Harsh words: December 31, xxx4

After learning some trance techniques from Kimbrya and discussing with her how to proceed with Deomo's emotional/spiritual challenge...I needed to talk with Maxell. Things and choices in the tai'shan bond(s) may... will change... I am afraid. I think as afraid as Max was before my challenge. I will need to forge a bond with Deomo... open to and connect with the tai'shan bond there... how will it effect my bond with Maxell? I am to lead Deomo back... back to the time of his father's death... to see the truth of what happened there. Did he kill his father or not? I could just do a visioning... "see" and then describe it to him... but he may not really believe what I see. So I must pull him in to see if for himself. He trusts me... but not enough to just take my word on something like this. But to pull him in... I will have to connect with him via that tai'shan bond... accept it, open up to it... forge it. I dread. I worry. I will forever be torn then, more so than I am... between two men I care about... who deeply hate each other. I promised Deomo... that i would never give up on him. I promised my soul to Maxell *even if i have not spoken thus aloud to him*. Need calls me to do this. But can Max handle it? I will need his strength, balance and support. Can I handle it?

We traveled out to Naboo to a nice wooded area and I set up camp... and we talked. I explained what I was going to do. That I was going to have to reach for the tai'shan bond with Deomo and actively connect with it... and that... I am not sure of the future events from this action. Max was... upset... understandably so... hurt, upset... I then had Aico's words driven home. I suddenly was reminded how Max was trained in psychology and information intelligence... and knows how to say the right, or wrong thing when necessary. (not that it works with Deomo... but it sure did here) He didn't understand my reasoning for this act I was about to engage in with Deomo. His emotions got in the way. And, not realizing, pulled his support out from under me and cut me with harsh words... true words, making them harsher...

How could I?! How could I possible have feelings for a man as cruel and dangerous as Deomo? Look at what he has done... the murders, the tortures... wild and willing with the feral... a dog sent by the Imperials do wreaks havoc and destruction. A man who has been thrilled buy his work.... I man who had enjoyed torturing the tai'shan of my dearest friend... so badly she miscarried her child. The man who executed her and stood watch over her preventing the clone bots from claiming her body. How could I possible want... like... have affection and care for such a man. I don't know.

I could not answer him. How could I in the face of such evidence? How could I explain that Deomo... is not... with me... he is... dammit! The feral and Imperial orders.... Deomo isn't like that inside. But... Oh how Max's words, charged with his pain and animosity, cut right through me.

He chose his words well... to cut the deepest. How could I possibly accept being tai'shan to such a man... and willingly join that bond when Max is here, tai'shan ans bonded to me already. He was worried, felt threatened... there was some sort of concern underlying it all. But I could not figure it out. I did not know what to say to him. I did not CHOOSE to have a second tai'shan. I DIDN't CHOOSE THIS... ANY OF THIS!! I can't explain it. Max was hurting from the thought hiding in his mind. I could not justify this attraction. Max, in his pain raged silently. I felt that. He raged... his hatred lancing our frail bond.

I could not stand it any longer.Max's intensity of emotion along the openness of our bond. I... needed space... escape... to get away it. *dizzy* I have not learned to use my empathy to block what was hitting me. Instead I reached... I reached and summoned the feral. I tensed. I ran. Ran as fast as I could push myself. Abandoning the camp. I ran. The directin didn't matter. I ran blindly. Through the woods. Over the hills. I never noticed Max's hunting cat keeping pace with me. I ran. *pained* I ran... from Max. Tried to flee from his hatred, his pained emotions, his very presense... almost wanting to flee from our tai'shan bond... but that was impossible.

I ran far and fast. Then *WHAM!* Something hit me out of nowhere. Knocked the wind from me. I hit the ground gasping for air. I stood to run again... or fight. *WHAM!!!* The pike struck me in the head. Karking Mauler gang members! The hit was so hard that I lost my senses. Blacked out. For how long? How long fof I lie in the grass unconscious? The quick of the hunting cats heart was close by my ear. Somewhere in the calming darkness I could hear it. I light breeze kissed my face. The grass was cool. Where? Where am I? What... happened? A speeder zoomed by. *silence and darkness* Then the pain in my head throbbed. Aware again... barely. The pike clashed against something. A gurrcat snarled. A shot was fired. *darkness*

..... ...... ......

I drifted... floating...

"Never strike her!" I hearn Max's voice in the distance. More shots were fired.

I opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. *dazed* I tried to reach the feral... but just couldn't. Close my eyes again. Welcoming the darkness... the silence... the peace.

The grass was cool. the breeze gentle. The warnth of the hunting cat was comforting. I breathed easy. The pain still there, but not blindning me. I still could move. My body just would not obey me.

*tai'shan?* Max called hesitantly.

I wanted to burst into tears. (but i didn't)

Why must we be hurt so? The gods... Whay have they done this to us... all of us?

Max kneeled beside me. His hand touchong my face gently, inspecting the blackening bruise there... concern in his eyes. He tended my wounds while I still lay there, unable to move. I could not summon up enough orientation to move. He helped me to sit up. Embraced me.... He no longer had words. He could no more bear my wanting to leave him than I could bear surviving without him.

*acceptance*