Am I happy?

Deomo asked this when I told him he was the father. "Are we happy?"

I think I have spent so much time freaking out, stressing, worrying, ill, or in pain... I never really thought about it. And the brief moments I had... I am ashamed to say that... that I wished I wasn't. The grief it has caused... The stress...

I have wanted to hide and cry and not see anyone... regretting ever having come to this galaxy... so many times over the last few months. All I have done is ruin and upset the balance of so many lives... when all I wanted to do was live my life freely... and at peace. But Fate has dealt me a terrible blow and now I am pregnant. And the strain of who the father is and the implications and how to manage things after...

Why? WHY!!??!! Why can't things just settle down and live and let live for a while!? WHY!?! do I have to have all this hardship and responsibility? Why does Max's life have to be made so complicated my my actions? WHy does Deomo's life have to be wrought with curses and interferences!? WHY WAS I CHOSEN TO STAND IN THE KARKING MIDDLE!!!!????

Am I happy?
What do you think?

*breaks down and cries for several hours in the dark of the balcony where she cannot be seen nor heard*

*PAINFUL TWINGE*

Oh gods...
This child is not to blame. She did not choose this fate. And... I am happy to have her. I was so sure I would never be able to have a child. And here she is... within me. Max... is devastated. And that... pains me so very terribly. Part of me so wished she was his. But to see the look on Deomo's face. The light and shone from his eyes. The smile that grew to dimple his cheeks.

I hope this is enough.

*easy girl... I don't want to lose you... and will never give you up*

*meditates for another hour, then walks back down to curl up near the pool and watch Maxell sleep... sleep claimer her again*