Confusion with Max
It has been nearly 2 weeks since I last saw Max. He has been avoiding me. The feelings along the bond have been a dark jumble of self hatred, guilt, shame, feral bloodlust... and more. I know he feels horrible for hurting me. I have tried to let him know it was not that bad. And that it was not his fault.
But he just shuts me out.
Of all things... that... THAT... hurts the absolute most.
I have tried to keep myself occupied with Meela and my exercises. When Max is ready to see me... he will... won't he? I pray that he does not hate himself so much that he no longer love me. I have been watching Meela in her incubation with fascination. I wish Deomo could see her. I hope he is doing well against that pendant. Sometimes Meela is upset and i have to keep her close to me in spirit. She misses him so much it pains my heart. I try to reassure her that daddy will be back. He too has been gone so long. I am worried.
Today I needed to get out and get some air. I walked over to my hut to pay the maintenance. As I stepped out of Avios' facility, I noticed that the Trandoshan guard was gone. Avios also has not been around much. *And Dr. Narheen is not very nice company* There was a GuildHall just outside in Avios' name. It was locked to me. The walk to my hut revealed that even the plantlife on Dantooine has been growing like Meela. There seemed to be more trees and the flowers are huge. Maybe I have been holed up for so long I had forgotten.
In the temple, there was an odd feeling. A shade of darkness. The feeling like I need to recleabse the space. I will do that at the next New Moon. I wonder if it is just spiritual neglect or if something happened. The Accolade and Avios' assistant are both gone. Odd.
I tried again to reach Max. I was hit hard by his feelings of shame. He was apologizing for hurting me. He wanted to avoid me... to avoid hurting me more. I tried hard to reassure him. I could vaguely sense the feral there in him and an ensuing fight. *worried* I quickly stopped in to see Meela and touch the glass and let her know that I would not be gone too long and that I would be close by soon. Then I headed out to try to help Max, reassure him I was fine, sooth his sense of shame. He urged me to stay away. I stopped in to Azrith and fixed my bike and check my finances. Damn. need to do some missions soon. Later. Max is my current priority. *concerned*
I tracked him to Hendola's outskirts where he was fighting, without his cats. Battling the Rebels there who had set up some bases. He was doing grunt work. It was strange to see. I hung back and spoke to one of the officers. They said he was raging. i got a clearance to go into the base and see what was going on. Max came in shortly after and glared at me. The experience sent all the hairs on my neck up and kicked up my instictive defences. I backed out carefully and reported to the officer, then got put back on leave. I was in no shape yet for that kind if fighting. AND, I would NOT fight Max... not even if I was ordered to. I encountered and exchanged some tense words with a man named Zultan. But thankfully we did not fight. I would surely be dead. I left the scene to collect my thoughts and try to keep calm.
Max. Oh Max. What is going on? He has me almost completely shut out. I... I know the dark side he can have to him. It comes with the territory of his job... and his nature. But to see him like Deomo was when I first met Deomo... What is happening? Why?
After about an hour, I headed over to Max's Hendola home to try to meditate on his blue carpet near the pool. I bowed to the trainer in the garden. The Teras Kasi trainer. The swordman trainer was gone. I entered the house and peeked over the pool's side to see if it had water in it this time. Max was there! Bathing the blood and grime off of him. I... felt like I intruded. I... quickly left the house. Max came bounding out practically naked and overjoyed to see me. I... I wanted to be just as overjoyed to see him. But something felt strange. *uncertain* It was like he had no sense of shame for frustration. He was giddy and happy... it was... such a sudden flip flop of emotions I could not catch up with it and really could not understand the suddent change of STAY AWAY to YAY YOU ARE HERE. It was almost like he was high on something. But he wasn't. Also... he had like no memory of the past 3 weeks. No recollection of meeting Highway, or Brem in Theed. No memory of helping me in Agro. No memory of the *blush* lustful interlude we had on his ship... or that that interlude caused me a bit of harm. No memory.
I tried to sift through the feelings and connections along the bond... even dared step past my empathic walls a bit, desperate to understand. He seems to have holed up all the dark and dangerous side of him behind deep dark walls... that struck at me when I poked at them. I SAID STAY AWAY! I AM NOT READY! BE HAPPY WITH WHAT IS LEFT! *!!!???!!!* What the Kark? I will have to speak with Ebe on this... and maybe tag a few others I know to have been close to Max and see if they have noticed anything. I... don't know what to do. It worried me. It made me nervous. Not scared... but nervous.
I am happy with whatever of Max I can be with. When he is ready to share with me... I hope he will. This still worries me and I wish I could help. I will leave this be for now... but it is not forgotten. It was like being with a split personality Max. Had I not known the guilt-ridden feeling he had before... I might not have noticed anything wrong and been just as giddy to see him. But I know the feelings he had earlier... and this put me a bit on edge. I could not even bring myself to hug him. I was so uncertain of him. *sad*
I tried to let things slide and to talk of other matters. Max has acquired some sensitive plants that give healing fruits. He is growing them in that Hall of his and Avios'. We went out to see them. He was so proud of them. I think he is taking a great liking to growing plants. He said it is soothing. *smile* The plants were strange to see but very interesting. I kept my hands tucked in my pockets to avoid touching them. Just in case. Max did say they were sensitive. The Hall was well decorated. It was very Imperial in decor and the Generic architecture gave it a bit of a sterile look, but Max really is an amazing decorator. He complained that the Hall was packed full of stuff and I did not see how... untill I went into the basement. HOLY Kaadus!!! Pack full of armor, weapons, harvested goods, housing deeds, other building deeds... KARK! It looks like the troage space for someone waiting to build a city! He firmly stated that he had no intention of ever doing THAT again.
The excursion and stress was now beginning to sap my energy. We headed over to the temple. We were going to curl up together like we used to. I still felt a bit awkward... like i did not really know this man before me.... yet did. i stretched out on the bed facing the end. He curled on the floor and propped his head on the bed. *smile* I ran my fingers through his hair as I drifted to sleep. Before sleep could claim me... I reached along the small bond I have with Meela and hummed to her as best I can.
But he just shuts me out.
Of all things... that... THAT... hurts the absolute most.
I have tried to keep myself occupied with Meela and my exercises. When Max is ready to see me... he will... won't he? I pray that he does not hate himself so much that he no longer love me. I have been watching Meela in her incubation with fascination. I wish Deomo could see her. I hope he is doing well against that pendant. Sometimes Meela is upset and i have to keep her close to me in spirit. She misses him so much it pains my heart. I try to reassure her that daddy will be back. He too has been gone so long. I am worried.
Today I needed to get out and get some air. I walked over to my hut to pay the maintenance. As I stepped out of Avios' facility, I noticed that the Trandoshan guard was gone. Avios also has not been around much. *And Dr. Narheen is not very nice company* There was a GuildHall just outside in Avios' name. It was locked to me. The walk to my hut revealed that even the plantlife on Dantooine has been growing like Meela. There seemed to be more trees and the flowers are huge. Maybe I have been holed up for so long I had forgotten.
In the temple, there was an odd feeling. A shade of darkness. The feeling like I need to recleabse the space. I will do that at the next New Moon. I wonder if it is just spiritual neglect or if something happened. The Accolade and Avios' assistant are both gone. Odd.
I tried again to reach Max. I was hit hard by his feelings of shame. He was apologizing for hurting me. He wanted to avoid me... to avoid hurting me more. I tried hard to reassure him. I could vaguely sense the feral there in him and an ensuing fight. *worried* I quickly stopped in to see Meela and touch the glass and let her know that I would not be gone too long and that I would be close by soon. Then I headed out to try to help Max, reassure him I was fine, sooth his sense of shame. He urged me to stay away. I stopped in to Azrith and fixed my bike and check my finances. Damn. need to do some missions soon. Later. Max is my current priority. *concerned*
I tracked him to Hendola's outskirts where he was fighting, without his cats. Battling the Rebels there who had set up some bases. He was doing grunt work. It was strange to see. I hung back and spoke to one of the officers. They said he was raging. i got a clearance to go into the base and see what was going on. Max came in shortly after and glared at me. The experience sent all the hairs on my neck up and kicked up my instictive defences. I backed out carefully and reported to the officer, then got put back on leave. I was in no shape yet for that kind if fighting. AND, I would NOT fight Max... not even if I was ordered to. I encountered and exchanged some tense words with a man named Zultan. But thankfully we did not fight. I would surely be dead. I left the scene to collect my thoughts and try to keep calm.
Max. Oh Max. What is going on? He has me almost completely shut out. I... I know the dark side he can have to him. It comes with the territory of his job... and his nature. But to see him like Deomo was when I first met Deomo... What is happening? Why?
After about an hour, I headed over to Max's Hendola home to try to meditate on his blue carpet near the pool. I bowed to the trainer in the garden. The Teras Kasi trainer. The swordman trainer was gone. I entered the house and peeked over the pool's side to see if it had water in it this time. Max was there! Bathing the blood and grime off of him. I... felt like I intruded. I... quickly left the house. Max came bounding out practically naked and overjoyed to see me. I... I wanted to be just as overjoyed to see him. But something felt strange. *uncertain* It was like he had no sense of shame for frustration. He was giddy and happy... it was... such a sudden flip flop of emotions I could not catch up with it and really could not understand the suddent change of STAY AWAY to YAY YOU ARE HERE. It was almost like he was high on something. But he wasn't. Also... he had like no memory of the past 3 weeks. No recollection of meeting Highway, or Brem in Theed. No memory of helping me in Agro. No memory of the *blush* lustful interlude we had on his ship... or that that interlude caused me a bit of harm. No memory.
I tried to sift through the feelings and connections along the bond... even dared step past my empathic walls a bit, desperate to understand. He seems to have holed up all the dark and dangerous side of him behind deep dark walls... that struck at me when I poked at them. I SAID STAY AWAY! I AM NOT READY! BE HAPPY WITH WHAT IS LEFT! *!!!???!!!* What the Kark? I will have to speak with Ebe on this... and maybe tag a few others I know to have been close to Max and see if they have noticed anything. I... don't know what to do. It worried me. It made me nervous. Not scared... but nervous.
I am happy with whatever of Max I can be with. When he is ready to share with me... I hope he will. This still worries me and I wish I could help. I will leave this be for now... but it is not forgotten. It was like being with a split personality Max. Had I not known the guilt-ridden feeling he had before... I might not have noticed anything wrong and been just as giddy to see him. But I know the feelings he had earlier... and this put me a bit on edge. I could not even bring myself to hug him. I was so uncertain of him. *sad*
I tried to let things slide and to talk of other matters. Max has acquired some sensitive plants that give healing fruits. He is growing them in that Hall of his and Avios'. We went out to see them. He was so proud of them. I think he is taking a great liking to growing plants. He said it is soothing. *smile* The plants were strange to see but very interesting. I kept my hands tucked in my pockets to avoid touching them. Just in case. Max did say they were sensitive. The Hall was well decorated. It was very Imperial in decor and the Generic architecture gave it a bit of a sterile look, but Max really is an amazing decorator. He complained that the Hall was packed full of stuff and I did not see how... untill I went into the basement. HOLY Kaadus!!! Pack full of armor, weapons, harvested goods, housing deeds, other building deeds... KARK! It looks like the troage space for someone waiting to build a city! He firmly stated that he had no intention of ever doing THAT again.
The excursion and stress was now beginning to sap my energy. We headed over to the temple. We were going to curl up together like we used to. I still felt a bit awkward... like i did not really know this man before me.... yet did. i stretched out on the bed facing the end. He curled on the floor and propped his head on the bed. *smile* I ran my fingers through his hair as I drifted to sleep. Before sleep could claim me... I reached along the small bond I have with Meela and hummed to her as best I can.
posted by scarletcougar at 3:42 PM
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