Dreams and Fears

When I stood on that roof... It was all so very surreal. Thinking back. Two months ago, I would never have imagined I could be so free. I was so trapped, locked both in a world of lust and resrictions, foced to do other men's biddings... locked up so tight within myself, Dreams crushed and killed as my daughters had been. Now...

Now...

I have known such freedom. I can be and do whatever I please... with whomever I please.

But somehow, there are still restrictions. There are oppressive people watching all the time, judging and waiting for the right moment to destroy that delicate sense of freedom.

It was so surreal standing on that roof. I saw such a peaceful town, surrounded by such dangers as only Dantooine can offer, with a dangerous Imperial town less than 2000m away... waiting to overpower them. How can so much peace be kept? The very thought that all the freedom I have known can vanish in a heartbeat. And I never really figured out who and what I am or want to be.... Do I have such time? Does anyone? The Imperial reign is rising.

I dreamed of... once... having a peaceful life. Guarding as my father had, writing as my mother had... living with the peace of a simple but beautiful temple nearby. Perhaps... perhaps knowing love... will I?

I see Bordesc with his girl, Ajaa. She loves him fiercely. I can feel her fear of losing him. It is similar to my fears of losing Blimey. Do I love him? Or he I? I care deeply for him as I do for other friends.

I don't know what I am saying. I must sound crazy.
I stood on that roof and the beauty of the scene before me was so intense...
All I could see was it in ruins ... I wanted to cry.
How could such a place exist? How can it last? Will it be here a year from now? Or a month?

I think panick took me.

I rushed back to tattooine's hot desert. I tried to bury all this in a brave fight with a group of strangers against Krayt dragons. But... I can't shake it. I can't bury the dreams i want from the fears I have.

And Blimey has been so ... so not himself. It pains me. He ... the stasis has been hard on him. he has so much to sort out. He must feel as lost as I. But I do not know where he is. We have not seen each other much since that first night.

I cannot explain how I feel. It ... is so ... complex. Part of me want to hold him so close. And part of me wants to fly away to isolation. Part of me aches for the tiny peaceful moment on the Watchmen's Guild hall roof to last forever.... It is like something has gripped the very core of me and is squeezing, my heart pounding, there is no air.