I sensed it first through Meela. Deomo was alive and ... free... free of the curse of the pendant. But, Meela was so stressed. I hurried over to the house on Naboo. When I entered, Deomo did not know me. He did not know where he was. He... could not see, blinded somehow. He... did not even know who HE was. I collected him and led him about the house, directing him to touch things. I explained as much as I could. Nothing helped his memory. He was so malnourished too. I fed him slowly from my pack and water container. How do I reach him?
I know it has been some time since I have written in this... and I hope it is not the last time I write... but it may well be.
Over the past month, I have been doing what I can to help Deomo regain his memories. Bits and pieces came here and there and as time and nourishment were given him, so did his sight. Part of me wanted him to not remember. There were times in his life that were so cruel and terrible. A man... he may not want to be. The feral was so subdued in him now, did I really want to reawaken it? But then again... he was not a whole man otherwise. He had a right to know. I had no right to play God and keep it from him.
So, finally, I took him to the Temple. I toured him around and could see that he sensed some sort of familiarity but... not really recognition. I even walked him through meditation at the crystal. There he had flashes... but they were as if they had happened to someone else and not him. His frustration was apparent. So was mine by this point. It was also frustrating for him when Meela tried to reach him along the strong bond she has with him. He does not know her. And this deeply upsets her.
Finally, yes finally, I decided to take him to see her. We walked over to the house where Avios and Dr. Narheen were caring for Meela. Gods... she is the equivalent of a 6-yr-old child! Avios was not there. Dr. Narheen scowled at Deomo and went to her room... muttering something along the lines of "it is about bloody time".
Deomo did not recognize the place. It saddened me. Have I failed him? I feel like I have failed everyone. Even Meela... by returning with a father who knows her not. We went downstairs and as we stepped into the room, I stopped and stood in front of him. I took a breath... a deep one. This could be terrible for Meela... if he does not remember her. I prayed... and prayed hard that this would work. I know it will have consequences. I... have not been the best person of late... and I have made mistakes. I hope this isn't another one. I swallowed... and... like I did so long ago, I took Deomo's hand in mine and looked him trustingly in the eyes. He gazed back, mildy confused, and a small frown wrinkled the tattoos of his brow. I slowly took steps backwards, leading him to the incubation unit where Meela was. I could feel her excited, sensing the closeness of her father.
I stopped before the Incubation unit. My eyes never left his. His never left mine. I still love him and care for him. I hope he understands that in the end. I released his hand and stepped aside. The unit was now in his full view. He tensed. Again... familiarity. Meela opened her eyes and pressed her hand against the glass as a smile came across her face. He looked upon her in amazement. "
She is your daughter Deomo. And she will be released from the unit of fast growth when she is completely stable... in a month or so at the biological age of 16-ish.... " He reached up his hand to the glass where hers was. "
Deomo. You named her the day I told you you were a father. " He touched the glass and a tear streaked his face. "
Meela, " he whispered.
He remembered! It all started to rush back to him. Meela was overjoyed! I smiled too. Then Meela froze. Deomo made an angry fist. My smile faded. Not all those memories were good. True to my training, he took a slow deep breath and calmed himself. "
It is alright Meela. I remember now. Daddy loves you. I must talk to Mommy now... but I will be back for you soon. " He gripped my arm hard and led me upstairs. Gods... here it comes. I expected a deluge of my failings.
Nothing prepared me for his words. They cut me apart to the core. I knew I deserved them. I did not take as good care of myself as I should have while carrying her. I did not watch over her as maticulously as I should have. I have failed many people. His words cut deep. They were true... and scathing. His anger like fire searing me. But I shed no tears. I had none left. I had cried in my sleep and in meditations over tyhe past months for him and for Max. I wanted even now to reach for Max, but he needed his strength. I dared not disrupt his focus and thus fail him again. No apology would help this. No apology to anyone.
*I am sorry*
Take good care of her Deomo. She was always more your than mine. She love you more than anything in the world.
When his anger was over, I stepped back. Raising my shields... shutting him ... and everyone out. I have spread myself too thin and I cannot be of any help to anyone. I could not even speak. Deomo's face took on a strange expression I did not understand. Meela was reaching for him. And as he turned to her call, I left.
Time to rework my life... alone... I do not know when Max will be back... or even if. My heart was broken. I still love and care for Deomo. I still love and care for Meela. And for them... and my love for them... I must let them go. I failed them. I must let them be free of me to find their way together. It hurt to let another daughter go. But it was for the best. Deomo had already placed assurances for her care and wellbeing. I cannot provide for her. I cannot even provide for the Temple. Not without Max to help me administer to it.
I walked away. Ending a chapter in my life.
I wonder what the future will hold for me or what path I must now take.
I wonder if Max will return to me. I know he is alive.
Fire & Snow....
