Isolation: Spending Time with Myself (Dec. 28,xxx4)
I sat in the Blue Meditation Room. Pulled my datapad out... and just started spilling my thoughts.
Mom... how I rarely saw her. Dad's warm loving protective arms around me humming... chasing away the nightmares that always came at night.
Studying with the wise teachers and Jedi on the ship. I then remembered some of the techniques they taught me to control my "gifts". What are my gifts? Visions. I can see things, often in dreams or nightmares, sometimes when I walk into a room or touch an object. I hear the whispers of ghosts. Sometimes I get bombarded by the thoughts and feelings of other or throw my own feelings out of anger at another. And then there are the techniques. Why could I not remember them awhile ago when I experienced the ghosts at the POI's, early when I met Brem. That is when my walls began faultering again. I grew comfortable first with Bordesc, then with Brem and the walls began to come down... and then I could not remember how to bring them back up! I thought I was going to go mad! Now... NOW... I rememebr the techniques... and damn... they are not difficult... I should have remembered them. But it was so long ago.
Techniques for control:
I remembered the monestary and how I was named Firecat out of fun. The feral in me would fly at will and send me running through the woods as a teen ro hunt with the wild gurrcats. Then trying to teach me to meditate with some success and failure. *smile* The feral was always rising in waves... but was never so strong as now. Maybe because I was just a teen, just experiencing puberty. I managed to learn to meditate. But it was difficult. And when i was captured for slavery, the feral turned me wild for a time till it was exhausted and the fact of my situation crushed that strength. Then i had twin daughters... And found the strength again... for them. Their death killed me in a way. I wrapped myself in such walls... I was cold as stone, afraid to get close to anyone. Just in case they were like my Master, or incase they too were taken from me like my daughters were.
My daughters...
Love...
Blimey... steady a friend... I wanted so to get closer to him, but was so afraid to. Now we are so distant, I even wonder about our friendship.
Bordesc... we were friends... I never wanted to be more with him... but the perceptions that I did ruined our friendship. *pained... feeling of loss and sadness*
Brem... a friendship with no bonds or expectations... we can be close or not and will always ne dear friends... I feel so safe with him... so unafraid.
Maxell... my tai'shan... my feelings for him are so jumbled. The intensity sometimes... often... too much for me. And I can think how I have ruined his life... Yet he loves me. His patience and his love... but the intensity... the bond stirs so strongly sometimes.
Deomo...wild, feral... we too share a bond... but not as strong as with maxell. I feel I can act of my own free will around him called... but not "driven". He was my enemy till I saw the man hidden behind his walls. A gentle, honourable man... proud...
The feral... in me...
This is why I do this...
These rites...
To get control of this...
before I do something like... forget who stands before me and kill them ... like someone I care about... like Brem... or Maxell... I was a breath away from that the other day on Dathomir with Maxell. That scared me. I... can't trust myself... This is why I am afraid of these rites.... What if I lose it here, and fail to regain control? WHat if the feral takes over and I kill? What if...
*weeps for a few minutes on the carpet*
If I am to be the priestess I started training for so very very long ago, I must be able to handle what comes at me... and not lose myself.
My first VOWS:
My second VOWS:
I MUST come to terms with myself... must find:
peace, knowledge, serenity, The Force, Unity...
Control
When I was a child. my father wrapped me in his Force shields and induce control for me. When I was a teen, I just let it flow, and explored it with curiosity... it didn't control me... it was... in harmony with me. And my teachers taught me to work with it, techniques of control and focus... first fromn the Jedi... then from the monks (were they jedi? no... they couldn't have been... or they would not have perished at the hands of the trandoshan). In slavery, I buried myself so deep I felt almost nothing.more so after my daughters' death. Now I am relearning to connect with the world. I am losing that barely attained control. And discovering that it is more difficult to attain... so easy to get lost... the feral is like a demon that possesses me... with such strength. I cannot seem to fight it, hard as I try. My gifts are also stronger... and I do not know how to use them... they overwhelm me sometimes.
These are my most difficult lessons for these trials to come.
---
Kimbrya came to let me know I should wait for Maxell in the ritual room. Brem and Deomo are already off to do their first trials : physical/mental challenges. Deomo passes me and touched my shoulder, lendding me some strength, wishing me well on what is before me, smiling and saying that he has confidence in me. I am left alone... so very alone in the Temple. Not even the ghosts are whispering. It is so ... quiet. Just me and my thoughts.
I am not really afraid... but am terribly uncertain. I know that I must do this. For myself. For those around me that I care about.
I feel so cut off. Brem is focused. Deomo too. Max is ... almost blocking me. I feel like I have gone deaf and blind. *a moment of panick as a vague dejavu sensation creeps in... then fades*
Max is here...
I do not know why I am trembling so much...
Mom... how I rarely saw her. Dad's warm loving protective arms around me humming... chasing away the nightmares that always came at night.
Studying with the wise teachers and Jedi on the ship. I then remembered some of the techniques they taught me to control my "gifts". What are my gifts? Visions. I can see things, often in dreams or nightmares, sometimes when I walk into a room or touch an object. I hear the whispers of ghosts. Sometimes I get bombarded by the thoughts and feelings of other or throw my own feelings out of anger at another. And then there are the techniques. Why could I not remember them awhile ago when I experienced the ghosts at the POI's, early when I met Brem. That is when my walls began faultering again. I grew comfortable first with Bordesc, then with Brem and the walls began to come down... and then I could not remember how to bring them back up! I thought I was going to go mad! Now... NOW... I rememebr the techniques... and damn... they are not difficult... I should have remembered them. But it was so long ago.
Techniques for control:
- Breathe (tarraing anail)
- Remember (cuimhnigh)
- Connect (ceangail)
- Accept (glacadh)
- Let Go and Let it flow (scaoil le is lig si sruthaigh)
- Be one with it and control will come (Bhi aon in si is bheith tar)
I remembered the monestary and how I was named Firecat out of fun. The feral in me would fly at will and send me running through the woods as a teen ro hunt with the wild gurrcats. Then trying to teach me to meditate with some success and failure. *smile* The feral was always rising in waves... but was never so strong as now. Maybe because I was just a teen, just experiencing puberty. I managed to learn to meditate. But it was difficult. And when i was captured for slavery, the feral turned me wild for a time till it was exhausted and the fact of my situation crushed that strength. Then i had twin daughters... And found the strength again... for them. Their death killed me in a way. I wrapped myself in such walls... I was cold as stone, afraid to get close to anyone. Just in case they were like my Master, or incase they too were taken from me like my daughters were.
My daughters...
Love...
Blimey... steady a friend... I wanted so to get closer to him, but was so afraid to. Now we are so distant, I even wonder about our friendship.
Bordesc... we were friends... I never wanted to be more with him... but the perceptions that I did ruined our friendship. *pained... feeling of loss and sadness*
Brem... a friendship with no bonds or expectations... we can be close or not and will always ne dear friends... I feel so safe with him... so unafraid.
Maxell... my tai'shan... my feelings for him are so jumbled. The intensity sometimes... often... too much for me. And I can think how I have ruined his life... Yet he loves me. His patience and his love... but the intensity... the bond stirs so strongly sometimes.
Deomo...wild, feral... we too share a bond... but not as strong as with maxell. I feel I can act of my own free will around him called... but not "driven". He was my enemy till I saw the man hidden behind his walls. A gentle, honourable man... proud...
The feral... in me...
This is why I do this...
These rites...
To get control of this...
before I do something like... forget who stands before me and kill them ... like someone I care about... like Brem... or Maxell... I was a breath away from that the other day on Dathomir with Maxell. That scared me. I... can't trust myself... This is why I am afraid of these rites.... What if I lose it here, and fail to regain control? WHat if the feral takes over and I kill? What if...
*weeps for a few minutes on the carpet*
If I am to be the priestess I started training for so very very long ago, I must be able to handle what comes at me... and not lose myself.
My first VOWS:
Be true to my word
Be true to my path
Be true to myself
My second VOWS:
Honour is the Law
Love is the Bond
I MUST come to terms with myself... must find:
peace, knowledge, serenity, The Force, Unity...
Control
When I was a child. my father wrapped me in his Force shields and induce control for me. When I was a teen, I just let it flow, and explored it with curiosity... it didn't control me... it was... in harmony with me. And my teachers taught me to work with it, techniques of control and focus... first fromn the Jedi... then from the monks (were they jedi? no... they couldn't have been... or they would not have perished at the hands of the trandoshan). In slavery, I buried myself so deep I felt almost nothing.more so after my daughters' death. Now I am relearning to connect with the world. I am losing that barely attained control. And discovering that it is more difficult to attain... so easy to get lost... the feral is like a demon that possesses me... with such strength. I cannot seem to fight it, hard as I try. My gifts are also stronger... and I do not know how to use them... they overwhelm me sometimes.
*Acceptance* *glacadh*
*Trust.... muinin*
These are my most difficult lessons for these trials to come.
---
Kimbrya came to let me know I should wait for Maxell in the ritual room. Brem and Deomo are already off to do their first trials : physical/mental challenges. Deomo passes me and touched my shoulder, lendding me some strength, wishing me well on what is before me, smiling and saying that he has confidence in me. I am left alone... so very alone in the Temple. Not even the ghosts are whispering. It is so ... quiet. Just me and my thoughts.
I am not really afraid... but am terribly uncertain. I know that I must do this. For myself. For those around me that I care about.
I feel so cut off. Brem is focused. Deomo too. Max is ... almost blocking me. I feel like I have gone deaf and blind. *a moment of panick as a vague dejavu sensation creeps in... then fades*
Max is here...
I do not know why I am trembling so much...
posted by scarletcougar at 9:46 PM
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