
FLASH! A small home, simply furnished. A dark Zabrak man placing the pendant on a boys neck, concern in the man's eyes.
FLASH! "Never take this off. Remember. Trust."
FLASH! The a tall cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows.
FLASH! Silver blades and blue electricity flashed.
FLASH! Mixed with the sights and sounds of blood, flesh and bone.
FLASH! The boy stood in shock. The scene a horror before his eyes.
FLASH! The stranger stepped toward the boy.
*A whisper from deep within me said Shadow Ancestor.*
~~~

It was horrible. It was like one of my childhood nightmare! I was so plagued by them when i was little till I learned to centre and ground myself... and shield my abilities. My father used to hum softly to me to chase them away. The nightmares returned when i started hearin gthe whispers again a few months ago. And Brem had made a bantha nightmare ward for me. *smile* They eased after I managed a sense of calm. And recently they started returning, but I cannot remember them. This scene I remember seeing when I was small. A series of images. I am not even sure if they string together chronologically. They wiped me out. Blasted away my shields and my strength. The desease I caught from the beasts attacking Deomo hit hard and I dropped to the floor. Max rushed in shortly after and began healing me.

We spoke a little about the rites as they may help Deomo find the truth of his past and this pendent. Then Max spoke of other truths to find out through the rites. Deomo spoke of risks. But no one was telling me what these rite are exactly. I deserved to know! I was to go through it! Max just asked me to trust him. Deomo insisted Max explain the risks. That is when I found out that Kimbrya had tested Deomo's blood to find he has a near bio-chem match for tai'shan with me. WHAT?!? My head spun. I tried to show strength and that it could be ok to have two tai'shan... not that I really understood. My mother was polyamorous with a tai'sham and several lovers. So why not two tai'shan? But it didn't make sense. And then Aico's words came to mind again. And I could sense that Aico had laid similar doubts in Max's mind and Deomo's. And that this small fact only fed those doubts.

Maxell was exhausted and went downstairs to sleep. I wanted so badly to curl up with him. To cry for the torment I am sure he must feel. To cry for the torment I seem to be constantly thrown into. I spoke with Deomo a bit more then he went to the roof, for some air. I felt I needed air too. But I gave him his distance. He ... had alot on his mind. I just stood on the other side of the roof looking over the hills and water, mulling over all that has gone on in my head.

Why me?!
Why can't i just be normal!?
No gifts.
No feral.
No callings.
No nightmares.
No ... no....
Just ... NORMAL!

I struggled hard not to cry. I was Zabrak and this was weakness! Deomo came over to me and said that I don't have to be strong all the time. He took my hand and put his other on my shoulder. His gentle touch made the battle against my tears impossible. The streaked down my cheeks. He pulled me close and I wept. I wept till it rained on us. He reassured me I will be fine in the rites, and that I needed them. Part of me so wanted to stay in his embrace. Part of me wanted to climb under the covers and hid in Max's sleeping embrace. Part of me just wanted to run away... afraid of the closeness. Max, when he touches me, senses deep into my soul past all my barriers. It was... nice ... in Deomo's arms... not having my soul known. Is that why my mother had lovers? I curled up on the blue carpet of the blue meditation room. Deomo sat with me, as Brem used to, just watching over me.