Know Thyself

Well... I had a long talk with Blimey yesterday. It helped really sort many things out. He has an incredible understanding and knows me and what happened to me best. Brem may know some of my past... and that closeness is still there... always will be. I feel a bit too close to him at the moment. So close I am not sure of myself in his presense and freeze up. But Blimey... Blimey I trust so implicitly.

I stumbled through explaining the problem I am having with sensing strange things. He echoed Brems words on it. And thankfully didn't think I was a nut. But believes I need to take some time and train how to control it... and understand it... not hate it or fear it. He... also still sees that I blame myself for my daughters' deaths. In some ways I do... but he helped me remember things about that moment. When they died, I was unable to block out what was being felt by people around me. I felt my pain and horror. I felt the pain and horror and anguish of my daughters as they were brutally raped, beated and killed before me. I felt the sick pleasure of my master as he... as he forced himself upon them and beat them... and finally killed them... his sense of being sated and satisfied. But never once... never once in all that did my daughter have anything but love for me. They never held me to blame. I had forgotten that feeling lost in the onslaught of the other feelings. I can hold onto that and heal from it. Sometime soon I will hold a private funeral and say my goodbyes to my two daughters.

Blimey and I also spoke about what happened to me while I was in slavery and how it is distorting how I feel and behave around others. And how I get confused and scared and frustrated when I get too close to some people, like Brem... like Blimey. I took great courage for me to talk on all this. And he helped me clarify it, challenging me to explain myself. He knows I have a gap in my social education regarding relationships. as I was from a monastic 15 year old to a slave and at 32 I am free and trying to intergrate myself back into society.

I beg everyone to please have understanding of this... and extreme patience. Never at any time do I ever intend anything more than friendship. There are only a few I wish to be closer to... though not yet... (Brem, Blimey...Blimey more than anyone). He knows I cannot get that close just yet. And I trust him to not be upset by my actions or reactions. If I give anyone else the wrong impression... please say so IMMEDIATELY... because I know I will be misunderstaood... and have already in the past... and forsee it happening in the future. ~~sigh~~

I did bluntly... with hesitation... tell Blimey I did want to be more than firends. He declined... for now.

He did strongly suggest... counselling and talking of my experience. He suggested solitary meditation and... learning to accept... and as he put it... know and love myself. there were many other things said that were hard to hear... but helped me greatly to get things sorted out.

Just having all this sorted has helped me greatly in gaining better control ofver what I feel from people around me. Not being able to pick things up "feeling"-wise from Blimey also helped immensely. We were way out on Yavin IV where there were no other people whose thoughts and feelings could mix up with my own. There was just Blimey (who i could not sense) and myself. Only me to get a grip on it all.

Thank you Blimey.
For helping me see and understand...
For never crossing the line of closeness to confuse me any further...
For listening to me openly... and not being upset with my words or thinking me a nut.
Thank you.