Waffle Thoughts
I wasn't going to upload this... but considering later events...
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Well camping by the water got me to thinking. How much I miss Corellia's wilds. How much I miss Blimey. Wondering what things will be like when he comes out of stasis. Bordesc. What I want to do with my life. How I have changed. If Blimey will have changed. What it means, these words and feelings of Friendship or Love. I am waffling and brooding.
When I was with Blimey, I was learning social skills. I was also learning about trust and friendship and... closeness. I am not willing to call it love, for risk of jinxing anything and him dying in stasis or something. But we did become as close as I think I could ever tust to come with anyone. I had firm ideas that I wanted to be a Ranger. A noble profession. I enjoy working with Blimey. I care very deeply for him. Will he feel the same when he wakes? I have changed so much. I am not as shy as I was. I don't have to always be looking over my shoulder for death to strike me... or those close to me. So I am not the same. Will Blimey know me? Will he even like me? Will I still trust him? Will he still trust me? What is this confusing bundle of emotions?
Then I think about Bordesc. Now he is just a friend I enjoy hunting with and talking with. I feel like he is a good and honest and trustworthy friend. I know he has a lady friend he is very close to. Somehow I feel that she is very lucky to have someone so very caring and gentle. I almost envy her and him the closeness I am sure they share. I wonder if I will ever have that? I wonder if I can ever trust that far and risk that much vulnerability. Do they love each other? What does that mean? I have always wanted to ask him. I have not known anyone in such a relationship before. Maybe if I ask him, it will help me understand what it is that I feel for Blimey.
I am so waffling over how to bring up this subject. It would mean having to explain the pains of my past with someone I have only been friends with for little over a week. I hope he comes to my camp so we can talk.
What do I want as a profession too? I waffle there as well. What do I want to do with my life? I feel... purposeless. In Corbantis, I had a purpose: hunt and scout for resources for Blimey and Eseefa. Now I don't. I am working on being a fine scout.... and training hard in unarmed and one-handed combat. But for what? Why? How can I be useful? Bordesc comes and buffs me for free. How can I repay him? What can I do for him within my skills? I hope we can talk about this too.
Well, actually I guess we won't meet to talk about it. He has friends in troube he need to go help. The spirits of the universe I guess just told me that this is not the time to trust nor adress these things with him. Just when I was feeling social and ready to stop my silent lone-wolf brooding. I so wish Blimey were here....
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Well camping by the water got me to thinking. How much I miss Corellia's wilds. How much I miss Blimey. Wondering what things will be like when he comes out of stasis. Bordesc. What I want to do with my life. How I have changed. If Blimey will have changed. What it means, these words and feelings of Friendship or Love. I am waffling and brooding.
When I was with Blimey, I was learning social skills. I was also learning about trust and friendship and... closeness. I am not willing to call it love, for risk of jinxing anything and him dying in stasis or something. But we did become as close as I think I could ever tust to come with anyone. I had firm ideas that I wanted to be a Ranger. A noble profession. I enjoy working with Blimey. I care very deeply for him. Will he feel the same when he wakes? I have changed so much. I am not as shy as I was. I don't have to always be looking over my shoulder for death to strike me... or those close to me. So I am not the same. Will Blimey know me? Will he even like me? Will I still trust him? Will he still trust me? What is this confusing bundle of emotions?
Then I think about Bordesc. Now he is just a friend I enjoy hunting with and talking with. I feel like he is a good and honest and trustworthy friend. I know he has a lady friend he is very close to. Somehow I feel that she is very lucky to have someone so very caring and gentle. I almost envy her and him the closeness I am sure they share. I wonder if I will ever have that? I wonder if I can ever trust that far and risk that much vulnerability. Do they love each other? What does that mean? I have always wanted to ask him. I have not known anyone in such a relationship before. Maybe if I ask him, it will help me understand what it is that I feel for Blimey.
I am so waffling over how to bring up this subject. It would mean having to explain the pains of my past with someone I have only been friends with for little over a week. I hope he comes to my camp so we can talk.
What do I want as a profession too? I waffle there as well. What do I want to do with my life? I feel... purposeless. In Corbantis, I had a purpose: hunt and scout for resources for Blimey and Eseefa. Now I don't. I am working on being a fine scout.... and training hard in unarmed and one-handed combat. But for what? Why? How can I be useful? Bordesc comes and buffs me for free. How can I repay him? What can I do for him within my skills? I hope we can talk about this too.
Well, actually I guess we won't meet to talk about it. He has friends in troube he need to go help. The spirits of the universe I guess just told me that this is not the time to trust nor adress these things with him. Just when I was feeling social and ready to stop my silent lone-wolf brooding. I so wish Blimey were here....
posted by scarletcougar at 6:11 PM
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