Yesterdays events...

I was awake a bit again. I had access to my datapad. Deomo is in a chair by my bed. I can still hear the humming in my mind. He must have hummed for me and our daughter all day and night. I can sense her energy resonating with his tunes. He hasn't left my side... and is still holding my hand. *relieved... calm... safe* The doctor said a specialist may be here tonite to see me. I am to remain in bed.

*sigh*

This has been a real scare. And I guess I can attribute it to yesterday's events.... the run from the Imperial squads.

So here is the journal entry that I could not upload before... sorry... it is very long:
-----

Sunday, January 29, xxx5

I sat and planned out several other things.
I looked over my current skills:
-Brawl: Master of Unarmed Combat Techniques
-Brawl: Master of 2-Handed Combat Techniques
-Medic: first aid & diagnoastics
-Master Scout (professional mastery)
-Ranger: Advance Camp Engineering
-Ranger: Field Bioscience Hunting Mastery

I assessed what I still needed to learn:
-Master Swordsman (professional mastery)
-Teras Kasi Arts: Master Meditative Techniques

These will come in time. I have to hold off on the hunting until I am past the critical phase of the pregnancy. Later today, after I speak with Kayon, I will sit down and try to remember my early training so I can then train Elca. Hm... Jedi Codes. I want to speak to Kayon about these. I will also do some research of my own. I can get a good connection to the Theed's Library if I camp not too far from the city. Also, I could stop at some of the Force Shrines or the Cantooine Jedi Temple Ruins and see if I can find anything in those places. I stopped in Coronet to get enhanced with some buffs from a doc... in anticipation of touring Dantooine. It is not a safe planet and I want to be well protected.

I stopped in Theed to see if the specialist was going to be around for me to see. I have to see a specialist in Zabrak birthing. The specialist was only to arrive Monday or Tuesday. As I was about to leave, a young girl, a Twi'lek, from SSS said hello to me. Deomo soon arrived. He thought we ought to meet. *shrug* Her name was Adriane. Her family had been killed on Ryl in a battle with the Imperials. Her mother was among the rare warrior class. Rarer still to think a woman in that class. She hopes to be as brave and strong as her mother was. *confused* I asked her why she was Imperial and part of SSS if they killed her family. She said that they had taken her in and raised her. That... she now owes all that she has and is to the Empire. She dreams of being a fine warrior. For now she is an armorsmith and a Teras Kasi Master ... her spirit ... I sense will be as strong as she hopes. She need only recognize that she already is. Deomo was a bit tough on her for being so lax and out of uniform. That I think is my fault... my lax influence. *smile*

Deomo ran a short errand while I said goodbye to Adriane and sought a goot spot to camp and research. A young brash Jedi named Gabrielle from EoTF came by as Deomo arrived. She was so cocky that I almost wished Deomo had not dropped the Bounty Hunter profession. She really needs to be slapped down hard. I hope she turns up on the terminals and gets hunted. It might teach her some humility and humbleness. Then again... maybe not. Then another rebel dropped into my camp. Korin. I looked up his bio... Oy... Slave Trader! HOW!?! *grrrrr* He is also a Bounty Hunter, so he and Deomo chatted. I focused on my research and tried to ignore him... or I might kill him without thinking.

Shortly after Korin left my camp... I found a semi-corrupted file and ran it through the rebel clean-up program on my datapad. Some scrawlings of Jedi Codes... I saved them for later reference. I will clean them up further later after I speak with Kayon.

Just as I packed my DP away, three squads of stormtroopers "stormed" my camp! They surrounded me and shoved me to the ground to search me. They searched me according to Imperial Directive 110774b. CONTRABAND! KARK! My sliced armor and weapons... and equipment. My rebel DP. KARK! Normally they would fine me. But this time they didn't. My name came up flagged on their Imperial scanners. KARK! They charged me and intended to punish me by Imperial Directive 121x-421c... which is Public Execution of a Rebel Agent!! Deomo stepped in. Pulled rank. Along the bond, he told me to run. I did. He bought me enough time to hop my swoop and take off. Deomo was soon behind me... as was a squad of stoopers... firing! Another squad landed ahead of me!! I plowed through them. *STRESS* I may be buffed... but I have no armor on!!! KARK! *TWINGE* Gods... not now. I swerved through a forest and around factories on an island and sped through the alleyways of some city. When we gained some distance, we pulled to a shuttle and hopped it to Moenia. Deomo kept me covered and fetched his ship. I needed to see a Rebel recruiter and get them to slice my name off the overt list. We sat in Deomo's new-smelling sorosuub. I was going through several very mild, almost imperceptable twinges... I needed to see the recruiter and then sit and relax. We flew to Rori... to the Rebel Outpost. Deomo stayed in the port in his ship... unseen. I walked out in search of the recruiter. I found him and had my name cleared. He warned me it would take about an hour and that I should lay low till then or hide out somewhere. Deomo said he would hide me in his ship till my name was clean again. *sigh*

I sat... feeling nauseous. Deomo needs more practice flying this ship. It doesn't handle like a tie-fighter. We sat in the top room. I watched him walk about. He... did not look well either. Pale and drained. He looked very wane. The pendant is having a very heavy toll on him. I can sometimes feel his pain, the struggle, the nightmares. They wake me from time to time. He is tired. I know he is no longer up to par for protecting me. It bothers him that he isn't. He sat down with me to explain this. He told me again about the tests he wants to do on his pendant... in the hopes that he finds a weakness. *worry*

*small wave of mild twinges* *breathe* I softly reached with my own energy to caress the energy within me that is not me... but the daughter I know I will have. *smile* I will be a mother. *smile* Easy my dearheart... we are both here for you.

The topic of conversation took a swing I did not anticipate. It was like something gripped both my heart and my lungs and squeezed hard without letting go. "Scar'let, our tai'shn bond must come to an end." *shock* "You and Max... belong together. No matter how much I love you... I know you are his... and I cannot live like this." *saddness & pain* His word tore me apart. I understood them. He was right. But... they still tore me apart. Gods... will I then never see him? Never train with him? Never sit in his lap for a moment of peace and tenderness? What about our daughter? *TWINGE* Gods... *dizzy* Several waves of medium twinges hit me. I couldn't breathe. I was ... *scared* I lay onto my side. *twinge* Deomo lay down with me and held me... humming to me and his daughter. Reaching for her, he soothed her with his energy and cradled her as best he could. She reached back to hold onto him. She recognizes his humming and his energy. *weak smile* The waves were small but I knew I was ghostly white. They eased... over 10 or 20 minutes. This was not right. When the waves mostly passed, Deomo flew us back to land in Theed.

I told him I needed to go to the med centre. I.. felt ill. He dashed ahead of me to ensure the way was clear. I walked in to not see Deomo. The room spun suddenly. I collapsed. My breath came short. Awareness waved in and out. *panic* Some woman lifted me onto a bed. She checked me out and administers an injection while her and Deomo spat harsh words at each other. *darkness* I must have been given a sedative. I tried to fight it as she ... drew blood from me? *darkness* When next I stirred, I saw many blue lights. "Rest easy, my love. I am here." Deomo took my hand and caressed my cheek. He sat and began to hum. Deep down... I was really scared. Awareness was a struggle. The humming was soothing. I drifted into darkness again...
---

Hospital?

I woke this morning in the hospital... in a private room. A doctor in an Imperial uniform was looking me over. And then gave me another sedative. I heard him say something about how I need bed rest right now or I will miscarry. I lay my head back on the pillow...

I didn't get to upload my journal.

I didn't get to meet with Kayon.

Max won't know where I am.

Where is Deomo? He takes my hand. *I am here*

*darkness*

Hmmm... Happy...

I woke this morning with mild nasea and light cramping. Welcome to the joys of pregnancy! I walked to the Orange Meditation Room and meditated there early this morning. The whispers of the temple constant in the back of my mind. It... is comforting to know it is there. Peace began to fill me. I called up the gurrcat that Max gave me. Koownye. She is here to remind me that Max loves me and is always with me... that I am never alone.

I thought about how despite the horrors of the Galactic Cilvil War, I am going to give birth to a daughter... and how much Deomo's heart glows with joy over this... his daughter. *smile* I thought how I fought and... showed leadership... and secured both Max's freedon and safety for the temple. And how lovely the blessing ritual went, how so many folks turned out for it and how they hope to see more happening here. I thought... wow... I have an accolyte. I thought... I remembered all the wonderful times I shared with Brem in the temple... how grateful I am for him to have been there with me from the beginning of setting up this temple. How we sat laughing and rolling on the new carpets while we played with the dancing bantha doll he made.

I thought how much love fills the heart and soul with the bonds of taishan. Brem still glows from it, even thought he is sad that his taishan has passed from the worlds. Her spirit will always be part of him. And I... I have two taishan. And they both love me. And I love them. I ... am very lucky.

In an ideal galaxy, I would love to be able to commit myself equally to both. But I cannot. Deomo... I give him a daughter. And already I can feel his focus there... on her... much more than on me. He has loved me... but the love he has for this tiny life growing inside me... greatly outweighs his love for me. And my heart... really wishes to commit to Max.

So... am I happy? *peaceful, content smile* Yes. I think I am.

I need to mark some sad things that have happened in our lives. But... I would like, I think, to also mark some happy ones.

I wonder... would Max... I mean... it is only a ritual with legal paperwork... but would he? *shy*
I... will ask him I think... when he gets back.

For now... I walked around the temple cleaning up the stray burne out candles. And looking at my agenda and To Do list.

Scattered thoughts & Plans

Max had to go away on an assignment for the weekend. He left me 100k creds to "go have fun with".... *??* I... don't know what to do with that. Um... look for armor maybe? I still need to take things easy. The discomfort of yesterday told me this. So I decided to do wome "desk work" and sort and plan things for the coming weeks. I walked into the office, noting the sign on the wall near its entrance. This sign is also a small containment pouch with hidden datadisks within. I quickly sifted through them, nothing that is of use yet, all partial messages. I stuffed them back in. *frown* I need to update the sign too. Hmmm... I will work on that tomorrow. I walked into the office and looked about. I faced the droid detection unit that flared quietly to let me know I am carrying my mouse droid in my pack. *smile* Under the arch was the painting of a krayt skeleton. Samoe candles and a couple torches warmly lit the room. Along the longest wall was the hunting skull I earned, the Krayt skull I received from Darklighter up on the wall, under it was the new security system's main unit, then the Tuskan accessories that Brem and I have earned (still incomplete... hmmm... need to hunt there again) on a display box lit with a candle and then the toolbox full of... stuff. Hmmm... need to sort that... later. To my right was the desk, a long large desk, two visitors chairs, one large office chair. On the table was the dataterminal, a lamp and a bantha doll *smile*. Behind the desk was the large WANTED sign for Luke Skywalker. I keep thinking I want to mount the spare Rebel flag in here ... to balance to WANTED sign. *shrug*

I sat to work on stuff. I set my DP on the desk and began transfering the information I needed to send to my officer and uploading my photos to the dataterminal to free the memory on my DP. I leaned back in the chair and pondered.

What and how will I teach Elca?
Will I be able to get my information for her on the Jedi codes?
How will I plan the memorial services for Kimbrya?
What will be my training plans... now that I am pregnant?
What will I name my daughter?

No... I don't want to name her yet. Not yet. *mild anxiety* Not till I am safely past the first trimester.

My training? I best take time to sit and remember exactly what WAS taught to me... go over it from the beginning in order. I can use that as the starting point for teaching Elca as Max suggests.

Elca... Kayon... I need to reach him and see if we can have a drink together. I want to talk to him about Elca and the Jedi codes. Then... then I think I will take a trip to the Jedi Ruins on Dantooine. I would ask the spirit of Fyrshka but she was never a Jedi. And Max is hanging onto the holocron at the moment *frown* and he is away on assignment dammit.

*sigh*

My mind keeps drifting... Thinking of Max... and Deomo... and their question to me of if I am happy... and why I have 2 taishan... What is the purpose? Why are they in my life? What is the grander scheme of things in the galaxy that the Force and Fate have brought us together?

*balance*

*!!!*

*balance*

What is THAT supposed to mean?

I looked at my timekeeper and noticed I have been working in here all day! No wonder I am hungry and tired!!! I left and ate and curled up to sleep. I will ponder and meditate on thing tomorrow. maybe do the running around to the ruins and all. *yawn*

Unanswered Question

Last night... I am not exactly sure what troubles me. When we, Max and I, arrived at the temple... I went from room to room to ensure all was well. Someone (Ebe?) had left a crate of flowers and a dantooine cammo kit in the ritual space. Unsure of the reason, I made a pack in the store room for here and moved them into it.

My mind was still mulling over Max's earlier question.

I noted the wonderful job that Elca and Brem have done with the temple. The burnt candles were disposed of, the place was tiry and welcoming, the kittens were played with and purring. The burnt out candle on Kimbrya's shrine was replaced. I am so proud of them. *beaming smile*

Max then went to kneel in Fyrshka's shrine. He was still suffering mildly from the disease he caught from the voritor. He didn't want me too close so as not to risk the baby. I came to sit in the room with him. I sat under the big flower of Alderaan... and watch him. I felt uncomfortable... a tension threatening to cause me a twinge.... I had done perhaps too much running around. So I sat. Peace slowing coming to me as the whisperings of the temple soothed me... and my pending cramp. *easy girl... we are done for the day... I am sitting*

He then asked me again... "Are you happy? What will make you happy, Scar'let?" Was it that obvious? Am I happy? I am not miserable... but... happy? Deomo had asked the same thing. I... I ... I just don't know. What IS happy? Have I ever been happy? I think I was happy when Brem and I played like children on the new carpet with the dancing Bantha he had made. Happy. Deomo is happy. When I told him he was to be a father... his eyes grew wide, a huge smile crept in to dimple his cheeks and his whole face lit up. He glowed with joy as it seemed to overflow. I... want to see Max like that. I ... want to feel like that. Max's heart has been so heavy of late... and thus so has mine. Naw Max has come to terms with all this... a peace of sorts. As have I. But am I happy? I was still mulling it over... thinking on how to answer Max... when Ebe arrived at the temple.

Ebe was unsure about coming in, not wanting to disrupt our privacy. Doesn't matter. I was glad for the interruption. I never want her to feel unwelcome, for any reason. She ... as it turns out, was not really upset with Max or anyone... just frustrated with where her path in life was going. She walked from the Empire, resigned her duty. Now she is trying to figure out who she is and where she wants to go with her life. We talked. I sat. I had to... or I would have twinges. I asked her if she was still up for being my midwife as she had asked Max about. *smile* She was. She had left the flowers for me and a congradulations on the conception. I grew tired very quickly though. ANd she was already tired herself from hunting. So Max set up one of the rooms downstairs for her with the starscape he had over the bed... to give Ebe the sence of being beneath the stars. I curled up in our own tiny bed and waited fro him to curl up with me. *twinge* Dammit. *breathe* *breathe* *easy* The twinge eased. Max curled up with me and placed a hand warmly over my belly. This soothed it immensely. And I slept with ease.

A Favor

I woke... well... ok, some discomfort... but otherwise, well. I woke to Max... watching me for a change. *blushing smile* I felt the colour flush my cheeks. I am not sure why. In some ways, it seems like Max can see right through me, sense my very thoughts. In some ways, Max and I know each other so well... by instinct. But, in truth... what do we really know of each other... our hopes and dreams... His closeness stirs me. And then... there is always a crisis. Elca was being hunted. *sigh* I asked Brem to look in on her. She was safe after all.

Somehow... I don't thing Max and I use our time together very well. Maybe now that things are settling down... we will have the opportunity to talk. When Deomo and I are together, we have always just regarded it as a moment... and used it well. His gentle touch... so hesitant... Max is different. Max is a driving force of curiosity. And yet... I do not think he really knows me. He has never hesitated with me. He throws himself into the foray whole-heartedly. I wonder where it will lead us all.

He was now regarding me with his deep blue eyes... deep blue like the lakes of Naboo. Love in those eyes. I was lost in them for a moment. Then my datapad alarm went of with its reminder. *sigh*

REMINDER: A favor I promised: Thursday, January 27, xxx5: Check on Dolch's residences, help yourself to anything you feel you need.

I asked if Max could come with me. He didn't really want me trapsing about on my own just yet anyways. And truly... this was going to be alot of trapsing... potentially dangerous trapsing. I got buffed in Hendola just to be safe.

We caught the shuttle to Theed and drove out to Dolch's Casa on Naboo. OH! I was locked out. I know Dolch has not been here in a very long time, since his guild had moved to Dantooine. Locked out though... I could not see where the maintenance status was at. I hope he has someone else who will check on it who does have the security codes. This house was a small round hut of Naboo style near the Northern beaches. It was gorgeous. I had to allow my curiosity some freedom. *GRIN* I drove my swoop across the lake to where is joined the sea. Wow... it was breathtaking. I marked a wp for later. I want to come back here and camp with Max. As we drove back to Theed, I detoured to show Max the lookout I had found the other day. We stopped a moment to stand upon the wooden platform looking over the factories below. There were many critters about. And as we flew off on our swoops, Mauraders spang from the clefts om the nearby mountain. A couple shots grazed my bike and glanced off my armor. Max yelled for me to keep going, to not stop till I reached Theed. He lept off his swoop to allow them to think he was the easier target. Boy were they wrong. Max is an excellent shot. They barely got a chance to get him in their sights before he dispatched them.

AT Theed, we boarded Max's ship and headed to Bestine. I had only taken a guess. I had not been to Dolch's Tattooine casa. I had only been to Fyrshka's sanctuary, which is in his care. Bestine was the closest port! When we stepped off the ship, I pulled out my datapad and checked the wp... yup... I guessed good! Bestine. Max wanted to pok into the City Hall and see what was up with the current politics. The city was crawling with Imperials! I was a bit edgy. He walked about like it was normal. He leaned over to me when he saw me hesitating about going further. I asked him, what was up with all the Imperial troopers. He replied with ease... It is Bestine. It is always like this. Oh... In the City Hall, Sean was currently in power, with Victor struggling to make the next election. Sean had a small problem. One of his historical researchers needed a hand finding data in an old wreckage that was uncovered. Hmm... this could be interesting. So we went out to have a look. We both found some corrupted data disks. The researcher told us to bring them to Sean for analysis. Well.. the data turned up some skeletons in Sean's closet... he asked us to... make the info "disappear" by passing it to a contact of his. Ehn... whatever. I understand about skeletons. I am tired of seeing them... i didn't want to know the details. We went and delivered the disks to Sean's contact and returned to tell him so and show the proof from the contact. He awarded us each with a painting. Gorgeous night skyscape. I will tuck mine into my storage on my sorosuub for later... with the rest of the growing collection.

Out at Dolch's Tattooine casa, I felt a sense of Fyrshka in the house. Hmmm... wonder if they spent time here together or something. A sandstorm came up and Max and I sat in the house till it passes. The maintenance was good for another 35 days. I looked through the packs. Wow... tons of crystals! There was tantel armor. I had not seen any before. Just a helm and chestplate. I liked the look of them, but their quality was poor. There was a padded chestplate too. I was suddenly reminded of the wooly padded chestplade Eeseefa had made for me partly as a favor to Blimey. I missed it. It was very good quality. I wish I had some this time. It is less encumbering than the composite armor. But there doesm't seem to be anyone who makes any. The market is flooded with just composite armor.

Next stop... Dantooine. I was a bit concerned. WIKAN's new city out here is heavy Rebel Alliance. I did not want to be surprised by anything and have them kill Max. So we traveled out cautiously. I let my curiosity take us down a road to where I was considering moving the temple if I had to. To move it under the WIKAN's protection. It was still a nice spot. Then carefully we walked through the smill city to Dolch's casa. Inside I was caught ... shocked... by several things. *!!* First were paintings I had never seen before. The most interesting was the fiery orange one labeled BIO-ENGINEER in Aurabesh. But was shocked me more... were all the bits of Imperial uniforms and devices. *I thought Dolch was Rebel! He recruited me!!* *CONFUSED* I will have to speak to him on this when I get a chance to make contact with him. He is supposedly deep undercover somewhere. I spotted a good pair of Ubese Armor pants and put them in my pack. he had mentioned them to me on several occasions... I now picked them up. They will be good for hunting. He had other interesting things: bubble tank and glowing mystical orb. Where did he get those? On our way out, I checked the maintenance on the house,. It was good for 60 days.

My task complete, we drove cross-country back toward the temple. Pausing now and agin to stretch. On one pause, Max asked me... if I was happy... But then a critter invaded our rest and we headed out. I thought. I pondered. But I could not answer him. I... didn't know.

Funny... months ago, I wondered about love and friendship and trust. And the meanings of these words in my life... as they were so foreign to me at the time I arrived here. Now... the new word is happy. Am I happy? Hm. We need to get to the temple. We still had a long drive ahead of us. And I drove it in silence.

A moment of true peace...

I had a small mishap with my ship when I went to get my backpacks. I accidentally hit something and the ship launched. CRAP. I stood a moment in panic. Normally I set the autopilot for the sorosuub... but now... it launched... And I am not ecaxtly sure how to fly it. Memories of crashing through brush on Yavin 4 flooded my mind a moment and I felt tension rise. Then I saw the spaceport. *phew* I sat. I can do this... it is like my y-wing. And the port is real close by.

Deomo: Hehehe.. Max... should I go get her? Or will you?
Max: *snicker* My tie is parked here on Naboo... I am closest... hehe... I will go get her.

*growl*
I am not competely inept. Now if I did not see the spaceport landing thingy... then I would have a problem.

Deomo & Max: Is that a Rebel technical term?

*PLLTTHHH!!!*

I flew in and landed with minor bumps. *PLTTH*

As I stepped out of the Theed starport, I saw Max, waylayed by another much older Master Creature Handler. A wookie named Milteck. He had rare pets and he and Max seemed deep in conversation. I came and looked on. Then a young woman, Tayanna Yar, approached and joined the talk and asked Max many questions. I called up Koownye and sat with her while I waited for Max to extricate himself from the conversation. I didn't want to push as I know he loved to talk pets and handling. *smile* No wonder he enjoys the spirit of Fyrshka. And it was enjoyable to listen. AND I was just plain glad to be out of the med centre!! I made a brief mention to Max that the doctors wanted to do tests and that I would love Avios to do them. I did however leave out that I spent the day in the med centre, I didn't want him worrying for nothing.

We hopped the shuttle to Hendola where we took our mounts out to the wp I marked yesterday. On the way... we saw the giant peko pekos... wow... *smile* We came across a squad of troopers. Max dismounted and saluted the officer. They exchanged pleasantries and we headed off. I noted... for later information/informant that there are new troopers. Black clad Standard Stormtrooper armor... with yellow striming down the helm, arms and legs. How strange. I wonder if the runor is true that they have cloned a new type of trooper and trained them with advanced firepower. I was asked to look into it... to test it. But... I have to be careful with how and what I risk. She... *blessed child* come first in my life. I can't risk her. So perhaps those orders... like many others... will just have to wait or be passed on.

We trekked onward till we reach my wp. It was still stunningly beautiful and serene. 2000m from Hendola and 1000m from Karen. I set up a camp... and we just relaxed here... for a couple hours. I want a sanctuary out here. I thought... maybe another temple. But... I can barely handle the one I have... and I just want to run away from it and camp... the ranger in me craves just getting away. Maybe... maybe a personal sanctuary... with a roof... a place... *whispers* for just me and Max....

Max noted it getting late and me getting drowsy. So i packed up the camp and he checked for trash. We then sent out Mounts to play in the fields and took our swoops back to his Hendola home to sleep. Serenity... this was a good day... for a change.

All is well with her...*RELIEF*

I woke in my ship... parked... in Theed. Max was already off taking care of some duties. I was still feeing some mild twinges, so I took myself over to the med centre. They kept me there almost all day under observation. I was only just released. The doc insisted on bed stay and did several annoyingly intrusive tests on my womb. In the end, he assured me all was still well with my daughter. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

I was still to have continued relax time and not too too much running around.
He also said that since I am an Iridonian-born woman as is the father, that this is likely why I am having there complications. That these are common. And if I were on Iridonia... I would likely have already miscarried. *OY* He wanted to do some geno-tests. He wanted to take blood samples and embryonic samples to do some further testing on DNA and genetic reviews to compare against other studies for further information. I refused. Maybe later. I would rather someone I know do these. I know what some of the results are... but I was also unwilling ofr him to know... like the feral strains. Hmmm... could that also be a factor? I will ask Max to speak with Avios. I think I would prefer Avios to do the tests and comparisons.

Oh, phewie. I forgot my backpacks in the ship.

Quelling Anxiety

*mild twinge*

Easy girl... I am just meditating in the gazebo. The running around is over... But i still felt no energy from her. *worry*

Max was there. Almost surprised me... but I felt him coming. He was still a ball of emotional pain... pain I just cannot heal. We talked. I let him vent. He needed to. He needed to talk out how he felt... even if it hurt for me to hear it. Finally the dust settled, the emotions calmed... and the tears were wiped away. We will work through this. Together. Somehow.

Something was up with Deomo. I did not know what... but he was having issues of discomfort and distrust. *???* Then all was quiet and he was at ease along the bond.

Shotly after... Cauil commed me. *!!!* He... said I was welcome in the city... in Emperium!!!
*stunned* He said nothing more than that. Short. Curt. To the point. No reasoning. Must have been Deomo's doing. *relief* I was worrying slightly in the back of my mind... if I am carrying Deomo's child and can't see him in his city... or when she is born and in his care... how would I go there? Well... problem solved. I will still make that a rare thing. Emperium does not hold good experiences for me at the moment. Mostly bad ones with a few... very few good-ish ones.

Max and I then ... finally started our time away. We traveled to Theed and boarded my sorosuub. I asked him to fly us somewhere pretty. Then when we stopped, he put together this new security system that he wants to install in the temple. Wow... it was BIG! He asked if he could take over the office. He wanted to handle all the administrative stuff of the temple. *smile* *RELIEF* I... I get to share this with someone. *RELIEF* He packed it away after ensureing that he had all the parts for it.

The location Max flew us to... WOW!! I got up to the top deck and WOW! It was the most amazing sight!!! Fiery red nebulas with two bright white stars! I pressed my face to the window to try to see it all. WOW!! Incredible! Gorgeous!! Max just stood watching me with a smile of almost bemusement on his face. I must have looked like a kid in a candy store told they could buy whatever they wanted.

*mild twinge*

I sat. I was tired out. Max took me in his arms and soothed me. I purred. He reached to cradle my child with his energy. And she reached back to him. *THANKFUL* I felt it!! I felt her!! Oh thabk gods.... I fell asleep shortly after. Somewhere, I snesed him get up and land the ship... but I slept on.

A troubling day...

I woke in the early afternoon... Aching slightly. I did not sleep well.
I was bundled in my cloak... and Max was... gone... *?!*

My thoughts were still heavy. And I could feel max was still upset. And why not... the news I delivered... crushed him. I am commited to Max in so many ways... and yet carry the child of another within me.

.....

I need to get some air. I was feeling claustraphobic...

I wandered Hendola. I was bored. I needed a distraction from these troubling thoguhts of the night before.

I wish I was happy about all this. I have made one man I care about so very happy and the other so very very miserable. I feel like bantha poodoo.

I drove out towars Karen City. Giant Peko Peko!! Nests and nests of them! I have never seen any before. Wow! I so wanted to hunt... or just sneak in for a feather, That would be an awesome addition for the Air wall of the temple! But... no... no hunting. I dare not risk it. I dare not risk losing her.

I sat and watched them for a bit. They are magnificent! Multiple tails... brilliantly coloured plumage. Max grew concerned and asked me to keep my distance. *don't spoil my fun... I was only watching* *sigh* I moved on... out into the marshes... wow... It was... so... beautiful. Why oh why did I not see this when I was planning to put up a temple? This is a perfet place! 1000m from Karen and 1000m from Hendola. Lakes. Grass. Trees. Hills. Marsh. Beautiful. Peaceful. I set up a small camp and sat there a while... just enjoying it. *small smile* This was like my gurring it so long ago.

And yet. I was alone. I felt so ... alone. My heart sank. I can feel it. Max... distant, hurting in a way I can never heal. *choking up* Just as my tears filled my eyes... a transport ship dropped 3 squads of black clad stormtroopers each squad with some giant trooper on steroids. *nervous* I quietly packed my camp, marked the wp in my DP (DataPad) and crept away through the brush.

I quietly walked my swoop to a fair distance, climbed on and sped away... to Karen. I heard there were races there. So I located the race director and looked at the record holder... just to see if I recognized the name. Then headed back out to a little spot I so wanted to share with Maxell. A gazebo... out into the water of one of the plateaus.

My heart still felt heavy. And I knelt to try to meditate. *worry* I haven't felt the energy of my child all day...

Am I happy?

Deomo asked this when I told him he was the father. "Are we happy?"

I think I have spent so much time freaking out, stressing, worrying, ill, or in pain... I never really thought about it. And the brief moments I had... I am ashamed to say that... that I wished I wasn't. The grief it has caused... The stress...

I have wanted to hide and cry and not see anyone... regretting ever having come to this galaxy... so many times over the last few months. All I have done is ruin and upset the balance of so many lives... when all I wanted to do was live my life freely... and at peace. But Fate has dealt me a terrible blow and now I am pregnant. And the strain of who the father is and the implications and how to manage things after...

Why? WHY!!??!! Why can't things just settle down and live and let live for a while!? WHY!?! do I have to have all this hardship and responsibility? Why does Max's life have to be made so complicated my my actions? WHy does Deomo's life have to be wrought with curses and interferences!? WHY WAS I CHOSEN TO STAND IN THE KARKING MIDDLE!!!!????

Am I happy?
What do you think?

*breaks down and cries for several hours in the dark of the balcony where she cannot be seen nor heard*

*PAINFUL TWINGE*

Oh gods...
This child is not to blame. She did not choose this fate. And... I am happy to have her. I was so sure I would never be able to have a child. And here she is... within me. Max... is devastated. And that... pains me so very terribly. Part of me so wished she was his. But to see the look on Deomo's face. The light and shone from his eyes. The smile that grew to dimple his cheeks.

I hope this is enough.

*easy girl... I don't want to lose you... and will never give you up*

*meditates for another hour, then walks back down to curl up near the pool and watch Maxell sleep... sleep claimer her again*

Telling Deomo he will be a father...

Max rushed me to the med centre. Damn thes waves of pains and cramps. I bet it is the stress... on top of everything else. Why not? Fate seems to be bound to kill me and torture me.

I lay for a time on the bed. Max soothing me and the child...waiting for the doctor to arrive. Deomo arrived first. Max was fretted and worried.... Hurt... and left right away, with a parting word to Deomo... "Reach out to the child Deomo... it seems to soothe it and her... and ease the pain."

He hummed a bit to me and the child. He was worried too. The pains were severe... and frequent.... in waves, like contractions. Oh gods... I am going to miscarry. Oh gods please no. When the waves settled, I told Deomo....

Deomo. I had the tests done last night. I know who the father is.
Deomo. She is yours.

He stammered. He stuttered. He asked if this was a good thing. Uh... in what sense? of course it is... isn't it? Am I happy? Ask me that in a few days when all the fallout and debris settles.

The doctor came... *worried* and took several tests.... *worried*
It is as I feared. I nearly miscarried. Oh gods.
I need serious downtime. SERIOUS downtime. Bedrest is what he would prefer... i am in the high-risk category. Serious downtime and calm very very calm for the next few days. Easy on the training and activity and stress till the end of the first trimester. If I make it through the first trimester... Then I am ok. And so is she. Deomo understood my need to be with Max. I was feeling so... Max deprived. I ... never seem to be able to get time with Max wothout some sort of crisis. Deomo talked with Max about what the doc said..while I lay there. The doc was reluctant to let me go. Deomo took me out to the library grounds for a last talk.

He swore... swore he would be everything a father could be for our daughter. Understanding that I am commited to Max. But our daughter will not want for anything. He would love her with all his heart and ensure she is well provided for.

Max... felt odd... along the bond.

Deomo had to return to duty. Max would ensure I had downtime... if he locked me in a house he would. I know him. I walked back to the cantina. Dammit Max! Drunk... but not on spice, thankfully. I hauled is ass out and to Hendola and made sure he took a dunk in the pool. That sobered him. *snicker* We sat and talked and slept. We said we need to talk more later... that he is holding me to my word on something. *smile*

I am true to my word Max. I say what I mean and mean what I say.

I love you.

Telling Maxell who the child’s father is…

When things began to wind down at the party, Max and I drove out to camp along the seashore. We found a nice grassy spot near the beach.

*twinge* Dammit… again. I knelt and took a few breaths while preparing to set up camp.

Once the camp was up Max and I talked a bit. I told him I met with Avios last night. And how much Avios is like his father. And that I had the tests done for paternity. *stress*

*twinge* ouch

I could feel his anxiety rise. Max was concerned. About me. About the baby. About who was father.

I told him. I told him he was not the father.

I knew there would be an onslaught of emotion. I knew. But no matter how prepared you are for it… you are never really prepared.

He raged.
He anguished.
He was devastated.

It hit me so hard along the bond. *PAIN… TWINGE* Wave after wave of twinges came. I tried to ignore them. Tried to comfort Max. Tried… oh gods… this hurt. Max’s sense of loss… the cramping… *fear* Will I lose her?

Many things went through Max’s mind. I tried to explain to him my commitment to him. My love for him. That I would… I would marry him if he wanted… if that was a way to secure my commitment in his eyes. I did not want to lose him. Oh gods please no… I think he accepted the situation. Deep down, I know it was still tearing him apart.

*CRAMP* *gasp* I doubled over. I was scared to miscarry. I was afraid. I thought I was going to die. Max was scared too, I think. I needed a doctor. But I dared not move. Wave after painful wave. It has been more often, more frequent and more painful today. Oh gods. *wince*

Max insisted we get me to Theed to see a doc. And to tell Deomo. He needed to know too. That the child was his.

Max… please… do not leave me. *scared*

Daily Distractions

Oy. This was really troubling my mind. I was so distracted. I wandered Hendola for hours before I remembered I was looking for a Teras Kasi trainer. I boarded the shuttle to Theed. maybe there will be a Master wandering about there who could teach me, as Hendola has no trainer.

In Theed, I stood about the starport with my datapad searching for a master. I asked everyone who got off a ship. *sigh* no one. Hours past and night came. I was exhausted. Finally I asked Deomo if there were any trainers at all on the planet of Naboo. He told me to try Kintan. OH! Hmmm... ok. Off I went to Kintan. and YAY! there was a trainer willing to train me for 6000 creds. He was among many trainers sitting and talking "shop" in a gardern just outside the shuttleport. YAY! Finally... some official training in the new skills of focus and meditation. I hopped the shuttle back to Theed and headed to the cantina for a drink and to watch the novices practice their dancing. (blocking my ears against the novice musicians tonite though)

I tried again to see a doc in Theed, but there just wasn't any around. So to the cantina I went. My mind a turmoil of what to do... and the worry of the twinges I have had the past few days... and how to tell Max and Deomo about the child.

I watched ramndom novice dans and boosted them so they could keep dancing. I left my drink... forgotten. I was so lost in thought that I never noticed Maxell coming in and sitting at a distance to watch me. *frown* He was so subtle... like a gurrcat creeping up in the grass. *smile* I went and sat with him a moment and he asked how I was feeling. I told him I was alright. I was now... no twinges at the moment. I didn't want to worry him. I didn't need to feel his worry on top of mine and Deomo's.

He asked if I would accompany him to a small party for friend of his who is leaving for a long while. I was not really comfortable, but if a friend of his is leaving... he ought to go. So I said I would go with him. He assured me it would not be crowded and that I did not need to dress fancy.

We drove out to the beaches of the North shore. The water was wonderful. I was surprised. I had never really been near the ocean or the sea... on any planet. The sound of the waves was soothing. Everyone had the pets with them, so I called Koownye, the gurrcat Max gave me. I stood away from the crowd and just watched them. To have a bit of fun, I sent Koownye off to shadow people. *grin* I went later and sat closer to the water to watch the goings on. I realy was not very comfortable with a whole lot of people I did not know and me not really in the social mood. I sat in the sand with Koownye and max brought three of his cats over to sit with me. I felt shy and very out of place. I had too much on my mind. Max came over to sit and hold me from time to time. The folks were having duels for fun, racing pets, having a bikini contest, and then auctioning off folks as dated for the night.

*twinge* dammit *breathes and tries to ease the small waves* I have not been doing anything but sitting here. Ok... maybe stressing.

I pulled out my new datapad and some of the old notes I had gathered from the temple to go through "work stuff" to distract me. I was very quiet. I think ... no I am sure Max noticed I was not myself. Oh crap. Notes from Kimbrya... last request to type and email two notes from her. To Deomo and to Cauil. *sigh* I focused on that for a bit. Max came to sit with me. He sat behind me and I snuggled inbetween his legs so he could wrap his arms easily about me. I kept working on the emails. Oy. They gave me a sinking feeling too. *small twinge* *grumble* *stop that*

We looked like cuddled lovebird... some of the folks from the party came over and commented so. *smile* I leaned back and relaxed in Max's arms.

Fitfull

I did not sleep well. The dreams... the nightmares... plagues me.

I tossed and turned. I half woke with stomache pains.

I dreamed of miscarrying.

I dreamed of the spirit in Deomo's pendant claiming him to the path of the Shadow Ancestors too early in his life.

I dreamed of Deomo no longer knowing me... abandoning... *gasp* Breking the bond.

I dreamed of Max... furious, hurt, shocked... devastated and leaving... our bond breaking.

I dreamed of pain... terrible pain...

*TWINGE* *PAIN*

I woke suddenly... in pain... ill... I crawled to the wasteroom and vomited till there was nothing left. My nerves a wreck. What will I tell Max? What will I tell Deomo? How?

I decided to walk off the cramping. I wandered Hendola. Maybe I will go find a Teras Kasi trainer and learn meditation. Perhaps that will help....

Avios Tests for Paternity

I don't know whether it was the realization that I was in serious pain or the realization that I might not trust him to do this and take myself to someone less qualified. His whole attitude changed... like the feral had risen and sudden abated. He helped me back inside and sat and just talked ... talked... for a long time putting me at ease. Slowly... it became easier and easier to talk to him. He is SO much like his father.

Finally eased and calm. He brought in his med droid. I took off my jacket and laid back. He prepared to take the test sample, using nanotech-bots to retrieve some microscopic amounts of embryonic fluid for the DNA and gene sample. *nervous* It took only 15min. to get it. It din't hurt. Was a bit uncomfortable... but not painful. Avios kept the talk light. The time flew by. The sample was taken before I realized it. *nervous* He took the sample to his lab and returned. We discussed some of the what ifs.... and some of what I hoped... like further commitment.... *sigh*

The results were then wired to Avios' datapad.

And then he told me.

*Panic*
*anxiety*

Oh gods. *relief mixed with panic*
Oh gods... What do I tell Deomo? What do I tell Max? How? Oh gods...
I couldn't breathe... I frantically ran for the balcony... I needed air. Oh gods... what do I do?

Avios handed me my jacket and told me to put it on. My mind was wsimming. I put it on without thinking. He led me... numb... back to the carpet by the pool. I don't know whether he gave me a sedative... but I don't remember much. I just curled there and darkness claimed me quickly.

Encountering Avios

I hiked back to Theed. There were no docs in the med centre. Oh well. *sigh*I went to Hendola to sit and meditate on Max's balcony

Avios contacted me. *nervous* he got my request. His harsh words reminded me just how much trouble and complication I seem to bring to his family. *emotionally pained* Gods... I wish it wasn't like that. I wish... *cry* His temper is quick to rise. His words cut deep and stressed me more than I thought they would. I dashed away my tears as he approached the house. There were several tense moments, tense words exchanged. My nerves ran high. Nevermind. It was a mistake to ask him. I will go see a doc or find another geneticist.... or something. I was already running for the door. He was quicker and stopped pasted the front stairs. I just stod there... so... uncertain. Gods... who else could I ask to do this? My breath came short. I felt myself flush and then pale. Gods... am I going to faint again? Then the pain *TWINGE* I doubled over in the doorway. Wave after intense wave. Oh gods... please... please do not miscarry. *please*

Hunting with Deomo

Deomo has not been sleeping well. He struggles constantly with that pendant. I can sense the nightmares and darkness that haunt his dreams. I have tried to ease them when I am woken by them. He is now suffering terrible headaches from the struggle. Being more calm and balanced now than when Max suffered his headaches... I rememebred something my dad used to do for me when I had a headache. I thought it was Zabrak magic! *reminiscent smile* Maybe it was just a kids desire to believe. Maybe my dad really used the Force or something. *shrug* I will try it on Deomo if he lets me.

When Deomo commed me about the spare vibroknuckler (VK), I was glad to hear from him. I want to spend some time with him before Max and I depart for a few days. He said it was my turn to just pick the place... wherever I want to hunt. Oh goodie! I need to get away from the pink flowers of Dantooine. I thought about the squill caves again... then... hmmm... green. I wanted to see serious greenery. Endor. Dolch had once taken me training on Endor at a place called the jinda caves. Yes. That is where I wanted to hunt and train today.

I headed out there right away and set up a camp not too far from the Smuggler's Outpost. There I meditated and assessed my body. The twingy cramp earlier was quite gone. *shrug* I seemed in good form. I was calm and focused. When he arrived, I asked if he would trust me to try to take his headache away. He agreed, willing to try anything at this point. He set down his Pike and I asked him to take off his helm. Gods... he was pale. I was seriously concerned. Maybe we shouldn't hunt today. His temples still throbbed with the pain of the headache. I directed him to kneel... he is considerably taller than me. He knelt. I placed my left hand gentle on the back of his neck. Took a meditative breath. With my right hand, I stroked his brow three times. Then I leaned down and pressed my lips to his brow, nearly between his eyes, for a count of seven and release the soft kiss... and hopefully the headache. He looked up at me mildly surprized... and relieved. *smile... Dad... your magic works* I then gave him a soft kiss and asked if he was up for hunting or if he would rather rest. Oh no. He was very much up for a hunt now. *smile* I have a magic touch apparently. *GRIN*

I looked up the jinda caves. They are a POI. Off we went to hunt there. The hunting was ok... not as populated as the squill caves. We then hunted through the woods a bit... boar wolves. Once back at the outpost, we traveled back to Theed. We hopped on our swoops and he followed me while I wandered about looking for a place to set up a camp. I found us a spot of new forest. And put up a small camp.... until the rain came. Then I pulled it down and put up a fieldbase... for the canape. I do not like the rain.

*painful twinge* Dammit. That is now twice. It only lasted a moment. But it was painful. Deep in my abdomen. There was a look of concern in Deomo's eyes. I assured him I was ok. We flopped on out backs to listen to the birds, and crickets, and pitterpatter of the rain on the canape. I rolled over onto his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me. *smile* *contented sigh* I needed some time like this with him... before leaving for a few days with Max.

*twinge* This one lasted in small waves for several minutes. *nervous* Deomo insisted that I ease off the hunting and training for a bit. He watched me woth concern. Then... reached along our bond to the unborn... trying to soothe her, speaking to her and hummung to her. *smile*

I asked him what he would do if she were not his. He said... he would step aside. Not interfere in my family with Maxell. That he would see me only for training. *sad* I enjoy his company. He and I are close. Closer than Brem and I... but very similar. I love him. Much like I love Brem. Deeply, trustingly... but... I do not have the desire I did in the beginning. The taishan bond driven desire for intimacy. I am content with his love and friendship. I would be sad if he avoided me. I think he loves me more than I can love him. *sad* I am sorry for that.

I then asked him what he would do if she were his daughter. He vowed, that if she were... he would devote his lofe to her... be the best father anyone could hope for. That she would have all his love and never want for anything. She would come first in his life. *smile* He did not want to have to share her with Maxell though. It hurts him enough to have to share me. He vowed, that when there were things that Maxell really had to be involved in, he would come to take her and care for her. Knowing that my commitments are to the temple and Max... this was going to be somewhat difficult. But we would work it out. I am commited to Max in every way... just... not... signed and sealed on any legal paper.

*PAINFUL twinge* CRAP. This was several sharp waves for many minutes. Oh gods... *nervous* Worried, Deomo gathered me into his arms and held me... and soothed me. I am genuinely scared. Now that I am sure that I am pregnant, I want this child... and these twinges... gods... I don't want to lose her. He cradled us (me and the unborn) physically and along the bond. He hummed for maybe hours? Till everything within me eased and calmed. I almost dozed.

I would have dozed if my mind was not so busy thinking of the what ifs. And planning the 101 things I had to do in the coming weeks. He told me to be sure I take a break, like he did... away from these responsibilities. I nodded. *smile* I am sure Max will see that I don't even have my datapad on me... or my comm. Well, I hope not. I need to write. It helps me think. Deomo wanted to stay longer, but I insisted he go off. He wanted to do more hunting before his vacation was over. I needed some solitary time... time to myself to thinks and relax. I promised him I would go see a doctor on my way back to Theed.

blessings & annoyances

I woke this morning to a sleeping Max. *smile* This is one of my favourite moment. He looked peaceful curled close to me. I lay there watching him for nearly an hour, running my fingers through his hair. Humans have so much hair... it is fascinating. Hm. I am not nauseous. *relief* But I am beginning to stiffen and cramp from all the hunting. *sigh* I took a long LONG hot shower. Then a sat a few more minutes with Maxell while I wrote him a note. He stirred a bit as I kissed him, but did not wake.

I needed to head out and finish up a few thing and see Deomo one more time before Max and I parted for our "vacation".

I went to the temple and gathered some paperwork that had accumulated on the office desk and in my storage pack. I will look at it later today or tomorrow morning. Then I headed out to the Rebel base and reported in. I got some reprimanding for being scarce. But at least they understood my reasons. I passed them the information I had gathered... not that I thought it remotely useful even to them. They glanced through it... and well... I was right. It was useless. I then did a final upload of the info on my cracked datapad... and GOT A NEW ONE!!! YAY!! Let's see how long this one lasts.

-*check* got new datapad

Sigh. Then I was asked to look into some activity that concerned the officers. Something about transmissions ... Imperial transmissions coming from Wanders End. How strange. Wanders End if very Rebel. So I headed out to look. And crap! There were two base camps set up in a nook of a hill and one had a transmission tower. Dammit. I crept closer to see if I could at least get a full count. They had a ranger cover thir tracks so my tracking was inacurate. I am out o practice. I was really out of practice. I tripped a wire. And they came at me firing all guns! I fought. I struggled. I got shot. An energy shot numbed ny left arms and another caught me in the gut and I fell. I lay for a moment, waiting for them to come in close, thinking I was unconscious or dead. I summoned up the feral... And unleashed my fury upon them. Then smashed their tower and flags.

*twinge* Oh... cramp. I sat for a moment to catch my breath.

Then headed for Azrith to check the mall for aromor. I am out of spaces and don't like to be this unprepared... just in case. Dammit. *!!??!!* I am locked out of the mall!! What the?!? Damn. kark.

Ok... I went to the shuttle and sat to fix my vibroknuckler while waiting for it to arrive, KARK! I broke it. *grumble* Deomo commed me to let me know he had a spare for me. *sigh*

Winding Down... and Cradling the Unborn

*smile* Yes... this has been a long overnight. *smile* But a FUN one!!

On our way back to my ship in Mos Eisley. I brought Max out to the Tombs of MosEisley. We sat and meditated there a for a few moment. I contacted Elca on my comm and let her know that we were heading to Theed.

Looking back on the checklist...
- *check* The maintenances are covered
- *check* Brem is ok about caring for the temple

Met Elca. She was lovely and dancing to earn enough experience for her Novice Dancer's Certification. I sat to watch her. And we talked. I asked her to look after the temple ... trusting ti in hers and Brem's hands. She was so very honoured. I asked her to go in and play with the kittens. Then I asked if she could make spiritual trees for the temple to replace the ones on either side of the Gong on the Earth wall. Honour. Love. For the Temple's main code. She aksed what the code was. I replied Honour is the Law, Love is the Bond. She seemed troubled. Her heart is so wrapped in affection for Kayon. And he so tied to the current Jedi codes. I promised to look into the codes. I have a small lead. I will find what I can while I am away.

-*check* Elca will watch over the temple with Brem
-*check* ordered my trees from Elca

Max and I stopped into the med centre to heal out cuts then headed out to his place in Hendola. He rearranged the trees. *smile* Looks good.

*nervous*

I asked him to contact his son, Avios. I wanted to try to meet Avios this weekend. To have tests done... to determine patertinity of the child I carry. *nervous* It is only 3 weeks into the pregnancy. I confirmed this with a private doctor ... but now I want to know who the father is... for their sakes. Technically it shold be done at 9 weeks. It is easoer to do then... but there are tests that can get DNA at 3 weeks. And if any human DNA shows up... then I will know that Max is the father. If no human DNA shows... then she is Deomo's. *stressed* Max is worried the tests will harm the child. I am pretty sure they won't... but now he is making me a bit nervous. Nervous for the tests and nervous for the results.

-*check* request sent to Avios for the tests

We curled up by his pool on the plush rug and he rubbed my belly to soothe me. He reached with the Force to the child! *beaming smile* And didn't scare her. He has done this a couple of times. He soothes her and talks to her. *smile* I can feel her reach back to him. This morning he reached and cradled her. She was soothed... like when Deomo hums to her. *smile*

I am so blessed with these two wonderful men in my life.

Squill Caves with Max... and Deomo

I woke feeling reasonable in the early afternoon. Woke to a list of things to do before Max and I take off for a few days.

-check on the maintenance of the temple and storage houses
-ensure Brem & Elca are ok taking care of the temple while we are gone
-remind Deomo that I will be away
-order trees from Elca
-contact Avios for tests Sunday night or Monday morning
-update public bio

Once my list was tapped into the datapad. Oh kark. GET A NEW DATAPAD SCAR'LET!!! I keep forgetting. I will need to head out to base soon to do that. I was going to do it right away... but... therewere voritors and huurtons outside the temple and I could not get out. I could sense Max was finishing a flying mission, so I didn't want to bother him. He sensed my annoyance at the critters and let me know that he was on his way... and for me to be patient.

When he arrived, he took out the critters. It was close for him. Then more crawled out of the ground. Dammit. *stress* Deomo offered to come help. I thought hard about asking him. But we managed to get away and Max was ok with the fight. Just. I would have prefered Deomo there I think. *smile*

Max wanted to take me hunting and training... to the Squill Caves of Tattooine. I had been there a few times hunting when I was hunting with BorDesc. But since Bordesc and I stopped talking *sad* I have not been back. That was an awesome time. He was a pikeman/doctor. He was an amazing sight to see. I LOVE watching pikemen fight. I even wrote a poem a while back on the last trip to the squill cave with BorDesc.

I had forgotten just how FUN it is to hunt there! *smile* I should do this much more often!! Why don't I? Oh yeah... i SUCK as a solo fighter. I have to have a partner or i die.

Deomo was hunting there too!!! He was with a couple of his guildmates and recruits traini as well. His helm broke so I passed him my spare. He was going to have a headache for a while from the broken helm. We kept running into him all along our hunt. *grin* It was real neat fighting alongside BOTH Max and Deomo. *amazed* I still feel like I am in a fantasy or something with them not at each other's throats. It is real wierd. As Max and I hunted, Deomo kept sneaking up to be not too far... like a protector... just keeping an eye. *smile* And Hehn! Deomo has quite a sense of humor and the fun banter across comms and cave tunnels and even the bond... was... well... made hunting a blast! Even Max got involved! They joked... together... wow! Maybe i did get kicked in the head too hard by that piket a couple days ago. And Deomo was holding out against the pendant. *proud* Hold out just a bit more... please. I know you can do it. I ... know it is getting harder. But hang on... Oh... and he was such an occassional distraction to watch ... he is a pikeman. Poor Max kept asking me if he ought to leave for me to hunt with Deomo. No... no... I was hunting with Max. But ... i just had to watch Deomo's pike swing now and again.

FInally Deomo's headache was too much and his buffs wore off. He left to train and heal... and hopefully sleep. I pray he sleeps well. *hums for Deomo*

Max is getting better. We still just do alot of watching each other in a fight... and there are the occassional stretches of silence. But it is not so bad. He talks to me more now. It help me from getting too frustrated or bored hunting. We hunted till we were tired out... physically. We made it out of the caves and stood on the mountain a bit with his gurrcat, Envy, underneath a dark blanket of Tattooine's starry night sky. We took some pictures. It was good. I don't have many pictures of Max. I have several of Deomo... but just a few of Max. (hehehe... yes I still have the incriminating photo of Deomo... smiling... hehehe) But this is a real good one on Max. I will have to make it a small framed pic to carry with me.

Holy crap what a DAY!

I slept from like noon till 6pm yesterday. Now my internal time-keeper is way way off. I had hoped to wake feeling well and rested. I felt disoriented. So I ate some food and wandering Max's house for a bit, dropping off two of his empty pack in the side room.

I then started doing some research on rituals and rites of union. Just skimming what is out there abd well known. I was also looking up Jedi regulations for Elca... nothing yet. The migraine grew steadily. *grumble* And with it the nausea returned. Kark. Yesterday was not going well.

I met Brem and Maxell in Theed, outside the cantina. I could not bring myself to go in. The press of people. The noise... oh gods the noise. Brem and Maxell came out. Brem looked good... *snickers* and changed clothing accessories (for the third time in 20min according to Maxell). Max had something to take care of and parted, leaving Brem and I alone to get caught up. We went to the Library balcony. I had to walk to avoid puking.

We met someone inside. A fellow I had seen and listened to the music of in the cantine. He is a very shy musician named Dexo. We exchanged words and contact information. Dexo is just starting out in the world. *smile* How exciting. I invited him out to the temple. it would be nice to hear music echo in its hallways. I needed to sit soon though and bare him a good evening.

Brem and I sat for several hours on the balcony. We talked about Kimbrya. He had been holding up and appearing "many" and "strong" but I could sense his heart bursting. I wrapped my arms about him and instantly his tear flooded his cheeks. He wept for some time. And then he began to heal... and remember the good things she had done and her last wishes for him... his final challenge: to LIVE and live well... for her.

*nausea* Dammit... why won't this pass... *grumble*

I then asked Brem to watch over the temple and Elca while I take some time with Maxell to readjust. Brem asked me about the baby. When I will know whose it is, if I knew whose it is. If it was really safe hunting at this stage of the pregnancy. I feel she is a she...the energy just feels... female. But I do not know whose she is. The regular test are usually done at 9 weeks into the pregnancy. If I find a good geneticist, I may be able to do earlier tests this weekend. I am afraid to know. Part of me wishes it didn't matter. And part of me has mulled around the idea of aborting. No child means less emotional turmoil and complications with everyone else. the timing is very bad with Deomo's pendant and all. But... *sigh* I just don't know. Now that I have had a week of knowing this and have sensed her myself... curious and strong... I can't do it. I just can't abort.

The pendant made a try for Deomo again and I stood fast to go help him... The balcony spun and the nausea rose. I must have paled and turned green for Brem made me lie down immediatle and was deeply concerned. I lay there with my head in Brem's lap as we talked and he tried to lighten the mood to help ease my nausea. I could not help Deomo. I worried on it. Then he was ok... he forced in his control. *PROUD*

Maxell came out to meet us on the balcony. His presense was reassuring. He was practically bouncing with glee. *???* And Deomo was hunting with such joy... *???* Max then said he was just out talking with Deomo *panic* And he smiled and watched me. Deomo was trying out some new deadly nightsister lances. Max? Deomo? *shock* They talked and... *shock* came to an understanding... *shock* and shook on an agreement of peace! *SHOCK* I thought I was delerious or fell through a black hole... or maybe i was actually unconscious and dreaming or something. Did I hear that right?! I asked Deomo... he concurred. *shock* They both seemed well pleased with themselves. Max had given Deomo the Nightsister lances to help Deomo protect me when we hunt togther. *shock* Maxell was giddy. It was making us all giddy.

I feel a bit ... shell shocked! *smile* Wow... *relief*

At the temple, after I had a bit to eat and my tummy felt normal again, Max and I raced. *laughs* I raced him from the Library of Theed, Naboo, all the way to our temple on Dantooine. I was sure he would beat me to hist ship and his ship if faster than mine. But I arrived on Dantooine before him. Then I flew on my swoop and crashed into a building. He swept up behind me on the ground and tickled me merceilessly then bolted off. I lept onto my swoop and sped direct. I could see him on my radar... way way behind me. Then he was lost from my radar. As I pulled up on the temple and ran inside... there he was!!! How the hell?!? *laughs* I think he cheated somehow... I just can't yet figure out how. Now I was much exhausted.

We hunted about the temple and found the very moving shrine that Brem erected for Kimbrya. The words carved upon the table were from his heart. Max and I just sat there in silence for a bit. Then I sent Brem a note. Her shrine belongs in her room, the one they shared. She only slept in this room once. I took a quick look into his room and found the yellow crystal I had given Kimbrya when I first met her. It now radiates with her energy. It was sitting on a pillow of Brem's bed.

I had had a rough day and so curled to try to sleep more. Maxell came into our room and saw that I was nestled into bed. I reached over to pet the kittens, Anya and Kitahn, named after the twin daughters I lost. I closed my eyes and placed my hand on my own belly... to caress the daughter I will have. Maxell smiled and said he would be in shortly. He went to meditate in Fyrshka's shrine. I was soon asleep.

I woke early again... um... 5AM... I never felt Maxell come to bed and gather me into his arms. *smile* But now I am awake... ugh... and ill. Of course. But it isnot as bad as yesterday. It passed in a couple hours. I Curled back up to him and watched him while I lay there. Noting his eyebrows, the grey in his hair, the soft roundness of his face, the shadow of a face needing a shave. *smile* I ran my fingers through his hair. He did not wake. *smile* I think I will lie here and do this for a while...

Bad Sick today

I stirred this morning in Maxell's arms *smile* and ran my fingers through his hair again.

Then my stomach lurched. I sought the waste room...
I was so sick... really sick. Worse than when I was pregnant with the twins.
I tried hard not to wake Maxell.
I so want this to pass.
I pray it doesn't become a preganancy long thing.
*shaking, chilled, nauseous*
*hot, sweaty...vomiting*

I check my timer now and again.... 2 hrs... ugh...

Then 5 hrs...

*nauseous*

I have been up since 4AM... slept 3 hrs...

When this passes... I am taking a long nap.

A night for the Pendulum

And so it swung again tonight. (remind me to smash it with my hammar)

I landed the ship and Max and I parted ways to take care of separate things and duties. I headed to the temple to get my vibro knuckler to help me with the Teras Kasi unarmed combat training. I was feeling a bit moody... for no real reason... but sensed that this evening held potential frustration and I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possibly.

Elca was at the temple again. I think I like her. She is dynamic and inquisitive and determined and intelligent. She had spent much time thinking while she was crafting and then came to ask me a real important question.

"May I be your Apprentice?"

*shock*

What?! I was so taken aback! I ... um... uhhh... I am still in training myself. How could I possibly consider taking on an apprentice?

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
When the teacher is ready, the student will show up on the doorstep.

Oy... the words of the old monks from my old temple popped into my head. No.. no no no... not now. Not ANOTHER responsibility. I told her I was in training myself at the moment and will address this over the weekend. She wants to help out at the temple however she can. I was so not ready for this turn of events. I will come back to this. I promise. Let me digest it. Let me recover from the shock of it. *smile* And yes, I do welcome it.

Elca, if you want a starting point... learn to meditate. Go up the unarmed skills and obtain your Teras Kasi novice for the basic metitation. Even if it is just the basics. I will come back to you for the rest. And I really do welcome the help with the temple. Especially with a funeral to plan.

Elca has another problem with a great need. She and Kayon... have feeling for one another. But he is a Jedi knight. And his oaths... forbid this. She does not know what to do. I promised to do some research into it. I will post what I find.

Stunned... I headed to Coronet. Deomo was pressing for me to come hunt with him. He wants to ensure I fulfill my assignment that Kimbrya gave me to work on my patience, focus and battle meditation in Teras Kasi. He is tough... and said he will not give up on me or let me give up on myself. Hunting with him is usually fun, when the spirit in the pendant is not interfering. He is tough on me, like I was a recruit. He forbids me to resort to my blades or hammer. He does not fight anything I am fighting. He ensures I am safe and train against one target at a time. He even means to ensure I do this training if he has to drag me to a buffs doc and pay for the buffs himself. *grin* Thank you Deomo. I know you won't let me down.

I waited for 20min in a LONG line for a buff doc in Coronet. GODS!!! It was so slow and long... and then I learned that the doc was making mistakes. And then I got rained on. Wow... my mood soured very quickly. I was much cranky when I finally gave up on that line and decided to try on Naboo for a buff doc.

I arrived in Theed feeling quite grumbly. Max was there. He and I went over to the cantina for a quick drink and then to Hendola where there was a Doc and entertainer for full buffing. He asked to see my weapons as he had been an armorsmith and wanted to ensure their quality. I handed them over. Then he only returned the vibro knuckler and said he was keeping the rest for comaprison... just for a few days. *annoyed* WHAT?! *ANNOYED* Well... I was more than annoyed. I was mad. Real mad. He was keeping my blades to keep me from using them while I train in Teras Kasi. I was down right furious with him. With everything and everyone. Well... not so mad at the fact that he was keeping my blade to prevent me from falling back on them. I was mad that he (ONE) did not trust me to keep my words when I said I would not use them and (TWO) that he deceived me... outright. It finally boiled down to me just being majorly grumbly about everything. He guiltily gave them back to me and we parted ways to hunt.

I met with Deomo... still feeling grumbly. The hunting went rather well and the conversation was light. My grumbly mood eased. And then I sensed the pendant throb and Deomo grip hold and focus. *PRIDE* He did it. The spirit did not take him! hehe... I bet that surprised that spirit. I am sure it will take the spirit several days not to figure out a way around Deomo's focus. But at least he fought the pendant's will and remained true to himself... and I think he will be able to hold out for a bit. Good. I need to gain some inner time and balance before I tackle that spirit again. We hunted well for about an hour till the voritor hunters got to be too much for both of us. I set up a camp for us to heal. OUCH. They are real tough and do MUCH damage.

As we sat and healed and pondered how to deal with them, I felt a strange pull. Max? Yup... Max. He was in a deep emotional turmoil. Need called. I had to answer. This time it was Max's need. My heart felt squeezed and I almost wanted to cry with the pain I was feeling along the bond. Deomo looked up at me... and knew. *go... he needs you... we can train more later or another day... go*

Need called. I answered. Max was trying to not have me come out to him. Insisting that I needed to keep training. I told him it was too late. I was on my way.

I found him in his house in Hendola, sitting among the new plants he picked up from Elca. I had her contact him since I knew she could design what he wanted and remembered that he wanted meaningful foliage in his meditation space. I had also given him 2 crystals, too, for his pool's edge... to complete the row. They were all in place when I arrived and he was sitting on the floor hidden by the brush, next to the ancient drum. And he radiated emotional turmoil. It nearly broke my heart to see him. With all that has gone on, the stresses, the dual bonds, the torture, the spice and rehab, the death of Kimbrya, the child to be.... He no longer knew where he fit in. All he could think about was that if the child was Deomo's... he would no longer be part of my life. And the thought was tearing him apart.

Oh Max. You are a part of my life I could never ever do away with. You are my breathe. My foundation. The beating of my heart. How could I do without you? If there was some way to seal this bond between us, to seal my commitment to you... I would. Max. I so love you.

Oh we really need some time together... far away from the stresses... just for a few days. We can't help anyone if we are in such states. If only I could manage it....

..........

*!*

I can. *revelation*

Deomo is holding against the pendant for now. In this set of states with Max, I could not help Deomo anyways against another onslought of the spirit. But he is holding against it. He will have to hold for a few days. The temple... the temple... ELCA! She wanted to help. She could manage the temple for a bit. It isn't difficult. I think I can entrust her with it. I will have to introduce her to Brem.

BREM!!! Oh gods.... I told him about Kimbrya. He... didn't even know. What happened to his tai'shan bond to her? He was... shocked... stunned. He needed time to digest it. We agreed to meet tomorrow and talk about it. I asked if he would like to be involved in a funeral service for her. He did. We will talk about this too.

I will introduce Brem to Elca and they will manage the temple just fine for a couple days.

Yes. I can do this. Max and I need time... time for just us. Time to rebalance and forge our inner strength and stability.

After much reassuring, we went to his rug. He rubbed my belly while I was standing and I nearly fell over. *grin* It soothed me so much that my legs wanted to give way. I laid down and he came beside me, taking me into his arms and rubbing my belly gently. I sensed him tentatively reach to sense the energy of the unborn. *smile* I purred. She reached back. I purred some more and we slept... content for a change.

Oy... Sick...

Maxell and I took a space jaunt to just get some ... space... from the temple last night. We talked and slept in my very empty ship. One day... I will have to change that.

I woke early this morning. And quickly made my way to the waste room. There is nothing remotely left in me to get rid of. I lay curled on the cool floor of it for hours. I did not want Max to wake. I can deal. This is... normal. Ugh...

When the worst had passed, I sat back up in the private room and looked out at the stars occassionally. I say occassionally because I spent most of my time looking and the sleeping form of a man I love so very dearly, the tai'shan to whom I am bound. He was stretched out with one arm behind his head for support. His now grey-streaked hair sticking up a bit in the front from him sleeping face-down in his folded arms for a portion of the night. I reached over and slowly ran my fingers through his hair. He stirrs and rolld over to curl close to me... murmuring in his sleep... slightly troubled.

I though about our talk before we fell asleep. It was on three subjects that have weighed heavily on me... and still do.

We discussed the pendant and its spirit... and how it is effecting Deomo and us. We also discussed a bit about what it may mean and what our options were. I realize that Max and I ... and Deomo... have had a rough time of things and Max and I NEED to take some time away to rebalance ... or I, we, will not be able to help Deomo. But with everything going on... how can we manage this? Can I dare to? I spent an evening with Deomo, where we lounged on a beach and I learned a bit of formal dancing. But that was not really much. Can I dare to take a couple days?

Maxell and I had also talked about the issues of hatred and vengence between him and Deomo... and how I am caught in the middle. I am not sure if I am reading either of them correctly. Sometimes I think they are at a truce and then sometimes I feel they want the other dead in the most horrible way. Even if they say they do not hate each other. Dammit. I need a truce. Especially with a child coming.

The child. That is another hard issue. It, she, could be Max's or could be Deomo's. Max had told me his first encounter with the energy of it and how he had scared it. I mentioned in an earlier entry how now he rubs my belly *smile* and that it is soothing. I do not think he would scare her again. But he does not want to reach out to the energy of her... too afraid to scare her again. Too afraid to get attached too, in case she id Deomo's. He wonders what his place will be when she is born... if she is Deomo's. And what will happen to me and Deomo if she is his. It is really bothering him. We talked through various situations and what we might do in them. I do not think we had any real solutions. A bridge we will cross when we find out whose she is. This is more of a pain and anxiety ridden feeling that the bonds itself.

Great. Excuse me... sick ... again.
*drops datapad to rush below deck ... again*

*returns to snuggle for more sleep with Maxell*

Kimbrya Crosses Over

Kimbrya.

Oh Kimbrya.

It was her time. She held out as long as she could for all of us.

I tried in vain to find Brem... and when I arrived at the temple... I felt the first surge of the Force. It rocked me and brought me to my knees in the ritual space. When i felt balanced enough to stand again, I made it down the stairs three at a time... to be driven to my knees again by a wave of the Force rolling through the temple... then silence. The silence that comes only with death.

Gods.

I am too late.
And Brem was not here for her.

Gods.

Was she alone? Oh gods...

Slowly, I walked into Fyrshka's Shrine. The feeling of loss hit me in the gut and wrenched my heart. Maxell. Oh Max. He was there. He saw ... But... where is she? Everything of her passed to the Force... became one with it. Max was sitting on the floor by the Krayt skull, tears streaming down his cheeks. I could not hold my own back at the sight of him. I dropped to the floor by him and wrapped my arms about him. We mourned the loss of her together.

She had such an air of joy and innocence about her. A cute way of tilting her head and wrinkling her nose when she smiled... making her freckles dance. Her good nature was infectious. You just wanted to see her smile. She seemed so child-like and found everything fascinating. She wanted to heal everyone... even her enemies. She sought the good in all... and made it shine. And yet, she was so very very wise. Never was a sinlge thing missed nor forgotten. And her advice was always carefully thought out and very sound.

Gods... she will be terribly missed.

When the tears were spent and wiped from our cheeks. I needed space from the feeling of loss in this temple.

Gods... Brem... I sent him the news by email. I had no other way.

Oh Brem... Brem...

Battle for Deomo

Karking KARKING angst spirit cursing the pendant... and its wearer.

KARK!

*grrrr*

KARK KARK KARK!!!

Ok... i think i got that out of my system.

When I woke, I felt much better and met Maxell just outside the meditation rooms. He looked really good. He felt stable and sure. it was refreshing and encouraging. He reached over to rub the back of his fingers against my belly. *smile* I love when he does that. I doubt he will scare her... it... her ... again. Yes, I feel it is a her. I won't know for sure till we do a DNA and GENE test. And I do need to be somewhat careful... i don't want to miscarry in the first trimester, either. *smile* I want this child... regardless of whose it is.

When I looked again into Max's eyes... there was a sadness. Then I sensed it. Kimbrya. She is here in the temple. Her essesnce seemed to fill the temple. I didn't think she had any Force ability. Maybe... maybe being the living holocron for 32 jedi clergy changes things. Change. That is going to happen tonite for sure. I can feel it. The Web of the Force thrums with it. She is resting downstairs.

Along the bond, I felt the pulse of the pendant... and Deomo... was not himself. Max looked at me... and he knew. He had "paperwork" to do for the temple anyways. He bade me go... go and help Deomo. And bade me to be careful. I dashed out to spend the last of my finances on a set of buffs and then tracked Deomo down to his hunting location on Dantooine.

Now to do spiritual battle with the spirit in the pendant... battle for Deomo's soul. That angst spirit cannot... WILL NOT... have Deomo. I used the hunting as a distraction while i sent memories and feeling along the bond, coaxing Deomo to remember, to fight for himself against this spirit trying to control his body and mind. It tried to twist my words. *cuimhnigh Deomo... remember* And after 20minutes... Deomo fought the spirit. It was furious. It struggled to kill me using Deomo's body, to get me out of the way from it's goal to have Deomo. I took a risk. I unarmored, and appealed to my trust in Deomo. He fought twice as hard. I knew he did not want to harm me. I closed my eyes and stood, no armor, no weapon... waiting ... praying no death blow came... praying no critters came either. Deomo fought on for an hour. When i sense more Deomo than spirit, I stepped close and took his hand and placed in on my belly and hummed the tune Deomo hummed to me... the one that always puts me at ease, and know that it puts the enborn within me at ease. Deomo crumpled to his knees. Awareness again in his eyes, his hands shook. Fear... he was afraid. I smiles as calm and reassuring a smile as i could muster. And then further panic took him. He had no idea where he was, why he was there, what was going on. I erected a camp and sat him down to explian.

Oh... round two... Scar'let and Deomo vs Angst Spirit cursing pendant... HA! I win this round hands down! *karking pendant spirit*

The pendant once again wiped Deomo's memory. But, not knowing where he was realy shook him. After some time explaining, I think really understood what was going on with the pendant. And that... his ordeal of the rites... well.. was infinished. He needed to face this spirit and banish it from himself and the pendant. But how. I promised him I would look into the rituals and information I can find. But i feel the ultimate fight... lies with him.

We then sat and talked. About the pendant, about the hatred i feel between him and max, about the child i carry. Deomo is afraid that he might hurt me. Afraid he doesn't have the strength and will to fight this spirit. That he has nothing to hold onto or drive him. Am I chopped liver?
*snicker* I know what he really meant. He is too afraid to hurt me and it effects his ability to think clearly sometimes. He kept glancing over to my belly. *smile* Yes, Deomo... a child grown in there. He actually does care about this. I thought he didn't. But he does. He is just too afraid to make an attachment, in case it isn't his... and is let down. I understand. If he felt attached and then could not be part of the child's life... that is hard. Not really knowing whose child she is... is also hard. We also talked about Maxell and him... about the hatred I am caught in the crossfire of. He doesn't hate Maxell. He doesn't even wish him dead. He does wish he did not have to share me, but accepted the fact that he does... and that he does come second. He just is tired of that fight and has given up on it. It isn't a fight worth fighting. And i could feel that it made him sick to do know Cauil's betrayal... and more sick to operate the chair on Max. His sense of rights and wrongs now back in his head. The feral under better control. Unfortunately I can also see it make him falter sometimes as he questions the right/wrong of the duties he must do. He, however, feel that Max hates him with a vengence... and truly wishes him dead. *frown* This warrents a talk with Max.

In the end, Deomo hummed for the unborn. *smile* I wanted to stay and listen, feel the peace that comes with his humming... But Kimbrya ...

He sensed the seriousness in me when I said I had to depart for Kimbrya. He nodded and asked if I was going to hunt more later. I told him I couldn't for lack of funds... i need to do some small missions and earn some cred before i can buff gain and tackle larger missions. I held him close and reassuringly, then kissed his brow between the horns. And as I brought down the camp, he secretly wired 30k to my bank. *rolls eyes* I could have earned it on my own. He would not take it back. Fine. I will buff again and hunt later if I can.

I need to see Kimbrya and Maxell first.

Drifting and wandering thoughts

Max... Deomo...

This is a situation that is hard on all of us. No one understands it. ANd I can feel the press of persecution. Deomo gets it from his guild. Max gets it from the friends he has. I... I get it in subtle ways from Max and from direct ways from Deomo.

Why am I taishan to both? What is the purpose? Is there a purpose?

When I first met Blimey, I was wary... and slowly learned to trust him. He was open with his views and his thoughts. Patient and cautious. Gentle. Strong. I was drawn by all this. I wanted over time to be closer to him. My affection for him grew. Then he was just... not there. It hurt. I missed him.

While I waited to meet Blimey, another doctor befriended me. He was careful and always understood my dislike for touch and closeness. I felt we were good friends. I cared for him. But never felt any desire to be more. He misunderstood. Now we hardly speak... and when we do, it seems awkward. I miss hunting with him.

Brem. Brem is very dear to me. *smile* He found me shying away from the cantina crowd while i tried to curiouslt watch and listen. He came over and danced for me... all night. Danced and talked. He was similarly shy about touch and trust. And we were like kindred spirit. Been hurt in different ways and needed to grow and heal together. We did. I try to always see the good in others... and try to draw it out. And he has such a good heart. He is young and his innocence was refershing and playful and reminded me to relax and explore. We grew very close and trusting. And like kids learning about trust and touch... we explored. But then he was pulled by a taishan bond to Kimbrya. I thought I lost him. But I know I haven't. He is still in my senses and my thoughts. And I know she is ill and will not be with us long. He will need to know that I am still here for him. His friend. A becon of light to guide his way should he ever feel lost or alone. I have not seen him in a long time. I know he is training hard with his guild and studying the ways of the Force. Brem... remember... dancing, humming, rolling on the carpet, playing with the dancing bantha. Remember me.... remember us. I have been so swept up in the chaos of events. I know I have not been around. You have been such a good friend. I hope things settle down soon. I hope we can sit on the carpet again and talk... race our lizards around the roof, too... like we used to.

Maxell. My love. Mo Gradhe... mo ionuin... my beloved. When we first met i hardly looked at you when you interrogated me in my temple. Your subtle manipulations challanging my views and thoughts and convictions. I never expected this... to be bound to you by taishan. You are human. Yet, like a Zabrak more than most Zabrak I have met. Your devotion to me is astounding. Your love and endurance saintly. I do not deserve you. I do not understand why you and Ebe left each other. I am more trouble that ever you should have to deal with.

Deomo... I was almost Deomo's. We crossed paths in the Theed starport square. I was drawn to him... to his feral while I was feral. He has always ben the horror of nightmares... yet... somewhere along the way I took a risk. I took a risk and the strength of the otherworldly divine helped me reach into him and see... see... that there is good in him. Buried deep and and smothered in Imperial orders and feral nurturing. Somewhere along the way a second impossible taishan bond was formed. How could I explain? How could anyone understand? How could I help him to struggle against all he has grown up knowing. He needs to remember. The love of a father. His father. The father that accpeted death for not wanting to kill the son he loved. Will Deomo remember this? Is this the purpose of theis bond? How can I make him see? And a dark spirit has laid a curse on his pendant... and want to possess Deomo to such darkness. It is a battle against time. I have come to love and care about the gentle man I discovered beneath the cruel exterior.

And so now I am faced with such confusion and discrimiation. I am loved by two men...bound to me by taishan. Do they love me? Or is it the taishan bond that make them love me? Such bonds muddle the mind. What is real?

What is real?

What is real... is I am pregnant. And I have been intimate with both Deomo and Maxell. Either could be the father. The repercussions are already hitting the grand web of the Force. And what I initially felt was such love and joy... and now... now...

*cry*

Hello Morning Sickness

Like a timer droid... I lay curled on the floor of the orange meditation room where i fell asleep last night. Curled and ill. Shaking and nauseous. It has been three hours. I am glad I have not puked. I don't want to have to clean the rug.

So here I lay... waiting for the waves of nausea to pass.

Reminds me if when I lay sick on the floor of Blimey's house after eating fish. That was a long time ago too.

Wow... I am pregnant. I will have to tell Kimbrya... everyone! *smile* I thought I couldn't get pregnant. Kimbrya had told me that I had traces of the drugs I had taken from my trip to this galaxy still running in my system and that they likely hindered conception.

*pregnant*

Wow...

Sick... wow... *groan* Gods... make the sick feel go away soon.

*shock* Pregnant

I started out to get buffed. Ready to take on my mission to train in Teras Kasi. Max was still asleep. I sensed him wake and flew back to Lok. Wretched planet. *breathe* I will go anywhere for Maxell. Sentinal City... the Imperial city. That was my destination. Then out to where i sensed him. Odd. I almost panicked! I arrived to an open plain of nothingness for miles around. Where I sensed him there was... a tree. *???* I stood so confused just looking at it. Staring at the ground. He is HERE... I can feel it! I stared harder. No. He in BELOW here. Dammit. That was dumb of me. He sensed my confusion. I think he was amused by it.

Deomo suddenly tagged my comm asking how I was, how I was feeling. *???* He has never done that before. I was taken aback and I think I spoke rashly to him. He was instantly put off by me. Great... i pissed him off. Why do I keep doing that?! I should just keep my karking mouth shut.

With some snickering, Maxell directed me to a cave entrance where I can find him. I took a moment to meditate and calm myself. And Open myself to the bonds. I think it allowed Max and Deomo to sense one another somewhat. It did allow me to more clearly sense each of them. I tracked to the cave and entered. The route was long and steep... winding deep into the heart if Lok. It then opened up to three branching cave tunnels. One on the left glowed green. *curious* I will check it out another time. I must fuind Max first and see how he is.

He looked a wreck!!! But... the spark in his eye was clear and bright. Oh how I have missed that. Sharp wit and attention. Like the hunting gurrcats laying in the grass aware of everything. I threw my arms around him and hugged him and held him. I did not want to let go. The warmtha had love eminated from him... he glowed with it. *I have my Max back at last*

He had a strange sparkle in his eye and Set me at a distance from him a moment. He smiled and looked me up and down. I tilted my head curiously. He looked to my belly and then rubbed it with such light and joy on his face. *confusion* *frown in thought* He smiled... and as realization began to dawn on me... he nodded. *shock*

*SHOCK*

My legs gave out on me. I sat on the ground... hard... stunned... shocked.

Oh gods.... oh gods... I am pregnant... oh gods... That explains the fainting... and the nausia this morning. *quickly counts on fingers* A little more than two weeks. Oh gods. Whose is it? Deomo's? Maxell's? Zabrak gestation... week two... light-headedness and fainting, week three... nausia... Then the body balances for six weeks and then changes again. Each trimester in nine weeks long. Oh gods. I was pregnant with twin daughters before... why did I not recognize the symptoms? Oh gods. I need a blood test to be sure. Then a DNA test in a week.

*shock*

I am with child.

*shock*

Whose is it?

*ANXIETY*

How will either react if it isn't theirs?! Oh gods. My breath suddenly came short as the panic of this train of thought hit me. Then Max smiled at me. *I love you. And I will care and love any child of yours as my own.* *shock* Oh Max.... I have been truly blessed by the gods with you. *sigh* I don't know if Deomo would remotely be the same. Especially with the pendant.

Focusing on that pendant was hard now. Everything after this news is kinda a blur.

I sent Max off to get healed as he sent me off to try to help Deomo with the pendant. He was having difficulty with his flight suit. His wounds and the strain of the ordeal.... I stepped up to his side and helped him with a small smile. I offered to fly him to the med centre. He assured me he could make it. *trust* I told him to contact Ebe right away. She will be worrying for him. And once I saw him safe into his Tie-Fighter, I went out tot he nearest city to Deomo... Rua.

*i am with child*

Yes... this is going to be my on my mind lots now.

*hurt*
I don't know if Deomo cares... * =( * He seemed so gruff. Through our evening hunt. *confused* And then sometimes not. And he struggled with the pendant... or it struggled with me. It kept jibing me that Deomo belonged to it. NO! He belongs to HIMSELF. What am I going to do? *patience* ARG! *focus* I struggled with my unarmed combat. I was growing much frustrated with the battles... the dogs and voritors before me... the Shadowy spirit in the pendant. Grrrr.... "It takes practice, Scar'let, like dancing... remember?" Deomo smiled. *blush*

Gods... a child...
What a distraction...
What a Joy...

What the kark am I gonna do!!!???