Worrying about Maxell

I have not seen Max since Friday night when he told me he was going cold kaadu and Cym would know where he was. I have refrained from tagging his comm. I have even refrained from reaching him through the bond. I know he neds this time. Time for himself to sort this out his way. I know he doesn't need me interfering. And I have been patient for the weekend. But now... now I am worried. I needs some kind of feedback. Is he ok? Where is he? When can I see him?

I fretted all day.

I wandered from the lake on Tattooine to the mountains on Corellia to the forests of Naboo... trying to seek a distraction. Finally I could stand it no longer and reached to Max via our taishan bond. I even meditated to figure out where he was. UGH... Lok... I swallowed by anxiety and headed out. I set up camp outside Nym's for a bit. Then traveled to an Imperial city near Max's location. I still didn't want to interfere. But I did want to be close... just in case. I set up camp outside that city.

I told him about the karking spirit in the pendant situation. HE was philosophical about how there are lessons learned in failures and small victories are still victories. *sigh* I do not think he really cares what happens to Deomo. Why should he. Deomo is his "competition" so to speak. *sigh*

I no longer have the energy for that struggle. Let them beat the crap out of each other.

I went back to the city when perleks came swooping in. I hid in a corner of their cantina. It was abandoned. So I figured I would be safe there for a while.

Dammit. I am tired of being pulled between the two of them! Why am I taishan to both!? What do the gods have in mind? I understand that I may have been the only one to see that there is good in Deomo.

There is not Dark without Light, no Evil without Good. In all things is the Force and the Force is both... a balance. Every thing has a seed of the other in it... no matter how buried. Even the pure have to sometimes do the lesser of two evil acts.

So... what does that mean? Is my bond to Deomo to find and nourish that seed of good? Or is it to pass him up to a darker evil and open that door? Will I be bonded to him forever? Or is it just that there is a purpose? I used to think I was polyamorous like my mother. But I do not think I am. Yes... I love many. Blimey, BorDesc, Brem, Deomo, Maxell... but while in my heart I hold them all dear... my commitments to them are all different. I want to only be commited to Maxell... then there are days it feels like he is smothering me and I desperatelt need to escape him.

*sigh*

Maxell... i pray you come back to me whole and well. Maxell... i can feel him struggling. He still has no idea what his future holds. Neither of them do. Why do I? Why is it that my path seems so clear, in a way. My path is to be a priestess. To be a fine huntress. To shelter and guide those in need. What about Max? I wish I could guide him. I wish I knew. But the future is ever in motion and difficult to see.

I just want to run away. *sigh* I guess I will just continue to sit in this abandoned cantina here on Lok. I will face this anxiety. This horrid planet. Max needs me most right now. He needs my strength and will... to make it through.

*Right now, Max, you are my first priority... your need is greatest at this moment. Deomo will have to wait. I pray no crises arise now. I cannot be in two places at once.*

Kark.

*nausia* Not now... now what is wrong with me? *searches pack for rations to look at the expiry dates* *nausia* Kark. I think I will just curl here on the floor... this cool spot on the floor and wait this out. *realization* Maybe I am taking on the nausia for Maxell? I would... to help ease him. *calms mind and rides the wave... no matter how unpleasant*