Letter to Ebe about Deomo

I have still not been able to reach Deomo. I am growing concerned. Max and Avios are busy here with me and Dr. Narheen. And if he is really lost on Endor... EBE! Yes, she found him before. She can find him again. I hope she would do this. I will understand if she does not.

~~~Letter to Ebe~~~
Hi, Ebe...
I need a Ranger Request. Deomo has been lost on Endor. He had a bad battle with the spirit in his pendant. I know you don't quite understand that. But some Dark Force entity has been trying to take him over... it wiped some of his memory. I need someone to go find him. Take care, if that dark force is pushing to control him he could be dangerous with a double-dot antique pike in his hand. He went there with only that weapon and no gear. Please see him safe over the weekend. I am resting in a private hospital facility that Avios build. Reassure Deomo that Meela is safe and I am well. Max is with me.
Thank you
Scar'let
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still weak

I lost alot of blood. I hope someone cleaned it off the temple floor. I don't want to scare anyone entering the temple.

I am weak, but more alert. I still feel like a pin cushion. I have been getting stims to boost bloodcell replication. I sat up in bed today while Avios and Dr. Narheen explained the incubation system to me. I don't think I digested it all just yet and will ask for another explanation later.

A hand reached over to brush my cheek. "Feel like sitting on the balcony?" *smile* I think Avios was upset with his father exerting himself. But Max carefully wrapped the blanet about me and carried me up the many stairs to the balcony. There I sat in his lap with my head on his shoulder, watching the sky darken with the sunset. It was peaceful. Meela was comfortable too.

So, Deomo was well. But I still could not reach him. I wanted him here. I will try to reach him again tonight.

For the moment, Max is my foundation and my strength. *purr*

Closely Monitored

The past few days are hazy. I understand now that I had way over extended my reserves struggling with that pendant and and dropped into a hemmoraging miscarry. Max rushed me here... to the Facility in Avios' home near the temple. I don't know how he managed that. He was as wiped by that evil spirit as I was... or more so as it focused on him and struck at him twice.

Dr. Narheen. That is the name of the specialist. She is a severe Zabrak woman with dark eyes, and pale bluish hair with small horns like I have. Her expression is always neutral. She does this, cares for me like it is a duty. Her focus is on what must be done to save me and Meela. She never softens her expression. At least she is very good at what she does. Meela is remarkably still within me.

Avios has been doing much of the care for me. He has a gentleness like his father. He is tired too, I can see it. He is going back and forth caring for me and for Maxell. Avios and Dr. Nahreen have taken several samples from me: blood, urine, amniotic fluid. They are working on callibrating the incubation unit to the ideal conditions for Meela.

*Max?*

Whenever I stir, by the time I open my eyes, Max is there beside me. *weak smile* He has not left my side... much like Deomo the last time I was in hospital. If I started to feel any pain, he would so very gently place his warm hand over my belly and rub slowly, soothing the tension. This time I am not under any sedation. I am getting stim shots of a med to reduce the contractions, instead of the medication. I feel like a pin cusshion. Max has help me eat and sit. He has sponge bathed me. I feel a bit rediculous, but I just can't move around much. He pauses often to just look into my eyes with his dark blue ones. I see both sadness and worry in them. He tries to hold these feelings from trickling along the bond. He smiles and kisses my brow. I am in good hands here.

I asked if he was able to reach Deomo. But there has been no response. Meela's energy has not been upset in anyway and I can sense her content with her connection to her father. Sometimes I can feel him humming. So I know he is not dead or lost from us forever.

This evening, while I had some more energy, Maxell carried me over to sit in his lap on a chair in front of the uncubation unit. Just so I can look at it... and get used to it. Avios knelt beside us and quietly started to explain how it worked. Max held out a hand and stopped him. Thank you Max. I was not ready to hear details. I just wanted to look at it. Meela will be placed in it. And will grow in it. Will I be well enough to handle everything or return to training and duty once she is there.

Will Max and I go through this when we have a child?

Chaos on the Bond

I... stirred... confused.
*Max?*
Whare... am... I?
*Deomo?*
What... happened?

I heard the sounds of monitoring instruments and consoles. Itried to sit up to look around.
*PAIN*
I gentle hand held me down. The scent was familiar... Avios. Avios? The lighting was dim.
*MEELA!!*
She was fine... nestled in my womb.
*relief*
I felt weak... tired.

"You lost alot of blood Scar'let. Dad... Maxell... is here, in the chair resting. You are ok."

I looked over, Max was there. I drifted again... and dreamed... remembered. A nightmare. Real.

-----
I called to Deomo on the comm and along the frail bond. He was confused. Like he did not really know me, or that he had a daughter. *Karking spirit in his pendant struck and wiped his memory... again... GRRR* I called to Max to lend me the strength to reach Deomo. Meela reached out to him to with such excitement. It startled Deomo... and that in turn confused Meela. I summoned what I could. I tried to get Deomo to recall things. Finally I ran out of ways to jog his memory with words. I... *i am sorry* ... i did a dishonorable thing. I pushed myself along the bond to Deomo and let seep some of my empathy... forced into his mind all the memories I have. Just as he was beginning to recal... the spirit rose. I ... oh gods... i did not have the strength... and Meela was heading for it! I gathered her up struggling and passed her to Maxell. I called to Deomo. But the pendant was there laughing. Meela cried for her daddy. Max brought her close to Deomo and the pendant raged. Meela was startled. That was NOT her daddy. I took her from Max as it focused on him i pulled hard on his strength to keep me standing in this. But the spirit neither struck me, nor Meela, nor... Deomo. It struck Max! For a moment I could hardly feel him. The spirit then aimed to take hold of Deomo. Meela struggled in my spiritual hold. The feral and the Force rising in her like ... like... raging rancor bull. She escaped me. Fury in her at this thing trying to take her daddy from her. She drew on my strength and sapped me. Max was not there to help me. *!!* She pounded the spirit with raw force... power... and the incomprehension of a child's mind. I could sense Deomo connecting with her, regaining his sense of self. Max surged a moment along my bond and reached out to protect Meela. Where had not the strength... but the spirit struck him again and he collapsed. Meela raged harder at the spirit ... pounding and blasting it with raw feral energy.... The spirit relinwuished its hold. She then came back to cling to me as Deomo whispered along the bond before he too blacked out.

Pain. Searing waves of pain went through me.
And then stopped.
I lay on the temple floor.
Dizzy.
Tired.
Wet? But it was warm...
So... tired......
The scent of blood... my blood...
but I was so... tired....
*SCAR'LET!!*
*darkness*

-----
I... stirred... confused.
*Max?*
Whare... am... I?
*Deomo?*
What... happened?

I heard the sounds of monitoring instruments and consoles. Itried to sit up to look around.
*PAIN*
I gentle hand held me down. The scent was familiar... Avios. Avios? The lighting was dim.
*MEELA!!*
She was fine... nestled in my womb.
*relief*
I felt weak... tired.

"You lost alot of blood Scar'let. Dad... Maxell... is here, in the chair resting. You are ok."

I looked over, Max was there. I drifted again... and dreamed... remembered.
A nightmare.
Real.

*darkness*

Caught off guard

I lay in a quiet corner. The pain was bad. I guess it was better than it could have been. I have been taking the meds as directed. But... I am still cramping with twinges and some blood. I know I do not have much time. Meela does not have much time. *worry* Soon... very soon... She will be removed from me and placed into incubation.

I summoned up some reserve strength and headed out of the temple. I have to see it. I have to see the incubation facility. See it for myself, on my own terms. I walked past someone, but never noted who as I mounted my swoop and sped to Avios' house where the lab was. A squad of stormtroopers tried to stop me along the way, but i plowed right through them and went into the safety of he house. I marched past a startled guard. *who is HE? and what is he doing here... a... Trandoshan?!?* I walked down the stairs into the basement. I walked partway into the room... and stopped. A Zabrak woman turned to face me. I froze. She was a doctor. I stood stunned. I looked at the incubation unit... then her. I was not prepared at all for anyone being there. I though the place was empty. I could not move.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I spun to face him. Avios. He took a few steps back. Why are so many people here? I just want to see this alone!!! My breath came short and fast. I felt... numb. I stepped out of the room and leaned on the wall a moment. My thoughts reeled. Flight took me. I bolted up the stairs... out the door... to the temple. On the temple roof, I collapsed against the wall on my knees, wracked by sobs.

*I have to pull myself together. I have to be focused and help Deomo.*

Brem walked softly across the roof and knelt down beside me. I turned. I quietly put his arms around me and let me cry on his shoulder. Oh how our roles are changed. Nw he supports and comforts me. He is a dear dear friend. He wiped my tears and comforted me. He has confidence that all will turn out fine. It felt wonderful for someone, anyone to say that... that it will be ... ok.

We sat and talked a bit to help calm me. He told me of his training and new professions. How he gave up pikeman certification and regretted it. But also how he loves his job as a tailor. It is wonderful to see him so happy. He found a guild hall and placed it on Dantooine. He just can't agree on a name. He described what he wanted his guild to be like. It sounded like... Muintir... family. I suggested that to him as a name.

I felt much better after talking with Brem.

I resolved to ask to see the facility alone later. But right now, I need to contact Deomo and see if I can get him trained. We are running out of time.

Then, then I will see the specialist.

Fitful Dreaming?

I woke today held tight in Maxell's arms in our bedroom. He was shifting and tense and murmuring the word duty like a curse. *??* What was he dreaming? What happened to him on his mission?

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair to soothe him. he rolled a little and nuzzled into my neck.

Oh Max. One day... one day... we will have our own life... with duties of out choosing. I kissed his brow and drifted back for some more sleep.

Empathic Shields

Max tried hard to teach me to work with my empathy. But I just don't dare to be off balance this close to when Deomo fights that spirit and this close to losing Meela. He poked and prodded and the slightly cracked shields I have in place around my empathic abilities.

Then he had an idea.

I called to Meela and showed her the shield and the cracks. She was curious but she just did not understand. max tried and tried to explain to her that she needs to hide behind that shield when I tell her. But she just did not understand. She just has no fear of things. And she is just too young to comprehend. I think Max was mildly frustrated that he could not figure out how to get her to understand. He has never tried to communicate with someone so young. When he showed her how to find Deomo along the bond, she went to Deomo willingly. But showing her the walls and cracks ... she had no incentive to go further.

In the end, Max built an emapthic wall himself around her and I. A wall with doors in it... to Deomo, to Kayon, to the Otherness (not that I think he could block the divine essence of the Force anyways) and explained to me that I have the key and can take these walls down at my choosing. We hope it will be able to help... when the time comes.

Max is home

I discovered that Ebe had placed a TK poster in the ritual room. THANK YOU EBE!! It looks great. Now... if I can find feathers.... it would be perfect.

I turned around to discover Max coming into the temple. MAX!! *excited, relieved* I felt like I had been starved of him! He embraced me along the bond and in his warm real arms. It felt good to hear his heart beating and to inhale the fresh scent of him... to bury my face in his shoulder. *comforted*

I updated him... on the doctor meeting I had this week... on the talks with Deomo... on the hard planning to take Deomo out if he loses to that spirit.

Max brought me over to Avios' house near the temple. That is where the incubation facility will be... and where the specialist will be. Avios will be helping her. I know it ... has ... to be this way. I know I cannot carry her to term. Meela. But... it still... it still feels like I am losing her. She will not be... inside me. I touched the glass side of the incubation unit where she will be. I just could not stand in here much longer. Max took me back to the temple.

Both... gone?

Great. Fate is dead set against us this week.

Max is STILL away on his mission and now Deomo has been sent off on a long mission.

Gods. I pray he can manage. I pray that all the gods and ancestors look out for him and that the Force protects him from that wretched spirit in his pendant.

They are both ... gone...
Gods... what now?

Battle Plans

Deomo still has yet to fight and defeat the pendant. It gets harder and harder each day. It draws on the power of the Dark Side of the Force. It now radiates with it. Deomo is always tired. Too tired to learn the next step in the training I have to teach him. ANd now we know for sure... the spirit in the pendant WILL try to kill Meela... to get to Deomo.

That was too close a call... for everyone. And with Max so far away... I could only call upon him enough to keep me alive. I need Max here... for his strength and stability.

I explained to Deomo what Max said he would try to do IF the spirit of the pendant defeated Deomo. Deomo agreed. It is what he wants... to protect Meela.

He then drew me inside as the rain began. He sat me down for a serious discussion ... a discussion about how to kill him. *!!!???!!!* He... he ... made me promise... that if he loses against the spirit in the pendant... that... that by whatever means possible we are to cut the bonds to me and Meela... and... kill him. I did not like this discussion. I ... know it is necessary. But... it is a horrible thing to discuss your own demise. He said I needed to know... because if he loses... and the spirit takes him over... he will likely try to kill me and Meela and others... and likely use his fathers pike to do it. That old weapon has mind damaging poisons. He helped me pick people that could take him down. I was worrying about how to lead this... i am so not the combat leader. I barely consider the activities of rescuing Max as a form of leadership. That was ... luck... or a miracle. This... I didn't think I could. He said I didn't have to. Max is a good leader and will manage well. This was still very depressing to plan. Necessary... but depressing. Deomo did not want to take ANY chance that harm could come to Meela. So be it.

He still needs to learn the last techniques and soon.
I still need Max's help to teach him.

We were both too tired to do anything at the moment.

Gods... where is Max? His mission is taking so very long.

Reconciling... Accepting...Planning for Fate

Sound... feeling... voices... seemed so far away. MEELA!! *panic* I reached for her. She was... fine. Asleep. *relief* I could not stop shaking and shivering. Deomo's voice, tired and weak, spoke to me, called my name. With shaking hends he pulled me up from the floor and into his lap. He held me tight. Slowly, very slowly balance was returning. The world stopped spinning. Air... it was becoming easier to breathe. I shivered in his arms for a bit.

After a few hours, we talked. He was listeing now. I told him about Max's plans... if the specialist says I even qualify for safely transplanting Meela into incubation. Deomo swore that if she could not save Meela somehow... that he would kill her. I hope Max has enough time to build the facility for this incubation thing. I only have a week. Meela only has a week.

I pray... pray that is enough time....

So Strikes an Angst Spirit

The spirit in the pendant took this moment of "weakness" to strike. It rose in a wave of energy from Deomo...

And Meela... gods... Meela reach for it curiously along the bond.

NOOO!!!

It called to her.

Deomo struggled. I struggled... torn between helping Deomo and protecting Meela. I could not do both. I... could not shield Meela. I tried. GODS! I wished I had nopt turned Max's offer down. Some time ago he offered to teach me how to properly use and shield with my empathy and I refused. Oh gods... I regretted that refusal now. The spirit charged across the bond to smash my dismal shields and then try to coax Meela out across the bond. If it killed her, Deomo was all his. Meela did not understand. It felt like daddy and not at the same time. She wanted to be there.

NOOOOOoooooOOo!!!

I dropped into meditation to conserve my strength and try to pull Meela back. Deomo... in a desperate attempt to keep the spirit from Meela ripped the pendant off. It's energy is so tied to his lifeforce though... I felt him drop as the pendant slipped from his grip to roll across the the roof a few inches. I heard his breathing and his heartbeat slowing... and slowing... *what do I do?*

I shifted into focus and summoned. I called on the Otherness that used to take me before to help Deomo. I felt the Force flow into me, surge around me. It wrapped around Meela and then forced my hand to pick up the pendant and retie it about Deomo's neck. It burned up the little energy I had conserved. I remember little else for a long time... darkness... shivering...

Sad News for Deomo

I hopped from Moenia to Theed and went to the library. I looked up information on funerary services of humans... as a way to distract myself. Kimbrya...

Deomo was still busy. When he was finally free he excitedly called me to see the new house he erected in place of the large generic one. He met me in Kintan and took me to the new house on the island. WOW! It looked like a castle!! It was huge... with so many rooms... ugh... and so many stairs. It was hard on me to look around and I had to pause frequently. Deomo walked worriedly beside me. It even has a roof and an outside bridge.

I want a Naboo Temple... like this....

At the entrance, Deomo placed a white trooper iniform and a black trooper uniform. "Light... and Dark... together as One... balanced." *smile* I relaxed a bit on the big staircase while I watched Deomo place some furniture. I was feeling some tension... but not a twinge. My mind was more distracted with worrying about how to deal with and to explain to Deomo this new reality about Meela. He paused in his pushing of a sofa and looked at me. Then he sat next to me and asked me what is so strongly on my mind.

I told him. ... ... that I will lose Meela... if I do not abort her.

He reacted as I thought he would. Shocked. Devastated. Denying. Angry. He bolted for the balcony roof and raged and cried there. He did not want to lose Meela. I tried to explain that Max might have a way to save her... with this specialist... if I qualify. He was not hearing me. He was a ball of painful emotions. He could not even stand. All his defenses crashed down.

Losing Meela is now Reality

I woke mildly cramped... and lightly bleeding. This is SOOOO not good. I shouldn't bleed while pregnant. Should not. It wasn't much... but enough to scare me. I reached to sense Meela. She seemed fine. I need to see a doc.

I walked into the temple office to look through the database and see if max left any doc contacts. There was none. As I was there I received a comm from (Rebel) Alliance command. I was called in for a mission. MISSION!!!??? Are you karking nuts!!!??? *sigh* I have to sort this out.

I left immediately for the Rebel base near Wanders End. I could see a doc there while I am at it. I will also REFUSE my mission. But I have good reason dammit. They just need to be properly informed. I pulled on the new red and charcoal padded armor that Deomo got me. Wow... it looks so good... and is REAL comfortable. Much better that the composite armor!! I masked my scent... don't nee the karking dogs chasing me. Took up my sword.. Called up my swoop. Then i sped across the plains of Dantooine to Wanders End.

As I passed over a lake I spotted a factory... Onion Enterprise... BLIMEY! *i miss him* But I kept going. The base was just over the... gone? **!!!???* What? Where... where did it go? KARK. I don't know where there is another base. Dammit. Where is an egent? I contacted command and asked for an agent location. Moenia, Naboo. *sigh* I headed back to Wanders End. I stopped by Blimey's to see if he was at his workshop. Most of the shiprwrite stuff was gone, as was the vendor. He just had his doctors supplies there. As I coasted into Wanders End... there were... changes. It looked ... different. There was even a shuttle port. Well... handy. I grabbed a shuttle to Agro Starport. My luck! No pirates! Boarded my ship to Moenia without incident.

*cramp* I had to sit and rest a moment. *reached and cradled Meela*

When I was ok... I headed out. As I stepped out of the starport, I was mugged... sorta... by a Skaak Tipper gang member. He tasted my blade. Oh... well... i bypassed his mouth and sent it right through his stomach... so maybe he didn't actually "taste" my blade. I had to fight several others on my way to the agent. Damn! The vermin are out of full grouping today!

Inside the building, I sat to rest again and sift through my packs fro a datadisk i managed to decode the other day. My hands shook. I took a few slow deep breaths. I know I am worrying and stressing. *Meela* I hope the agent can direct me to a trusted doc. I then went over to the agent. The datadisk proved to be valuable. Good. I am glad they could use it.

My orders were to head undercover into a very busy location and listen for information. But it was a heavily Imperial monitored location. There are things moving and changing in the GCW (Galactic Civil War). I refused the mission. And explained why to the shocked officer. He was then even more shocked... and concerned. He directed me to a doctor in the med centre. Tjis was a quality Rebel doc... one of the ones who had helped Kimbrya. Good. I headed there right away.

*anxiety*

I had a full examination. I ... did not like it. I was VERY uncomfortable. But I NEEDED to see with my own eyes. *devastated* I saw the resulting tests... and the ultrasounds... and the news was.... was.... what I expected... and worse. They confirmed everything Deomo mentioned as possible, only as a definite. They confirmed everything Max said... and gave me a time limit. The doctor files papers for me and sent them off to declare me on official leave of absence. They asked me to sit and rest. I must have looked very shocky. I was kinda shocked. It is one thing to consider this a possibility. It is a whole other thing to know it is inevitable! I was given some meds to reduce the contractions and hopefully delay things as long as possible.

I should have miscarried Meela a long time ago. But the healing i got from Kayon delayed thay. I am not likely to carry her past the end of the week. *shock* They asked me to consider abortion *NO!* as I will likely hemorrage and die if I miscarry her at this point. *anxiety* I need to talk to Deomo... and Max. I will not lose her. Deomo will never agree to an abortion. Nor will I. Will Max be able to get that facility up in time? *worry* Do I have enough time? Does Meela?

I need to see that specialist. Gods... when is Max getting back?

Bad Day... Ohhhhhh so bad....

I woke and was sick... soooo sick.
It was as if I ate fish!

Meela does not like eggs.

I have been sick and cramped all day. Cranky too... so I am kinda glad no one was around. Although... someone to rub my back would be much appreciated...

:(

Too sick to move... just commed all evening

Hehe... that was a pun!

I woke ill and cramped and nauseous... and disoriented. Max must have carried me back down to our bed. I felt unpleasant... but not as bad as before. I must have passed out on Max. The conversation came flooding back suddenly. *frown* Ok... it is a crisis... but I can hold out a few days while we sort it out. Max doesn't have the facility built yet. So I have to take it easy till then. The specialist will see me... when? I thought Max told me. I checked my datapad for the agenda and noticed a note from Max. He was called away on a mission and was hoping to get the facility ready for shortly after Sunday. He told me to make sure Deomo takes me outside once a day. *smile* And wrote that the specialist will see me Sunday evening. Ok... that answers that.

Then I will focus my attention on the other crisis. Deomo and the karking pendant. He is running out of time. I was hoping to teach him the rest of the techniqes this evening. But I really wanted Max there for support. Also... Deomo was ... unreachable. *???* I know he has been practicing. I bet he is absolutely wiped and exhausted too. Good thing I guess... I am not really up for it.

I commed instead. *hehe... pun* I commed Brem to see how he was. He still hadn't found a guild hall to build... having trouble finding an architect to make one. SHe also still sounded a bit congested, but not as bad as before. Poor Brem. *hugs* He made two blue bangle sets for me. One I am wearing now and the other in case voritors eat this set like they did the last. *Hope it choked on it!* Now neither wrist is bare. *sigh of relief* Sometimes I wonder if I wear the bracelets to hide the ugliness of the scars or if I had gotten so used to shackles there athat the bracelets are... comforting. *shrug* either way... thounk you Brem. *love* You are always dear to my heart.

Next I commed Kayon to thank him again for the healing he did. I had an amazing few days!!!

Then... I had this feeling like I had to comm Jakob. Just a feeling. A niggling along the Force. Need called. I answered. He has been having a rough time of things with his guild and city. He is somewhat involved with an SSS member named Saari and his guild and city were disallowing her involvement. It was becoming frustrating and the hypocracy he was facing was enfuriating him. He needed to vent. I listened. I hope things work out for them. I understand completely when you love someone of the "other" faction. *sigh*

The ill feeling and much of the cramping eased while I was talking with everyone. No twinges thankfully. As the nausea passed, I braved some food: scrambled eggs and blue milk. I walked carefully about the temple and was growing tired. I had not realized I was talking with everyone for so many hours! I curled up with the kittens again... still wondering about Deomo...

The Worst News from Max

Mmmmm... cozy... Max was awake and watching me. *shy* He gently stroked my brow and placed a soft kiss upon it as I was waking. Then one of the kittens licked my face *ick* and I shoved her aside. Max smiled and rubbed my head slowly till I was fully awake. Mmmmm.....

I did not want to wake. I was comfortable. I slowly sat up. *mild twinge* Max offered to make breakfast. *NAUSEA* Oh no... no no no... I could see he was stalling though. He wanted to tell me something but sought ways to not say it yet. He resigned himself and said we should go up to the roof for fresh air and to talk. *concern*

He told me about Avios. How Avios was taken from Ebe and grown in some specialized cloning lab. He explained... in broken tense words how he and Ebe claimed Avios back when they found out.... And how Ebe had taken Avios to raise and he had destroyed the facility. He told me how this is what the Imperials planned to do to Meela.

I ... Deomo... NO! No, the Imperials CANNOT have Meela. We won't allow it!!!He assured me that he not let them have her, that he... ensure they would not.... that he did some things I may not be comfortable with to ensure that. I... was not comfortable with what he did... but... I would have done the same if I could.

He also explained how I WILL lose Meela. *!!!* NOOO!!! *denial* He explained why and that he has seen the medical reports. *SAD* I... knew though. Deomo had told me. And I had realized it again not that long ago. I just... hoped......... But no.... I am lucky to still be carrying her... but it won't last and a solution has to be found soon or she and maybe I will die. *upset* This really did not help my tension and nausea. But I know he had to tell me. I know I have to think about it... plan....

*stress*

What do we do? Max had a solution. To do to Meela what was done to Avios. Have her taken from me. *NO!!!* He was arranging for a private facility with similar equipment and a couple specialists to provide the best care. I don't want this... but I ... know... I know it may be the only way. *anxiety*

I am going to be sick....

I have to tell Deomo this. Explain it to him. I... I can't make this decision alone. *anxiety*

*nausea*
*hard to breathe*
*anxiety*

*dizzy*

*blackout*

Talking in the Shrine

Max looked so serious it worried me. He sat in front of me in Fyrshka's shrine. Somethings have been weighing heavily on his shoulders. He carried Fyrshka's holocron for weeks in his pocket to try to keep some of her spirit close to him for wisdom in the things he has had to do lately. Now he returned it to the shrine table, feeling he could say what he needed to say now. *??*

He told me in detail about the death of Kimbrya. How she did not really die. She just... disappeared... her very body becoming one with the Force like the Jedi's of old... like the tale of Obi-Wan Kenobi's death. It was a bit startling... but... Fitting. In the end... she was always somehow attuned to the Force. There are other things... but those things will either be passed on to the next Temple priests/priestesses just before I die or will die with me.

We talked a bit about the future... the short term future. I told him about my training session with Deomo and why Deomo is learning all this. He told me of his intention to step in and try to either sever my bond (and Meela's) with Deomo if necessary... if the spirit wins over Deomo and tries to harm up via the bond. Failing that, he said he would stand in the path and take the brunt of the impct if he can. To protect Meela. To protect me. He hoped Deomo would want this... should he lose to the spirit in his pendant.

I also mentioned bits of the good dream I had while in the hospital. I could sense if fill Maxell with such joy. *one day Max... one day... I will carry your child within me*

I felt Max had more to tell me... but he wasn't ready. So I left it at that, did not push. Not that I could in the state I was in, although, I was starting to feel a bit better... just sitting there in the shrine. Max went to move Kimbrya's Shrine. I must have been such a pain underfoot. I kept going over and getting in the way to loot over his shoulder and see that he was keeping it exact. He had to keep asking me to sit down, to please not be in the way, to PLEASE get out of the light. He was afraid to drop or break anthing. *snicker* I was having a childish moment. *sorry Max* teehee.

But that mood did not last. *twinge* *pounding headache*

My feeling good days just ran out I think.

He helped me over to our room to curl up with the kittens. I fell asleep while he finished setting up Kimbrya's shrine and lighting the candles.

Paying for the Playing

Maxell was waiting for me when Deomo escorted me. *smile*

Max was tied up with a long involved comm discussion/argument. I did notwant to intrude so I sat by the garden in the grass, near the shuttleport. I stretched out on my back and watched ar the stars peeked through the canopy of the sky. Wow... The sky on Naboo is absolutely beautify, rich shades of blue and indigo. I took out my datapad for a picture.

I managed to reach Brem and talk to him a brief moment. I asked if he minded if I put Kimbrya's shrine with Fyrshka... so the spirits could have company. He liked the idea. He is looking to start his own guild now and was busily hunting for a Guild Hall to build. He could not talk long. I could hear he was terribly congested. He needed to rest, he had caught some terrible illness. I hope he gets better soon!

As I sat up, I got a small twinge. *oh no* I walked carefully with Max to the Kintan mall to see what they had. I managed to find a vibroknuckler to act as a spare for if and when my current one dies. I like to always have a spare set of arnor and weapons, meds and brandy. Max picked up some gemstones for Relik. Relik will be so thrilled. He is such a fun little guy. *smile* I can't help but smile when I think of him and his little singing of Dop-adop-a-doo... heehee.

We took the shuttle to Theed and then my ship to Dantooine. The Sgro starport was strangely empty of pirates! When we got off the shuttle at Azrith, I put on some of the new red and charcoal pedded armor that Deomo got for me. Max said it looked real good... and professional. I loke it alot. *thank you Deo!* Arrived at the temple to pay the maintenance and over to my hut to do the same.

*twinge*

I dropped to my knees on the path back to the temple.

*TWINGE*

Max came running from the temple. He helped me slowly back to the temple where I sat to rest in the ritual room. He knelt by me, worried. I told him I wanted to get stuff in place. He did it for me... not wanting me to move any at the moment. I passed him the new office things, including the little tie fighter I got. I had wanted to surprise him with it by setting it on the desk for him to find... but i just didn't dare move.

*twinge*

Gently he carried me downstairs into the indoor camp to show me the hides he set on the floor. *smile* Then into Fyrshka's Spirit Shrine. I wanted him move Kimbrya's shrine there for me... to the space I made in here. But he needed to talk to me first. *concerned* He looked at me very seriously... and sat down in front of me.

Deomo's New House

Max is off yet again hunting for stuff and making arrangements for work. Busy man. Si I walked over to the Hendola EoTF Mall to look about and then hopped the shuttle to Theed.

As I stepped off a man came running up to me. Viorke. Excited to see me. Who is he? The name, the face is familiar.... He talked about his novice ranger training and his struggles with it. He was trying to update me on his doings of that last little while. I took a quick glance at my datapad and ran his name on it in the Rebel database. The bio that came up did not help me place who he was. Damn. The conversation was still very good and interesting. I don't get to just talk to someone about something I love to do. *gods I miss hunting* VIORKE!! As he left, it hit me. I met him at the Rebel Outpost on Rori the first time I went there when I was gurring it way way back when I was waiting for Blimey. Oh wow! *I feel like an idiot now*

Deomo sommed me to tell me he has located a few nice spots for a house for him and Meela. *smile* And the sopt he chose was not too far from Kintan. I hopped the shuttle to Kimtan and took my swoop to the wp of this new spot. Bandits shot at me on the way. I was barely grazed, but much annoyed. It was an island in the middle of a lake. As I stored my swoop in front of the large generic style house, Deomo stepped out the front door. He had a very uncertain look on his face. *!!* then a transport ship dropped off a squad of stormtroopers right beside his house! He yelled for me to get inside as the ship was landing. He remember the last group of stormtroopers that nearly killed me and Meela. I did not hesitate. He spoke with them briefly trying to assure them everything was fine and that realy could leave now. But they did not listen. Well, they sorta did. They were no longer concerned with us and the house, but on securing the surrounding area.

I explored the new house thoroughly by the time Deomo entered. He asked my personal opinion on the house and if I thought Meela would like it. My official opinion? It felt a bit like a cell block. Grey, cold, and no balcony or roof to get air on. He too really disliked it.

Max commed me to see where I was at and I updated him. Max suggetsed that in such a house a little girl could be happy playing hide'n'seek. Hmmm... Deomo and I tested this. Heehee. Running and hiding in the different rooms playing hide'n'seek and tag. He was being a kid and it was great to see. He even got Meela a toy replica droid! *grin*

At least till Meela complained. Then I cramped a bit and had to sit.

Deomo sat with me so quiet. When he did speak it was a deep conversation about revelations he had about himself. Who he was, the things that have changed him, who he is now... who he is deep down. Woah.

He was very tired after. Apparently he had been doing lost of practice in meditation and spirit touching and was way to exhausted now, especially after the little run around. We decided to train tomorrow instead. I commed Max to see if he could meet me in Kintan and Deomo escorted me to Kintan and then he left to crash in his new house.

Do not disturb... *smile*

This morning I woke uncertain of where I was. I had been so... "housebound" at the temple that it took me several minutes to realize I was in Max's hendola home and why. It was still very early. Max was still alseep. curled around behind me with me enfolded in his arms. I could feel his breath and bearn on the back of my neck. And I couls feel his short hair at his brow tickle me a little between two horns on my head. We were nestled so cozy. *smile* In the darkenss of predawn... I quietly lifted one of his hands to my face and kissed his palm. He stirred slightly then tightened his embrace a moment before he was lost to full sleep once again. I doubt he consciously ever noticed. *smile* I will sleep some more I think. This is way too comfortable... way to precious a moment... to disturb.

*taishan*

An Outing with Maxell

*TAISHAN!!*

"Scar'let... Scar'let? Come on...speak to me."

Huhn? What? What the kark happened? OW! Max carefully assessed me with his medbot and was applying a bacta bandage to my brow just above my left eye. OW! I blacked out again... and hit my head on the low wall of the roof. Kark. *embarrassed* Max was readiating worry until he got the full assessment done.

"You will be fine." *relief* "Oh... and there is some Rodesian in the temple.

*EMBARRASSED* "Hey, you are pregnant. These things happen." *sigh* We went downstairs and put some ice on the growing lump. Poor Relik was all surprised and a bit skittish... but not for long. He has this contageous, infections boucy happiness... almost makes me think of Kimbrya. It is so refreshing to have that energy in the temple. Relik and Max met and then He bounded off to plant his house just past mine. He returned devasted. He was not permitted to plant his house. It was a Corellian style house. Max came to the rescue with a small tattooine house. Relik was overjoyed and grateful!! He bounded off again to plant the new house. *laugh* He was tired out after that and asked if he could use the "wonderful" bed in the guest room again. *smile* Of course!

Maxell then said he was taking me out. Out?! Really!!?? *excited* "You have been cooped up too long. I can feel you going stir-crazy. I would rather escort you about to have an outing than risk you taking off on your own becuase you had it with being cooped up." *smirk* He knows me too well.

First stop: Kor Vella, Corellia
Everythime I had been there before, it had been like a ghost town. I didn't know why we were going there now. Max said he needed to stop in the bazarre to pick something up. When we landed... I was astonished! It was bustling!! As busy and Coronet used to be! He had to keep running back to grab my hand because I would just stop and stare. *feeling incredibly stupid*

Next stop: Mos Eisley, Tattooine
*inhales* Ahhhhh.. the familiar dusty smells of Mos Eisley. Again, we headed for the Bazarre. This time I had a look. OMGs!! There si all kinds of stuff I never seen nore remotely heard of before!!! I bought a small Picture Printer for the temple office computer. Wow... so much new and strange stuff!! So much has changed! Max needed to see a smuggler next so I called on Kaiyn. We met him in the starport. But Kayin and relinquished the skills and tools to help Max with ... some... blueprint. I hugged Kaiyn and we said our goodbyes.

Next stop: Theed, Naboo
Busy as usual. Not much changed here. There was this drunk Zabrak man crawling on the ground trying to scare his big bantha. What is it with Zabrak men when they are drunk? Why do thay all have to crawl around on the ground trying to scare things? *boggled* Max met a smuggler friend there and she did him the favor he needed.

Last stop: Hendola, Naboo
We grabbed a shuttle to Hendola and rode to Max's house. Hey! There is a garden in front of his house now! With a couple trainers hired there! I tugged his sleeve to point it out. He just gave me this very knowing smile. *?* "Go see who the trainers are, Scar'let." OMGs!!! A TKA trainer and a Sword Trainer!!! Max!!! *THRILLED* "So you need not hunt all over the galaxy in frustration to find them. When you get back into training, they will be here for you." OMGs... *HUGS!* Oh Max.... The excitement burned out what was left of my energy. He led me inside and gathered me into his lap while he leaned back against the pool's wall. There I slept... in his arms. *purr*

Deomo & Sprit Touching

I was telling Deomo about the stuff in Fyrshka's room. He seemed confused. "Krayt Skull?" No no... i didn't move THAT! I brought him downstairs and gave him a tour. I thought I had shoun him all thes... but aparently not. He hesitated like he did before. *???* I asked him why and he said he felt uncomfortable. I encouraged him. I showed him Brem's room without going in... the guest room, the room with Kimbrya's shrine. It... that... brought him to his knees. Something in him struggled. He was ... choked up a bit... and whispered something I could not make out. When I brought him to Fyrshka's... he stood and stared. Looked about and then began to tremble slightly. The spirit energy here... the strength of the Force in this one room...

The spirit in the pendant woke and pushed again for control.

Deomo bolted from the room.
Up the step 3 at a time.
Into the blue room.
Into the far corner.
"NoooooOOooo!!!!"
He struggled with the force of that spirit.

I could feel it... but I could not keep up with him.

I felt along our bond the strength of that spirit. Damned spirit. I also felt Deomo...

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Struggle.
Center.
Dammit focus.

Over and over till I arrived upstairs.

I knelt and took my meditation pose.
Calm...
Breathe...
Calm.
Breathe.
Focus...
Center of Being...
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self...
One.
Meditate...
One.
Breathe.
Meditate.

*sigh* Good. This helped him regain control. I guess that room was a bad idea. Too close to the Spirit realm of the Force. We meditated together for a while in the blue room. When he felt calm and comfortable I asked if he wanted to continue the lessons or not for the day. he wanted to continue. I took a walk over to my hut to pick up a couple abjects and we took our places in the ritual room.

Meditation.
Connetion to the land.
Connect to the Force.
Balance.

I handed him the first object and told him to reach for it like he did the crystal and just "listen" to it... open to the Force and let the images, thoughts, senses, feelings... flow.

The first object was a bottle of Tattooine Sunburn. He struggled at first and I told him to relax, let it flow... not to force it. And then came the images, sounds, and feelings.... broken but there. i asked him to relate what he sensed from the object. Then I filled in the blanks. It was the drink that Jakob had gotten me the first time I met him in the Cantina of Mos Eisley... way back when I first arrived here and was scared and lonely and skittish of people. He was kind and respectful, honourable and sympathetic. We had talked right through that entire night. *reminiscent* He made me feel welcome... and comfortable.

The second object was a jar of chum bait. Deomo was at first disgusted. *snicker* Focus Deomo. Don't let your feelings get in the way. It was a bit easier this time. He saw and sensed more and more smoothly. I then filled in the blanks again. It was from the first time I really sat with Pahoo, Blimey's benefactor, before Blimey woke from stasis. *miss Blimey* We went fishing at the lake on Tattooine that I brought Deomo to. And camped. I did not eat the fish. Deomo was confused as to why. I explained because I was allergic. I will never forget the times I lay doubled over sick and vomiting and in pain in Blimey's Corellia house after eating fish. Never again. BLEH!

That was an exhausting exercise. I gave Deomo a pastry to eat and then he went out to check on a few things. He commed me to say he was going to catch some shut-eye. He was truly exhausted by this. *nod* As I expected.

I went to return my objects to my hut and stopped some Piket on the walk back. I stopped and watched them a bit. Then figured that if I go to the roof of the temple, I could see them much better. So, I nibbled a sandwich and leaned on the low wall of the temple roof and watched them graze peacefully. They are huge creatures. After almost an hour they slowly got down to lie on the ground for an afternoon nap. I stood up to go downstairs.

*BLACKOUT*

The Cranky Unborn Taddles

I woke with a start today... to being licked and rubbed by the kittens. Max doesn't have kittens on his ship... *???* I opened my eyes. *!!* Oh! How did I end up in our room in the temple? I must have been real exhausted for Max to get me here without waking me. I stood and stretched. I still felt ok, Kayon... you are still amazing! I wonder how long this will last? I hope to do more training with Deomo today... the spirit touching... It makes me a bit nervous, but it will only be the sensing of what the objects can say about themselves... not stepping into the spirit world.

Well, I thought to take advantage of feeling good and decided to move some things around. I looked at Kimbrya's shrine and thought. Yes, yes... it could go into Fyrshka's shrine... a Spirit shrine where the spirit can have company. *smile* I will confirm with Brem before I touch anything on it though. So I went into the Spirit Shrine and began moving Fyrshka's things. I cleared a large corner. Kimbrya's shrine hardly needs that much space... but I felt that I had to for some reason make room... for... something. *shrug*

Well.... well... Meela was VERY upset with all this. Me bending and moving and hauling and all. She was cranky! Her energy was irritable and crabby and down right upset. She was so upset that she started to make me a bit nauseous. When I came up the stairs toward the ritual room Deomo was there. *!!!* "Scar'let... what in the galaxy are you doing?! Meela has been complaining to me for over an hour!" Doh! Taddled on by the unborn. Geez. He mildly... with amusement lectured me about moving about and upsetting our daughter. Then lectured me about moving furniture at all and that I should have called him to do it. *sigh* I am going stir crazy... i NEED to do something... get out or move things before I go MAD.

Return to Eden

*scent of grass and flowers*
*touch of a light breeze*
*sound of a nearing voritor*
*!!!*

I sat up like I bolt! VORITOR! Where?!? Oh crap! I passed out and fell from my swoop. The voritor was sniffing at my swoop a few meters from me. I carefully crept away. It picked up my scent and foloowed at a distance. Then I masked my scent and crawled around and back to my swoop.

Max was trying to reach me. *Not now Max.*

I slowly guided the swoop further away while the voritor was struggling to pick up my now lost scent... his now lost meal. I slid onto my swoop.

*Where are you? What happened? Are you ok? WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE TEMPLE!?*

*Not. Now. Max.*

Took a quick moment to verify I was not hurt. Good. Just a bit of wounded pride... but no one really saw this stupidity. Started the engine and before the vortior could react... I was off. I swung about to make a quick assessment. The temple was closer than Eden. And there were more voritors coming from a den on my path to Eden. Oh well... Back to the temple.

*ok... now Max.*

I rode fast back to the temple to meet Max. I reassured Max I was fine. I just NEED to get out and see other things! He sighed... and understood. *thankful*

He then escorted me back to Eden for a short look about. It was nice to fly by the fallen ATAT... *remembered learning to swim there with Max* and over to the vending tents. Some neat things... but nothing that really and truly caught my eye. I enjoyed looking though. Max commed me to let me know that Fiore and Scarlette where both in the cantina. So I walked over there and greeted them. It was good to see some other faces and socialize a bit. They are redesigning their cantina.

I sat on the steps outside a moment and sent Brem a small email asking if he could make 2 sets of blue bangles for me. Something of him to keep close to me *smile* And 2 ... incase another voritor eats one set like they did the last set. *grin* I hope that last voritor choked on it of passed it with great pain!

Max then took me up in space. He showed me his little med room in the lower deck of the ship. Lower deck? Does my sorosuub have a lower deck too? I will have to check that sometime. He then got a message he needed to address and let me explore the "new" lower deck. But I was so very tired. I explored a bit and then sat on the floor with my head on my crossed arm on one of the beds. I must have drifted off...

Blackout?

I hunted up some food and then took a nap with the temple cats in the ritual space... near the brazier. When i woke, I was still feeling pretty good. Kayon... you are truly amazing!!! I decided to take a quick hop over to Eden to look in the vendors and see if Fiore or Scarlette had anything interesting or new. Just to change my environment and headspace a bit. It was a short ride... so I wasn't worried. I know the swoop can outrun most anything. I masked my scent and rode off.

*BLACKOUT*

*DARKNESS*

*huhn? what?*

*darkness*

Answering Questions... even the unspoken ones...

Once Relik was asleep and Deomo fed and and rested he sat back on the ritual floor facing me. We just sat in the quiet. He asked how I was. I felt ok. He was glad. Meela bounced about the bond again a bit before settling down again. Deomo is so very cute with her.

I wanted to reach out and touch Deomo... to be held by him, like he used to. But I was too uncertain... with the bond between us weakening and changing and the argument yesterday... I... wasn't sure if we were close enough for that. I hesitantly reached out my hand to take his... and decided that maybe... maybe I shouldn't. *Choked feeling... sad* "Come here," he whispered. And gathered me into his arms and held me close. I almost cried. He just held me for a long while. It was good. I needed it. He needed it.

He ran his fingers down my arm to the bracelet he gave me. *trust* and then hesitantly down the other arm to pause at the scars on that bare wrist. I went to cover them with my hand. "Why do you hide them?" Because they are ugly. "What... how did you get them?" He was so hesitant. I could sense concern, curiosity and feral fury. I ... in some broken sentenses... slowly told him of my past in detail. The slave master, my twins, Lok... Blimey... and my travel here with Blimey in stasis. I think it all kinda shocked him.

He continued to hold me for a time more. When he started to drift asleep, he said he was going up to the blue room. I needed to finish up a few things. I kissed his cheek and he hugged me. Then left to stretchout for sleep on the blue rug upstairs.

New Folks to the Temple

Well... Avios hired an assistant to the crafting room, Delila. And Maxell hired an accolade to help around the temple and particularly in the office. I never got his name though.

Elca... Elca is part of the temple. I will begin lessons with her soon I think. Deomo is kinda a critual situation at the moment that is really time-sensitive. But I so look forward now to teaching Elca... *smile* Maybe... when things settle down a bit... I will hold regular lessons as small events. *hmmmm.....*

Now there is Relik. He is an adorable little Rodesian. New green... like newly kicked from the nest new. He calls himself a "little bug" and is a bit skittish to be stepped on my big critters. I found him sitting on the temple steps like a lost gnort. He is a brave and fast little fellow, but has no offensive/defensive skills. He has great aspirations though. He hopes to become an architect. Oh good. There are so few in the galaxy these days that I can't find anyone to make houses anymore. I brought him into the temple and gave him a little tour. He likes the warmth of the orange room. I explained that I am not as mobile as I would like because I was with child. He congradulated me. I introduced him to Deomo, as the father. Deomo was a bit... uncertain about this one... but was polite enough... I have a good feeling about him. And I try to trust my instincts. I think I confused Relik on the tour when I said that my bedroom is shared with Maxell. *snicker... long story Relik... forget about it for now* I hope he gets to meet Maxell soon. Max will know where to find resources for crafting and practice for him. Well, he was exhausted from his running around the galaxy, so I brought him to the guest room to sleep. He was so excited to sleep in a bed. *smile* He is such a funny little bug. His energy is refreshing in the temple.

First Lessons with Deomo

Once Meela was asleep, I tentatively asked if Deomo wanted to learn from me... or... if he was still very upset and wanted to seek another teacher. We whispered apologies to each other again. He wanted to learn from me, if I wanted to teach him. *honoured* Of course.

He escorted me over to my hut first so I could search through the packs and boxes for a white crystal. Did I give them all to Max already for his Hendola Pool? AHA! No... there was one of a high quality... nice and clear, no color. Back at the temple, I pulled the ottoman over to act as a low table and set the crystal upon it.

And so we began.

Calming the self.
Breathing. In... slow.... and slowly out...
Focus... on the breathing... allow the pattern and rhythm to become even and calm.
Take note of the self... feel the energy within you... your own lifeforce.

Once that was accomplishable... it was time to learn centering the being.

Calm.
Breath.
Focus.
Self.
Oneness with your own energy.
Focus.
Focus.
Focus.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Don't allow them to distract you.
Be aware.
Focus.
Center of being... be one within yourself.
Be aware.

This took longer. It is something we often do unconsciously... especially if you are a hunter or fighter of some kind. But for this... you need to be able to do this consciously. Again.

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self.
Awareness.
Focus.
Reach into the living land.
Feel it pulse.
Become one with it.
All things are connected.
One.
Balance within.

This was going very well. After some practice, we took it a step further.

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self.
Awareness.
Focus.
Connect with the land.
Take the meditaion pose.
Focus.

Oops. The concentration faultered some. But Deomo is a determined man. He got it.

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self.
Awareness.
Focus.
Connect with the land.
Take the meditaion pose.
Focus.
Reach to the crystal.
All is one.
One.
The Force.
One.
Balance.
Focus.
Awareness.
One with the self.
Center of Being.
Focus.
Breathe.
Calm.
Meditation.

In this state, one can review the day... sift through one's thoughts... allow thoughts/feelings/images to come and to be let go. And so our first set of lessons went. With some practice, he will take a breath and reach that inner calm immediatelt by will. He will take the pose and shift smoothly into meditation.

This lasted several hours. It was also tiring. I told him to eat something to replenish the energy he spent and then to rest.

While meditating, I was aware of a presense outside the temple. It had been there for for maybe an hour. An uncertain, sheepish presense.

Uber Cuteness

*bounce* Huhn? Today could not have been any more different than yesterday was. They were on opposite side of the scale! *bounce... poke... bounce* I woke curled up to the razorcat in the indoor camp. Max had to be up early for Imperial work. I walked upstairs and knelt to meditate. *bounce* Well! Hello Meela! *bounce bounce* She was awake and her energy declared her very excited. So... she woke me. *smile* Hello my sweetling. Then she became very energetic and bounced back and forth along the bond Max showed her yesterday... *smile* and *grin* woke Deomo. Hehe. They reached for each other. He got up from the blue room and came down to sit with me. I stopped trying to meditate. He and her were playing back and forth together with energy along our bond. *SMILE* I just wanted to sit and watch. *CUTENESS!!!* They almost seemed to play tag. He was glowing with joy at this newfound connection to her. So was she.

I think this went on for an hour before I was about to speak.

He even tried to play a bit of peek-a-boo with energy. That spooked her. She did not understand. How could she? She is ... well... still in the first trimester of gestation! This alone is amazing. It was a bit similar with my twins... but that was just with me. I expect it between mother and child. But this... with her father... *smile* is just so damned cute. I was grinning from ear to ear... my cheeks hurt from it and still I could not help myself. *smile!!* He so can't wait till he actually holds her in his arms. Till he gets to teach her hunting.... I so hope he gets that opportunity.

Meela, our daughter. She bounded across the bond a few more times till she was all tuckered out and slept. *smile*

The cuteness factor of this morning was truly off the scales. *weehee*

Emotional Turbulance: Maxell

And yesterday got worse... believe it or not.

Kayon woke and left quietly so as not to disturb me.

My mind was going over the day... ticking off the stupid things. I prayed Max understood that I really never meant what I said earlier. And normally I would not have even said it... but I just... i don't know what is wrong with me today!

Maxell came back. Ebe with him. She went to sleep in the guest room. They hugged and agreed to continue their talk the next day or so. He barely said a word to me and went to our room saying he was tired. I came down with him. I went to soothe him and apologize by running my fingers through his hair. He flinched. He pulled away even along the bond. *!!*

*nods* ok... ok... i really am... sorry...

I got up and walked out.

I went to sit in the indoor camp Maxell had made for me since I dared not go outside to camp. I hugged my knees, crossed my arms and buried my face in them. *alone* *i am sorry!!!* *i'm sorry...* *alone*

Max came in and stood before me. I looked up. In a choked whisper, I said i was sorry again.... and I could not stop the tears from streaking down my cheeks in small rivulets. *i'm sorry*

He knelt and wiped at my tears. The would not stop. He gathered me in his arms and I wept on his shoulder. "You will never be alone, my taishan, never."

Emotional Turbulance: Max-Meela-Deomo-Fire'fly

Well then day yesterday went progressively downhill.... Max asked me what I had said to Deomo to make him so angry. *???*

When I reached for Deomo... he was... drunk... drunk and angry. *anxiety... frustration... annoyance* I could not reach him. He would not listen. I tried on the comm but he turned it off. *!!!* Max came over to me and led me by the hand to the middle of the ritual room. "I have an idea." *trust* He asked me to meditate... to focus and calm myself. While I shidted into an uneasy meditation and slowly let the peace of the oneness fill me, he commed someone with a quick message. I was too busy trying to shut things out to bother really listening to who he commed or why. Then he knelt behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. His strength flowed along the bond to support me and fill me with his love and warmth. Maxell reached for Meela. She shied from him. *she knows who daddy really is now* He was patient and encouraged her that he meant no harm and energetically held out his hand. And at the same time stepped carefully aside and helped guide her along the bonds to reach her daddy. She was uncertain about this newness... but when she connected with Deomo... there were sparkes of excitement from her! *thank you Max* But Deomo was way drunk and scared her. She did not understand this strange energy of her fathers. Max step in to protect her in case Deomo was one of those "angry drunk" types. But thankfully he is not. Deomo reached back to Meela... though still to drunk to be very coherent. Max stepped aside. But Meela still retreated to my embrace. I was not very angry with Deomo. Confused and angry. And poor Meela did not understand any of this. Hickups made her especially confused. Deomo hummed for her between hickups and soothed her. But was still too drunk and upset with me to talk to me... soon he was just too drunk.

Part of me was absolutely thrilled that Meela and Deomo could now reach each other via the bond at a distance! And part of me wanted so badly to slap Deomo for being drunk in front of his daughter! Max then stood and told me that Fire'fly was bringing Deomo here. And, that he was going to leave because he did not want to aggravate the situation. I did not have to wait long. Fire'fly arrived with a very very drunk Deomo. He teetered and leaned on the pillars then fell to the floor in giggles. *!!!* He crawled about the floor of the ritual room sneaking up and saying BOO to the perimeter crystals. "BOO! Hahahaha... I scared Yellow Crystals!!" This was embarrassing. *HUMILIATED* Fire'fly must be equally humiliated seeing her superior office like this... and having to drag him home too. *I am sooooo sorry Fire'fly* Her and I talked a few moment trying to figure out what on earth to do about him when he crawled up to her and yelled BOO to her feet. THAT'S IT!! We hauled him up to relative standing, dragged him back to the fountain and dumped him in. Before he drowned, She climbed in and hauled him to his feet. We dunked him twice more to sober him. He was cranky with her after, but i don't think she cared at this point. He somped to the brazier and stipped right there before up tossing his wet things over the edge to dry. Fire'fly turned her back. I thank her profusely for her help and she left.

What ensued after was a very heated argument about alcohol and Meela and the misunderstanding of earlier. My words were not being understood. I don't think i was understanding him either. I was so stressed and angry. I shot along the bond harsh words to Max that if this was what marriage was like then I wanted NO PART OF IT! *shock* *hurt* Even before he could react, I regretted those words. And tried to take them back.

Deomo thought I assumed he did not understand how I felt about the temple. Felt that I did not trust him to not fight in it if the enemy walked in. Felt I did not welcome him there. *!!???!!*

Gods... what is WRONG with me!!! I was emotional. I was upset. I was saying things without thinking. This is SO not like me! Gods! And all i am doing is hurting the feeling of the people I care most about!

I choked out an apology to Deomo and left him to dry out by the brazier. I went to curl in a ball of my own misery in the blue room. Try to sort out my stupidities. He came in and touched my shoulder. I tensed. I tensed because I was about to burst into tears and didn't want to. He withdrew his hand and walked out again. *fine... I am unwelcome again* Nooooooo....... *TEARS* I cried. I... felt so alone... Max was upset with me *my fault* and Deomo was upset with me *my fault* My tears were bitter in my arms. I choked whispers of apolgies to the walls. Begged the walls to explain to me why WHY are Deomo and I not understanding each other like we used to??!!! *anguish and pain in my heart... loneliness* "Because our bond is changing... diminishing," Deomo said it so softly. He had come in so silently i did not hear him while I was crying. He sat at a distance and just watched me. I turned, startled by his words. He looked at me so seriously. I could see sadness in his eyes. He was not completely sober... but definately not drunk either. He too apologized quietly. We just misunderstood each other.

Ebe had arrived at the temple. I sent her a quick message that i needed some privacy in the blue room. That she was welcome in the temple, but to just not come into the blue room. She misunderstood something and barked out hasty apologies for intruding and bolted from the temple running right into Maxell. He went after her to find out what happened.

Deomo and I went on to talk. I t then hit me... oh gods... I CAN'T carry meela to term. he had mentioned the doc said something of it... but it didn't really register then. He tried to sooth me with his words. But he really focus on trying to soothe Meela who was scared and confused by this argument and this chaos of emotions. He was drained and exhausted. He needed to sleep off the alcohol. I sat with him till he was asleep.

Then I made my way downstairs. I stood... alone... in the ritual room. I had managed somehow to upset Ebe, too today. *troubled* I am glad max went after her. I know they still love each other. I have seen it in their eyes before. He will know how to talk to her... especially wth his empathy. Meantime... I meditated in the ritual room again... trying to let its peace sink into me again as it did in the morning. *alone*

Emotional Turbulance: Deomo-Kayon-Elca

Yesterday... was up and down and up and down... mostly crashing and burning though.... It was a bad day for me. I don't know what got into me. I was SO not myself.

The day started with me waking in and slowly heading down to the office to get my datapad. I contacted Kayon to arrange to meet him and discuss Jedi codes and Elca's concerns. I was meditating while I waited fro Kayon to arrive when Deomo came down. I was trying hard to not let the aching in my belly get to me... I needed to talk with Kayon. That promise was way overdue. Kayon. Kayon is a Jedi now, a padawan. And Elca is very much in love with him. I was thinking about Kayon in meditation when Deomo sat across from me watching me. Kayon was with Brem to try to rescue Kimbrya. This could get messy. How do I explain this. Kayon will want to protect me from Deomo and and Deomo will not understand why Kayon is drawing his saber to kill him. I contacted Kayon and made him promise to not fight in my temple no matter who he sees. Then I tried to explain to Deomo about Kayon and how I wanted him to walk away because Kayon will not understand what is between me and him. I didn't want a fight in the temple. My words came out badly. And then I could not finish the explanaition as Kayon arrived.

They stodd facing each other across the ritual room. Kayon took a defensive stand and reached for his lightsaber. Deomo pulled out his father's pike. The room was still and electric with the potential. I reached along our bond... noting that is seemd... weaker... and tried to explain to Deomo... in the end, I asked him to walk away, this once. He left snarling ferally. *unwanted, untrusted, GROWL*

*distressed... NOOoooo that is not what I meant..... nooooooo.....*

I didn't have time to dwell on it nor to allow it to stress me. I had Kayon in front of me wondering why I called him here. I explained I was with child and having a hard time of it. We talked of the Jedi codes and the council. We discussed their current situation and the struggles they are having... and how they are now looking at the codes as guidelines and not strict adherence. How many of those few becoming jedi now are already grown men and women with lives and families. How they are seeing the strength and brightness that a reationship brings. Honour is the Law... Love is the Bond... a bond that lifts the heart and soul and lends it strength when all else seems to fail. He and Elca are going to work on their relationship together. *smile*

Maxell arrived at the temple distressed about Deomo. *???* He greeted Kayon. Then Kayon had an idea. Jedi Healing. He asked Max to dual him outside to wound him a bit so that he can kick in a jedi healing trick and pass that energy to me... to help me with the pains and miscarry risks. I was willing to try anything for Meela. They went outside and Maxell called his Graul Mauler to him and set it hunt Kayon a bit. I carefully went outside to watch, concerned. *twinge* I sat on the stair landing immediately. *dammit... i really hope...* When I opened my eyes Kayon was taking the stairs 2 at a time, dropped to his knee and touched my shoulder. *!!* A surge of Force energy poured from him into me to fill my whole body and tingle in all the sore places! It was so sudden and vanished just as suddenly. *gasp!!* He asked with a big smile if I felt that. Oh yeah! I felt that!! Wow!! Odd! NEAT! *BIG GRIN* I stood cautiously. No pain. I reached for Meela.... She was fine... more than fine. She was no longer stressed by the tension around her. I took an esier breath ... and hugged Kayon with joy! Max grinned with relief and let his pet o hunt as it pleases out on the plains. Kayon was tired now. So I led him to the guest room to sleep. *THANK YOU KAYON!!!!*

I commed Elca to let her know about the talk. She was so overjoyed I could hear her crying on the other end. She was free to love him. She was sooo happy. *smile*

Then I reached along the bond to Deomo and told him what Kayon did for me and Meela. *!!!*

Relaxing on the roof

Yesterday I headed up to thte roof to get some fresh. Damned stairs. I havd to like sit for an hour after each flight. I reached the landing with the meditation room and layed down on the orange rug for a bit till the pains eased. Then I went up to the roof and sat at the entrance again for an hour. Slowly, I walked about the roof and took in the fresh air. I sat and leaned against the central roof hub and watched the clouds. I went through several twinges. I am not sure I will make it back down till much much later.

I thought about what Deomo had told me and aksed of me. I have to teach him. Now I have 2 apprentices. I thought about my early training.
-focus
-concentration
-center of being
-codes and creeds
-meditation
-sensing the Force
-blocking and shielding (ugh... i used to do this so well... guess i need to work on it again)
-temple philosophy
-cultural beliefs
-deep meditation
-trance
-the Force and the world of spirits

Hmmm.... now doesn't that look like a curriculum?! Ok. I think I want to start tonight. The first 3-4... even the basic meditation... i think I can teach that without overstressing myself.

I want to get the memorial ceremony planned too soon... for Kimbrya.

Max came by in the late afternoon and we got a bit caught up from his perspective. I do not always approve of his methods of achieving an end... but I realize... he is not all that different than Deomo... just a different method. We all do what we feel we must for those we care about and the ideal we hold to be true.

We then just sat together and watched the sun set and the stars shine... till late into the night. I sat with my back against his chest and his arms about me. I laid my head on his shoulder... the left one, as he incurred an injury to his right one earlier. It was so peaceful. I fell asleep there. Or at least I did.

I woke with a blanket on me and a note to check things in the temple. So I did. *SMILE* Max built a. indoor "camp" for me. *laughs* I am not meditating in the ritual room... trying to easy the waves of discomfors from doing the stairs.

Temple Discoveries

Deomo woke. He seemed to be feeling much better. He woke as I did to the discovery of an old Pike. I don't know how it go there. But... it is his father's. After we sat and relaxed and ate and got our bearings, I wanted to see what Max was talking about. Before he left, he said that he made some changes to the temple and placed 11 security cameras. This was going to be like a treasure hunt! I was eager to look around... and to walk on my own. Slow. Careful. With Deomo to help me. But still... walk a bit on my own.

We looked in the meditation rooms and the stairways of that floor. There was one camera. There needs to be one facing the roof entry, in my opinion. I have seen enough little shuttles drop by and dump troops... who says they can't drop them on the roof? On the main floor... we found all the cameras there. Deomo insist that there should be one facing the entrance and tsks Max for missing it. The office has the main control console and a new painting of RIS armor. The ritual room sprts a painting on the east wall... but i do not like it. (sorry Max!) I really want a TKA poster there and some feathers (if i can get any feathers). The little Life Day shrine was untouched. *smile* In the crafting room, he mounted the blue schematic and the bio-engineer posters that Deomo gave me, that I gave to max to put up in there. Then we walked downstairs. I checked in all the rooms. Brem's was still untouched. I may move Kimbrya's shrine there....then again, maybe he really doesn't want it there. Perhaps it could share space with Fyrshka? A room for the teachers gone by? I should get a Life Day orb into that room at some point. And... and... i wish to find one for Brem... as a gift. Kimbrya loved the Life Day ceremony. The guest room was the same, just a bed and a painting. The romm next to it contained the shrine Brem made for Kimbrya. The little room that used to hold the crafting stations was empty save for 2 ottomans. The hall was dark. I need to get the sofa and torches back there I think. Fyrshka's room looked fine, no changes there either. Well, I found all the security cameras down here too. Even the one in our bedroom... heehee. Wow. The paintings in there... 2 TKA paintings to remind me of my training. And a stunning and serene painting of a valley... a Naboo valley I think. The kittens curled about my legs and I cleaned their box and fed them. I changed into some clean clothes *ahhhhhhh* But just the blue temple dress. *frown* Damn. I need some bangles or something to cover those... the scars on my right wrist. The ones on my left are covered by the bracelet Deomo gave me. maybe he won't notice the scars. He hasn't thus far.

Deomo did not come down the hall. Why? Well, I figured he would not want to enter any "private" rooms. I can understand his dicomfort. I walked back out... but... could not make it up the stairs. The pains grew bad. The twinges returned. *anxiety* Deomo just picked me up and carried me over to the Life Day shrine and sat with me till my bidy stopped having a fit. He talked to our daughter and soothered her with his humming. *smile*

He told me of the days I was commotose in the med centre. A specialist came by to see me. He told me she was good and competant. And she showed Deomo the ultrasound of our daughter within me. He began to just glow talking about it. *smile* I wish I could have seen. He told me, when i asked what she looked like, that she kinda looked like... a little worm *snicker, chortle, laugh* but still so very beautiful. *smile* He also told me he had them lower the sedation they had been giving me so I could be awake a bit. And that he took me outside. I barely remember that. I remember him holding my hand, bright blue lights, a moment of sunshine, and humming... and a few strange dreams... no nightmares. *relief* He had taken me on the balcony for fresh air. I just don't remember it much. And he hummed to me... *smile* I remember that. He never left my side and had the staff very nervous. *grin*

I curled in his lap with his lap. I took his hand and placed it over my aching abdomen. *ahhhh* Max does this. The warmth is so soothing and easing. I discovered this this morning when Max did this before he left. Max knows a remarkable amount about pregnant women. I should ask him about Ebe and Avios. Snuggled there in Deomo's embrace... Sleep crepts up, especially with his humming. I tried to stifle my yawns. But sleep crept in fast. I don't even recall when it claimed me.

Home Again... safe

I woke stretched out on the blue rug of the blue meditation room. Before I opened my eyes, i was hit with pain... every muscle ached like i had not used them in days and then did all of a sudden. I ached.... But that is exactly wahat was true... i had been bed-bound for i don't know how many days, and then walked about yesterday. The cramping is still prevalent and it worries me, especially with the news that I amy not be able to carry my child to term. What will I do? I don't want to lose her. *nausea*

*breathe... breathe*

I slowly allowed my body to grow accustomed to the idea that i was awake... and not moving. The waves of nausea slowly passed. The cramping was still present but only if I moved. So I didn't.

I let my senses raom instead. The feeling of the plush rug beneath me. The darkeness that I could sense past my closed eyelid spoke of the blue room. The scent of the large painting... and of... Deomo. The sound of his heart beating... sometimes fast with his breath, sometimes peacefully slow. He was so exhausted that he did not even stir. Sometimes I could feel him tense, but too body-tired to move.

I opened my eyes. Deomo was fast asleep in one of those dead-to-the-world sleeps of exhaustion. He was been with me for i don't know how long. I have fuzzy memories of him holding my hand, bright blue lights, a moment of sunshine followed by pain, Elca... and Max... and the news that i can't carry to term... i am not even really sure how I got here.

I could smell food and Max... Max left some food for us. It was cold now. I carefully reached over and ate some. But stays down most of the time, stroking Deomo to sooth him if he tensed in his sleep. I purred for both him and our daughter.

I need to speak with Max. I need to see the specialist and find out what the kark is going on.

Scared... for us...

I was permitted some time off the sedation. It was nice to be aware and look about and eat a meal on my own. Deomo carried me out to the Theed Med Centre balcony. The fresh air... ahhh... I wanted to stand. I wanted to walk and run. I wanted to go home!!! But... I nearly collapsed just from a simple stand. And the twinges returned. *scared* Deomo... he has been so good to me.

He explained that the risk for miscarriage is very very real. I could see the exhaustion and fear in his eyes. Funny... I can barely sense it on the bond. He is so hyperfocused on the pendant and his child... our child.

They gave me another sedative. But it did not knock me out like the previous ones did. I lay curled in his embrace till I drifted on my own.

*Am I still here? In the Theed Hospital?*

I stirred slightly. Reached first within to sense the energy of my daughter. *smile* She is well. And strong. I do sense a "not rightness" though with me and this pregnancy... but... what is it?

I reached then for Max. *taishan?* I have not seen him in so long. His mission... I didn't think it would be such a long mission. I... I hoped he would be here. I opened my eyes to see if he was. But I knew he was far away. I felt it.

Blue lights. Bright. Hurt my eyes. I squinted and rolled onto my side. There was Deomo. *smile* Sitting on the floor with his head on his crossed arms on the side of my bed. My hand still in his. he felt me sir and gave my hand a gentle squeeze, reassuing me he was still with me. He looked so tired. Has he been awake all this time? I sense the doc in the next room. She seems annoyed at something. *concern*

I want to go home. I ... feel like I need to get up and out. *anxiety*

*humming* "Rest easy. You need it. Our angel needs it."

The doc came in and gave me alther karking sedative... *darkness*

**strange dream**

The image of a three-spoked wheel or triskele shone bright in my mind as as strange whispering was heard:

Honour is the Law, Love is the Bond
This coupled with a three-fold promise:
Be true to your word, your path and yourself...

Remember... 3 ... is am important stable and sacred number...

Land Sea Sky

LAND..... SEA..... SKY.....

**dream**

I walked out the temple door to see Deomo and a young woman who seemed so very familiar pulling on armor. *pride* "We are clearing the path for this evening's ritual and festival. We don't need the critters, nor the mokks, interfering this evening." I kissed Deomo and he gave me the smallest smile as his hand brushed my cheek. Then Deomo strode out strong and sure with the young girl eager to help him. Who is she? Why is she so familiar?

Max stepped out to see them go. He slid up behind me, wrapping his arm about my waist and lightly rubbed my slightly swollen belly. "They will be fine. Come, we need to get ready." I turned my head to see love in his eyes... those deep blue eyes. I took his hand and we went back inside the temple to set up and go over our plans for the evening.

The rest is fuzzy... This is the dream I so want as real... In my heart this is what I want. *sad* I ... do not think I will though. Fate just does not seem to really favor me. Did I wake? *humming* No... I haven't. *darkness*

Just resting

They did not bother me last night with doctors and tests or the specialist. I think they are intimidated by Deomo. *smile* They left me to just rest. Deomo was sitting on the edge of the bad. One hand on my shoulder, the other holding my hand... still. I don't know if he is still humming. I hear it in my mind and flowing through my body. She is so happy with his humming.

I don't want their stranger specialist looking at me. I don't want Deomo to see my scars. I don't want them taking their tests. I know what is in those tests. I know what they will find. I do not want them to have our daughter for their war.

Someone came in and gave me another sedative. *damn*

I want to leave here. Deomo.... Max... please... take me aways from here.
*darkness*