Scar'let Firecat's Datapad Journal

Last Look at Free Spirit

2005-12-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

I was meditating in the temple after checking the recordfs and getting myself updated. Gods... so much has changed. Yesterday a man came in. He was here only once before to visit, and meditate. I know not his name. But he gave me a lightsaber. He told me I was ready. It was time.

Time? For what?

Time to let go. Let go of everything you once knew. Let go. Jedi are not attached to possessions, locations... or even memories. Fyrshka had secrets. Kimbrya held more than her body could contain. You, now, must let go. Let them go. The pains, the searching, the loss, the fighting and striving. Let it all go. It is time to move on.

Time to... but the temple? Max?! Tai'shan!! *~tai'shan~*

Such bond are never lost. Trust in the Force to guide you. The Jedi are needed. But... now is not the time for that, now is the time to learn, complete your training.

I knew it was time. I felt it. I was as certain about it as I was certain I was pregnant when I was. I gathered just one change of clothes and a few small items from the temple. The cats, I sent a message to Ebe to find them good homes. Thank you Ebe for all you have done. I will find Max. This is my last entry.

I looked back at the temple one last time. Koownye padded along beside me and Laghairt. Then I looked on the temple no more.... never again in my lifetime. I felt Kimbrya smile. I felt... others... I felt...

Fire & Snow

Captured and Released?

2005-12-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

I was out hunting... I think. It was so long ago. I was doing what I could to keep the temple going. There was still no news from Max. I must go on... I must be strong... for him. My training was going so well. The protector Max had hired for me was killed in a small civil war. But little happened to change around my temple. I hunted, I sold what I hunted, I hunted for contracts.

And then...

It gets all fuzzy from here.

I was arrested. Questioned. Imprisoned... I thought at first it was the Imperials. It definately could not be the Alliance. I endured... many days... days turned to months... The routine was the same. So were the questions. I would not give in.

"What is your name?"
Scar'let F... Firecat... (after a long time... I wanted to say Fyrshka....why?)
"Where do you come from?"
Iridonia... so of course there are no records. *SLAP* (ow... I was actually born in another galaxy... and they were grinding me down to hear that... another dimension... maybe another time)
"How did you get here?"
By starship... (of course)
"What is Free Spirit?"
A peaceful non-dinominational spiritual retreat centre, a temple.
"What is your relation to Maxell Snow?"
..... *silence*..... *SLAP* ..... (ow... that is personal asshole)
"Where is Maxell Snow?"
I don't know... *SLAP* I DON'T KNOW!!!! (well I don't... do i?)
"What have you done to him?"
Nothing.... what have YOU done to him... *ZOT* (ugh... f-ing stun baton)
"What have you done to Deomo?"
nothing.... (everything and nothing *anguish*)
"How many children do you have?"
None. (That hurt... oh gods that hurt to say. But better for Meela that I say it. Better for Deomo. The twins are dead and Meela is no longer mine, no... I have no children.)

The went on and on and on. I knew not way or their purpose. Sometimes the questions were stupid. Or the order made no sense. Whay was I there? What were they looking for? Some people would then start spilling their souls out for it to stop. Me... I got quiet. Shut myself up deep inside. Tried my best to hide even from Max. I did not want him worrying. I would find a way out.

Then suddenly it was over. They just... let me go. Just like that. Out into the busy streets of some city... which city? *blink blink* Theed. Naboo. All my clothes and effects were in order. My bank account was like dust. Someone took pity on me and handed me a piece of fruit. Do I look so pitiful? I sold some armor from my storage in my account box and ate decently for a week or so. Stayed at the hotel in Theed... the cheap one. Hid in the Library some... till I recouped. There was a nice doc who came in and aided me. An Alliance doc. I was not told his name.

When I was well, I checked my datapad. GODS! SIX MONTHS!!! Six months have gone by!!!
THE TEMPLE!!! Oh no.... I was sure it was rubble by now. Flew there as fast as I could. So much has changed. I will so need to get updated. Still no news from Max. Ebe! I had news from Ebe. She has been keeping up the Temple. Bless her! Thank you Ebe... thank you so very much.

I am still confused. This will take time to sort out.

Max... Tai'shan....

Fyrshka....

Gods...

Deomo Lives... and I failed...

2005-06-16T21:49:00.000-04:00

I sensed it first through Meela. Deomo was alive and ... free... free of the curse of the pendant. But, Meela was so stressed. I hurried over to the house on Naboo. When I entered, Deomo did not know me. He did not know where he was. He... could not see, blinded somehow. He... did not even know who HE was. I collected him and led him about the house, directing him to touch things. I explained as much as I could. Nothing helped his memory. He was so malnourished too. I fed him slowly from my pack and water container. How do I reach him?

I know it has been some time since I have written in this... and I hope it is not the last time I write... but it may well be.

Over the past month, I have been doing what I can to help Deomo regain his memories. Bits and pieces came here and there and as time and nourishment were given him, so did his sight. Part of me wanted him to not remember. There were times in his life that were so cruel and terrible. A man... he may not want to be. The feral was so subdued in him now, did I really want to reawaken it? But then again... he was not a whole man otherwise. He had a right to know. I had no right to play God and keep it from him.

So, finally, I took him to the Temple. I toured him around and could see that he sensed some sort of familiarity but... not really recognition. I even walked him through meditation at the crystal. There he had flashes... but they were as if they had happened to someone else and not him. His frustration was apparent. So was mine by this point. It was also frustrating for him when Meela tried to reach him along the strong bond she has with him. He does not know her. And this deeply upsets her.

Finally, yes finally, I decided to take him to see her. We walked over to the house where Avios and Dr. Narheen were caring for Meela. Gods... she is the equivalent of a 6-yr-old child! Avios was not there. Dr. Narheen scowled at Deomo and went to her room... muttering something along the lines of "it is about bloody time".

Deomo did not recognize the place. It saddened me. Have I failed him? I feel like I have failed everyone. Even Meela... by returning with a father who knows her not. We went downstairs and as we stepped into the room, I stopped and stood in front of him. I took a breath... a deep one. This could be terrible for Meela... if he does not remember her. I prayed... and prayed hard that this would work. I know it will have consequences. I... have not been the best person of late... and I have made mistakes. I hope this isn't another one. I swallowed... and... like I did so long ago, I took Deomo's hand in mine and looked him trustingly in the eyes. He gazed back, mildy confused, and a small frown wrinkled the tattoos of his brow. I slowly took steps backwards, leading him to the incubation unit where Meela was. I could feel her excited, sensing the closeness of her father.

I stopped before the Incubation unit. My eyes never left his. His never left mine. I still love him and care for him. I hope he understands that in the end. I released his hand and stepped aside. The unit was now in his full view. He tensed. Again... familiarity. Meela opened her eyes and pressed her hand against the glass as a smile came across her face. He looked upon her in amazement. "She is your daughter Deomo. And she will be released from the unit of fast growth when she is completely stable... in a month or so at the biological age of 16-ish.... " He reached up his hand to the glass where hers was. "Deomo. You named her the day I told you you were a father. " He touched the glass and a tear streaked his face. "Meela, " he whispered.

He remembered! It all started to rush back to him. Meela was overjoyed! I smiled too. Then Meela froze. Deomo made an angry fist. My smile faded. Not all those memories were good. True to my training, he took a slow deep breath and calmed himself. "It is alright Meela. I remember now. Daddy loves you. I must talk to Mommy now... but I will be back for you soon. " He gripped my arm hard and led me upstairs. Gods... here it comes. I expected a deluge of my failings.

Nothing prepared me for his words. They cut me apart to the core. I knew I deserved them. I did not take as good care of myself as I should have while carrying her. I did not watch over her as maticulously as I should have. I have failed many people. His words cut deep. They were true... and scathing. His anger like fire searing me. But I shed no tears. I had none left. I had cried in my sleep and in meditations over tyhe past months for him and for Max. I wanted even now to reach for Max, but he needed his strength. I dared not disrupt his focus and thus fail him again. No apology would help this. No apology to anyone.

*I am sorry*

Take good care of her Deomo. She was always more your than mine. She love you more than anything in the world.

When his anger was over, I stepped back. Raising my shields... shutting him ... and everyone out. I have spread myself too thin and I cannot be of any help to anyone. I could not even speak. Deomo's face took on a strange expression I did not understand. Meela was reaching for him. And as he turned to her call, I left.

Time to rework my life... alone... I do not know when Max will be back... or even if. My heart was broken. I still love and care for Deomo. I still love and care for Meela. And for them... and my love for them... I must let them go. I failed them. I must let them be free of me to find their way together. It hurt to let another daughter go. But it was for the best. Deomo had already placed assurances for her care and wellbeing. I cannot provide for her. I cannot even provide for the Temple. Not without Max to help me administer to it.

I walked away. Ending a chapter in my life.
I wonder what the future will hold for me or what path I must now take.
I wonder if Max will return to me. I know he is alive.

Fire & Snow....

Change of Rules

2005-05-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

There have been some serious changes in the rules and regulation across the galaxy. I was waylaid YET AGAIN! Thankfully for only a few days while the Naboo officials provided some minimal training for me on how the new systems are to work. I am still lost, but at least I am free to be on my way.

First thing, I stopped in to see Meela. She is so big! The doctor says she will need to come out for motor skills for like an hour and then back in she goes before her body destabilizes. I hope to have Deomo with me for that. He missed her as a baby. She is so excited and moving about. Her mind is full of curiosity. And the most important thing on her mind is her Daddy.

I am on my way to him now.

Promise to Max

2005-05-10T00:36:00.000-04:00

I have kept my promise to Max. I met up with Carrick as soon as I was released with the updated licensings. 8 DAYS! They detained me for 8 DYAS!

*sigh*

I am now temporarily a member of TIE guild. Thank you Carrick for your guild's protection. I hope you find sanctuary at my temple whenever you visit Dantooine. I will do my best to not be a burden. If you need my assistance, I will be there.

Now to try to get to Deomo.
DAMN! Stopped by more Imperials! *phew* They reviewed my credentials, noted that I was part of TIE and let me pass! *relieved!*

Waylaid snarl

2005-05-02T23:06:00.000-04:00

I got arrested by the Imperials on my way off Dantooine. Ok, arrested might be a bit of a harsh term. I was detained for legal issues regarding ships, and housing and licensing of armor and weapons. Dammit. And I had just made conact with Carrick from TIE.

They will be detaining me for I don't know how long while we sort this crap out. I need to get out! I need to get stuf done! *growl* Stupid red tape stuff.

I hope Carrick understands I am not "avoiding him".

I also need to get Ebe trained in temple affairs and hook up with Tempestia for training...

AND find DEOMO!

!!!

2005-04-27T19:30:00.000-04:00

Meela is all excited! wriggling and moving and joyous...

DEOMO!

I must get out to see how he is. OK ok... Meela... relax. I will go check on him. I promise to bring him home.

Alone with Meela

2005-04-24T17:59:00.000-04:00

I spent today with Meela. I was not feeling very social or energetic. I missed Max terribly. All the people I am most close to or were most close to are all gone away. I tried meditating... but wept instead. I cannot even touch Meela. She seems listless too and worried. I do not know what is going on with Deomo. I fear he is dying... but cannot reach him. He is still alive... that much I can tell through Meela. Holding on... I hope... for her. She needs him like I need Maxell. This is not a good low mood. But maybe a needed one for spiritual rest.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go hunt and train... and hopefully meet up with Ebe and teach her about the temple. I have a promise to keep.

Scar'let Firecat & Maxell Snow (Fire & Snow)

2005-04-23T01:02:00.000-04:00

Flames, fire
Dancing light
Glowing so softly
Burning fiercely bright

Ice, snow
Cooling touch
Sparkling, frosting
Thought out art

She
Melts his icy exterior
He
Eases her raging fire

In their wake
A temple will grow
Balanced by
Fire and Snow

Last Night Together

2005-04-21T03:50:00.000-04:00

We went up in my empty sorosuub. Just to a nive view of Dantooine and its moons. There among the stars I told Max. I told him how I felt.

I told him... that...

I love him.

He stood there a long time. Quiet. Watching me and smiled. I know. Then he took from his pocket a small ring and approached me, looking deep into my eyes. *oh Max...* Before he could speak, for I knew the words across the bond... before he spoke I raised my hand and placed my fingers gently over his lips to silence him. Shhhhh... no Max. Don't ask me now. Wait till you come back. Ask me then. He swallowed. Then placed the ring in my hand. For safekeeping till I return. I nodded. I kissed him and told him again that I loved him. It was a wonderful feeling to say the words aloud.

*touching my own ring hidden in my own secret pocket... still saving it... for when he gets back*
*As a ring is an eternal circle, so it the love I bear for thee.*

We went up to the deck and curled up together. I wrapped my arms around him. I ran my fingers soothingly through his hair. I purred (a rare thing) for him. Then I gently pressed my cheek to his and whispered in his ear one more time. I love you, Max. I wanted to make sure I said it aloud for him ... make sure he knows it... before he leaves....

We slept our last night together in each other's arms on my ship. In the morning, he took his tie fighter to Dathomir.

Max... I love you.... Come back to me soon.

Max? Leaving?!?!

2005-04-21T03:35:00.000-04:00

My dumb hutt. *grr* I got a ton of emails about paying the maintenance so I rushed over yesterday to pay it. When I got there... *confused* it was paid... for like 40 days. *huhn?* OH! Max... that's right... he mentioned he might do that.

Then I dug out one of the treasure maps I had looted from some pirates and hunted it up. Wow! It was buried real close to the temple! Cool. I dug it up for fun. Usually there is just junk... but this time there was a pretty necklace of a design I had never seen before. Hmmm. Just as I was finishing up, Maxell asked me to come to the temple. Yay! I was hoping we would get some time together. The Nyax insident was a disaster... maybe we can go hunting instead or something. But the tone in his voice was... odd... sad... and concerned. I could feel it along our bond. *worried* I wondered what was up and hurried over to the temple.

As I walked in, I overheard him talking with Ebe about how he had discovered what everyone was trying to tell him about his behavior and that he gave up pistols and is focusing on medic training as a way to deal...but that it was still not really dealing with this problem. He was explaining to her that he was going to go away. *MAX!? Leaving!!???!!* My breath caught. Leaving? First Blimey... then Brem... then Deomo... now Max? Before I get to tell him... tell him... how I feel.... NO! Noooooo.......

Max, Nooooo.... please. Don't leave me!

I must go Scar'let. I need help with my inner demons. I am going to the jedi village on Dathomir. You cannot come with me. I need help Scar'let. I need help. I hope the masters and elders there can help me. Please. Understand. I am not leaving you. I ... need help that you cannot give. I... want to be whole... for you.

He needed my strength now, to face his own demons. He needed my courage and strength and needed to not worry about me while he dealt with this. He hoped this journey will help. Hoped the elders can help. Hoped he would return. *gods... might not come back!!!* NO. He WILL come back. All my strength is his. Well, Meela's first then his.

Gods... going away. Alone. I cannot follow him. I cannot be by his side. He goes where I cannot follow.... Please gods... bring him back to me.

He paid the maintenance up an all the buildings, including the temple for a month or 2 and arranged for a guild... and honourable guild... and Imperial guild named TIE ... to take me in as a member and protect me from other Imperials. The leader's name is Carrick. ME?! Join a guild? An Imperial guild at that?!!! NO WAY!!! He begged me to... so he would not have to worry about me.... *sigh* Ok. But they better not expect me to become Imperial... nor betray me. They are all strangers to me. Ebe vouched for them too... as honourable. Only for you Max... only for you.

He then went on to explain about some dream he had had. That the temple has three parts to it... three key people: me, Max, and someone else... but he did not explain the details of this to me and Ebe. He described that he dreamed he stood on the steps of the temple holding a book and a sword, that he was not the owner of these sacred items, but was their keeper. *shiver* I could sense the Force in his words and almost see the image in my mind. He implored Ebe to stand in his stead and be keeper of the temple, administrator and watchful eye while he was away. She was very concerned about this as she is not really a spiritual person and knows little of the temple. I offered to teach her as a way to get her familiar and a way to practice getting into the rhythm of temple activities. Max was feeling more reassured by this.

Then a strange girl entered the temple and complimented me and Ebe like she was ... how do I say it... the kind of woman who preferes the company of other women. Interesting. Not my thing, but I am not offended by it. I was flattered by her comment, but hope she understands I am not interested. I am Max's... wholely. She is Zabrak. I recognized her as Rebel. Her name is Tempestia. Tempestia!! She is Max's good friend who wanted to speak to me before. Max informed me that she will see to it that I keep up with my fighting training till I am back in form, mentally and physically. While Max ran off to set the security on his other buildings, I got to know Tempestia a bit. We discussed her skills and interests a bit. She is a tiny thing... but deadly. Rifles are her specialty, but she can handle any gun. Ebe vowed that if Max was not back in 2 weeks, that she would hunt him down and drag him back. I vowed to be with her, as did Tempestia. Girl power! Heehee. We all care for you Max. We will come to your aid whenever and if ever you need us.

We parted ways. Max talked with Ebe a bit outside and then came in to meditate at Fyrshka's shrine. He hears her voice so much more clearly that I. I just hear vague whispering. I left him to make his peace and went to meditate in the Blue Room till he was ready. Gods... I have to tell Max. I cannot let him leave without me telling him. He came up and knelt before me. The evening... is for us. One last evening before he leaves. Gods... what shall we do? I told him... as I told Blimey so long ago... anything, anywhere. We will do whatever you most want right now.

Let's go up in space... to the peace among the stars... I want to sleep in your arms one last night.

Dolch & Fyrshka

2005-04-19T08:01:00.000-04:00

Today I stopped in early for my daily visiting with Meela. I love to watch her. She is gowing so fast! The doctor says she is doing very well but may have difficulty speaking when she is out of the grown/incubation unit. Speech should come shortly after... but that it may seem long to me. Supposedly Avios was the same... took a bit of time before he was really talking. He is such a soft spoken young man. Man. He too is all gown up now. So many things have been changing.

I decided that I needed to go meditate at the temple and rethink my skills and tactics. I am way out of practice and the failure at Nyax's was evidence of that. As I walked into the temple... I noticed... someone was there.

*surprise*

DOLCH! Wow! It has been a LONG time since I last saw him!! He too has changed. He gave up being a smuggler... um...businessman... gave up being involved in the criminal scene. He is still an Alliance officer. But now... he is a Starship Expert... and a jedi. He has been visiting Fyrshka's shrine almost every day while I was occupied with Meela. He loved Fyrshka so badly. I can tell. And he never got to tell her so before she was gone. He has decided to become a jedi to try to understand why she did what she did. He misses her terribly. I wish I could ease his pain and loss. He also is committed to protecting the temple... Fyrshka's dream. I am sure that they will one day be reunited. But to have never had the opportunity to tell the other how they felt.

I never want max to leave before I get the chance to tell him how much he means to me... how much I care about him... how much... *I love him*... ... ... If only I could voice the words....

*and the secrets I hold...
the ring hidden these many months in my pocket...
the dreams I have...
the wishes I want to share...
the commitment I want to make*

Struck Down by Lord Nyax

2005-04-17T13:45:00.000-04:00

Spent some time in a cantina and med centre. Why? Max and I got struck down the other day. We met up for some POI exploring. I had this niggling feeling I needed to go back to an old POI I had visited long time ago... where I hear the whispering of dead jedi. The old Lord Nyax Cult Base. I set up camp on Corellia near the Beachfront Mall, where I had met with Ebe. There I played with Keewnye again while I waited for Max to show up. She loves chasing the butterflies.

Max... looks different... "feels" different. I know he is really working through what has happened to him. I wish there was something I can do. Be there. Support him. I don't know what else. *I care Max... tell me what you need from me* He has been working very hard on his medical training. I can sense the Force very stong in him again... not so distorted like before. I wonder if he is getting Force training somewhere. He showed up at my camp with no armor nor weapons, just his pets. *smile* He was in black with his brown hooded cloak. It... softened him some from the harsh military uniform or armor of before. He looked real good. I watched him while he trained Koownye to know a new trick. *smile*

We decided to take the scenic route to the old Lord Nyax POI and travel by mounts. Laghairt was thrilled to be out and about! He was a bit hard to handle with his bouncing around. But he finally settled. Especially when some slice hounds tried to pick a fight. *feral grin* that did not last long. I had a short but fun hunt. With Max helping with his pets and healing as the brief battle ensued. It went well. I haven't hunted in a while and that gave me some confidence that I could still do it.

We were off again when a rebel fired on Max. I could not convince the agent to let up. I tried to get our mounts to outrun, but the agent followed... intent of killing Max. Grrrr.... he ought to go on leave before exploring. *sigh* Max's cat made a meal of the guy. As we crept close to Nyax's the whispering could be heard. It made me a bit nervous because i could not make it out. I was also concerned about Max's empathy there. It is a hard place to be in.

To our surprise... it was occupied!!! It was abandoned for so long! Crap. The Nyax cult followers were back and attacking us! We struggled a bit but cleared out the surface grounds. Max got his first look at the jedi skulls and sabers on display. I was going to ask him what he sensed when more of Nyax's followers attacked. They just kept coming! I decided to route them from the underground installation. We faced a heavy fight.

Then there was Old Lord Nyax himself. Crap. We woke in a nearby cloner. DAMN! Ok... we were definately not ready for that. Kark! Maybe I am not back up to snuff for fighting. Maybe I have been away from it for too long. Maybe... maybe I should be trying to do this? Max could have died for my foolishness. I could have too. Then who would look after Meela. *anxiety* I so sucked at that fight. Dammit. What if I can't protect the things that are dear to me?

I tried to distract myself by sorting my packs. Max bought me a good warhammer to work with and passed me some creds to keep me going. I had collected some interesting things from Nyax's followers and some serious junk. My mind swam a bit from the frustration of that fight. Max healed me and then took me to the cantina for a drink. This is going to bother me for some time. *grumble*

I need better training.

The Force is Everything...

2005-04-10T19:35:00.000-04:00

I prayed... almost without hope. I cast my wishes to the winds to join with the Force. I begged of the gods. I had no idea they were already at work. I had no idea the Force was already in motion. I should not forget... that the Force is everything... and balance is its goal.

Max contacted me today.

He is working on medic training. He hasn't done this in ages.

I was out on Tattooine. I decided to go back and see my first haunts... to try to find myself again. It was a bit strange. So much has changed. Alliance personnel guard the city of Mos Eisley. I passed one as I parked my sorosuub. I walked into the med centre. It smelled the same. It smelled like every other med centre... with the exception of the Tattooine dust scent overlaying everyone's clothing.

I walked past the bazaars and into the cantine. I touched the chair I sat in the first day I arrived and met Jakob... while I waited for Blimey. Blimey... I still wonder what has become of him. He seems to have evaporated like a ghost. Sometimes I wonder if that is all he was. I stood for a while in the spot where Brem danced and talked with me all night. *sad smile* I watched some of the dancers, listened to the idle talk, and looked up people's bios. Something I used to do. And one of the reasons the Alliance hired me. I watch and listen... alot. And no one every really notices me. Just another anti-social drifter. A hunter hoping for some training or a decent contract.

I hiked out to where I used to have a house with a vendor. There is a new house with vendors inside on that very same spot now. Nexus Mall. I looked back over the hill towards Mos Eisley again as the wind tossed up some sand. It feels almost like ages and ages ago. But it hasn't even been a year. There are still 4 months to the one year mark of my initial freedom. Strange. I wish I could take this journey with Max. But instead I hiked back to Mos Eisley and started training with my VK against some of the Desert Demon gang members. Venting some pent up frustration and energy, practicing focus and strikes... training. Deomo would have been proud. Max would have watched as though I was dancing. It feels like dancing.

I was startled me from my focused fight. I founda med that gives a bonus for pistoleers and contacted Maxell. He said something shocking... that... he would likely never be picking up a pistol again. *!!!* He has noticed something... wrong... wrong with himself, for himslef. When did this happen? I stood stunned so long that a Desert Demon knocked me down.

Gods! Thank you! I cleaned up the gang members and dashed back to my ship. Max and I will meet at his and Avios' new hall, the one with the plants Max has been growing. At last! I met a rebel friend of Max's and led him to get placed on leave as he was retirning. It was a quick drive to Wanders End's small base and back.

I then got to just sit... sit on a blue rub and talk with Max. Talk. Hug. Embrace warmly. We are not sure if avoiding the gunfighting will help, but it seems to so far. Who knows what the future will bring. He will help me to cleanse the temple later today. I won't have to do it alone.

I whispered my feelings to Maxell. *I love you*

Ebe also met us. But I was growing exhausted. I am so out of shape. I headed to the tample and curled up in the indoor camp that Max has created for me. And I slept... well... for the first time in a long time. The nightmares were even quiet for a rare change. They usually disturb my sleep without me able to remember much of them. But this time... I slept well. And Max's scent drifted in with him.... *peaceful*

Touching Meela... Remembering Loss

2005-04-09T22:10:00.000-04:00

This afternoon, Avios and Dr. Narheen brought Meela out of the incubation/clone unit thing. OUT!! Out so I can touch her! She was still connected to tubes and wires, but she took a breath and shrieked load enough to scare the crap out of the big cat Maxell left to keep up company. *grin* Avios wrapped her in a blanket and Dr. Narheen gave her a medical exam. Then... then I got to touch her... hold her... feel her soft skin, kiss her tiny fingers and toes. She has gown faster than I expected, 4 months ahead of regualr growth rate and is newborn sized now when she technically should be this for another 3 months. I didn't care. I was holding my beautiful daughter. She was feisty and strong, gripping my thumb. I could feel her searching with her other senses for Deomo, her daddy. *pang* He will regret missing this moment.

I asked about the tubes and wires. She needs then because while some of her is very developed, other more internal parts of her are still growing. Electrodes will also be transfering knowledge and stimilating responses from her mind and body as she continues to develop in the incubation fluids.

Meela. I got to hold her. I got to touch her. *contentment*

Dr. Narheen concluded with ehr examination of Meela and assessment. I don't think I heard much of it. I was too busy looking into Meela's pale blue-green unseeing eyes. I wonder if they will stay that colour? Avios readjusted the BE fluid and the incubation unit with the new information from the medical assessment. I did not want to give Meela up to go back into that machine... but I had to, for her life and safety. *sigh* I watched as Avios held her a moment and he smiled. Something niggled its way into my mind... but not clear enough for me to grasp it. Then he unwrapped her and, careful of the tubing and wires, placed her again into the unit's BE fluids. She fussed and struggled. *shhh.... hush baby... I am here... it will be alright* Deomo... please be safe. I want you here the next time she comes out. She needs you here the next time she comes out. I reached up and pressed my hand to the unit's warm glass surface, reached with my spirit to try to sooth Meela.

Avios put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. He looks so much more grown up now... so much... gods... that niggles thought... yes. He looks so much like his father, so much like Maxell. And he has been doing some battle training, but I know not what for. Wow... so like Maxell... The hair, the eyes... those deep blue eyes... and that soft smile that is so reassuring and gentle... no matter the harshness around. *pang* I had to swallow hard and step from the room.

Max.... .... ....

Max. Where are you? What is wrong with you?

I walked up the stairs to the balcony and looked out across the Dantooine landscape and the sky was darkening to night... with no moon yet showing. Remembering. Remember when Maxell carried me out here and sat with me watching the stars. My knees grew suddenly weak and I sank to the ground. My hands still gripping the railing till my knuckes went white. My chest tightened. My throat closed. I swallowed hard again and pressed my brow to the balcony posts. I could not stop the tears that came....

Gods... please...
please...
help Max...
help me to help Max...

Please...

Bring my love back to me whole...

please.... .... ....

Uncertainly Alone

2005-04-07T22:02:00.000-04:00

Everyday I have been spending some time with Meela and meditating and reviewing my training, both spiritual and physical. I am almost back up to par for getting back into the swing of hunting and temple duties.

I have not heard from Max all week. *worried*

Ebe contacted me and let me know that someone named Tempestia wants to see me. Why does that name see, familiar? Oh yeah! She is an old friend of Maxell's... her name was on his contacts list. Damn. Did he have a wierdness episode on her too?
What makes him flip to bloodthirsty? And what makes him flip back? Why? What is going on? How can I help?

Sunday, the new crescent moon crests the horizon... I will do a temple cleansing... alone I guess...

*feeling alone and a bit lost without Max*

Meela feels alone too. I remind her often that Daddy still loves her and will be back as soon as he can. Deomo... come back soon. Meela needs you.

Max...

come back to me soon...

I need you....

Talking with Ebe

2005-04-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

I tagged Ebe on my way to see Meela this evening. Ebe and I have to talk about Maxell. She is as worried as I am. We will meet up on Corellia in a little while.

Meela is so beautiful. I can see her moving her fingers and toes, stretching her small legs. Dr. Narheen says Meela will have to come out of the unit soon for a short recallibration. She has grown so fast. She is almost newborn sized already. I wish Deomo could be here to see. I have a terrible feeling he won't be though.

Ebe and I met near the BeachFront Mall just outside Coronet. OMGs has Coronet changed!!! There is not this huge huge city growing up around Coronet... full of merchants. It reminds me of Merchant Town on the Corellia of the Corbantic dimension... way way back when I first met up with Blimey. I miss him sometimes. I hope he is doing well. Anyways, I checked out the mall while I waited for Ebe to arrive. It is quite amazing! I will have to show Max this!! It has palm fronds! And Meditaion pillows!! I have been looking for palm fronds for a long time. WOW! ouch... Palm fronds cost one million credits! I guess I will just keep lookiing.

Max. I set up a camp on the beach near the mall. I called Koownye to play with me. Koownye. *smile* I remember when Max gave her to me. It was after a party, just after I changed back into hunting clothes. Koownye... Cuimhnigh... remember... to remember that I can always trust him. I let her chase after some local rodants and vermin while I sat in camp.

Ebe finally met up with me. It was good to talk to a new face, a friendly face. She is a wonderful woman... and a good friend. We both care deeply for Max... (she was once his wife... and is the father of his first child). We discussed the strangeness of his recent behavior. But we decided to let things go for now... give him some time and space. We also thought it mught be good to watch over him too... and give him opportunities to release the feral more productively. She will try to be with him when he does his Imperial mission. I will hunt with him... if he will. I hope he does. I need to release too... and need to hunt.

We parted ways as the sun set and I spent the remainder of the evening listening to the waves on the beach from my camp. *peaceful*

Confusion with Max

2005-03-31T15:42:00.000-05:00

It has been nearly 2 weeks since I last saw Max. He has been avoiding me. The feelings along the bond have been a dark jumble of self hatred, guilt, shame, feral bloodlust... and more. I know he feels horrible for hurting me. I have tried to let him know it was not that bad. And that it was not his fault.

But he just shuts me out.
Of all things... that... THAT... hurts the absolute most.

I have tried to keep myself occupied with Meela and my exercises. When Max is ready to see me... he will... won't he? I pray that he does not hate himself so much that he no longer love me. I have been watching Meela in her incubation with fascination. I wish Deomo could see her. I hope he is doing well against that pendant. Sometimes Meela is upset and i have to keep her close to me in spirit. She misses him so much it pains my heart. I try to reassure her that daddy will be back. He too has been gone so long. I am worried.

Today I needed to get out and get some air. I walked over to my hut to pay the maintenance. As I stepped out of Avios' facility, I noticed that the Trandoshan guard was gone. Avios also has not been around much. *And Dr. Narheen is not very nice company* There was a GuildHall just outside in Avios' name. It was locked to me. The walk to my hut revealed that even the plantlife on Dantooine has been growing like Meela. There seemed to be more trees and the flowers are huge. Maybe I have been holed up for so long I had forgotten.

In the temple, there was an odd feeling. A shade of darkness. The feeling like I need to recleabse the space. I will do that at the next New Moon. I wonder if it is just spiritual neglect or if something happened. The Accolade and Avios' assistant are both gone. Odd.

I tried again to reach Max. I was hit hard by his feelings of shame. He was apologizing for hurting me. He wanted to avoid me... to avoid hurting me more. I tried hard to reassure him. I could vaguely sense the feral there in him and an ensuing fight. *worried* I quickly stopped in to see Meela and touch the glass and let her know that I would not be gone too long and that I would be close by soon. Then I headed out to try to help Max, reassure him I was fine, sooth his sense of shame. He urged me to stay away. I stopped in to Azrith and fixed my bike and check my finances. Damn. need to do some missions soon. Later. Max is my current priority. *concerned*

I tracked him to Hendola's outskirts where he was fighting, without his cats. Battling the Rebels there who had set up some bases. He was doing grunt work. It was strange to see. I hung back and spoke to one of the officers. They said he was raging. i got a clearance to go into the base and see what was going on. Max came in shortly after and glared at me. The experience sent all the hairs on my neck up and kicked up my instictive defences. I backed out carefully and reported to the officer, then got put back on leave. I was in no shape yet for that kind if fighting. AND, I would NOT fight Max... not even if I was ordered to. I encountered and exchanged some tense words with a man named Zultan. But thankfully we did not fight. I would surely be dead. I left the scene to collect my thoughts and try to keep calm.

Max. Oh Max. What is going on? He has me almost completely shut out. I... I know the dark side he can have to him. It comes with the territory of his job... and his nature. But to see him like Deomo was when I first met Deomo... What is happening? Why?

After about an hour, I headed over to Max's Hendola home to try to meditate on his blue carpet near the pool. I bowed to the trainer in the garden. The Teras Kasi trainer. The swordman trainer was gone. I entered the house and peeked over the pool's side to see if it had water in it this time. Max was there! Bathing the blood and grime off of him. I... felt like I intruded. I... quickly left the house. Max came bounding out practically naked and overjoyed to see me. I... I wanted to be just as overjoyed to see him. But something felt strange. *uncertain* It was like he had no sense of shame for frustration. He was giddy and happy... it was... such a sudden flip flop of emotions I could not catch up with it and really could not understand the suddent change of STAY AWAY to YAY YOU ARE HERE. It was almost like he was high on something. But he wasn't. Also... he had like no memory of the past 3 weeks. No recollection of meeting Highway, or Brem in Theed. No memory of helping me in Agro. No memory of the *blush* lustful interlude we had on his ship... or that that interlude caused me a bit of harm. No memory.

I tried to sift through the feelings and connections along the bond... even dared step past my empathic walls a bit, desperate to understand. He seems to have holed up all the dark and dangerous side of him behind deep dark walls... that struck at me when I poked at them. I SAID STAY AWAY! I AM NOT READY! BE HAPPY WITH WHAT IS LEFT! *!!!???!!!* What the Kark? I will have to speak with Ebe on this... and maybe tag a few others I know to have been close to Max and see if they have noticed anything. I... don't know what to do. It worried me. It made me nervous. Not scared... but nervous.

I am happy with whatever of Max I can be with. When he is ready to share with me... I hope he will. This still worries me and I wish I could help. I will leave this be for now... but it is not forgotten. It was like being with a split personality Max. Had I not known the guilt-ridden feeling he had before... I might not have noticed anything wrong and been just as giddy to see him. But I know the feelings he had earlier... and this put me a bit on edge. I could not even bring myself to hug him. I was so uncertain of him. *sad*

I tried to let things slide and to talk of other matters. Max has acquired some sensitive plants that give healing fruits. He is growing them in that Hall of his and Avios'. We went out to see them. He was so proud of them. I think he is taking a great liking to growing plants. He said it is soothing. *smile* The plants were strange to see but very interesting. I kept my hands tucked in my pockets to avoid touching them. Just in case. Max did say they were sensitive. The Hall was well decorated. It was very Imperial in decor and the Generic architecture gave it a bit of a sterile look, but Max really is an amazing decorator. He complained that the Hall was packed full of stuff and I did not see how... untill I went into the basement. HOLY Kaadus!!! Pack full of armor, weapons, harvested goods, housing deeds, other building deeds... KARK! It looks like the troage space for someone waiting to build a city! He firmly stated that he had no intention of ever doing THAT again.

The excursion and stress was now beginning to sap my energy. We headed over to the temple. We were going to curl up together like we used to. I still felt a bit awkward... like i did not really know this man before me.... yet did. i stretched out on the bed facing the end. He curled on the floor and propped his head on the bed. *smile* I ran my fingers through his hair as I drifted to sleep. Before sleep could claim me... I reached along the small bond I have with Meela and hummed to her as best I can.

What Happened?

2005-03-29T21:34:00.000-05:00

I have been very occupied lately with healing and doing prescribed exercises. And with spending time watching Meela. She is growing! It is AMAZING! You never see this when a child is inside you. I can see her little fingers and toes! She makes facial expressions too! What happened to the time?! She is growing so fast! And oh boy is she ever feisty!!! I forbade Dr. Narheen from doing any genetic manipulations on her. I understand this may mean a challenging child. But... Between Deomo and I... she will learn control. And maybe even better ways to directing her feral nature. I shouldn't talk. I don't have great control myself.

The meditaions over the past week or so have helped immensely. The only problem I have had... is with Max. *sad* He... has been avoiding me. I can feel that he thinks of me and wants to get close and them this dark rise of anguish clouds me out. He is shutting me out. Why? What did I do? Is it guilt that he was feeling before or something else? Max... I am fine... really!

Max.... Max? Please...

Max?

I need you... please don't shut me out.
What happened? What did I do?
Max? Please...

:(

Suffering for stupidity

2005-03-19T17:36:00.000-05:00

Well... that hurt. *sigh* The feral called out on the Tai'shan bond so strong I could not resist it and in the heat of our passions, so sson after the surgery, I incurred some damage. Not alot... but it was painful. Abdominal muscletension, working out the areas around the uterous... and the lusting (I can't call it anything else... it was lusting)... strained the internal stitching. The external stitching heals faster than the internal stitching. I was receiving cervical stims for the pain and swelling. Thankfully, no real bad damage. There will be some bleeding but nothing to worry about. I was too active too soon. Dr. Narheen recommends low-impact exercises. If I get out and about, nothing "strenuous".

Gods... she cussed and cursed about the taishan bonding like it is the worst thing that could happen to a Zabrak. I think Max is one of the few truly wonderful things that has happened to me in my life. Deomo and Meela are another. What we share via the taishan... can hardly be explained. But I would not give it up.

I did some exercises and meditation. I talked alot to Meela. Sometimes she is all calm, sometimes she is all stressed and upset and fussy. We are finding out that some foods she already does not like. I was right on the eggs. Only the benefit is I do not have to be sick for it. *smirk* I wrap my energy around her and keep her close. I have been trying to sing some of the songs I remember hearing as a child. But none seem to really make her happy. Humming to her the tune Deomo hummed... *smile* that works, but not as well as when he hums it. She is really daddy's little girl.

What will I do? What can I do?

Max has been fretting and brooding. He is turmoil inside... but ... No motter how often I tell him it is ok... it doesn't seem to be. He is just eating himself up. I am thinking... I would like to have him meditate with me one evening. Maybe a different kind of union will be helpful. There are so many things I was to say to him. And while I know he can feel them... the claruty... it is like there are blocks between us. I thought physical union removed those blocks. what are we missing? Something in the communication is missing. Is it me?

Max...
*If I could I'd tell you,
I would tell you how I feel ,
when I'm close to you
At times I'd wish that my heart could tell you
how Much I love you,
but my heart speaks in whispers...
If my heart could speak
you'd know
That I love you so
and I'll never let you go
If you can feel what I felt just now, kiss me
To prove that your love for me is true
Two hearts that beat as one,
send signals To each other in whispers
I would tell you how I felt,
if i could find the words
To describe the way I feel when you are near
Whenever you are by my side
What I feel inside is deep
and I just don't know What to say
because my words get in the way
Everytime I try to say (I love you) what I feel ... Deep inside (I love you)*
{lyrics from song Whisper by Usher}

Feral called to feral along a single Tai'shan bond

2005-03-16T23:48:00.000-05:00

I woke a bit sore from my before sleep katas. Meela on my mind.

Was meditating in front of Meela. She is confused and misses her father. She is too little to understand what is going on and why. I tried to reassure her. I wish I could hold and cuddle her in my arms... *sigh* A I looked at her in the incubation unit, I noticed... she is... bigger. Dr. Narheen announced that she has grown a whole inch. A whole INCH! Already!? Wow... Deomo will be so surprised!

Assured that Meela was doing well, I went over to the Temple roof for more katas. MAX! I was startled from my routine. MAX!! *excitement* Max was almost done his missions. YAY!!! I started my routine over again as I forgot where I was at. After a shower, I checked the maintenance of my storage hut and then decided to just... follow the river in front of the temple, westward, for a while... at least till i felt lost and dug out my map. Then rode over to the Agro starport and put away my swoop.

WACK!!
*feral rising*
I turned, blade suddenly in hand. Pirates. I was about to be ganked again. *FERAL*

..... ..... .....

*disorientation*

Max was yelling through both my comm and along pur bond. TAISHAN!!! SPEAK TO ME!!! TAISHAN!!! *disorientation* I looked about at the bloodbath and bodies strewn about the starport... looked in wonderment... and revulsion... *rise of the feral... urge to lick the blood from my blade* TAISHAN!!! *startled* Max? Where was I? Where was I going? Agro. He told me to go sit in the med centre, that he was on his way. I had no memory of what transpired. The feral was so close with such strong urges. It calls to me. Echoes along the bond to Max. Rings in my ears when I smell the fresh air. Gods... what is coming over me? Is it because I was cooped up for so long? With shaking hands I pulled out my datapad as I sat on the medical bed waiting for max to arrive. Max kept talking to me, kept me talking... till most of the disorientation subsided. He asked me to jot down a wp: -4996, -4215 Yavin. He said something about interesting plant life he wants to show me later. When he arrived, he checked all my wounds. I had cold laser weapon burns, bruises and a few cuts and scrapes, but was otherwise ok. Even the stitches from my surgery were fine. I relished Max's touch and had to focus hard to keep the feral from rising again. This was hardly the time nor the place!

*sigh*

We traveled to Theed. Rebels?! The Alliance flags were all over the city! WOOHOO!!! We control the planet!!! DAMN! They attacked Max on sight! Nooooo! Stop!!! Dammit. *sigh* they shot at each other. Max was unharmed. Then Brem walked up. BREM!!! I bounded over and hugged him! I told him of Meela and how things were. He told us his guild attempt was a failure... and told us that he got married! WOW! To a Twi'lek named Gucci. CONGRATS! He also told us he will be having a fashion show at the end of April. He is still a tailor but has worked back up to master pikeman again. Max and Brem talked for a while more. I found a quiet spot and dropped into meditation. I checked the links and bonds to Meela and was comfortable with the balance I felt there. She still wants her daddy. I am sure he will come to her soon. Deomo... I hope you come for her soon. She misses him.

Brem finally left with hugs. Max and I headed over to the cantina... but it was too crowded so we left and ran into a Master ranger who greeted us like he knew us. His name is Highway. We exchanged news about hunting and space missions. He has flown once with Max. But he knew us most through Ebe. They are apparently seeing each other. Max did not react to this very well at all. I dare say he was... jealous? I struggled to not pull his gun and shoot the man. I swayed the conversation and gave us an out to leave. Kark Max... Ebe has every right to have another relationship now too. That was a tense moment.

We went up into Max's sorosuub and into space for a bit to decide what to do, where to go, what to explore. The smell... the memories... the sight of the Nabooian nebulas all blue and green. I wanted to hold Max and feel him close to me. The feral danced at the edge of my senses calling me. In the upper deck, I kicked off my shoes again and smiles at the feel of the soft velour carpet under my bare feet. I was being silly. I was so wrapped up in the happy feeling of being out here that I didn realize Max had come up behind me and was smiling at my silliness. *blush*

I turned... all shy. We touched. We kissed. The feral rose with such desire. It called along the bond... untroubled and no longer split between two taishan bonds. The force of it I could not resist. Gods... I ... lusted. I lusted for Max. It rolled along the bond and washed through him calling the same feeling from him. Taishan urges and feral nature took over in the heat of intense pleasure. It dictated the next hour or so.

*wince*

Too intense.

*wince* Should have waited another day or so. *worry... guilt... shame...* Max rushed me back to Dr. Narheen. I strained the internal stitches. I could feel Max tearing himself apart with guilt at having hurt me. He didn't really. *sigh* Back to bed rest and doctor supervision. Dammit. She railed into Max something fierce, berating him for the stupidity of our action. Then she cursed about the taishan bonding and how much of a nuisance it is. If she had her way, she would slice Meela's genes and remove from her the feral and the ability to bond taishan (if she could).

*Max... I will be ok. It is not your fault.*

First Jaunt after Surgery: Max' & Deo's

2005-03-15T23:18:00.000-05:00

As I understand, Naboo has fallen to Imperial contral and there is major Imperial force in Theed. So after my nap, i rode to Azrith, then shuttled to an empty Agro starport. Instead of going to Theed as usual, i flew to Moenia. Moenia will forever be under Rebel Alliance control... if not that then at least under Borvo the Hutt's control... and he still like me.

In the Moenia Starport, I met someone intersting. An Alliance officer, superior rank to me. His name is Macarthur. He was very friendly and I got an amazing feeling off him. I senses such a good an honourable soul. We chatted a bit. He runs a swoop vendor on Rori. It was a pleasant conversation in a not crowded environment. He said to add him to my contact list and feel free to say hi anytime. Will do. I do actually like meeting people and talking and learning about them... just not in massively crowded areas.

I hopped a shuttle to Hendola and walked over to Max's. I stopped at a distance... *smile* remembering how Max had walked me over with his hands over my eyes and giddiness in his energy. When he lifted his hands from my eyes, I was surprised with a garden just outside his front door. And in that garder were two trainers hired there for me for as long as I might need them: a Teras Kasi trainer and a swordsman trainer. *beam* I walked over and bowed to each respectfully. They mildly chastized me for being out of shape and form, but they knew what I was going through. I will see them again soon... for training.

I wandered into Max's home and patted his razorcat by the front door. I stopped in the main room and took off my boots. Max's scent filled the room. I walked a bit on the rug with my bare feet smiling. I looked about the room at the plants and the four spiritual trees: Honour, Will, Strength, and Faith. Then peaked over the edge of his pool like I did many months ago. *!!!* It was empty! No water. Guess it doesn't have to be filled with water all the time, especially with Max away. I checked on the maintenance on the way out. Why should I even worry about it? *smile* Max is so good at this sort of thing.

I nounted my swoop and decided to gurr it cross country to Deomo's new house for him and Meela. I sped over the water kicking up a spray of it and giggled. Rode low across the fields with the winds. I had to stop occassionally to just touch things... like the grass, the bushes, the trees, swamp water... a spider. Hehe. Masked my scent so nastier critters did not stalk me. Sped over another lake to park on the point of an island with a large castle-like building overlooking the lake. The Iafik residence. I stood for a long while on the front porch admiring the view.

As I crossed under the archway to the front door, all my senses tingled.
Deomo was inside.
I rushed to the door.
It was locked. I was locked out.
I could sense more clearly now that he was deep in battle with the spirit of the pendant.
I calmed my minds and dropped into meditation.
But Deomo was beyond my reach....
Deo... this is your battle and yours alone... I can no longer help you.
Battle for your soul Deomo... for the love of your/our daughter, Meela...
I stood and by some strange instinct drew a symbol on his front door with my finger, with the Force... an ancient symbol of blessing... wishing Deomo luck and wisdom... strength... and honour....

Time for me to go. I can do nothing here. The best help I can offer is to take care of Meela. So back I go to Avios' and to sleep with Meela nearby.

First Jaunt after Surgery: Azrith Mall & Temple Katas

2005-03-15T21:09:00.001-05:00

Landed in Azrith to light rain. I am not going to complain about it this time... I... actually kinda missed it... *grin*

I roamed Azrith a bit... rememebring getting missions with maxell from here. *smile* I miss that too. I hope to do that again soon! I walked to the Mall there to see if it was still locked to me. An ATST was outside... abandoned by someone named Sou. Just standing there doing nothing. *shrug* Walked to the mall door. Nope, not locked. YAY! In a strolled. *frown* very little changed. I checked out the few vendors. I sighed as they carried nothing to some of the same old same old that I had seen months ago. Then a womans cheery voice startled me. Denna was her name. And she is one of two wives to Rahl. She is mayor of Azrith now and a member of RLD there. I almost grabbed missions on my way out like Max and i have done in the past. But thought better of it. I am not yet ready for that.

I passed the trainers on my way to the garage. TRAINERS! MAX!! *BIG GRIN* Max had hired trainers for me in Hendola! I remember! Oh... I should head out there and say hi to them. Check on Max's Hendola home... and look in on the house Deomo built for him and Meela. But first... off to the Temple. Called up my swoop and did some repairs on it at the garage. With that taken care of, I sped out to the Temple.

I walked in and was again hit by the scents... Maxell, the fountain, Avios, the candles, the kittens. *smile* The small stool with the crystal for training was still in the center of the ritual space. It reminded me of the training I did with Deomo. I hope he is doing well. i checked on the kittens downstairs and sifted through our backpacks. I could not help taking out Maxell's cloak and sitting for a bit all bundled in it, breathing in the scent of him... pretending to be wrapped in his embrace. *contented sigh* Soon. Soon I hope. he will be back from his missions and we can spend some time together. I relunctantly placed his duster cloak back into his pack and proceeded to the office where the assistant there greeted me. *bow* He has been doing a great job and I made sure to tell him so. I repacked my backpack with hunting supplies and all and pulled out my Ubese and padded armor, the awesome padded armor that Deomo got for me. it felt sooooo good to pull on the Ubese pants, hunting shirt, padded boots and jacket. Ahhhhhhh... I then climbed the stairs, pausing to smile at the calm feeling I got from the meditation rooms, on my way to the roof of the Temple.

On the roof... the view was spectacular. I had forgotten it. I stepped out into the waning sunshine as memories flooded my mind. Brem and I racing our lizard mounts like playful children around the roof. The dark silouette of Deomo on the far end of the roof turning to speak to me when I was so stressed "You know, it is ok to let go, to not always be strong Scar'let." And sitting with Max... watching the sunset. I sat there to watch the sun set again... Oh max... I want you here with me. *sigh*

Once the sun was set I stood with new determination. I have to be able to do things on my own too. I have to be able to get back into hunting and running this temple. I need to get back to training, both the battle sorts and the clergy sort. I knelt and calmed my mind. Breathed deep and let my mind and body relax. I centered myself and graounded my energy into the here and now. Balance. Shifted... into meditation... letting the thoughts and stresses go... pulling in my focus... and solidifying me conviction to get back into form. I stood and stretched slowly. Jogged about the roof a round to warm up. And began to work out the kinks and remember all my old battle moves....

Unarmed Combat
- stances and steps, strikes and blocks
- dirty street fighting moves
- one and two handed impact hits
- stunning blows
- backhand strikes and swings
- kicks and sweeps

I paused to take out my vibroknuckler (VK) and go through it all again with the weapon in hand including some moved specific to the use of this weapon. When I was done, i put away the VK and walked the roof perimeter to slow my heart and breathe easier. Dropped to meditation again to rebalance and go over it all in my mind.

Then I stood, focuses, and drew my old 1H (one-handed) fencing sword. I took a few swings to remind myself of the feel of it. I know I will be giving it up soon.

Fencing Combat and Defence
- swings and strikes
- blocks and parries
- dizzying head shot
- fencing footwork and the grace in the dance (things I will apply to my sword work)

I walked again arond the rood and set aside the fencing sword. Dropped into meditation pose again for another rebalancing. The next challenge is to work through all the sword techniques. I drew the trusty 2H (two-handed) curved sword that Dolch gave me. I hefted the blade in my hands to get used to its weight. This... this suited me perfectly.

Sword Combat
- basic 2H sword techniques
- precision strikes
- blade sweeps
- finesse and balance
- fatal spinning attacks
- area swings and srtikes
- head shots
- high and low swings and sweeps

*pant pant*

I sheathed the sword and jogged the roof perimeter again, then walked it two more times to cool down. Did some more stretching and knelt finally into meditation again. The sky brooded then burst into a short light rain. I went inside for a shower and to clean and dry my clothes and armor. Wow... i was tired out!! Damn. But the shower helped. I will go through this routine morning and night for a week to get back into form. Time for a short nap.

First Jaunt after Surgery: Feral in Agro

2005-03-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

I sat and ate and listened... and tacked away at my datapad. Every pause was filled with thoughts... Maxell... *smile* Just consider me thinking of him in the background... as... he is always on my mind. I MISS HIM!!!

*sigh*

The Dantooine Mining Outpost was still busy. Hunters coming and going. Travelers, too. There were several people yelling about their services. Doctors and entertainers. There were also group leaders hollering for hunting groups. Hunters gathering solo missions. Even merchants trying to hok their brandy, meds, and some with drugs like spice (pixies and muon gold). Time to head out again. The crowd is getting a bit rowdy here... too much for my comfort.

I landed in Agro port... and was immediate ganked by the pirates! Three... then 5... then 14... I was overwhelmed with no medical enhancements. My light armor was not helping much. I struggled to pull my sword. I was knocked to the ground. *forced equilibrium... feral rising* Up I stood, blade in hand. *snarl* FLASH SLICE SWING. And the dance began... *imagining the feeling of focused feral behind me watching my every move as two great cats join me*

It was over and I was still swinging. *confusion* No one was left standing but me... panting. I was so sure Max was there with his cats. *confusion* I cleaned my blade, looted the stupid pirates and boarded the shuttle to Azrith... still a bit disoriented. I hadn't lost myself to the feral like that for a while. Makes me a bit nervous. I almost blacked out in a way... no memory of what i did exactly or how I managed to ill them all. Normally I can't and have to beg for help. I sat on the shuttle trying to gather my thoughts and calm down.

First Jaunt after Surgery: Saladrim & the Yacht

2005-03-15T19:11:00.000-05:00

My initial checks on the Temple showed it was clean and well maintained. Max's scent was on the air, so he must have been here recently to ensure all was well. *grateful* So I called up my swoop and headed to Azrith to catch the shuttle over to Mining Outpost here on Dantooine ... just to see what was going on. I had this... feeling... to go there...

BUSY! CROWDED! I almost left right away. *tense* Then Saladrim walked up to me, placing himself between me and the crowds. *smile* I wonder if he knows he is doing this or does it unconsciously. He has been one of the few docs in the public that I trust. He is keenly intuitive. We chatted lightly in the open air while hunters rushed about. With his usual shyness, he told me he is now mayor of the WIKAN guild city here on Dantooine. We have a language barrier as his basic is rough. He speaks mostly Spanish, one of the human dialects. I think he is embarrassed that he has difficulty. I understand him just fine though. And he understands me. He suddenly beamed and nearly bounced with joy as he showed me his Master Pilot certification. *smile* Then he proudly announced that he has a Yacht... a YT1300... and asked if I would like to come up and see it. As a chance to get out of the now growing crowd... absolutely!

Davh, another WIKAN guild member, stopped by as we headed to the starport. Pleasantries were exchanged, but Davh had a hunt mission to go to.

Saladrim took my arm gentlemanly, and escorted me to his ship. As we boarded he asked about the preganancy and my health, nodded approval that I was seeing a specialist. Noted I was different as I explained the child was incubation and safe. He smiled. Nodded. And walked me aboard his ship. He sensed I would not tell him more on the issue but was glad to see me well for a change.

The yacht was INCREDIBLE! HUGE! Saladrim gave me a tour. We started in the cockpit which seats FOUR! As we walked abut the ship he explained the different rooms and stuff. There are panels on the inside where people can make repairs from the inside while still in space. Looted cargo gets tractor-beamed into the cargo holds. And there are a few large rooms. One was set-up like a meeting room. He is so proud of this ship of his. It is a yacht like the Sorosuub but can fight as well! It is the same schematics as the legendary Millenium Falcon. This was a ton of fun!! We landed after a short hop through space, back in the Mining Outpost.

He had to meet up with his guild. I sat and pulled some food from my pack to eat while I listened to the news in the starport.

Declared well!

2005-03-15T16:28:00.000-05:00

Today, while Max was still out doing whatever duty he was called to, I was declared by Dr. Narheen to be well enough to return to full activity.

*HUGE SMILE*

I have such plans... Oh Max... I hope you can find some time for me from your duty. I want to explore the galaxy all over, fresh... with you. I want to dance with blades and train and hunt ... with you.

I want to hold you close beneath the Nabooian stars... and feel your heart beating as I lay my head upon your bare chest blanketed only by the sky...

Couple Steps Closer to Healed

2005-03-14T02:27:00.000-05:00

Two days of careful healing and slow walking and I am at last permitted back to minimal regular life. I have been doing stretching, prescribed by Dr. Narheen, supervised my Maxell, the Doctor and Avios. *smile* Strength and honour. *Where did I hear that?* I will work hard and carefully to be back to where I need to be to get back into training and managing the temple. I am healing well. Dr. Narheen wants to still do tests and keep monitoring me regularly for the next few months. I have not yet been brave enough to ask her about my chances of having a future child. Later. I will ask later.

I have gotten back into meditating too. I meditate on the balcony. *stairs are good exercise!* And I meditate in front of Meela. I try to tell her all about me and and what I have learned as a priestess and how I have taught her father. I can sense she is stressed about him. So, I hold her spirit close to mine in the loving embrace of a mother... and try to shine for Deomo. Strength and Honour Deomo... Cuimhnigh... come back to Meela. Come back safe and well. Please. Oh gods and spirits, oh ancesors of my family and his, I pray to you all... please help him to come back to his daughter safe.

*sigh*

Maxell has stepped out for a bit. He has headed out to tend to maintenance, administration, business... and his own work. He works so hard to make everything still keep going even when I cannot. He compliments me. I hope I compliment him.

Here I am now, datapad in hand, out on the balcony looking out across the Dantooine landscape or tundra and near desert, out and the extremely starry sky. Change is on the wind. I have yet to get back into the activity of the galaxy and see how it has changed. It will be so new to me. It will be like seeing it for the first time. maybe I will POI hunt all over again... with Max. *smile* maybe I will try my hand again at flying. Avios mentioned an interest in it. Maybe I will take him up if he thinks he can stomache my flying. *embarrassed* Yes... change is on the wind... But what kind?

Mending in Max's Embrace

2005-03-11T04:21:00.000-05:00

I had much more energy today. I was permitted to dress and move about with assistance. It still hurt like a sharp stab... but bearable. I wanted... needed to see Meela. I dressed in my black skirt and black shirt, neither were tight or constricting.

With Max to lean on, I walked up to the unit containing her small form floating in the BE fluid. She looks so perfect... a perfect little Zabrak nearly fully formed and just the size of my hand. I reached up and pressed my hand to the glass. She stirred at my presense as I reached with the Force out to her. It was really quite amazing to see her. Avios really did an incredible job. She is so comfortable in there. I can feel it. I must have stood there for 20 minutes or more. Max grew concerned and tentatively touched my shoulder. Then he stepped up to wrap his arms around me. And we both looked at her for a few more minutes. I hope Deomo fairs well against the pendant. I worry much for him... for Meela. If the worst should happen, I know Max will be as much a father to her as if she were his own. But she will know he is not her father. I will tell her stories of her father and his deeds... if I have to pry the info out of every SSS member myself. I know Deomo has done cruel terrible things... but he has done wonderful things too. She will know them all. *Deomo... please be well... for her*

I turned to Max and asked to go outside, if there was a balcony to this building. He faced me and as he put his arm around me to carry me there, I was overcome with this sudden urge and need to embrace him and hold him tight. It was like I have not held or touched him in months. I clung to him with my arms as strongly as my spirit did over the past few days. The scent of him. The warmth of his body. GODS! I have missed him so. Despite that he might have been exhausted he summoned strength and lifted me. I buried my face in his shoulder as he carried my up the first flight of stairs to the main floor.

There *!!!* was a trandoshan in the main room! He barked his warning as we approached and Max ordered him to stand down. With some difficulty, Max saluted him. The trandoshan saluted back. We continued our climb to the second floor all the way around to the balcony. There he set me to stand on my own. Tears nearly stung my eyes with relief at the sight and smell of the fresh air. Cool and clear. I stepped to the railing and leaned my hands on it for support. The world looked so different... felt so different. The air was crisp. I asked Max whether it was morning or evening for I could not tell. He smiled a small right-sided quirky smile that dimples that cheek slightly. He honestly didn't know as he had not left my side. I watched him... marveling how I missed that smile, that small dimple, those deep blue eyes. I glanced for a second out at the sky as something sparkled in Max's eyes, reflected from the sky. Stars! *smile* So it was evening. I leand into Max, growing tired from the standing already. He sat back against the wall and I sat in his lap his cloak about me, and his arms. We just sat there for hours and the evening deepened into night. Clouds rolled in with speed as they only do on Dantooine and began a light rain. Max lifted the hood to cover my head and let me know that if I grew cold or damp that we would go inside. I protested. I will endure the rain to stay ourside. I did not have to endure long. It evaporated quickly and the stars shone brightly moments later.

Max began to yawn. He is so tired. He has given so much of himself to me. He asked the doctor if it was safe for me to sleep out here with him and gained reluctant permission. We snuggled close. *wince* Relaxed. Snuggled... and slept. I woke to still see the stars of the predawn. I reached over to the datapad I had pocketed in the cloak and here I have updated my journal at last. I could not resist watching Max sleep, nor could I resist running my fingers through his slightly greying hair. He slept so soundly, he never noticed. *smile*

Alert... somewhat

2005-03-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a bit of a better day. Maybe I am healing. I feel like a pin-cushion... stim shots, IV fluids, more stim shots. Med shots, too. But I seem to be healing. I apparently lost alot of blood and it is slow to regenerate. Otherwise, the surgery incision is healing well. I feel like I have more energy, as in I can stay alert somewhat for much longer.

*smile*

And talk with Max. Just talk. He was telling me the news. The Galactic Civil War has escalated. It is a good thing I put my papers in to be on On Leave status.

Lothar arrived... I am not sure I know him. He seemed familiar. He approached Meela's unit and looked at it and then Max and Dr. Narheen provided him with DNA sample of Deomo. Something about a promise Max made to Deomo should Deo... fail.... *anxiety*

I did not have enough energy to be up though. Max took care to sponge bathe me and Dr. Narheen placed another bacta-bandage on me. If I keep imroving, I may be up and about in a few days.

I must remember to speak to Dr. Narheen and ask about the future... my future chances... of having another child. Can I? Or is this all that will happen again? Will this surgery cause me to never have children again? What if Max and I.... I need to speak with her.

Cuimhnigh Deomo...

2005-03-09T18:23:00.000-05:00

Deomo... cuimhnigh...

Remember...

I will always love you. There is a place for you always in my heart.
And remember, I will never give up on you... ever... no matter what...

So, fight that evil spirit with all you got...
Fight it for what our taishan bond created... our daughter... Meela...
Fight for her, Deomo...

Remember her... never give up...

Can't help Deomo...

2005-03-09T16:13:00.000-05:00

Last night I stirred. I had a little strength. I wanted to be up. I wanted to see Meela in the incubation unit. I wanted to see Deomo. I wanted to see Max... and be held by him. But I did not have that much strength.

There were conversations going on around me. I could only catch snippits ... and can hardly recall even the questions Max was asking me.

Deomo. He is out of time. *stressed* He took my hand when I begged to hold him. As he came closer... my gods... the pendant is changing him. If I close my eyes, though, I can still feel... it is Deomo in spirit, not some evil infiltrating spirit. He and I no longer have a connection of Tai'shan. It served a purpose... but what purpose? To ignite this pendant? To ferret out an evil spirit gone awol from the council of shadow ancestors? To inspire Deomo to a sense of self-worth worthy of one day leading a tribe of his own? To bring into this world a girl so strong with the feral she might not live a sentient life?

Yes. I heard Dr. Nahreen say it. When will become of our, Deomo's and mine, our daughter?

What will become of Deomo? I have not the stregth nor does he have the time to learn the last lessons. I asked Max to relay to Deomo some tips. But did I finish what I had to say? My strength wanes so quickly... Max by my side, anchoring me to life, shining with strength and love... as the darkness overcame me again.

From the journal of D. Narheen

2005-03-07T10:52:00.000-05:00

Late last night we finally had the equipment ready for the tranfser of the child from Miss Firecat's womb. It was difficult to do the callibrations. We had to keep making adjustments every few days as we added one small sample and bio-engineered sample at a time. I was truly afraid we would lose both mother and child before it was ready. When we finally began the surgery, Miss Firecat's vital signs were so low. I had already rellogated her to the realm of death and focused on the child. The surgery was simple and relatively quick. It was a standard c-section surgery to remove the small fetus. I had done hundreds. It was interesting to see the fluxes of the child's vitals as Lt. Col. Iafik focused on his child. There is a strange bond there.

I was amazed to see Miss Firecat still alive after the surgery and commenced stitching her up. Her vitals are so low that she should have slipped silently into death during the procedure. Maxell has been good by her side and I can see this is straining his tai'shan bond with her. Humans are not tough creatures. He is so drained. He must be keeping her tied to life. She will need booster stims for her vitals and a very rich IV injection of nourishments. The child is well, now I can focus a bit on her. She is very touch and go.

It is funny how men are with their unborns and partners. I have been threatened more in the span of 3 hours here than all my time in the Empire. And if all goes well... I will likely be priases. I just ignore it all. I have a duty... and that is to see this child live. Some genetic modification may need doing to ensure her survival. I will have to speak with Avios on this.

Weak & Confused

2005-03-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

I stirred a bit this morning. I feel like death warmed over. I feel... lost... empty.. confused...

Meela!

Meela... *sigh* is fine... but not within me. The surgery proceded... did Deomo come?

Am I still asleep? Everything seems surreal and slow... and breathing is difficult, like I am not on a class M planet. *pain* ugh! I thot the pains would stop after the tranfer of Meela. My bosy must need to adjust. I feel so... empty... detached. I can hardly sense her... and can't sense Deomo on the bond at all. He is at the edge of my other senses, so maybe he IS in the room. O hope he is watching over Meela. I ... just can't move to do so.

*Max?*

Max... A steady anchor for me to hold onto. Like a becon of light shining in the darkness, he has been by my side. My strength when strength failed me. Hope when I was ready to give up and die. I can still feel him brush the back of his hand across my brow, hold my hand in his... His warmth beside me.

There are other voices in the room. *???* Avios? The doctor?

*drifts into hazy darkness*

In the haze of darkness

2005-03-06T13:20:00.000-05:00

**Max?**

Max... I know I am not alone. I can sense you beside me. I feel tired. I feel cold. Hold me... please... don't let me fall.

**Max?**

Max... I love you...

**Max?**

Giving my All... slipping away.... last desperate reach along the bonds

2005-03-05T09:10:00.000-05:00

*pain... then numb*

I drift between tension and a sense of floating. I have focused all my energy into Meela's survival. I know they are finishing the last touches on the incubation unit.

Deomo... please hear me... I... cannot hold out. I have tried. Max has tried. Meela will be safe. Please... be strong for her. I wish you were here. If you can feel me at all, please, come to me.

Max... I am so tired.....

~~~M e e l a.......

*slips into deep darkness*

Cannot wait any longer

2005-03-04T16:43:00.000-05:00

I got news from Ebe that Deomo is again safe in Theed. He is still struggling with the pendant. But he is at least safe.

The incubation unit for Meela is now callibrated. I believe this weekend we will have the surgery to move Meela from my womb to the incubation unit. I rub the small swell of her within me and whisper that I will always be near. I have gone through some nasty bouts of sweats and contractions and unconsciousness over the last several days. I am glad Maxell has not left my side. Every time I look over, I feel secure as I see his soft deep blue eyes and gentle smile. *weak smile*

Please gods... let me survive this....

Letter to Ebe about Deomo

2005-02-24T12:32:00.000-05:00

I have still not been able to reach Deomo. I am growing concerned. Max and Avios are busy here with me and Dr. Narheen. And if he is really lost on Endor... EBE! Yes, she found him before. She can find him again. I hope she would do this. I will understand if she does not.

~~~Letter to Ebe~~~
Hi, Ebe...
I need a Ranger Request. Deomo has been lost on Endor. He had a bad battle with the spirit in his pendant. I know you don't quite understand that. But some Dark Force entity has been trying to take him over... it wiped some of his memory. I need someone to go find him. Take care, if that dark force is pushing to control him he could be dangerous with a double-dot antique pike in his hand. He went there with only that weapon and no gear. Please see him safe over the weekend. I am resting in a private hospital facility that Avios build. Reassure Deomo that Meela is safe and I am well. Max is with me.
Thank you
Scar'let
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still weak

2005-02-23T17:30:00.000-05:00

I lost alot of blood. I hope someone cleaned it off the temple floor. I don't want to scare anyone entering the temple.

I am weak, but more alert. I still feel like a pin cushion. I have been getting stims to boost bloodcell replication. I sat up in bed today while Avios and Dr. Narheen explained the incubation system to me. I don't think I digested it all just yet and will ask for another explanation later.

A hand reached over to brush my cheek. "Feel like sitting on the balcony?" *smile* I think Avios was upset with his father exerting himself. But Max carefully wrapped the blanet about me and carried me up the many stairs to the balcony. There I sat in his lap with my head on his shoulder, watching the sky darken with the sunset. It was peaceful. Meela was comfortable too.

So, Deomo was well. But I still could not reach him. I wanted him here. I will try to reach him again tonight.

For the moment, Max is my foundation and my strength. *purr*

Closely Monitored

2005-02-21T15:34:00.000-05:00

The past few days are hazy. I understand now that I had way over extended my reserves struggling with that pendant and and dropped into a hemmoraging miscarry. Max rushed me here... to the Facility in Avios' home near the temple. I don't know how he managed that. He was as wiped by that evil spirit as I was... or more so as it focused on him and struck at him twice.

Dr. Narheen. That is the name of the specialist. She is a severe Zabrak woman with dark eyes, and pale bluish hair with small horns like I have. Her expression is always neutral. She does this, cares for me like it is a duty. Her focus is on what must be done to save me and Meela. She never softens her expression. At least she is very good at what she does. Meela is remarkably still within me.

Avios has been doing much of the care for me. He has a gentleness like his father. He is tired too, I can see it. He is going back and forth caring for me and for Maxell. Avios and Dr. Nahreen have taken several samples from me: blood, urine, amniotic fluid. They are working on callibrating the incubation unit to the ideal conditions for Meela.

*Max?*

Whenever I stir, by the time I open my eyes, Max is there beside me. *weak smile* He has not left my side... much like Deomo the last time I was in hospital. If I started to feel any pain, he would so very gently place his warm hand over my belly and rub slowly, soothing the tension. This time I am not under any sedation. I am getting stim shots of a med to reduce the contractions, instead of the medication. I feel like a pin cusshion. Max has help me eat and sit. He has sponge bathed me. I feel a bit rediculous, but I just can't move around much. He pauses often to just look into my eyes with his dark blue ones. I see both sadness and worry in them. He tries to hold these feelings from trickling along the bond. He smiles and kisses my brow. I am in good hands here.

I asked if he was able to reach Deomo. But there has been no response. Meela's energy has not been upset in anyway and I can sense her content with her connection to her father. Sometimes I can feel him humming. So I know he is not dead or lost from us forever.

This evening, while I had some more energy, Maxell carried me over to sit in his lap on a chair in front of the uncubation unit. Just so I can look at it... and get used to it. Avios knelt beside us and quietly started to explain how it worked. Max held out a hand and stopped him. Thank you Max. I was not ready to hear details. I just wanted to look at it. Meela will be placed in it. And will grow in it. Will I be well enough to handle everything or return to training and duty once she is there.

Will Max and I go through this when we have a child?

Chaos on the Bond

2005-02-18T22:12:00.000-05:00

I... stirred... confused.
*Max?*
Whare... am... I?
*Deomo?*
What... happened?

I heard the sounds of monitoring instruments and consoles. Itried to sit up to look around.
*PAIN*
I gentle hand held me down. The scent was familiar... Avios. Avios? The lighting was dim.
*MEELA!!*
She was fine... nestled in my womb.
*relief*
I felt weak... tired.

"You lost alot of blood Scar'let. Dad... Maxell... is here, in the chair resting. You are ok."

I looked over, Max was there. I drifted again... and dreamed... remembered. A nightmare. Real.

-----
I called to Deomo on the comm and along the frail bond. He was confused. Like he did not really know me, or that he had a daughter. *Karking spirit in his pendant struck and wiped his memory... again... GRRR* I called to Max to lend me the strength to reach Deomo. Meela reached out to him to with such excitement. It startled Deomo... and that in turn confused Meela. I summoned what I could. I tried to get Deomo to recall things. Finally I ran out of ways to jog his memory with words. I... *i am sorry* ... i did a dishonorable thing. I pushed myself along the bond to Deomo and let seep some of my empathy... forced into his mind all the memories I have. Just as he was beginning to recal... the spirit rose. I ... oh gods... i did not have the strength... and Meela was heading for it! I gathered her up struggling and passed her to Maxell. I called to Deomo. But the pendant was there laughing. Meela cried for her daddy. Max brought her close to Deomo and the pendant raged. Meela was startled. That was NOT her daddy. I took her from Max as it focused on him i pulled hard on his strength to keep me standing in this. But the spirit neither struck me, nor Meela, nor... Deomo. It struck Max! For a moment I could hardly feel him. The spirit then aimed to take hold of Deomo. Meela struggled in my spiritual hold. The feral and the Force rising in her like ... like... raging rancor bull. She escaped me. Fury in her at this thing trying to take her daddy from her. She drew on my strength and sapped me. Max was not there to help me. *!!* She pounded the spirit with raw force... power... and the incomprehension of a child's mind. I could sense Deomo connecting with her, regaining his sense of self. Max surged a moment along my bond and reached out to protect Meela. Where had not the strength... but the spirit struck him again and he collapsed. Meela raged harder at the spirit ... pounding and blasting it with raw feral energy.... The spirit relinwuished its hold. She then came back to cling to me as Deomo whispered along the bond before he too blacked out.

Pain. Searing waves of pain went through me.
And then stopped.
I lay on the temple floor.
Dizzy.
Tired.
Wet? But it was warm...
So... tired......
The scent of blood... my blood...
but I was so... tired....
*SCAR'LET!!*
*darkness*

-----
I... stirred... confused.
*Max?*
Whare... am... I?
*Deomo?*
What... happened?

I heard the sounds of monitoring instruments and consoles. Itried to sit up to look around.
*PAIN*
I gentle hand held me down. The scent was familiar... Avios. Avios? The lighting was dim.
*MEELA!!*
She was fine... nestled in my womb.
*relief*
I felt weak... tired.

"You lost alot of blood Scar'let. Dad... Maxell... is here, in the chair resting. You are ok."

I looked over, Max was there. I drifted again... and dreamed... remembered.
A nightmare.
Real.

*darkness*

Caught off guard

2005-02-17T17:26:00.000-05:00

I lay in a quiet corner. The pain was bad. I guess it was better than it could have been. I have been taking the meds as directed. But... I am still cramping with twinges and some blood. I know I do not have much time. Meela does not have much time. *worry* Soon... very soon... She will be removed from me and placed into incubation.

I summoned up some reserve strength and headed out of the temple. I have to see it. I have to see the incubation facility. See it for myself, on my own terms. I walked past someone, but never noted who as I mounted my swoop and sped to Avios' house where the lab was. A squad of stormtroopers tried to stop me along the way, but i plowed right through them and went into the safety of he house. I marched past a startled guard. *who is HE? and what is he doing here... a... Trandoshan?!?* I walked down the stairs into the basement. I walked partway into the room... and stopped. A Zabrak woman turned to face me. I froze. She was a doctor. I stood stunned. I looked at the incubation unit... then her. I was not prepared at all for anyone being there. I though the place was empty. I could not move.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I spun to face him. Avios. He took a few steps back. Why are so many people here? I just want to see this alone!!! My breath came short and fast. I felt... numb. I stepped out of the room and leaned on the wall a moment. My thoughts reeled. Flight took me. I bolted up the stairs... out the door... to the temple. On the temple roof, I collapsed against the wall on my knees, wracked by sobs.

*I have to pull myself together. I have to be focused and help Deomo.*

Brem walked softly across the roof and knelt down beside me. I turned. I quietly put his arms around me and let me cry on his shoulder. Oh how our roles are changed. Nw he supports and comforts me. He is a dear dear friend. He wiped my tears and comforted me. He has confidence that all will turn out fine. It felt wonderful for someone, anyone to say that... that it will be ... ok.

We sat and talked a bit to help calm me. He told me of his training and new professions. How he gave up pikeman certification and regretted it. But also how he loves his job as a tailor. It is wonderful to see him so happy. He found a guild hall and placed it on Dantooine. He just can't agree on a name. He described what he wanted his guild to be like. It sounded like... Muintir... family. I suggested that to him as a name.

I felt much better after talking with Brem.

I resolved to ask to see the facility alone later. But right now, I need to contact Deomo and see if I can get him trained. We are running out of time.

Then, then I will see the specialist.

Fitful Dreaming?

2005-02-17T09:59:00.000-05:00

I woke today held tight in Maxell's arms in our bedroom. He was shifting and tense and murmuring the word duty like a curse. *??* What was he dreaming? What happened to him on his mission?

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair to soothe him. he rolled a little and nuzzled into my neck.

Oh Max. One day... one day... we will have our own life... with duties of out choosing. I kissed his brow and drifted back for some more sleep.

Empathic Shields

2005-02-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

Max tried hard to teach me to work with my empathy. But I just don't dare to be off balance this close to when Deomo fights that spirit and this close to losing Meela. He poked and prodded and the slightly cracked shields I have in place around my empathic abilities.

Then he had an idea.

I called to Meela and showed her the shield and the cracks. She was curious but she just did not understand. max tried and tried to explain to her that she needs to hide behind that shield when I tell her. But she just did not understand. She just has no fear of things. And she is just too young to comprehend. I think Max was mildly frustrated that he could not figure out how to get her to understand. He has never tried to communicate with someone so young. When he showed her how to find Deomo along the bond, she went to Deomo willingly. But showing her the walls and cracks ... she had no incentive to go further.

In the end, Max built an emapthic wall himself around her and I. A wall with doors in it... to Deomo, to Kayon, to the Otherness (not that I think he could block the divine essence of the Force anyways) and explained to me that I have the key and can take these walls down at my choosing. We hope it will be able to help... when the time comes.

Max is home

2005-02-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

I discovered that Ebe had placed a TK poster in the ritual room. THANK YOU EBE!! It looks great. Now... if I can find feathers.... it would be perfect.

I turned around to discover Max coming into the temple. MAX!! *excited, relieved* I felt like I had been starved of him! He embraced me along the bond and in his warm real arms. It felt good to hear his heart beating and to inhale the fresh scent of him... to bury my face in his shoulder. *comforted*

I updated him... on the doctor meeting I had this week... on the talks with Deomo... on the hard planning to take Deomo out if he loses to that spirit.

Max brought me over to Avios' house near the temple. That is where the incubation facility will be... and where the specialist will be. Avios will be helping her. I know it ... has ... to be this way. I know I cannot carry her to term. Meela. But... it still... it still feels like I am losing her. She will not be... inside me. I touched the glass side of the incubation unit where she will be. I just could not stand in here much longer. Max took me back to the temple.

Both... gone?

2005-02-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

Great. Fate is dead set against us this week.

Max is STILL away on his mission and now Deomo has been sent off on a long mission.

Gods. I pray he can manage. I pray that all the gods and ancestors look out for him and that the Force protects him from that wretched spirit in his pendant.

They are both ... gone...
Gods... what now?

Battle Plans

2005-02-14T03:22:00.000-05:00

Deomo still has yet to fight and defeat the pendant. It gets harder and harder each day. It draws on the power of the Dark Side of the Force. It now radiates with it. Deomo is always tired. Too tired to learn the next step in the training I have to teach him. ANd now we know for sure... the spirit in the pendant WILL try to kill Meela... to get to Deomo.

That was too close a call... for everyone. And with Max so far away... I could only call upon him enough to keep me alive. I need Max here... for his strength and stability.

I explained to Deomo what Max said he would try to do IF the spirit of the pendant defeated Deomo. Deomo agreed. It is what he wants... to protect Meela.

He then drew me inside as the rain began. He sat me down for a serious discussion ... a discussion about how to kill him. *!!!???!!!* He... he ... made me promise... that if he loses against the spirit in the pendant... that... that by whatever means possible we are to cut the bonds to me and Meela... and... kill him. I did not like this discussion. I ... know it is necessary. But... it is a horrible thing to discuss your own demise. He said I needed to know... because if he loses... and the spirit takes him over... he will likely try to kill me and Meela and others... and likely use his fathers pike to do it. That old weapon has mind damaging poisons. He helped me pick people that could take him down. I was worrying about how to lead this... i am so not the combat leader. I barely consider the activities of rescuing Max as a form of leadership. That was ... luck... or a miracle. This... I didn't think I could. He said I didn't have to. Max is a good leader and will manage well. This was still very depressing to plan. Necessary... but depressing. Deomo did not want to take ANY chance that harm could come to Meela. So be it.

He still needs to learn the last techniques and soon.
I still need Max's help to teach him.

We were both too tired to do anything at the moment.

Gods... where is Max? His mission is taking so very long.

Reconciling... Accepting...Planning for Fate

2005-02-14T01:41:00.000-05:00

Sound... feeling... voices... seemed so far away. MEELA!! *panic* I reached for her. She was... fine. Asleep. *relief* I could not stop shaking and shivering. Deomo's voice, tired and weak, spoke to me, called my name. With shaking hends he pulled me up from the floor and into his lap. He held me tight. Slowly, very slowly balance was returning. The world stopped spinning. Air... it was becoming easier to breathe. I shivered in his arms for a bit.

After a few hours, we talked. He was listeing now. I told him about Max's plans... if the specialist says I even qualify for safely transplanting Meela into incubation. Deomo swore that if she could not save Meela somehow... that he would kill her. I hope Max has enough time to build the facility for this incubation thing. I only have a week. Meela only has a week.

I pray... pray that is enough time....

So Strikes an Angst Spirit

2005-02-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

The spirit in the pendant took this moment of "weakness" to strike. It rose in a wave of energy from Deomo...

And Meela... gods... Meela reach for it curiously along the bond.

NOOO!!!

It called to her.

Deomo struggled. I struggled... torn between helping Deomo and protecting Meela. I could not do both. I... could not shield Meela. I tried. GODS! I wished I had nopt turned Max's offer down. Some time ago he offered to teach me how to properly use and shield with my empathy and I refused. Oh gods... I regretted that refusal now. The spirit charged across the bond to smash my dismal shields and then try to coax Meela out across the bond. If it killed her, Deomo was all his. Meela did not understand. It felt like daddy and not at the same time. She wanted to be there.

NOOOOOoooooOOo!!!

I dropped into meditation to conserve my strength and try to pull Meela back. Deomo... in a desperate attempt to keep the spirit from Meela ripped the pendant off. It's energy is so tied to his lifeforce though... I felt him drop as the pendant slipped from his grip to roll across the the roof a few inches. I heard his breathing and his heartbeat slowing... and slowing... *what do I do?*

I shifted into focus and summoned. I called on the Otherness that used to take me before to help Deomo. I felt the Force flow into me, surge around me. It wrapped around Meela and then forced my hand to pick up the pendant and retie it about Deomo's neck. It burned up the little energy I had conserved. I remember little else for a long time... darkness... shivering...

Sad News for Deomo

2005-02-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

I hopped from Moenia to Theed and went to the library. I looked up information on funerary services of humans... as a way to distract myself. Kimbrya...

Deomo was still busy. When he was finally free he excitedly called me to see the new house he erected in place of the large generic one. He met me in Kintan and took me to the new house on the island. WOW! It looked like a castle!! It was huge... with so many rooms... ugh... and so many stairs. It was hard on me to look around and I had to pause frequently. Deomo walked worriedly beside me. It even has a roof and an outside bridge.

I want a Naboo Temple... like this....

At the entrance, Deomo placed a white trooper iniform and a black trooper uniform. "Light... and Dark... together as One... balanced." *smile* I relaxed a bit on the big staircase while I watched Deomo place some furniture. I was feeling some tension... but not a twinge. My mind was more distracted with worrying about how to deal with and to explain to Deomo this new reality about Meela. He paused in his pushing of a sofa and looked at me. Then he sat next to me and asked me what is so strongly on my mind.

I told him. ... ... that I will lose Meela... if I do not abort her.

He reacted as I thought he would. Shocked. Devastated. Denying. Angry. He bolted for the balcony roof and raged and cried there. He did not want to lose Meela. I tried to explain that Max might have a way to save her... with this specialist... if I qualify. He was not hearing me. He was a ball of painful emotions. He could not even stand. All his defenses crashed down.

Losing Meela is now Reality

2005-02-13T11:03:00.000-05:00

I woke mildly cramped... and lightly bleeding. This is SOOOO not good. I shouldn't bleed while pregnant. Should not. It wasn't much... but enough to scare me. I reached to sense Meela. She seemed fine. I need to see a doc.

I walked into the temple office to look through the database and see if max left any doc contacts. There was none. As I was there I received a comm from (Rebel) Alliance command. I was called in for a mission. MISSION!!!??? Are you karking nuts!!!??? *sigh* I have to sort this out.

I left immediately for the Rebel base near Wanders End. I could see a doc there while I am at it. I will also REFUSE my mission. But I have good reason dammit. They just need to be properly informed. I pulled on the new red and charcoal padded armor that Deomo got me. Wow... it looks so good... and is REAL comfortable. Much better that the composite armor!! I masked my scent... don't nee the karking dogs chasing me. Took up my sword.. Called up my swoop. Then i sped across the plains of Dantooine to Wanders End.

As I passed over a lake I spotted a factory... Onion Enterprise... BLIMEY! *i miss him* But I kept going. The base was just over the... gone? **!!!???* What? Where... where did it go? KARK. I don't know where there is another base. Dammit. Where is an egent? I contacted command and asked for an agent location. Moenia, Naboo. *sigh* I headed back to Wanders End. I stopped by Blimey's to see if he was at his workshop. Most of the shiprwrite stuff was gone, as was the vendor. He just had his doctors supplies there. As I coasted into Wanders End... there were... changes. It looked ... different. There was even a shuttle port. Well... handy. I grabbed a shuttle to Agro Starport. My luck! No pirates! Boarded my ship to Moenia without incident.

*cramp* I had to sit and rest a moment. *reached and cradled Meela*

When I was ok... I headed out. As I stepped out of the starport, I was mugged... sorta... by a Skaak Tipper gang member. He tasted my blade. Oh... well... i bypassed his mouth and sent it right through his stomach... so maybe he didn't actually "taste" my blade. I had to fight several others on my way to the agent. Damn! The vermin are out of full grouping today!

Inside the building, I sat to rest again and sift through my packs fro a datadisk i managed to decode the other day. My hands shook. I took a few slow deep breaths. I know I am worrying and stressing. *Meela* I hope the agent can direct me to a trusted doc. I then went over to the agent. The datadisk proved to be valuable. Good. I am glad they could use it.

My orders were to head undercover into a very busy location and listen for information. But it was a heavily Imperial monitored location. There are things moving and changing in the GCW (Galactic Civil War). I refused the mission. And explained why to the shocked officer. He was then even more shocked... and concerned. He directed me to a doctor in the med centre. Tjis was a quality Rebel doc... one of the ones who had helped Kimbrya. Good. I headed there right away.

*anxiety*

I had a full examination. I ... did not like it. I was VERY uncomfortable. But I NEEDED to see with my own eyes. *devastated* I saw the resulting tests... and the ultrasounds... and the news was.... was.... what I expected... and worse. They confirmed everything Deomo mentioned as possible, only as a definite. They confirmed everything Max said... and gave me a time limit. The doctor files papers for me and sent them off to declare me on official leave of absence. They asked me to sit and rest. I must have looked very shocky. I was kinda shocked. It is one thing to consider this a possibility. It is a whole other thing to know it is inevitable! I was given some meds to reduce the contractions and hopefully delay things as long as possible.

I should have miscarried Meela a long time ago. But the healing i got from Kayon delayed thay. I am not likely to carry her past the end of the week. *shock* They asked me to consider abortion *NO!* as I will likely hemorrage and die if I miscarry her at this point. *anxiety* I need to talk to Deomo... and Max. I will not lose her. Deomo will never agree to an abortion. Nor will I. Will Max be able to get that facility up in time? *worry* Do I have enough time? Does Meela?

I need to see that specialist. Gods... when is Max getting back?

Bad Day... Ohhhhhh so bad....

2005-02-12T22:02:00.000-05:00

I woke and was sick... soooo sick.
It was as if I ate fish!

Meela does not like eggs.

I have been sick and cramped all day. Cranky too... so I am kinda glad no one was around. Although... someone to rub my back would be much appreciated...

:(

Too sick to move... just commed all evening

2005-02-11T23:41:00.000-05:00

Hehe... that was a pun!

I woke ill and cramped and nauseous... and disoriented. Max must have carried me back down to our bed. I felt unpleasant... but not as bad as before. I must have passed out on Max. The conversation came flooding back suddenly. *frown* Ok... it is a crisis... but I can hold out a few days while we sort it out. Max doesn't have the facility built yet. So I have to take it easy till then. The specialist will see me... when? I thought Max told me. I checked my datapad for the agenda and noticed a note from Max. He was called away on a mission and was hoping to get the facility ready for shortly after Sunday. He told me to make sure Deomo takes me outside once a day. *smile* And wrote that the specialist will see me Sunday evening. Ok... that answers that.

Then I will focus my attention on the other crisis. Deomo and the karking pendant. He is running out of time. I was hoping to teach him the rest of the techniqes this evening. But I really wanted Max there for support. Also... Deomo was ... unreachable. *???* I know he has been practicing. I bet he is absolutely wiped and exhausted too. Good thing I guess... I am not really up for it.

I commed instead. *hehe... pun* I commed Brem to see how he was. He still hadn't found a guild hall to build... having trouble finding an architect to make one. SHe also still sounded a bit congested, but not as bad as before. Poor Brem. *hugs* He made two blue bangle sets for me. One I am wearing now and the other in case voritors eat this set like they did the last. *Hope it choked on it!* Now neither wrist is bare. *sigh of relief* Sometimes I wonder if I wear the bracelets to hide the ugliness of the scars or if I had gotten so used to shackles there athat the bracelets are... comforting. *shrug* either way... thounk you Brem. *love* You are always dear to my heart.

Next I commed Kayon to thank him again for the healing he did. I had an amazing few days!!!

Then... I had this feeling like I had to comm Jakob. Just a feeling. A niggling along the Force. Need called. I answered. He has been having a rough time of things with his guild and city. He is somewhat involved with an SSS member named Saari and his guild and city were disallowing her involvement. It was becoming frustrating and the hypocracy he was facing was enfuriating him. He needed to vent. I listened. I hope things work out for them. I understand completely when you love someone of the "other" faction. *sigh*

The ill feeling and much of the cramping eased while I was talking with everyone. No twinges thankfully. As the nausea passed, I braved some food: scrambled eggs and blue milk. I walked carefully about the temple and was growing tired. I had not realized I was talking with everyone for so many hours! I curled up with the kittens again... still wondering about Deomo...

The Worst News from Max

2005-02-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

Mmmmm... cozy... Max was awake and watching me. *shy* He gently stroked my brow and placed a soft kiss upon it as I was waking. Then one of the kittens licked my face *ick* and I shoved her aside. Max smiled and rubbed my head slowly till I was fully awake. Mmmmm.....

I did not want to wake. I was comfortable. I slowly sat up. *mild twinge* Max offered to make breakfast. *NAUSEA* Oh no... no no no... I could see he was stalling though. He wanted to tell me something but sought ways to not say it yet. He resigned himself and said we should go up to the roof for fresh air and to talk. *concern*

He told me about Avios. How Avios was taken from Ebe and grown in some specialized cloning lab. He explained... in broken tense words how he and Ebe claimed Avios back when they found out.... And how Ebe had taken Avios to raise and he had destroyed the facility. He told me how this is what the Imperials planned to do to Meela.

I ... Deomo... NO! No, the Imperials CANNOT have Meela. We won't allow it!!!He assured me that he not let them have her, that he... ensure they would not.... that he did some things I may not be comfortable with to ensure that. I... was not comfortable with what he did... but... I would have done the same if I could.

He also explained how I WILL lose Meela. *!!!* NOOO!!! *denial* He explained why and that he has seen the medical reports. *SAD* I... knew though. Deomo had told me. And I had realized it again not that long ago. I just... hoped......... But no.... I am lucky to still be carrying her... but it won't last and a solution has to be found soon or she and maybe I will die. *upset* This really did not help my tension and nausea. But I know he had to tell me. I know I have to think about it... plan....

*stress*

What do we do? Max had a solution. To do to Meela what was done to Avios. Have her taken from me. *NO!!!* He was arranging for a private facility with similar equipment and a couple specialists to provide the best care. I don't want this... but I ... know... I know it may be the only way. *anxiety*

I am going to be sick....

I have to tell Deomo this. Explain it to him. I... I can't make this decision alone. *anxiety*

*nausea*
*hard to breathe*
*anxiety*

*dizzy*

*blackout*

Talking in the Shrine

2005-02-11T01:26:00.000-05:00

Max looked so serious it worried me. He sat in front of me in Fyrshka's shrine. Somethings have been weighing heavily on his shoulders. He carried Fyrshka's holocron for weeks in his pocket to try to keep some of her spirit close to him for wisdom in the things he has had to do lately. Now he returned it to the shrine table, feeling he could say what he needed to say now. *??*

He told me in detail about the death of Kimbrya. How she did not really die. She just... disappeared... her very body becoming one with the Force like the Jedi's of old... like the tale of Obi-Wan Kenobi's death. It was a bit startling... but... Fitting. In the end... she was always somehow attuned to the Force. There are other things... but those things will either be passed on to the next Temple priests/priestesses just before I die or will die with me.

We talked a bit about the future... the short term future. I told him about my training session with Deomo and why Deomo is learning all this. He told me of his intention to step in and try to either sever my bond (and Meela's) with Deomo if necessary... if the spirit wins over Deomo and tries to harm up via the bond. Failing that, he said he would stand in the path and take the brunt of the impct if he can. To protect Meela. To protect me. He hoped Deomo would want this... should he lose to the spirit in his pendant.

I also mentioned bits of the good dream I had while in the hospital. I could sense if fill Maxell with such joy. *one day Max... one day... I will carry your child within me*

I felt Max had more to tell me... but he wasn't ready. So I left it at that, did not push. Not that I could in the state I was in, although, I was starting to feel a bit better... just sitting there in the shrine. Max went to move Kimbrya's Shrine. I must have been such a pain underfoot. I kept going over and getting in the way to loot over his shoulder and see that he was keeping it exact. He had to keep asking me to sit down, to please not be in the way, to PLEASE get out of the light. He was afraid to drop or break anthing. *snicker* I was having a childish moment. *sorry Max* teehee.

But that mood did not last. *twinge* *pounding headache*

My feeling good days just ran out I think.

He helped me over to our room to curl up with the kittens. I fell asleep while he finished setting up Kimbrya's shrine and lighting the candles.

Paying for the Playing

2005-02-10T22:48:00.000-05:00

Maxell was waiting for me when Deomo escorted me. *smile*

Max was tied up with a long involved comm discussion/argument. I did notwant to intrude so I sat by the garden in the grass, near the shuttleport. I stretched out on my back and watched ar the stars peeked through the canopy of the sky. Wow... The sky on Naboo is absolutely beautify, rich shades of blue and indigo. I took out my datapad for a picture.

I managed to reach Brem and talk to him a brief moment. I asked if he minded if I put Kimbrya's shrine with Fyrshka... so the spirits could have company. He liked the idea. He is looking to start his own guild now and was busily hunting for a Guild Hall to build. He could not talk long. I could hear he was terribly congested. He needed to rest, he had caught some terrible illness. I hope he gets better soon!

As I sat up, I got a small twinge. *oh no* I walked carefully with Max to the Kintan mall to see what they had. I managed to find a vibroknuckler to act as a spare for if and when my current one dies. I like to always have a spare set of arnor and weapons, meds and brandy. Max picked up some gemstones for Relik. Relik will be so thrilled. He is such a fun little guy. *smile* I can't help but smile when I think of him and his little singing of Dop-adop-a-doo... heehee.

We took the shuttle to Theed and then my ship to Dantooine. The Sgro starport was strangely empty of pirates! When we got off the shuttle at Azrith, I put on some of the new red and charcoal pedded armor that Deomo got for me. Max said it looked real good... and professional. I loke it alot. *thank you Deo!* Arrived at the temple to pay the maintenance and over to my hut to do the same.

*twinge*

I dropped to my knees on the path back to the temple.

*TWINGE*

Max came running from the temple. He helped me slowly back to the temple where I sat to rest in the ritual room. He knelt by me, worried. I told him I wanted to get stuff in place. He did it for me... not wanting me to move any at the moment. I passed him the new office things, including the little tie fighter I got. I had wanted to surprise him with it by setting it on the desk for him to find... but i just didn't dare move.

*twinge*

Gently he carried me downstairs into the indoor camp to show me the hides he set on the floor. *smile* Then into Fyrshka's Spirit Shrine. I wanted him move Kimbrya's shrine there for me... to the space I made in here. But he needed to talk to me first. *concerned* He looked at me very seriously... and sat down in front of me.

Deomo's New House

2005-02-10T16:07:00.000-05:00

Max is off yet again hunting for stuff and making arrangements for work. Busy man. Si I walked over to the Hendola EoTF Mall to look about and then hopped the shuttle to Theed.

As I stepped off a man came running up to me. Viorke. Excited to see me. Who is he? The name, the face is familiar.... He talked about his novice ranger training and his struggles with it. He was trying to update me on his doings of that last little while. I took a quick glance at my datapad and ran his name on it in the Rebel database. The bio that came up did not help me place who he was. Damn. The conversation was still very good and interesting. I don't get to just talk to someone about something I love to do. *gods I miss hunting* VIORKE!! As he left, it hit me. I met him at the Rebel Outpost on Rori the first time I went there when I was gurring it way way back when I was waiting for Blimey. Oh wow! *I feel like an idiot now*

Deomo sommed me to tell me he has located a few nice spots for a house for him and Meela. *smile* And the sopt he chose was not too far from Kintan. I hopped the shuttle to Kimtan and took my swoop to the wp of this new spot. Bandits shot at me on the way. I was barely grazed, but much annoyed. It was an island in the middle of a lake. As I stored my swoop in front of the large generic style house, Deomo stepped out the front door. He had a very uncertain look on his face. *!!* then a transport ship dropped off a squad of stormtroopers right beside his house! He yelled for me to get inside as the ship was landing. He remember the last group of stormtroopers that nearly killed me and Meela. I did not hesitate. He spoke with them briefly trying to assure them everything was fine and that realy could leave now. But they did not listen. Well, they sorta did. They were no longer concerned with us and the house, but on securing the surrounding area.

I explored the new house thoroughly by the time Deomo entered. He asked my personal opinion on the house and if I thought Meela would like it. My official opinion? It felt a bit like a cell block. Grey, cold, and no balcony or roof to get air on. He too really disliked it.

Max commed me to see where I was at and I updated him. Max suggetsed that in such a house a little girl could be happy playing hide'n'seek. Hmmm... Deomo and I tested this. Heehee. Running and hiding in the different rooms playing hide'n'seek and tag. He was being a kid and it was great to see. He even got Meela a toy replica droid! *grin*

At least till Meela complained. Then I cramped a bit and had to sit.

Deomo sat with me so quiet. When he did speak it was a deep conversation about revelations he had about himself. Who he was, the things that have changed him, who he is now... who he is deep down. Woah.

He was very tired after. Apparently he had been doing lost of practice in meditation and spirit touching and was way to exhausted now, especially after the little run around. We decided to train tomorrow instead. I commed Max to see if he could meet me in Kintan and Deomo escorted me to Kintan and then he left to crash in his new house.

Do not disturb... smile

2005-02-10T06:33:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke uncertain of where I was. I had been so... "housebound" at the temple that it took me several minutes to realize I was in Max's hendola home and why. It was still very early. Max was still alseep. curled around behind me with me enfolded in his arms. I could feel his breath and bearn on the back of my neck. And I couls feel his short hair at his brow tickle me a little between two horns on my head. We were nestled so cozy. *smile* In the darkenss of predawn... I quietly lifted one of his hands to my face and kissed his palm. He stirred slightly then tightened his embrace a moment before he was lost to full sleep once again. I doubt he consciously ever noticed. *smile* I will sleep some more I think. This is way too comfortable... way to precious a moment... to disturb.

*taishan*

An Outing with Maxell

2005-02-09T23:49:00.000-05:00

*TAISHAN!!*

"Scar'let... Scar'let? Come on...speak to me."

Huhn? What? What the kark happened? OW! Max carefully assessed me with his medbot and was applying a bacta bandage to my brow just above my left eye. OW! I blacked out again... and hit my head on the low wall of the roof. Kark. *embarrassed* Max was readiating worry until he got the full assessment done.

"You will be fine." *relief* "Oh... and there is some Rodesian in the temple.

*EMBARRASSED* "Hey, you are pregnant. These things happen." *sigh* We went downstairs and put some ice on the growing lump. Poor Relik was all surprised and a bit skittish... but not for long. He has this contageous, infections boucy happiness... almost makes me think of Kimbrya. It is so refreshing to have that energy in the temple. Relik and Max met and then He bounded off to plant his house just past mine. He returned devasted. He was not permitted to plant his house. It was a Corellian style house. Max came to the rescue with a small tattooine house. Relik was overjoyed and grateful!! He bounded off again to plant the new house. *laugh* He was tired out after that and asked if he could use the "wonderful" bed in the guest room again. *smile* Of course!

Maxell then said he was taking me out. Out?! Really!!?? *excited* "You have been cooped up too long. I can feel you going stir-crazy. I would rather escort you about to have an outing than risk you taking off on your own becuase you had it with being cooped up." *smirk* He knows me too well.

First stop: Kor Vella, Corellia
Everythime I had been there before, it had been like a ghost town. I didn't know why we were going there now. Max said he needed to stop in the bazarre to pick something up. When we landed... I was astonished! It was bustling!! As busy and Coronet used to be! He had to keep running back to grab my hand because I would just stop and stare. *feeling incredibly stupid*

Next stop: Mos Eisley, Tattooine
*inhales* Ahhhhh.. the familiar dusty smells of Mos Eisley. Again, we headed for the Bazarre. This time I had a look. OMGs!! There si all kinds of stuff I never seen nore remotely heard of before!!! I bought a small Picture Printer for the temple office computer. Wow... so much new and strange stuff!! So much has changed! Max needed to see a smuggler next so I called on Kaiyn. We met him in the starport. But Kayin and relinquished the skills and tools to help Max with ... some... blueprint. I hugged Kaiyn and we said our goodbyes.

Next stop: Theed, Naboo
Busy as usual. Not much changed here. There was this drunk Zabrak man crawling on the ground trying to scare his big bantha. What is it with Zabrak men when they are drunk? Why do thay all have to crawl around on the ground trying to scare things? *boggled* Max met a smuggler friend there and she did him the favor he needed.

Last stop: Hendola, Naboo
We grabbed a shuttle to Hendola and rode to Max's house. Hey! There is a garden in front of his house now! With a couple trainers hired there! I tugged his sleeve to point it out. He just gave me this very knowing smile. *?* "Go see who the trainers are, Scar'let." OMGs!!! A TKA trainer and a Sword Trainer!!! Max!!! *THRILLED* "So you need not hunt all over the galaxy in frustration to find them. When you get back into training, they will be here for you." OMGs... *HUGS!* Oh Max.... The excitement burned out what was left of my energy. He led me inside and gathered me into his lap while he leaned back against the pool's wall. There I slept... in his arms. *purr*

Deomo & Sprit Touching

2005-02-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

I was telling Deomo about the stuff in Fyrshka's room. He seemed confused. "Krayt Skull?" No no... i didn't move THAT! I brought him downstairs and gave him a tour. I thought I had shoun him all thes... but aparently not. He hesitated like he did before. *???* I asked him why and he said he felt uncomfortable. I encouraged him. I showed him Brem's room without going in... the guest room, the room with Kimbrya's shrine. It... that... brought him to his knees. Something in him struggled. He was ... choked up a bit... and whispered something I could not make out. When I brought him to Fyrshka's... he stood and stared. Looked about and then began to tremble slightly. The spirit energy here... the strength of the Force in this one room...

The spirit in the pendant woke and pushed again for control.

Deomo bolted from the room.
Up the step 3 at a time.
Into the blue room.
Into the far corner.
"NoooooOOooo!!!!"
He struggled with the force of that spirit.

I could feel it... but I could not keep up with him.

I felt along our bond the strength of that spirit. Damned spirit. I also felt Deomo...

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Struggle.
Center.
Dammit focus.

Over and over till I arrived upstairs.

I knelt and took my meditation pose.
Calm...
Breathe...
Calm.
Breathe.
Focus...
Center of Being...
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self...
One.
Meditate...
One.
Breathe.
Meditate.

*sigh* Good. This helped him regain control. I guess that room was a bad idea. Too close to the Spirit realm of the Force. We meditated together for a while in the blue room. When he felt calm and comfortable I asked if he wanted to continue the lessons or not for the day. he wanted to continue. I took a walk over to my hut to pick up a couple abjects and we took our places in the ritual room.

Meditation.
Connetion to the land.
Connect to the Force.
Balance.

I handed him the first object and told him to reach for it like he did the crystal and just "listen" to it... open to the Force and let the images, thoughts, senses, feelings... flow.

The first object was a bottle of Tattooine Sunburn. He struggled at first and I told him to relax, let it flow... not to force it. And then came the images, sounds, and feelings.... broken but there. i asked him to relate what he sensed from the object. Then I filled in the blanks. It was the drink that Jakob had gotten me the first time I met him in the Cantina of Mos Eisley... way back when I first arrived here and was scared and lonely and skittish of people. He was kind and respectful, honourable and sympathetic. We had talked right through that entire night. *reminiscent* He made me feel welcome... and comfortable.

The second object was a jar of chum bait. Deomo was at first disgusted. *snicker* Focus Deomo. Don't let your feelings get in the way. It was a bit easier this time. He saw and sensed more and more smoothly. I then filled in the blanks again. It was from the first time I really sat with Pahoo, Blimey's benefactor, before Blimey woke from stasis. *miss Blimey* We went fishing at the lake on Tattooine that I brought Deomo to. And camped. I did not eat the fish. Deomo was confused as to why. I explained because I was allergic. I will never forget the times I lay doubled over sick and vomiting and in pain in Blimey's Corellia house after eating fish. Never again. BLEH!

That was an exhausting exercise. I gave Deomo a pastry to eat and then he went out to check on a few things. He commed me to say he was going to catch some shut-eye. He was truly exhausted by this. *nod* As I expected.

I went to return my objects to my hut and stopped some Piket on the walk back. I stopped and watched them a bit. Then figured that if I go to the roof of the temple, I could see them much better. So, I nibbled a sandwich and leaned on the low wall of the temple roof and watched them graze peacefully. They are huge creatures. After almost an hour they slowly got down to lie on the ground for an afternoon nap. I stood up to go downstairs.

*BLACKOUT*

The Cranky Unborn Taddles

2005-02-09T11:59:00.000-05:00

I woke with a start today... to being licked and rubbed by the kittens. Max doesn't have kittens on his ship... *???* I opened my eyes. *!!* Oh! How did I end up in our room in the temple? I must have been real exhausted for Max to get me here without waking me. I stood and stretched. I still felt ok, Kayon... you are still amazing! I wonder how long this will last? I hope to do more training with Deomo today... the spirit touching... It makes me a bit nervous, but it will only be the sensing of what the objects can say about themselves... not stepping into the spirit world.

Well, I thought to take advantage of feeling good and decided to move some things around. I looked at Kimbrya's shrine and thought. Yes, yes... it could go into Fyrshka's shrine... a Spirit shrine where the spirit can have company. *smile* I will confirm with Brem before I touch anything on it though. So I went into the Spirit Shrine and began moving Fyrshka's things. I cleared a large corner. Kimbrya's shrine hardly needs that much space... but I felt that I had to for some reason make room... for... something. *shrug*

Well.... well... Meela was VERY upset with all this. Me bending and moving and hauling and all. She was cranky! Her energy was irritable and crabby and down right upset. She was so upset that she started to make me a bit nauseous. When I came up the stairs toward the ritual room Deomo was there. *!!!* "Scar'let... what in the galaxy are you doing?! Meela has been complaining to me for over an hour!" Doh! Taddled on by the unborn. Geez. He mildly... with amusement lectured me about moving about and upsetting our daughter. Then lectured me about moving furniture at all and that I should have called him to do it. *sigh* I am going stir crazy... i NEED to do something... get out or move things before I go MAD.

Return to Eden

2005-02-09T01:39:00.000-05:00

*scent of grass and flowers*
*touch of a light breeze*
*sound of a nearing voritor*
*!!!*

I sat up like I bolt! VORITOR! Where?!? Oh crap! I passed out and fell from my swoop. The voritor was sniffing at my swoop a few meters from me. I carefully crept away. It picked up my scent and foloowed at a distance. Then I masked my scent and crawled around and back to my swoop.

Max was trying to reach me. *Not now Max.*

I slowly guided the swoop further away while the voritor was struggling to pick up my now lost scent... his now lost meal. I slid onto my swoop.

*Where are you? What happened? Are you ok? WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE TEMPLE!?*

*Not. Now. Max.*

Took a quick moment to verify I was not hurt. Good. Just a bit of wounded pride... but no one really saw this stupidity. Started the engine and before the vortior could react... I was off. I swung about to make a quick assessment. The temple was closer than Eden. And there were more voritors coming from a den on my path to Eden. Oh well... Back to the temple.

*ok... now Max.*

I rode fast back to the temple to meet Max. I reassured Max I was fine. I just NEED to get out and see other things! He sighed... and understood. *thankful*

He then escorted me back to Eden for a short look about. It was nice to fly by the fallen ATAT... *remembered learning to swim there with Max* and over to the vending tents. Some neat things... but nothing that really and truly caught my eye. I enjoyed looking though. Max commed me to let me know that Fiore and Scarlette where both in the cantina. So I walked over there and greeted them. It was good to see some other faces and socialize a bit. They are redesigning their cantina.

I sat on the steps outside a moment and sent Brem a small email asking if he could make 2 sets of blue bangles for me. Something of him to keep close to me *smile* And 2 ... incase another voritor eats one set like they did the last set. *grin* I hope that last voritor choked on it of passed it with great pain!

Max then took me up in space. He showed me his little med room in the lower deck of the ship. Lower deck? Does my sorosuub have a lower deck too? I will have to check that sometime. He then got a message he needed to address and let me explore the "new" lower deck. But I was so very tired. I explored a bit and then sat on the floor with my head on my crossed arm on one of the beds. I must have drifted off...

Blackout?

2005-02-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

I hunted up some food and then took a nap with the temple cats in the ritual space... near the brazier. When i woke, I was still feeling pretty good. Kayon... you are truly amazing!!! I decided to take a quick hop over to Eden to look in the vendors and see if Fiore or Scarlette had anything interesting or new. Just to change my environment and headspace a bit. It was a short ride... so I wasn't worried. I know the swoop can outrun most anything. I masked my scent and rode off.

*BLACKOUT*

*DARKNESS*

*huhn? what?*

*darkness*

Answering Questions... even the unspoken ones...

2005-02-08T21:54:00.000-05:00

Once Relik was asleep and Deomo fed and and rested he sat back on the ritual floor facing me. We just sat in the quiet. He asked how I was. I felt ok. He was glad. Meela bounced about the bond again a bit before settling down again. Deomo is so very cute with her.

I wanted to reach out and touch Deomo... to be held by him, like he used to. But I was too uncertain... with the bond between us weakening and changing and the argument yesterday... I... wasn't sure if we were close enough for that. I hesitantly reached out my hand to take his... and decided that maybe... maybe I shouldn't. *Choked feeling... sad* "Come here," he whispered. And gathered me into his arms and held me close. I almost cried. He just held me for a long while. It was good. I needed it. He needed it.

He ran his fingers down my arm to the bracelet he gave me. *trust* and then hesitantly down the other arm to pause at the scars on that bare wrist. I went to cover them with my hand. "Why do you hide them?" Because they are ugly. "What... how did you get them?" He was so hesitant. I could sense concern, curiosity and feral fury. I ... in some broken sentenses... slowly told him of my past in detail. The slave master, my twins, Lok... Blimey... and my travel here with Blimey in stasis. I think it all kinda shocked him.

He continued to hold me for a time more. When he started to drift asleep, he said he was going up to the blue room. I needed to finish up a few things. I kissed his cheek and he hugged me. Then left to stretchout for sleep on the blue rug upstairs.

New Folks to the Temple

2005-02-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

Well... Avios hired an assistant to the crafting room, Delila. And Maxell hired an accolade to help around the temple and particularly in the office. I never got his name though.

Elca... Elca is part of the temple. I will begin lessons with her soon I think. Deomo is kinda a critual situation at the moment that is really time-sensitive. But I so look forward now to teaching Elca... *smile* Maybe... when things settle down a bit... I will hold regular lessons as small events. *hmmmm.....*

Now there is Relik. He is an adorable little Rodesian. New green... like newly kicked from the nest new. He calls himself a "little bug" and is a bit skittish to be stepped on my big critters. I found him sitting on the temple steps like a lost gnort. He is a brave and fast little fellow, but has no offensive/defensive skills. He has great aspirations though. He hopes to become an architect. Oh good. There are so few in the galaxy these days that I can't find anyone to make houses anymore. I brought him into the temple and gave him a little tour. He likes the warmth of the orange room. I explained that I am not as mobile as I would like because I was with child. He congradulated me. I introduced him to Deomo, as the father. Deomo was a bit... uncertain about this one... but was polite enough... I have a good feeling about him. And I try to trust my instincts. I think I confused Relik on the tour when I said that my bedroom is shared with Maxell. *snicker... long story Relik... forget about it for now* I hope he gets to meet Maxell soon. Max will know where to find resources for crafting and practice for him. Well, he was exhausted from his running around the galaxy, so I brought him to the guest room to sleep. He was so excited to sleep in a bed. *smile* He is such a funny little bug. His energy is refreshing in the temple.

First Lessons with Deomo

2005-02-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

Once Meela was asleep, I tentatively asked if Deomo wanted to learn from me... or... if he was still very upset and wanted to seek another teacher. We whispered apologies to each other again. He wanted to learn from me, if I wanted to teach him. *honoured* Of course.

He escorted me over to my hut first so I could search through the packs and boxes for a white crystal. Did I give them all to Max already for his Hendola Pool? AHA! No... there was one of a high quality... nice and clear, no color. Back at the temple, I pulled the ottoman over to act as a low table and set the crystal upon it.

And so we began.

Calming the self.
Breathing. In... slow.... and slowly out...
Focus... on the breathing... allow the pattern and rhythm to become even and calm.
Take note of the self... feel the energy within you... your own lifeforce.

Once that was accomplishable... it was time to learn centering the being.

Calm.
Breath.
Focus.
Self.
Oneness with your own energy.
Focus.
Focus.
Focus.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Don't allow them to distract you.
Be aware.
Focus.
Center of being... be one within yourself.
Be aware.

This took longer. It is something we often do unconsciously... especially if you are a hunter or fighter of some kind. But for this... you need to be able to do this consciously. Again.

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self.
Awareness.
Focus.
Reach into the living land.
Feel it pulse.
Become one with it.
All things are connected.
One.
Balance within.

This was going very well. After some practice, we took it a step further.

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self.
Awareness.
Focus.
Connect with the land.
Take the meditaion pose.
Focus.

Oops. The concentration faultered some. But Deomo is a determined man. He got it.

Calm.
Breathe.
Focus.
Center of Being.
One with the self.
Awareness.
Focus.
Connect with the land.
Take the meditaion pose.
Focus.
Reach to the crystal.
All is one.
One.
The Force.
One.
Balance.
Focus.
Awareness.
One with the self.
Center of Being.
Focus.
Breathe.
Calm.
Meditation.

In this state, one can review the day... sift through one's thoughts... allow thoughts/feelings/images to come and to be let go. And so our first set of lessons went. With some practice, he will take a breath and reach that inner calm immediatelt by will. He will take the pose and shift smoothly into meditation.

This lasted several hours. It was also tiring. I told him to eat something to replenish the energy he spent and then to rest.

While meditating, I was aware of a presense outside the temple. It had been there for for maybe an hour. An uncertain, sheepish presense.

Uber Cuteness

2005-02-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

*bounce* Huhn? Today could not have been any more different than yesterday was. They were on opposite side of the scale! *bounce... poke... bounce* I woke curled up to the razorcat in the indoor camp. Max had to be up early for Imperial work. I walked upstairs and knelt to meditate. *bounce* Well! Hello Meela! *bounce bounce* She was awake and her energy declared her very excited. So... she woke me. *smile* Hello my sweetling. Then she became very energetic and bounced back and forth along the bond Max showed her yesterday... *smile* and *grin* woke Deomo. Hehe. They reached for each other. He got up from the blue room and came down to sit with me. I stopped trying to meditate. He and her were playing back and forth together with energy along our bond. *SMILE* I just wanted to sit and watch. *CUTENESS!!!* They almost seemed to play tag. He was glowing with joy at this newfound connection to her. So was she.

I think this went on for an hour before I was about to speak.

He even tried to play a bit of peek-a-boo with energy. That spooked her. She did not understand. How could she? She is ... well... still in the first trimester of gestation! This alone is amazing. It was a bit similar with my twins... but that was just with me. I expect it between mother and child. But this... with her father... *smile* is just so damned cute. I was grinning from ear to ear... my cheeks hurt from it and still I could not help myself. *smile!!* He so can't wait till he actually holds her in his arms. Till he gets to teach her hunting.... I so hope he gets that opportunity.

Meela, our daughter. She bounded across the bond a few more times till she was all tuckered out and slept. *smile*

The cuteness factor of this morning was truly off the scales. *weehee*

Emotional Turbulance: Maxell

2005-02-08T06:02:00.000-05:00

And yesterday got worse... believe it or not.

Kayon woke and left quietly so as not to disturb me.

My mind was going over the day... ticking off the stupid things. I prayed Max understood that I really never meant what I said earlier. And normally I would not have even said it... but I just... i don't know what is wrong with me today!

Maxell came back. Ebe with him. She went to sleep in the guest room. They hugged and agreed to continue their talk the next day or so. He barely said a word to me and went to our room saying he was tired. I came down with him. I went to soothe him and apologize by running my fingers through his hair. He flinched. He pulled away even along the bond. *!!*

*nods* ok... ok... i really am... sorry...

I got up and walked out.

I went to sit in the indoor camp Maxell had made for me since I dared not go outside to camp. I hugged my knees, crossed my arms and buried my face in them. *alone* *i am sorry!!!* *i'm sorry...* *alone*

Max came in and stood before me. I looked up. In a choked whisper, I said i was sorry again.... and I could not stop the tears from streaking down my cheeks in small rivulets. *i'm sorry*

He knelt and wiped at my tears. The would not stop. He gathered me in his arms and I wept on his shoulder. "You will never be alone, my taishan, never."

Emotional Turbulance: Max-Meela-Deomo-Fire'fly

2005-02-08T05:49:00.000-05:00

Well then day yesterday went progressively downhill.... Max asked me what I had said to Deomo to make him so angry. *???*

When I reached for Deomo... he was... drunk... drunk and angry. *anxiety... frustration... annoyance* I could not reach him. He would not listen. I tried on the comm but he turned it off. *!!!* Max came over to me and led me by the hand to the middle of the ritual room. "I have an idea." *trust* He asked me to meditate... to focus and calm myself. While I shidted into an uneasy meditation and slowly let the peace of the oneness fill me, he commed someone with a quick message. I was too busy trying to shut things out to bother really listening to who he commed or why. Then he knelt behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. His strength flowed along the bond to support me and fill me with his love and warmth. Maxell reached for Meela. She shied from him. *she knows who daddy really is now* He was patient and encouraged her that he meant no harm and energetically held out his hand. And at the same time stepped carefully aside and helped guide her along the bonds to reach her daddy. She was uncertain about this newness... but when she connected with Deomo... there were sparkes of excitement from her! *thank you Max* But Deomo was way drunk and scared her. She did not understand this strange energy of her fathers. Max step in to protect her in case Deomo was one of those "angry drunk" types. But thankfully he is not. Deomo reached back to Meela... though still to drunk to be very coherent. Max stepped aside. But Meela still retreated to my embrace. I was not very angry with Deomo. Confused and angry. And poor Meela did not understand any of this. Hickups made her especially confused. Deomo hummed for her between hickups and soothed her. But was still too drunk and upset with me to talk to me... soon he was just too drunk.

Part of me was absolutely thrilled that Meela and Deomo could now reach each other via the bond at a distance! And part of me wanted so badly to slap Deomo for being drunk in front of his daughter! Max then stood and told me that Fire'fly was bringing Deomo here. And, that he was going to leave because he did not want to aggravate the situation. I did not have to wait long. Fire'fly arrived with a very very drunk Deomo. He teetered and leaned on the pillars then fell to the floor in giggles. *!!!* He crawled about the floor of the ritual room sneaking up and saying BOO to the perimeter crystals. "BOO! Hahahaha... I scared Yellow Crystals!!" This was embarrassing. *HUMILIATED* Fire'fly must be equally humiliated seeing her superior office like this... and having to drag him home too. *I am sooooo sorry Fire'fly* Her and I talked a few moment trying to figure out what on earth to do about him when he crawled up to her and yelled BOO to her feet. THAT'S IT!! We hauled him up to relative standing, dragged him back to the fountain and dumped him in. Before he drowned, She climbed in and hauled him to his feet. We dunked him twice more to sober him. He was cranky with her after, but i don't think she cared at this point. He somped to the brazier and stipped right there before up tossing his wet things over the edge to dry. Fire'fly turned her back. I thank her profusely for her help and she left.

What ensued after was a very heated argument about alcohol and Meela and the misunderstanding of earlier. My words were not being understood. I don't think i was understanding him either. I was so stressed and angry. I shot along the bond harsh words to Max that if this was what marriage was like then I wanted NO PART OF IT! *shock* *hurt* Even before he could react, I regretted those words. And tried to take them back.

Deomo thought I assumed he did not understand how I felt about the temple. Felt that I did not trust him to not fight in it if the enemy walked in. Felt I did not welcome him there. *!!???!!*

Gods... what is WRONG with me!!! I was emotional. I was upset. I was saying things without thinking. This is SO not like me! Gods! And all i am doing is hurting the feeling of the people I care most about!

I choked out an apology to Deomo and left him to dry out by the brazier. I went to curl in a ball of my own misery in the blue room. Try to sort out my stupidities. He came in and touched my shoulder. I tensed. I tensed because I was about to burst into tears and didn't want to. He withdrew his hand and walked out again. *fine... I am unwelcome again* Nooooooo....... *TEARS* I cried. I... felt so alone... Max was upset with me *my fault* and Deomo was upset with me *my fault* My tears were bitter in my arms. I choked whispers of apolgies to the walls. Begged the walls to explain to me why WHY are Deomo and I not understanding each other like we used to??!!! *anguish and pain in my heart... loneliness* "Because our bond is changing... diminishing," Deomo said it so softly. He had come in so silently i did not hear him while I was crying. He sat at a distance and just watched me. I turned, startled by his words. He looked at me so seriously. I could see sadness in his eyes. He was not completely sober... but definately not drunk either. He too apologized quietly. We just misunderstood each other.

Ebe had arrived at the temple. I sent her a quick message that i needed some privacy in the blue room. That she was welcome in the temple, but to just not come into the blue room. She misunderstood something and barked out hasty apologies for intruding and bolted from the temple running right into Maxell. He went after her to find out what happened.

Deomo and I went on to talk. I t then hit me... oh gods... I CAN'T carry meela to term. he had mentioned the doc said something of it... but it didn't really register then. He tried to sooth me with his words. But he really focus on trying to soothe Meela who was scared and confused by this argument and this chaos of emotions. He was drained and exhausted. He needed to sleep off the alcohol. I sat with him till he was asleep.

Then I made my way downstairs. I stood... alone... in the ritual room. I had managed somehow to upset Ebe, too today. *troubled* I am glad max went after her. I know they still love each other. I have seen it in their eyes before. He will know how to talk to her... especially wth his empathy. Meantime... I meditated in the ritual room again... trying to let its peace sink into me again as it did in the morning. *alone*

Emotional Turbulance: Deomo-Kayon-Elca

2005-02-08T05:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday... was up and down and up and down... mostly crashing and burning though.... It was a bad day for me. I don't know what got into me. I was SO not myself.

The day started with me waking in and slowly heading down to the office to get my datapad. I contacted Kayon to arrange to meet him and discuss Jedi codes and Elca's concerns. I was meditating while I waited fro Kayon to arrive when Deomo came down. I was trying hard to not let the aching in my belly get to me... I needed to talk with Kayon. That promise was way overdue. Kayon. Kayon is a Jedi now, a padawan. And Elca is very much in love with him. I was thinking about Kayon in meditation when Deomo sat across from me watching me. Kayon was with Brem to try to rescue Kimbrya. This could get messy. How do I explain this. Kayon will want to protect me from Deomo and and Deomo will not understand why Kayon is drawing his saber to kill him. I contacted Kayon and made him promise to not fight in my temple no matter who he sees. Then I tried to explain to Deomo about Kayon and how I wanted him to walk away because Kayon will not understand what is between me and him. I didn't want a fight in the temple. My words came out badly. And then I could not finish the explanaition as Kayon arrived.

They stodd facing each other across the ritual room. Kayon took a defensive stand and reached for his lightsaber. Deomo pulled out his father's pike. The room was still and electric with the potential. I reached along our bond... noting that is seemd... weaker... and tried to explain to Deomo... in the end, I asked him to walk away, this once. He left snarling ferally. *unwanted, untrusted, GROWL*

*distressed... NOOoooo that is not what I meant..... nooooooo.....*

I didn't have time to dwell on it nor to allow it to stress me. I had Kayon in front of me wondering why I called him here. I explained I was with child and having a hard time of it. We talked of the Jedi codes and the council. We discussed their current situation and the struggles they are having... and how they are now looking at the codes as guidelines and not strict adherence. How many of those few becoming jedi now are already grown men and women with lives and families. How they are seeing the strength and brightness that a reationship brings. Honour is the Law... Love is the Bond... a bond that lifts the heart and soul and lends it strength when all else seems to fail. He and Elca are going to work on their relationship together. *smile*

Maxell arrived at the temple distressed about Deomo. *???* He greeted Kayon. Then Kayon had an idea. Jedi Healing. He asked Max to dual him outside to wound him a bit so that he can kick in a jedi healing trick and pass that energy to me... to help me with the pains and miscarry risks. I was willing to try anything for Meela. They went outside and Maxell called his Graul Mauler to him and set it hunt Kayon a bit. I carefully went outside to watch, concerned. *twinge* I sat on the stair landing immediately. *dammit... i really hope...* When I opened my eyes Kayon was taking the stairs 2 at a time, dropped to his knee and touched my shoulder. *!!* A surge of Force energy poured from him into me to fill my whole body and tingle in all the sore places! It was so sudden and vanished just as suddenly. *gasp!!* He asked with a big smile if I felt that. Oh yeah! I felt that!! Wow!! Odd! NEAT! *BIG GRIN* I stood cautiously. No pain. I reached for Meela.... She was fine... more than fine. She was no longer stressed by the tension around her. I took an esier breath ... and hugged Kayon with joy! Max grinned with relief and let his pet o hunt as it pleases out on the plains. Kayon was tired now. So I led him to the guest room to sleep. *THANK YOU KAYON!!!!*

I commed Elca to let her know about the talk. She was so overjoyed I could hear her crying on the other end. She was free to love him. She was sooo happy. *smile*

Then I reached along the bond to Deomo and told him what Kayon did for me and Meela. *!!!*

Relaxing on the roof

2005-02-07T11:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I headed up to thte roof to get some fresh. Damned stairs. I havd to like sit for an hour after each flight. I reached the landing with the meditation room and layed down on the orange rug for a bit till the pains eased. Then I went up to the roof and sat at the entrance again for an hour. Slowly, I walked about the roof and took in the fresh air. I sat and leaned against the central roof hub and watched the clouds. I went through several twinges. I am not sure I will make it back down till much much later.

I thought about what Deomo had told me and aksed of me. I have to teach him. Now I have 2 apprentices. I thought about my early training.
-focus
-concentration
-center of being
-codes and creeds
-meditation
-sensing the Force
-blocking and shielding (ugh... i used to do this so well... guess i need to work on it again)
-temple philosophy
-cultural beliefs
-deep meditation
-trance
-the Force and the world of spirits

Hmmm.... now doesn't that look like a curriculum?! Ok. I think I want to start tonight. The first 3-4... even the basic meditation... i think I can teach that without overstressing myself.

I want to get the memorial ceremony planned too soon... for Kimbrya.

Max came by in the late afternoon and we got a bit caught up from his perspective. I do not always approve of his methods of achieving an end... but I realize... he is not all that different than Deomo... just a different method. We all do what we feel we must for those we care about and the ideal we hold to be true.

We then just sat together and watched the sun set and the stars shine... till late into the night. I sat with my back against his chest and his arms about me. I laid my head on his shoulder... the left one, as he incurred an injury to his right one earlier. It was so peaceful. I fell asleep there. Or at least I did.

I woke with a blanket on me and a note to check things in the temple. So I did. *SMILE* Max built a. indoor "camp" for me. *laughs* I am not meditating in the ritual room... trying to easy the waves of discomfors from doing the stairs.

Temple Discoveries

2005-02-06T10:51:00.000-05:00

Deomo woke. He seemed to be feeling much better. He woke as I did to the discovery of an old Pike. I don't know how it go there. But... it is his father's. After we sat and relaxed and ate and got our bearings, I wanted to see what Max was talking about. Before he left, he said that he made some changes to the temple and placed 11 security cameras. This was going to be like a treasure hunt! I was eager to look around... and to walk on my own. Slow. Careful. With Deomo to help me. But still... walk a bit on my own.

We looked in the meditation rooms and the stairways of that floor. There was one camera. There needs to be one facing the roof entry, in my opinion. I have seen enough little shuttles drop by and dump troops... who says they can't drop them on the roof? On the main floor... we found all the cameras there. Deomo insist that there should be one facing the entrance and tsks Max for missing it. The office has the main control console and a new painting of RIS armor. The ritual room sprts a painting on the east wall... but i do not like it. (sorry Max!) I really want a TKA poster there and some feathers (if i can get any feathers). The little Life Day shrine was untouched. *smile* In the crafting room, he mounted the blue schematic and the bio-engineer posters that Deomo gave me, that I gave to max to put up in there. Then we walked downstairs. I checked in all the rooms. Brem's was still untouched. I may move Kimbrya's shrine there....then again, maybe he really doesn't want it there. Perhaps it could share space with Fyrshka? A room for the teachers gone by? I should get a Life Day orb into that room at some point. And... and... i wish to find one for Brem... as a gift. Kimbrya loved the Life Day ceremony. The guest room was the same, just a bed and a painting. The romm next to it contained the shrine Brem made for Kimbrya. The little room that used to hold the crafting stations was empty save for 2 ottomans. The hall was dark. I need to get the sofa and torches back there I think. Fyrshka's room looked fine, no changes there either. Well, I found all the security cameras down here too. Even the one in our bedroom... heehee. Wow. The paintings in there... 2 TKA paintings to remind me of my training. And a stunning and serene painting of a valley... a Naboo valley I think. The kittens curled about my legs and I cleaned their box and fed them. I changed into some clean clothes *ahhhhhhh* But just the blue temple dress. *frown* Damn. I need some bangles or something to cover those... the scars on my right wrist. The ones on my left are covered by the bracelet Deomo gave me. maybe he won't notice the scars. He hasn't thus far.

Deomo did not come down the hall. Why? Well, I figured he would not want to enter any "private" rooms. I can understand his dicomfort. I walked back out... but... could not make it up the stairs. The pains grew bad. The twinges returned. *anxiety* Deomo just picked me up and carried me over to the Life Day shrine and sat with me till my bidy stopped having a fit. He talked to our daughter and soothered her with his humming. *smile*

He told me of the days I was commotose in the med centre. A specialist came by to see me. He told me she was good and competant. And she showed Deomo the ultrasound of our daughter within me. He began to just glow talking about it. *smile* I wish I could have seen. He told me, when i asked what she looked like, that she kinda looked like... a little worm *snicker, chortle, laugh* but still so very beautiful. *smile* He also told me he had them lower the sedation they had been giving me so I could be awake a bit. And that he took me outside. I barely remember that. I remember him holding my hand, bright blue lights, a moment of sunshine, and humming... and a few strange dreams... no nightmares. *relief* He had taken me on the balcony for fresh air. I just don't remember it much. And he hummed to me... *smile* I remember that. He never left my side and had the staff very nervous. *grin*

I curled in his lap with his lap. I took his hand and placed it over my aching abdomen. *ahhhh* Max does this. The warmth is so soothing and easing. I discovered this this morning when Max did this before he left. Max knows a remarkable amount about pregnant women. I should ask him about Ebe and Avios. Snuggled there in Deomo's embrace... Sleep crepts up, especially with his humming. I tried to stifle my yawns. But sleep crept in fast. I don't even recall when it claimed me.

Home Again... safe

2005-02-04T18:53:00.000-05:00

I woke stretched out on the blue rug of the blue meditation room. Before I opened my eyes, i was hit with pain... every muscle ached like i had not used them in days and then did all of a sudden. I ached.... But that is exactly wahat was true... i had been bed-bound for i don't know how many days, and then walked about yesterday. The cramping is still prevalent and it worries me, especially with the news that I amy not be able to carry my child to term. What will I do? I don't want to lose her. *nausea*

*breathe... breathe*

I slowly allowed my body to grow accustomed to the idea that i was awake... and not moving. The waves of nausea slowly passed. The cramping was still present but only if I moved. So I didn't.

I let my senses raom instead. The feeling of the plush rug beneath me. The darkeness that I could sense past my closed eyelid spoke of the blue room. The scent of the large painting... and of... Deomo. The sound of his heart beating... sometimes fast with his breath, sometimes peacefully slow. He was so exhausted that he did not even stir. Sometimes I could feel him tense, but too body-tired to move.

I opened my eyes. Deomo was fast asleep in one of those dead-to-the-world sleeps of exhaustion. He was been with me for i don't know how long. I have fuzzy memories of him holding my hand, bright blue lights, a moment of sunshine followed by pain, Elca... and Max... and the news that i can't carry to term... i am not even really sure how I got here.

I could smell food and Max... Max left some food for us. It was cold now. I carefully reached over and ate some. But stays down most of the time, stroking Deomo to sooth him if he tensed in his sleep. I purred for both him and our daughter.

I need to speak with Max. I need to see the specialist and find out what the kark is going on.

Scared... for us...

2005-02-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

I was permitted some time off the sedation. It was nice to be aware and look about and eat a meal on my own. Deomo carried me out to the Theed Med Centre balcony. The fresh air... ahhh... I wanted to stand. I wanted to walk and run. I wanted to go home!!! But... I nearly collapsed just from a simple stand. And the twinges returned. *scared* Deomo... he has been so good to me.

He explained that the risk for miscarriage is very very real. I could see the exhaustion and fear in his eyes. Funny... I can barely sense it on the bond. He is so hyperfocused on the pendant and his child... our child.

They gave me another sedative. But it did not knock me out like the previous ones did. I lay curled in his embrace till I drifted on my own.

Am I still here? In the Theed Hospital?

2005-02-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

I stirred slightly. Reached first within to sense the energy of my daughter. *smile* She is well. And strong. I do sense a "not rightness" though with me and this pregnancy... but... what is it?

I reached then for Max. *taishan?* I have not seen him in so long. His mission... I didn't think it would be such a long mission. I... I hoped he would be here. I opened my eyes to see if he was. But I knew he was far away. I felt it.

Blue lights. Bright. Hurt my eyes. I squinted and rolled onto my side. There was Deomo. *smile* Sitting on the floor with his head on his crossed arms on the side of my bed. My hand still in his. he felt me sir and gave my hand a gentle squeeze, reassuing me he was still with me. He looked so tired. Has he been awake all this time? I sense the doc in the next room. She seems annoyed at something. *concern*

I want to go home. I ... feel like I need to get up and out. *anxiety*

*humming* "Rest easy. You need it. Our angel needs it."

The doc came in and gave me alther karking sedative... *darkness*

strange dream

2005-02-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

The image of a three-spoked wheel or triskele shone bright in my mind as as strange whispering was heard:

Honour is the Law, Love is the Bond
This coupled with a three-fold promise:
Be true to your word, your path and yourself...

Remember... 3 ... is am important stable and sacred number...

Land Sea Sky

LAND..... SEA..... SKY.....

dream

2005-02-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

I walked out the temple door to see Deomo and a young woman who seemed so very familiar pulling on armor. *pride* "We are clearing the path for this evening's ritual and festival. We don't need the critters, nor the mokks, interfering this evening." I kissed Deomo and he gave me the smallest smile as his hand brushed my cheek. Then Deomo strode out strong and sure with the young girl eager to help him. Who is she? Why is she so familiar?

Max stepped out to see them go. He slid up behind me, wrapping his arm about my waist and lightly rubbed my slightly swollen belly. "They will be fine. Come, we need to get ready." I turned my head to see love in his eyes... those deep blue eyes. I took his hand and we went back inside the temple to set up and go over our plans for the evening.

The rest is fuzzy... This is the dream I so want as real... In my heart this is what I want. *sad* I ... do not think I will though. Fate just does not seem to really favor me. Did I wake? *humming* No... I haven't. *darkness*

Just resting

2005-02-01T13:27:00.000-05:00

They did not bother me last night with doctors and tests or the specialist. I think they are intimidated by Deomo. *smile* They left me to just rest. Deomo was sitting on the edge of the bad. One hand on my shoulder, the other holding my hand... still. I don't know if he is still humming. I hear it in my mind and flowing through my body. She is so happy with his humming.

I don't want their stranger specialist looking at me. I don't want Deomo to see my scars. I don't want them taking their tests. I know what is in those tests. I know what they will find. I do not want them to have our daughter for their war.

Someone came in and gave me another sedative. *damn*

I want to leave here. Deomo.... Max... please... take me aways from here.
*darkness*

Yesterdays events...

2005-01-31T20:00:00.000-05:00

I was awake a bit again. I had access to my datapad. Deomo is in a chair by my bed. I can still hear the humming in my mind. He must have hummed for me and our daughter all day and night. I can sense her energy resonating with his tunes. He hasn't left my side... and is still holding my hand. *relieved... calm... safe* The doctor said a specialist may be here tonite to see me. I am to remain in bed.

*sigh*

This has been a real scare. And I guess I can attribute it to yesterday's events.... the run from the Imperial squads.

So here is the journal entry that I could not upload before... sorry... it is very long:
-----

Sunday, January 29, xxx5

I sat and planned out several other things.
I looked over my current skills:
-Brawl: Master of Unarmed Combat Techniques
-Brawl: Master of 2-Handed Combat Techniques
-Medic: first aid & diagnoastics
-Master Scout (professional mastery)
-Ranger: Advance Camp Engineering
-Ranger: Field Bioscience Hunting Mastery

I assessed what I still needed to learn:
-Master Swordsman (professional mastery)
-Teras Kasi Arts: Master Meditative Techniques

These will come in time. I have to hold off on the hunting until I am past the critical phase of the pregnancy. Later today, after I speak with Kayon, I will sit down and try to remember my early training so I can then train Elca. Hm... Jedi Codes. I want to speak to Kayon about these. I will also do some research of my own. I can get a good connection to the Theed's Library if I camp not too far from the city. Also, I could stop at some of the Force Shrines or the Cantooine Jedi Temple Ruins and see if I can find anything in those places. I stopped in Coronet to get enhanced with some buffs from a doc... in anticipation of touring Dantooine. It is not a safe planet and I want to be well protected.

I stopped in Theed to see if the specialist was going to be around for me to see. I have to see a specialist in Zabrak birthing. The specialist was only to arrive Monday or Tuesday. As I was about to leave, a young girl, a Twi'lek, from SSS said hello to me. Deomo soon arrived. He thought we ought to meet. *shrug* Her name was Adriane. Her family had been killed on Ryl in a battle with the Imperials. Her mother was among the rare warrior class. Rarer still to think a woman in that class. She hopes to be as brave and strong as her mother was. *confused* I asked her why she was Imperial and part of SSS if they killed her family. She said that they had taken her in and raised her. That... she now owes all that she has and is to the Empire. She dreams of being a fine warrior. For now she is an armorsmith and a Teras Kasi Master ... her spirit ... I sense will be as strong as she hopes. She need only recognize that she already is. Deomo was a bit tough on her for being so lax and out of uniform. That I think is my fault... my lax influence. *smile*

Deomo ran a short errand while I said goodbye to Adriane and sought a goot spot to camp and research. A young brash Jedi named Gabrielle from EoTF came by as Deomo arrived. She was so cocky that I almost wished Deomo had not dropped the Bounty Hunter profession. She really needs to be slapped down hard. I hope she turns up on the terminals and gets hunted. It might teach her some humility and humbleness. Then again... maybe not. Then another rebel dropped into my camp. Korin. I looked up his bio... Oy... Slave Trader! HOW!?! *grrrrr* He is also a Bounty Hunter, so he and Deomo chatted. I focused on my research and tried to ignore him... or I might kill him without thinking.

Shortly after Korin left my camp... I found a semi-corrupted file and ran it through the rebel clean-up program on my datapad. Some scrawlings of Jedi Codes... I saved them for later reference. I will clean them up further later after I speak with Kayon.

Just as I packed my DP away, three squads of stormtroopers "stormed" my camp! They surrounded me and shoved me to the ground to search me. They searched me according to Imperial Directive 110774b. CONTRABAND! KARK! My sliced armor and weapons... and equipment. My rebel DP. KARK! Normally they would fine me. But this time they didn't. My name came up flagged on their Imperial scanners. KARK! They charged me and intended to punish me by Imperial Directive 121x-421c... which is Public Execution of a Rebel Agent!! Deomo stepped in. Pulled rank. Along the bond, he told me to run. I did. He bought me enough time to hop my swoop and take off. Deomo was soon behind me... as was a squad of stoopers... firing! Another squad landed ahead of me!! I plowed through them. *STRESS* I may be buffed... but I have no armor on!!! KARK! *TWINGE* Gods... not now. I swerved through a forest and around factories on an island and sped through the alleyways of some city. When we gained some distance, we pulled to a shuttle and hopped it to Moenia. Deomo kept me covered and fetched his ship. I needed to see a Rebel recruiter and get them to slice my name off the overt list. We sat in Deomo's new-smelling sorosuub. I was going through several very mild, almost imperceptable twinges... I needed to see the recruiter and then sit and relax. We flew to Rori... to the Rebel Outpost. Deomo stayed in the port in his ship... unseen. I walked out in search of the recruiter. I found him and had my name cleared. He warned me it would take about an hour and that I should lay low till then or hide out somewhere. Deomo said he would hide me in his ship till my name was clean again. *sigh*

I sat... feeling nauseous. Deomo needs more practice flying this ship. It doesn't handle like a tie-fighter. We sat in the top room. I watched him walk about. He... did not look well either. Pale and drained. He looked very wane. The pendant is having a very heavy toll on him. I can sometimes feel his pain, the struggle, the nightmares. They wake me from time to time. He is tired. I know he is no longer up to par for protecting me. It bothers him that he isn't. He sat down with me to explain this. He told me again about the tests he wants to do on his pendant... in the hopes that he finds a weakness. *worry*

*small wave of mild twinges* *breathe* I softly reached with my own energy to caress the energy within me that is not me... but the daughter I know I will have. *smile* I will be a mother. *smile* Easy my dearheart... we are both here for you.

The topic of conversation took a swing I did not anticipate. It was like something gripped both my heart and my lungs and squeezed hard without letting go. "Scar'let, our tai'shn bond must come to an end." *shock* "You and Max... belong together. No matter how much I love you... I know you are his... and I cannot live like this." *saddness & pain* His word tore me apart. I understood them. He was right. But... they still tore me apart. Gods... will I then never see him? Never train with him? Never sit in his lap for a moment of peace and tenderness? What about our daughter? *TWINGE* Gods... *dizzy* Several waves of medium twinges hit me. I couldn't breathe. I was ... *scared* I lay onto my side. *twinge* Deomo lay down with me and held me... humming to me and his daughter. Reaching for her, he soothed her with his energy and cradled her as best he could. She reached back to hold onto him. She recognizes his humming and his energy. *weak smile* The waves were small but I knew I was ghostly white. They eased... over 10 or 20 minutes. This was not right. When the waves mostly passed, Deomo flew us back to land in Theed.

I told him I needed to go to the med centre. I.. felt ill. He dashed ahead of me to ensure the way was clear. I walked in to not see Deomo. The room spun suddenly. I collapsed. My breath came short. Awareness waved in and out. *panic* Some woman lifted me onto a bed. She checked me out and administers an injection while her and Deomo spat harsh words at each other. *darkness* I must have been given a sedative. I tried to fight it as she ... drew blood from me? *darkness* When next I stirred, I saw many blue lights. "Rest easy, my love. I am here." Deomo took my hand and caressed my cheek. He sat and began to hum. Deep down... I was really scared. Awareness was a struggle. The humming was soothing. I drifted into darkness again...
---

Hospital?

2005-01-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning in the hospital... in a private room. A doctor in an Imperial uniform was looking me over. And then gave me another sedative. I heard him say something about how I need bed rest right now or I will miscarry. I lay my head back on the pillow...

I didn't get to upload my journal.

I didn't get to meet with Kayon.

Max won't know where I am.

Where is Deomo? He takes my hand. *I am here*

*darkness*

Hmmm... Happy...

2005-01-30T15:41:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning with mild nasea and light cramping. Welcome to the joys of pregnancy! I walked to the Orange Meditation Room and meditated there early this morning. The whispers of the temple constant in the back of my mind. It... is comforting to know it is there. Peace began to fill me. I called up the gurrcat that Max gave me. Koownye. She is here to remind me that Max loves me and is always with me... that I am never alone.

I thought about how despite the horrors of the Galactic Cilvil War, I am going to give birth to a daughter... and how much Deomo's heart glows with joy over this... his daughter. *smile* I thought how I fought and... showed leadership... and secured both Max's freedon and safety for the temple. And how lovely the blessing ritual went, how so many folks turned out for it and how they hope to see more happening here. I thought... wow... I have an accolyte. I thought... I remembered all the wonderful times I shared with Brem in the temple... how grateful I am for him to have been there with me from the beginning of setting up this temple. How we sat laughing and rolling on the new carpets while we played with the dancing bantha doll he made.

I thought how much love fills the heart and soul with the bonds of taishan. Brem still glows from it, even thought he is sad that his taishan has passed from the worlds. Her spirit will always be part of him. And I... I have two taishan. And they both love me. And I love them. I ... am very lucky.

In an ideal galaxy, I would love to be able to commit myself equally to both. But I cannot. Deomo... I give him a daughter. And already I can feel his focus there... on her... much more than on me. He has loved me... but the love he has for this tiny life growing inside me... greatly outweighs his love for me. And my heart... really wishes to commit to Max.

So... am I happy? *peaceful, content smile* Yes. I think I am.

I need to mark some sad things that have happened in our lives. But... I would like, I think, to also mark some happy ones.

I wonder... would Max... I mean... it is only a ritual with legal paperwork... but would he? *shy*
I... will ask him I think... when he gets back.

For now... I walked around the temple cleaning up the stray burne out candles. And looking at my agenda and To Do list.

Scattered thoughts & Plans

2005-01-29T22:28:00.000-05:00

Max had to go away on an assignment for the weekend. He left me 100k creds to "go have fun with".... *??* I... don't know what to do with that. Um... look for armor maybe? I still need to take things easy. The discomfort of yesterday told me this. So I decided to do wome "desk work" and sort and plan things for the coming weeks. I walked into the office, noting the sign on the wall near its entrance. This sign is also a small containment pouch with hidden datadisks within. I quickly sifted through them, nothing that is of use yet, all partial messages. I stuffed them back in. *frown* I need to update the sign too. Hmmm... I will work on that tomorrow. I walked into the office and looked about. I faced the droid detection unit that flared quietly to let me know I am carrying my mouse droid in my pack. *smile* Under the arch was the painting of a krayt skeleton. Samoe candles and a couple torches warmly lit the room. Along the longest wall was the hunting skull I earned, the Krayt skull I received from Darklighter up on the wall, under it was the new security system's main unit, then the Tuskan accessories that Brem and I have earned (still incomplete... hmmm... need to hunt there again) on a display box lit with a candle and then the toolbox full of... stuff. Hmmm... need to sort that... later. To my right was the desk, a long large desk, two visitors chairs, one large office chair. On the table was the dataterminal, a lamp and a bantha doll *smile*. Behind the desk was the large WANTED sign for Luke Skywalker. I keep thinking I want to mount the spare Rebel flag in here ... to balance to WANTED sign. *shrug*

I sat to work on stuff. I set my DP on the desk and began transfering the information I needed to send to my officer and uploading my photos to the dataterminal to free the memory on my DP. I leaned back in the chair and pondered.

What and how will I teach Elca?
Will I be able to get my information for her on the Jedi codes?
How will I plan the memorial services for Kimbrya?
What will be my training plans... now that I am pregnant?
What will I name my daughter?

No... I don't want to name her yet. Not yet. *mild anxiety* Not till I am safely past the first trimester.

My training? I best take time to sit and remember exactly what WAS taught to me... go over it from the beginning in order. I can use that as the starting point for teaching Elca as Max suggests.

Elca... Kayon... I need to reach him and see if we can have a drink together. I want to talk to him about Elca and the Jedi codes. Then... then I think I will take a trip to the Jedi Ruins on Dantooine. I would ask the spirit of Fyrshka but she was never a Jedi. And Max is hanging onto the holocron at the moment *frown* and he is away on assignment dammit.

*sigh*

My mind keeps drifting... Thinking of Max... and Deomo... and their question to me of if I am happy... and why I have 2 taishan... What is the purpose? Why are they in my life? What is the grander scheme of things in the galaxy that the Force and Fate have brought us together?

*balance*

*!!!*

*balance*

What is THAT supposed to mean?

I looked at my timekeeper and noticed I have been working in here all day! No wonder I am hungry and tired!!! I left and ate and curled up to sleep. I will ponder and meditate on thing tomorrow. maybe do the running around to the ruins and all. *yawn*

Unanswered Question

2005-01-28T11:11:00.000-05:00

Last night... I am not exactly sure what troubles me. When we, Max and I, arrived at the temple... I went from room to room to ensure all was well. Someone (Ebe?) had left a crate of flowers and a dantooine cammo kit in the ritual space. Unsure of the reason, I made a pack in the store room for here and moved them into it.

My mind was still mulling over Max's earlier question.

I noted the wonderful job that Elca and Brem have done with the temple. The burnt candles were disposed of, the place was tiry and welcoming, the kittens were played with and purring. The burnt out candle on Kimbrya's shrine was replaced. I am so proud of them. *beaming smile*

Max then went to kneel in Fyrshka's shrine. He was still suffering mildly from the disease he caught from the voritor. He didn't want me too close so as not to risk the baby. I came to sit in the room with him. I sat under the big flower of Alderaan... and watch him. I felt uncomfortable... a tension threatening to cause me a twinge.... I had done perhaps too much running around. So I sat. Peace slowing coming to me as the whisperings of the temple soothed me... and my pending cramp. *easy girl... we are done for the day... I am sitting*

He then asked me again... "Are you happy? What will make you happy, Scar'let?" Was it that obvious? Am I happy? I am not miserable... but... happy? Deomo had asked the same thing. I... I ... I just don't know. What IS happy? Have I ever been happy? I think I was happy when Brem and I played like children on the new carpet with the dancing Bantha he had made. Happy. Deomo is happy. When I told him he was to be a father... his eyes grew wide, a huge smile crept in to dimple his cheeks and his whole face lit up. He glowed with joy as it seemed to overflow. I... want to see Max like that. I ... want to feel like that. Max's heart has been so heavy of late... and thus so has mine. Naw Max has come to terms with all this... a peace of sorts. As have I. But am I happy? I was still mulling it over... thinking on how to answer Max... when Ebe arrived at the temple.

Ebe was unsure about coming in, not wanting to disrupt our privacy. Doesn't matter. I was glad for the interruption. I never want her to feel unwelcome, for any reason. She ... as it turns out, was not really upset with Max or anyone... just frustrated with where her path in life was going. She walked from the Empire, resigned her duty. Now she is trying to figure out who she is and where she wants to go with her life. We talked. I sat. I had to... or I would have twinges. I asked her if she was still up for being my midwife as she had asked Max about. *smile* She was. She had left the flowers for me and a congradulations on the conception. I grew tired very quickly though. ANd she was already tired herself from hunting. So Max set up one of the rooms downstairs for her with the starscape he had over the bed... to give Ebe the sence of being beneath the stars. I curled up in our own tiny bed and waited fro him to curl up with me. *twinge* Dammit. *breathe* *breathe* *easy* The twinge eased. Max curled up with me and placed a hand warmly over my belly. This soothed it immensely. And I slept with ease.

A Favor

2005-01-27T22:23:00.000-05:00

I woke... well... ok, some discomfort... but otherwise, well. I woke to Max... watching me for a change. *blushing smile* I felt the colour flush my cheeks. I am not sure why. In some ways, it seems like Max can see right through me, sense my very thoughts. In some ways, Max and I know each other so well... by instinct. But, in truth... what do we really know of each other... our hopes and dreams... His closeness stirs me. And then... there is always a crisis. Elca was being hunted. *sigh* I asked Brem to look in on her. She was safe after all.

Somehow... I don't thing Max and I use our time together very well. Maybe now that things are settling down... we will have the opportunity to talk. When Deomo and I are together, we have always just regarded it as a moment... and used it well. His gentle touch... so hesitant... Max is different. Max is a driving force of curiosity. And yet... I do not think he really knows me. He has never hesitated with me. He throws himself into the foray whole-heartedly. I wonder where it will lead us all.

He was now regarding me with his deep blue eyes... deep blue like the lakes of Naboo. Love in those eyes. I was lost in them for a moment. Then my datapad alarm went of with its reminder. *sigh*

REMINDER: A favor I promised: Thursday, January 27, xxx5: Check on Dolch's residences, help yourself to anything you feel you need.

I asked if Max could come with me. He didn't really want me trapsing about on my own just yet anyways. And truly... this was going to be alot of trapsing... potentially dangerous trapsing. I got buffed in Hendola just to be safe.

We caught the shuttle to Theed and drove out to Dolch's Casa on Naboo. OH! I was locked out. I know Dolch has not been here in a very long time, since his guild had moved to Dantooine. Locked out though... I could not see where the maintenance status was at. I hope he has someone else who will check on it who does have the security codes. This house was a small round hut of Naboo style near the Northern beaches. It was gorgeous. I had to allow my curiosity some freedom. *GRIN* I drove my swoop across the lake to where is joined the sea. Wow... it was breathtaking. I marked a wp for later. I want to come back here and camp with Max. As we drove back to Theed, I detoured to show Max the lookout I had found the other day. We stopped a moment to stand upon the wooden platform looking over the factories below. There were many critters about. And as we flew off on our swoops, Mauraders spang from the clefts om the nearby mountain. A couple shots grazed my bike and glanced off my armor. Max yelled for me to keep going, to not stop till I reached Theed. He lept off his swoop to allow them to think he was the easier target. Boy were they wrong. Max is an excellent shot. They barely got a chance to get him in their sights before he dispatched them.

AT Theed, we boarded Max's ship and headed to Bestine. I had only taken a guess. I had not been to Dolch's Tattooine casa. I had only been to Fyrshka's sanctuary, which is in his care. Bestine was the closest port! When we stepped off the ship, I pulled out my datapad and checked the wp... yup... I guessed good! Bestine. Max wanted to pok into the City Hall and see what was up with the current politics. The city was crawling with Imperials! I was a bit edgy. He walked about like it was normal. He leaned over to me when he saw me hesitating about going further. I asked him, what was up with all the Imperial troopers. He replied with ease... It is Bestine. It is always like this. Oh... In the City Hall, Sean was currently in power, with Victor struggling to make the next election. Sean had a small problem. One of his historical researchers needed a hand finding data in an old wreckage that was uncovered. Hmm... this could be interesting. So we went out to have a look. We both found some corrupted data disks. The researcher told us to bring them to Sean for analysis. Well.. the data turned up some skeletons in Sean's closet... he asked us to... make the info "disappear" by passing it to a contact of his. Ehn... whatever. I understand about skeletons. I am tired of seeing them... i didn't want to know the details. We went and delivered the disks to Sean's contact and returned to tell him so and show the proof from the contact. He awarded us each with a painting. Gorgeous night skyscape. I will tuck mine into my storage on my sorosuub for later... with the rest of the growing collection.

Out at Dolch's Tattooine casa, I felt a sense of Fyrshka in the house. Hmmm... wonder if they spent time here together or something. A sandstorm came up and Max and I sat in the house till it passes. The maintenance was good for another 35 days. I looked through the packs. Wow... tons of crystals! There was tantel armor. I had not seen any before. Just a helm and chestplate. I liked the look of them, but their quality was poor. There was a padded chestplate too. I was suddenly reminded of the wooly padded chestplade Eeseefa had made for me partly as a favor to Blimey. I missed it. It was very good quality. I wish I had some this time. It is less encumbering than the composite armor. But there doesm't seem to be anyone who makes any. The market is flooded with just composite armor.

Next stop... Dantooine. I was a bit concerned. WIKAN's new city out here is heavy Rebel Alliance. I did not want to be surprised by anything and have them kill Max. So we traveled out cautiously. I let my curiosity take us down a road to where I was considering moving the temple if I had to. To move it under the WIKAN's protection. It was still a nice spot. Then carefully we walked through the smill city to Dolch's casa. Inside I was caught ... shocked... by several things. *!!* First were paintings I had never seen before. The most interesting was the fiery orange one labeled BIO-ENGINEER in Aurabesh. But was shocked me more... were all the bits of Imperial uniforms and devices. *I thought Dolch was Rebel! He recruited me!!* *CONFUSED* I will have to speak to him on this when I get a chance to make contact with him. He is supposedly deep undercover somewhere. I spotted a good pair of Ubese Armor pants and put them in my pack. he had mentioned them to me on several occasions... I now picked them up. They will be good for hunting. He had other interesting things: bubble tank and glowing mystical orb. Where did he get those? On our way out, I checked the maintenance on the house,. It was good for 60 days.

My task complete, we drove cross-country back toward the temple. Pausing now and agin to stretch. On one pause, Max asked me... if I was happy... But then a critter invaded our rest and we headed out. I thought. I pondered. But I could not answer him. I... didn't know.

Funny... months ago, I wondered about love and friendship and trust. And the meanings of these words in my life... as they were so foreign to me at the time I arrived here. Now... the new word is happy. Am I happy? Hm. We need to get to the temple. We still had a long drive ahead of us. And I drove it in silence.

A moment of true peace...

2005-01-27T02:15:00.000-05:00

I had a small mishap with my ship when I went to get my backpacks. I accidentally hit something and the ship launched. CRAP. I stood a moment in panic. Normally I set the autopilot for the sorosuub... but now... it launched... And I am not ecaxtly sure how to fly it. Memories of crashing through brush on Yavin 4 flooded my mind a moment and I felt tension rise. Then I saw the spaceport. *phew* I sat. I can do this... it is like my y-wing. And the port is real close by.

Deomo: Hehehe.. Max... should I go get her? Or will you?
Max: *snicker* My tie is parked here on Naboo... I am closest... hehe... I will go get her.

*growl*
I am not competely inept. Now if I did not see the spaceport landing thingy... then I would have a problem.

Deomo & Max: Is that a Rebel technical term?

*PLLTTHHH!!!*

I flew in and landed with minor bumps. *PLTTH*

As I stepped out of the Theed starport, I saw Max, waylayed by another much older Master Creature Handler. A wookie named Milteck. He had rare pets and he and Max seemed deep in conversation. I came and looked on. Then a young woman, Tayanna Yar, approached and joined the talk and asked Max many questions. I called up Koownye and sat with her while I waited for Max to extricate himself from the conversation. I didn't want to push as I know he loved to talk pets and handling. *smile* No wonder he enjoys the spirit of Fyrshka. And it was enjoyable to listen. AND I was just plain glad to be out of the med centre!! I made a brief mention to Max that the doctors wanted to do tests and that I would love Avios to do them. I did however leave out that I spent the day in the med centre, I didn't want him worrying for nothing.

We hopped the shuttle to Hendola where we took our mounts out to the wp I marked yesterday. On the way... we saw the giant peko pekos... wow... *smile* We came across a squad of troopers. Max dismounted and saluted the officer. They exchanged pleasantries and we headed off. I noted... for later information/informant that there are new troopers. Black clad Standard Stormtrooper armor... with yellow striming down the helm, arms and legs. How strange. I wonder if the runor is true that they have cloned a new type of trooper and trained them with advanced firepower. I was asked to look into it... to test it. But... I have to be careful with how and what I risk. She... *blessed child* come first in my life. I can't risk her. So perhaps those orders... like many others... will just have to wait or be passed on.

We trekked onward till we reach my wp. It was still stunningly beautiful and serene. 2000m from Hendola and 1000m from Karen. I set up a camp... and we just relaxed here... for a couple hours. I want a sanctuary out here. I thought... maybe another temple. But... I can barely handle the one I have... and I just want to run away from it and camp... the ranger in me craves just getting away. Maybe... maybe a personal sanctuary... with a roof... a place... *whispers* for just me and Max....

Max noted it getting late and me getting drowsy. So i packed up the camp and he checked for trash. We then sent out Mounts to play in the fields and took our swoops back to his Hendola home to sleep. Serenity... this was a good day... for a change.

All is well with her...RELIEF

2005-01-26T16:19:00.000-05:00

I woke in my ship... parked... in Theed. Max was already off taking care of some duties. I was still feeing some mild twinges, so I took myself over to the med centre. They kept me there almost all day under observation. I was only just released. The doc insisted on bed stay and did several annoyingly intrusive tests on my womb. In the end, he assured me all was still well with my daughter. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

I was still to have continued relax time and not too too much running around.
He also said that since I am an Iridonian-born woman as is the father, that this is likely why I am having there complications. That these are common. And if I were on Iridonia... I would likely have already miscarried. *OY* He wanted to do some geno-tests. He wanted to take blood samples and embryonic samples to do some further testing on DNA and genetic reviews to compare against other studies for further information. I refused. Maybe later. I would rather someone I know do these. I know what some of the results are... but I was also unwilling ofr him to know... like the feral strains. Hmmm... could that also be a factor? I will ask Max to speak with Avios. I think I would prefer Avios to do the tests and comparisons.

Oh, phewie. I forgot my backpacks in the ship.

Quelling Anxiety

2005-01-26T02:13:00.000-05:00

*mild twinge*

Easy girl... I am just meditating in the gazebo. The running around is over... But i still felt no energy from her. *worry*

Max was there. Almost surprised me... but I felt him coming. He was still a ball of emotional pain... pain I just cannot heal. We talked. I let him vent. He needed to. He needed to talk out how he felt... even if it hurt for me to hear it. Finally the dust settled, the emotions calmed... and the tears were wiped away. We will work through this. Together. Somehow.

Something was up with Deomo. I did not know what... but he was having issues of discomfort and distrust. *???* Then all was quiet and he was at ease along the bond.

Shotly after... Cauil commed me. *!!!* He... said I was welcome in the city... in Emperium!!!
*stunned* He said nothing more than that. Short. Curt. To the point. No reasoning. Must have been Deomo's doing. *relief* I was worrying slightly in the back of my mind... if I am carrying Deomo's child and can't see him in his city... or when she is born and in his care... how would I go there? Well... problem solved. I will still make that a rare thing. Emperium does not hold good experiences for me at the moment. Mostly bad ones with a few... very few good-ish ones.

Max and I then ... finally started our time away. We traveled to Theed and boarded my sorosuub. I asked him to fly us somewhere pretty. Then when we stopped, he put together this new security system that he wants to install in the temple. Wow... it was BIG! He asked if he could take over the office. He wanted to handle all the administrative stuff of the temple. *smile* *RELIEF* I... I get to share this with someone. *RELIEF* He packed it away after ensureing that he had all the parts for it.

The location Max flew us to... WOW!! I got up to the top deck and WOW! It was the most amazing sight!!! Fiery red nebulas with two bright white stars! I pressed my face to the window to try to see it all. WOW!! Incredible! Gorgeous!! Max just stood watching me with a smile of almost bemusement on his face. I must have looked like a kid in a candy store told they could buy whatever they wanted.

*mild twinge*

I sat. I was tired out. Max took me in his arms and soothed me. I purred. He reached to cradle my child with his energy. And she reached back to him. *THANKFUL* I felt it!! I felt her!! Oh thabk gods.... I fell asleep shortly after. Somewhere, I snesed him get up and land the ship... but I slept on.

A troubling day...

2005-01-25T20:27:00.000-05:00

I woke in the early afternoon... Aching slightly. I did not sleep well.
I was bundled in my cloak... and Max was... gone... *?!*

My thoughts were still heavy. And I could feel max was still upset. And why not... the news I delivered... crushed him. I am commited to Max in so many ways... and yet carry the child of another within me.

.....

I need to get some air. I was feeling claustraphobic...

I wandered Hendola. I was bored. I needed a distraction from these troubling thoguhts of the night before.

I wish I was happy about all this. I have made one man I care about so very happy and the other so very very miserable. I feel like bantha poodoo.

I drove out towars Karen City. Giant Peko Peko!! Nests and nests of them! I have never seen any before. Wow! I so wanted to hunt... or just sneak in for a feather, That would be an awesome addition for the Air wall of the temple! But... no... no hunting. I dare not risk it. I dare not risk losing her.

I sat and watched them for a bit. They are magnificent! Multiple tails... brilliantly coloured plumage. Max grew concerned and asked me to keep my distance. *don't spoil my fun... I was only watching* *sigh* I moved on... out into the marshes... wow... It was... so... beautiful. Why oh why did I not see this when I was planning to put up a temple? This is a perfet place! 1000m from Karen and 1000m from Hendola. Lakes. Grass. Trees. Hills. Marsh. Beautiful. Peaceful. I set up a small camp and sat there a while... just enjoying it. *small smile* This was like my gurring it so long ago.

And yet. I was alone. I felt so ... alone. My heart sank. I can feel it. Max... distant, hurting in a way I can never heal. *choking up* Just as my tears filled my eyes... a transport ship dropped 3 squads of black clad stormtroopers each squad with some giant trooper on steroids. *nervous* I quietly packed my camp, marked the wp in my DP (DataPad) and crept away through the brush.

I quietly walked my swoop to a fair distance, climbed on and sped away... to Karen. I heard there were races there. So I located the race director and looked at the record holder... just to see if I recognized the name. Then headed back out to a little spot I so wanted to share with Maxell. A gazebo... out into the water of one of the plateaus.

My heart still felt heavy. And I knelt to try to meditate. *worry* I haven't felt the energy of my child all day...

Am I happy?

2005-01-25T06:41:00.000-05:00

Deomo asked this when I told him he was the father. "Are we happy?"

I think I have spent so much time freaking out, stressing, worrying, ill, or in pain... I never really thought about it. And the brief moments I had... I am ashamed to say that... that I wished I wasn't. The grief it has caused... The stress...

I have wanted to hide and cry and not see anyone... regretting ever having come to this galaxy... so many times over the last few months. All I have done is ruin and upset the balance of so many lives... when all I wanted to do was live my life freely... and at peace. But Fate has dealt me a terrible blow and now I am pregnant. And the strain of who the father is and the implications and how to manage things after...

Why? WHY!!??!! Why can't things just settle down and live and let live for a while!? WHY!?! do I have to have all this hardship and responsibility? Why does Max's life have to be made so complicated my my actions? WHy does Deomo's life have to be wrought with curses and interferences!? WHY WAS I CHOSEN TO STAND IN THE KARKING MIDDLE!!!!????

Am I happy?
What do you think?

*breaks down and cries for several hours in the dark of the balcony where she cannot be seen nor heard*

*PAINFUL TWINGE*

Oh gods...
This child is not to blame. She did not choose this fate. And... I am happy to have her. I was so sure I would never be able to have a child. And here she is... within me. Max... is devastated. And that... pains me so very terribly. Part of me so wished she was his. But to see the look on Deomo's face. The light and shone from his eyes. The smile that grew to dimple his cheeks.

I hope this is enough.

*easy girl... I don't want to lose you... and will never give you up*

*meditates for another hour, then walks back down to curl up near the pool and watch Maxell sleep... sleep claimer her again*

Telling Deomo he will be a father...

2005-01-25T02:22:00.000-05:00

Max rushed me to the med centre. Damn thes waves of pains and cramps. I bet it is the stress... on top of everything else. Why not? Fate seems to be bound to kill me and torture me.

I lay for a time on the bed. Max soothing me and the child...waiting for the doctor to arrive. Deomo arrived first. Max was fretted and worried.... Hurt... and left right away, with a parting word to Deomo... "Reach out to the child Deomo... it seems to soothe it and her... and ease the pain."

He hummed a bit to me and the child. He was worried too. The pains were severe... and frequent.... in waves, like contractions. Oh gods... I am going to miscarry. Oh gods please no. When the waves settled, I told Deomo....

Deomo. I had the tests done last night. I know who the father is.
Deomo. She is yours.

He stammered. He stuttered. He asked if this was a good thing. Uh... in what sense? of course it is... isn't it? Am I happy? Ask me that in a few days when all the fallout and debris settles.

The doctor came... *worried* and took several tests.... *worried*
It is as I feared. I nearly miscarried. Oh gods.
I need serious downtime. SERIOUS downtime. Bedrest is what he would prefer... i am in the high-risk category. Serious downtime and calm very very calm for the next few days. Easy on the training and activity and stress till the end of the first trimester. If I make it through the first trimester... Then I am ok. And so is she. Deomo understood my need to be with Max. I was feeling so... Max deprived. I ... never seem to be able to get time with Max wothout some sort of crisis. Deomo talked with Max about what the doc said..while I lay there. The doc was reluctant to let me go. Deomo took me out to the library grounds for a last talk.

He swore... swore he would be everything a father could be for our daughter. Understanding that I am commited to Max. But our daughter will not want for anything. He would love her with all his heart and ensure she is well provided for.

Max... felt odd... along the bond.

Deomo had to return to duty. Max would ensure I had downtime... if he locked me in a house he would. I know him. I walked back to the cantina. Dammit Max! Drunk... but not on spice, thankfully. I hauled is ass out and to Hendola and made sure he took a dunk in the pool. That sobered him. *snicker* We sat and talked and slept. We said we need to talk more later... that he is holding me to my word on something. *smile*

I am true to my word Max. I say what I mean and mean what I say.

I love you.

Telling Maxell who the child’s father is…

2005-01-25T01:03:00.000-05:00

When things began to wind down at the party, Max and I drove out to camp along the seashore. We found a nice grassy spot near the beach.

*twinge* Dammit… again. I knelt and took a few breaths while preparing to set up camp.

Once the camp was up Max and I talked a bit. I told him I met with Avios last night. And how much Avios is like his father. And that I had the tests done for paternity. *stress*

*twinge* ouch

I could feel his anxiety rise. Max was concerned. About me. About the baby. About who was father.

I told him. I told him he was not the father.

I knew there would be an onslaught of emotion. I knew. But no matter how prepared you are for it… you are never really prepared.

He raged.
He anguished.
He was devastated.

It hit me so hard along the bond. *PAIN… TWINGE* Wave after wave of twinges came. I tried to ignore them. Tried to comfort Max. Tried… oh gods… this hurt. Max’s sense of loss… the cramping… *fear* Will I lose her?

Many things went through Max’s mind. I tried to explain to him my commitment to him. My love for him. That I would… I would marry him if he wanted… if that was a way to secure my commitment in his eyes. I did not want to lose him. Oh gods please no… I think he accepted the situation. Deep down, I know it was still tearing him apart.

*CRAMP* *gasp* I doubled over. I was scared to miscarry. I was afraid. I thought I was going to die. Max was scared too, I think. I needed a doctor. But I dared not move. Wave after painful wave. It has been more often, more frequent and more painful today. Oh gods. *wince*

Max insisted we get me to Theed to see a doc. And to tell Deomo. He needed to know too. That the child was his.

Max… please… do not leave me. *scared*

Daily Distractions

2005-01-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

Oy. This was really troubling my mind. I was so distracted. I wandered Hendola for hours before I remembered I was looking for a Teras Kasi trainer. I boarded the shuttle to Theed. maybe there will be a Master wandering about there who could teach me, as Hendola has no trainer.

In Theed, I stood about the starport with my datapad searching for a master. I asked everyone who got off a ship. *sigh* no one. Hours past and night came. I was exhausted. Finally I asked Deomo if there were any trainers at all on the planet of Naboo. He told me to try Kintan. OH! Hmmm... ok. Off I went to Kintan. and YAY! there was a trainer willing to train me for 6000 creds. He was among many trainers sitting and talking "shop" in a gardern just outside the shuttleport. YAY! Finally... some official training in the new skills of focus and meditation. I hopped the shuttle back to Theed and headed to the cantina for a drink and to watch the novices practice their dancing. (blocking my ears against the novice musicians tonite though)

I tried again to see a doc in Theed, but there just wasn't any around. So to the cantina I went. My mind a turmoil of what to do... and the worry of the twinges I have had the past few days... and how to tell Max and Deomo about the child.

I watched ramndom novice dans and boosted them so they could keep dancing. I left my drink... forgotten. I was so lost in thought that I never noticed Maxell coming in and sitting at a distance to watch me. *frown* He was so subtle... like a gurrcat creeping up in the grass. *smile* I went and sat with him a moment and he asked how I was feeling. I told him I was alright. I was now... no twinges at the moment. I didn't want to worry him. I didn't need to feel his worry on top of mine and Deomo's.

He asked if I would accompany him to a small party for friend of his who is leaving for a long while. I was not really comfortable, but if a friend of his is leaving... he ought to go. So I said I would go with him. He assured me it would not be crowded and that I did not need to dress fancy.

We drove out to the beaches of the North shore. The water was wonderful. I was surprised. I had never really been near the ocean or the sea... on any planet. The sound of the waves was soothing. Everyone had the pets with them, so I called Koownye, the gurrcat Max gave me. I stood away from the crowd and just watched them. To have a bit of fun, I sent Koownye off to shadow people. *grin* I went later and sat closer to the water to watch the goings on. I realy was not very comfortable with a whole lot of people I did not know and me not really in the social mood. I sat in the sand with Koownye and max brought three of his cats over to sit with me. I felt shy and very out of place. I had too much on my mind. Max came over to sit and hold me from time to time. The folks were having duels for fun, racing pets, having a bikini contest, and then auctioning off folks as dated for the night.

*twinge* dammit *breathes and tries to ease the small waves* I have not been doing anything but sitting here. Ok... maybe stressing.

I pulled out my new datapad and some of the old notes I had gathered from the temple to go through "work stuff" to distract me. I was very quiet. I think ... no I am sure Max noticed I was not myself. Oh crap. Notes from Kimbrya... last request to type and email two notes from her. To Deomo and to Cauil. *sigh* I focused on that for a bit. Max came to sit with me. He sat behind me and I snuggled inbetween his legs so he could wrap his arms easily about me. I kept working on the emails. Oy. They gave me a sinking feeling too. *small twinge* *grumble* *stop that*

We looked like cuddled lovebird... some of the folks from the party came over and commented so. *smile* I leaned back and relaxed in Max's arms.

Fitfull

2005-01-24T21:21:00.000-05:00

I did not sleep well. The dreams... the nightmares... plagues me.

I tossed and turned. I half woke with stomache pains.

I dreamed of miscarrying.

I dreamed of the spirit in Deomo's pendant claiming him to the path of the Shadow Ancestors too early in his life.

I dreamed of Deomo no longer knowing me... abandoning... *gasp* Breking the bond.

I dreamed of Max... furious, hurt, shocked... devastated and leaving... our bond breaking.

I dreamed of pain... terrible pain...

*TWINGE* *PAIN*

I woke suddenly... in pain... ill... I crawled to the wasteroom and vomited till there was nothing left. My nerves a wreck. What will I tell Max? What will I tell Deomo? How?

I decided to walk off the cramping. I wandered Hendola. Maybe I will go find a Teras Kasi trainer and learn meditation. Perhaps that will help....

Avios Tests for Paternity

2005-01-24T02:37:00.000-05:00

I don't know whether it was the realization that I was in serious pain or the realization that I might not trust him to do this and take myself to someone less qualified. His whole attitude changed... like the feral had risen and sudden abated. He helped me back inside and sat and just talked ... talked... for a long time putting me at ease. Slowly... it became easier and easier to talk to him. He is SO much like his father.

Finally eased and calm. He brought in his med droid. I took off my jacket and laid back. He prepared to take the test sample, using nanotech-bots to retrieve some microscopic amounts of embryonic fluid for the DNA and gene sample. *nervous* It took only 15min. to get it. It din't hurt. Was a bit uncomfortable... but not painful. Avios kept the talk light. The time flew by. The sample was taken before I realized it. *nervous* He took the sample to his lab and returned. We discussed some of the what ifs.... and some of what I hoped... like further commitment.... *sigh*

The results were then wired to Avios' datapad.

And then he told me.

*Panic*
*anxiety*

Oh gods. *relief mixed with panic*
Oh gods... What do I tell Deomo? What do I tell Max? How? Oh gods...
I couldn't breathe... I frantically ran for the balcony... I needed air. Oh gods... what do I do?

Avios handed me my jacket and told me to put it on. My mind was wsimming. I put it on without thinking. He led me... numb... back to the carpet by the pool. I don't know whether he gave me a sedative... but I don't remember much. I just curled there and darkness claimed me quickly.

Encountering Avios

2005-01-24T01:34:00.000-05:00

I hiked back to Theed. There were no docs in the med centre. Oh well. *sigh*I went to Hendola to sit and meditate on Max's balcony

Avios contacted me. *nervous* he got my request. His harsh words reminded me just how much trouble and complication I seem to bring to his family. *emotionally pained* Gods... I wish it wasn't like that. I wish... *cry* His temper is quick to rise. His words cut deep and stressed me more than I thought they would. I dashed away my tears as he approached the house. There were several tense moments, tense words exchanged. My nerves ran high. Nevermind. It was a mistake to ask him. I will go see a doc or find another geneticist.... or something. I was already running for the door. He was quicker and stopped pasted the front stairs. I just stod there... so... uncertain. Gods... who else could I ask to do this? My breath came short. I felt myself flush and then pale. Gods... am I going to faint again? Then the pain *TWINGE* I doubled over in the doorway. Wave after intense wave. Oh gods... please... please do not miscarry. *please*

Hunting with Deomo

2005-01-23T20:50:00.000-05:00

Deomo has not been sleeping well. He struggles constantly with that pendant. I can sense the nightmares and darkness that haunt his dreams. I have tried to ease them when I am woken by them. He is now suffering terrible headaches from the struggle. Being more calm and balanced now than when Max suffered his headaches... I rememebred something my dad used to do for me when I had a headache. I thought it was Zabrak magic! *reminiscent smile* Maybe it was just a kids desire to believe. Maybe my dad really used the Force or something. *shrug* I will try it on Deomo if he lets me.

When Deomo commed me about the spare vibroknuckler (VK), I was glad to hear from him. I want to spend some time with him before Max and I depart for a few days. He said it was my turn to just pick the place... wherever I want to hunt. Oh goodie! I need to get away from the pink flowers of Dantooine. I thought about the squill caves again... then... hmmm... green. I wanted to see serious greenery. Endor. Dolch had once taken me training on Endor at a place called the jinda caves. Yes. That is where I wanted to hunt and train today.

I headed out there right away and set up a camp not too far from the Smuggler's Outpost. There I meditated and assessed my body. The twingy cramp earlier was quite gone. *shrug* I seemed in good form. I was calm and focused. When he arrived, I asked if he would trust me to try to take his headache away. He agreed, willing to try anything at this point. He set down his Pike and I asked him to take off his helm. Gods... he was pale. I was seriously concerned. Maybe we shouldn't hunt today. His temples still throbbed with the pain of the headache. I directed him to kneel... he is considerably taller than me. He knelt. I placed my left hand gentle on the back of his neck. Took a meditative breath. With my right hand, I stroked his brow three times. Then I leaned down and pressed my lips to his brow, nearly between his eyes, for a count of seven and release the soft kiss... and hopefully the headache. He looked up at me mildly surprized... and relieved. *smile... Dad... your magic works* I then gave him a soft kiss and asked if he was up for hunting or if he would rather rest. Oh no. He was very much up for a hunt now. *smile* I have a magic touch apparently. *GRIN*

I looked up the jinda caves. They are a POI. Off we went to hunt there. The hunting was ok... not as populated as the squill caves. We then hunted through the woods a bit... boar wolves. Once back at the outpost, we traveled back to Theed. We hopped on our swoops and he followed me while I wandered about looking for a place to set up a camp. I found us a spot of new forest. And put up a small camp.... until the rain came. Then I pulled it down and put up a fieldbase... for the canape. I do not like the rain.

*painful twinge* Dammit. That is now twice. It only lasted a moment. But it was painful. Deep in my abdomen. There was a look of concern in Deomo's eyes. I assured him I was ok. We flopped on out backs to listen to the birds, and crickets, and pitterpatter of the rain on the canape. I rolled over onto his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me. *smile* *contented sigh* I needed some time like this with him... before leaving for a few days with Max.

*twinge* This one lasted in small waves for several minutes. *nervous* Deomo insisted that I ease off the hunting and training for a bit. He watched me woth concern. Then... reached along our bond to the unborn... trying to soothe her, speaking to her and hummung to her. *smile*

I asked him what he would do if she were not his. He said... he would step aside. Not interfere in my family with Maxell. That he would see me only for training. *sad* I enjoy his company. He and I are close. Closer than Brem and I... but very similar. I love him. Much like I love Brem. Deeply, trustingly... but... I do not have the desire I did in the beginning. The taishan bond driven desire for intimacy. I am content with his love and friendship. I would be sad if he avoided me. I think he loves me more than I can love him. *sad* I am sorry for that.

I then asked him what he would do if she were his daughter. He vowed, that if she were... he would devote his lofe to her... be the best father anyone could hope for. That she would have all his love and never want for anything. She would come first in his life. *smile* He did not want to have to share her with Maxell though. It hurts him enough to have to share me. He vowed, that when there were things that Maxell really had to be involved in, he would come to take her and care for her. Knowing that my commitments are to the temple and Max... this was going to be somewhat difficult. But we would work it out. I am commited to Max in every way... just... not... signed and sealed on any legal paper.

*PAINFUL twinge* CRAP. This was several sharp waves for many minutes. Oh gods... *nervous* Worried, Deomo gathered me into his arms and held me... and soothed me. I am genuinely scared. Now that I am sure that I am pregnant, I want this child... and these twinges... gods... I don't want to lose her. He cradled us (me and the unborn) physically and along the bond. He hummed for maybe hours? Till everything within me eased and calmed. I almost dozed.

I would have dozed if my mind was not so busy thinking of the what ifs. And planning the 101 things I had to do in the coming weeks. He told me to be sure I take a break, like he did... away from these responsibilities. I nodded. *smile* I am sure Max will see that I don't even have my datapad on me... or my comm. Well, I hope not. I need to write. It helps me think. Deomo wanted to stay longer, but I insisted he go off. He wanted to do more hunting before his vacation was over. I needed some solitary time... time to myself to thinks and relax. I promised him I would go see a doctor on my way back to Theed.

blessings & annoyances

2005-01-23T16:03:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning to a sleeping Max. *smile* This is one of my favourite moment. He looked peaceful curled close to me. I lay there watching him for nearly an hour, running my fingers through his hair. Humans have so much hair... it is fascinating. Hm. I am not nauseous. *relief* But I am beginning to stiffen and cramp from all the hunting. *sigh* I took a long LONG hot shower. Then a sat a few more minutes with Maxell while I wrote him a note. He stirred a bit as I kissed him, but did not wake.

I needed to head out and finish up a few thing and see Deomo one more time before Max and I parted for our "vacation".

I went to the temple and gathered some paperwork that had accumulated on the office desk and in my storage pack. I will look at it later today or tomorrow morning. Then I headed out to the Rebel base and reported in. I got some reprimanding for being scarce. But at least they understood my reasons. I passed them the information I had gathered... not that I thought it remotely useful even to them. They glanced through it... and well... I was right. It was useless. I then did a final upload of the info on my cracked datapad... and GOT A NEW ONE!!! YAY!! Let's see how long this one lasts.

-*check* got new datapad

Sigh. Then I was asked to look into some activity that concerned the officers. Something about transmissions ... Imperial transmissions coming from Wanders End. How strange. Wanders End if very Rebel. So I headed out to look. And crap! There were two base camps set up in a nook of a hill and one had a transmission tower. Dammit. I crept closer to see if I could at least get a full count. They had a ranger cover thir tracks so my tracking was inacurate. I am out o practice. I was really out of practice. I tripped a wire. And they came at me firing all guns! I fought. I struggled. I got shot. An energy shot numbed ny left arms and another caught me in the gut and I fell. I lay for a moment, waiting for them to come in close, thinking I was unconscious or dead. I summoned up the feral... And unleashed my fury upon them. Then smashed their tower and flags.

*twinge* Oh... cramp. I sat for a moment to catch my breath.

Then headed for Azrith to check the mall for aromor. I am out of spaces and don't like to be this unprepared... just in case. Dammit. *!!??!!* I am locked out of the mall!! What the?!? Damn. kark.

Ok... I went to the shuttle and sat to fix my vibroknuckler while waiting for it to arrive, KARK! I broke it. *grumble* Deomo commed me to let me know he had a spare for me. *sigh*

Winding Down... and Cradling the Unborn

2005-01-23T06:04:00.000-05:00

*smile* Yes... this has been a long overnight. *smile* But a FUN one!!

On our way back to my ship in Mos Eisley. I brought Max out to the Tombs of MosEisley. We sat and meditated there a for a few moment. I contacted Elca on my comm and let her know that we were heading to Theed.

Looking back on the checklist...
- *check* The maintenances are covered
- *check* Brem is ok about caring for the temple

Met Elca. She was lovely and dancing to earn enough experience for her Novice Dancer's Certification. I sat to watch her. And we talked. I asked her to look after the temple ... trusting ti in hers and Brem's hands. She was so very honoured. I asked her to go in and play with the kittens. Then I asked if she could make spiritual trees for the temple to replace the ones on either side of the Gong on the Earth wall. Honour. Love. For the Temple's main code. She aksed what the code was. I replied Honour is the Law, Love is the Bond. She seemed troubled. Her heart is so wrapped in affection for Kayon. And he so tied to the current Jedi codes. I promised to look into the codes. I have a small lead. I will find what I can while I am away.

-*check* Elca will watch over the temple with Brem
-*check* ordered my trees from Elca

Max and I stopped into the med centre to heal out cuts then headed out to his place in Hendola. He rearranged the trees. *smile* Looks good.

*nervous*

I asked him to contact his son, Avios. I wanted to try to meet Avios this weekend. To have tests done... to determine patertinity of the child I carry. *nervous* It is only 3 weeks into the pregnancy. I confirmed this with a private doctor ... but now I want to know who the father is... for their sakes. Technically it shold be done at 9 weeks. It is easoer to do then... but there are tests that can get DNA at 3 weeks. And if any human DNA shows up... then I will know that Max is the father. If no human DNA shows... then she is Deomo's. *stressed* Max is worried the tests will harm the child. I am pretty sure they won't... but now he is making me a bit nervous. Nervous for the tests and nervous for the results.

-*check* request sent to Avios for the tests

We curled up by his pool on the plush rug and he rubbed my belly to soothe me. He reached with the Force to the child! *beaming smile* And didn't scare her. He has done this a couple of times. He soothes her and talks to her. *smile* I can feel her reach back to him. This morning he reached and cradled her. She was soothed... like when Deomo hums to her. *smile*

I am so blessed with these two wonderful men in my life.

Squill Caves with Max... and Deomo

2005-01-23T02:35:00.000-05:00

I woke feeling reasonable in the early afternoon. Woke to a list of things to do before Max and I take off for a few days.

-check on the maintenance of the temple and storage houses
-ensure Brem & Elca are ok taking care of the temple while we are gone
-remind Deomo that I will be away
-order trees from Elca
-contact Avios for tests Sunday night or Monday morning
-update public bio

Once my list was tapped into the datapad. Oh kark. GET A NEW DATAPAD SCAR'LET!!! I keep forgetting. I will need to head out to base soon to do that. I was going to do it right away... but... therewere voritors and huurtons outside the temple and I could not get out. I could sense Max was finishing a flying mission, so I didn't want to bother him. He sensed my annoyance at the critters and let me know that he was on his way... and for me to be patient.

When he arrived, he took out the critters. It was close for him. Then more crawled out of the ground. Dammit. *stress* Deomo offered to come help. I thought hard about asking him. But we managed to get away and Max was ok with the fight. Just. I would have prefered Deomo there I think. *smile*

Max wanted to take me hunting and training... to the Squill Caves of Tattooine. I had been there a few times hunting when I was hunting with BorDesc. But since Bordesc and I stopped talking *sad* I have not been back. That was an awesome time. He was a pikeman/doctor. He was an amazing sight to see. I LOVE watching pikemen fight. I even wrote a poem a while back on the last trip to the squill cave with BorDesc.

I had forgotten just how FUN it is to hunt there! *smile* I should do this much more often!! Why don't I? Oh yeah... i SUCK as a solo fighter. I have to have a partner or i die.

Deomo was hunting there too!!! He was with a couple of his guildmates and recruits traini as well. His helm broke so I passed him my spare. He was going to have a headache for a while from the broken helm. We kept running into him all along our hunt. *grin* It was real neat fighting alongside BOTH Max and Deomo. *amazed* I still feel like I am in a fantasy or something with them not at each other's throats. It is real wierd. As Max and I hunted, Deomo kept sneaking up to be not too far... like a protector... just keeping an eye. *smile* And Hehn! Deomo has quite a sense of humor and the fun banter across comms and cave tunnels and even the bond... was... well... made hunting a blast! Even Max got involved! They joked... together... wow! Maybe i did get kicked in the head too hard by that piket a couple days ago. And Deomo was holding out against the pendant. *proud* Hold out just a bit more... please. I know you can do it. I ... know it is getting harder. But hang on... Oh... and he was such an occassional distraction to watch ... he is a pikeman. Poor Max kept asking me if he ought to leave for me to hunt with Deomo. No... no... I was hunting with Max. But ... i just had to watch Deomo's pike swing now and again.

FInally Deomo's headache was too much and his buffs wore off. He left to train and heal... and hopefully sleep. I pray he sleeps well. *hums for Deomo*

Max is getting better. We still just do alot of watching each other in a fight... and there are the occassional stretches of silence. But it is not so bad. He talks to me more now. It help me from getting too frustrated or bored hunting. We hunted till we were tired out... physically. We made it out of the caves and stood on the mountain a bit with his gurrcat, Envy, underneath a dark blanket of Tattooine's starry night sky. We took some pictures. It was good. I don't have many pictures of Max. I have several of Deomo... but just a few of Max. (hehehe... yes I still have the incriminating photo of Deomo... smiling... hehehe) But this is a real good one on Max. I will have to make it a small framed pic to carry with me.

Holy crap what a DAY!

2005-01-22T07:12:00.000-05:00

I slept from like noon till 6pm yesterday. Now my internal time-keeper is way way off. I had hoped to wake feeling well and rested. I felt disoriented. So I ate some food and wandering Max's house for a bit, dropping off two of his empty pack in the side room.

I then started doing some research on rituals and rites of union. Just skimming what is out there abd well known. I was also looking up Jedi regulations for Elca... nothing yet. The migraine grew steadily. *grumble* And with it the nausea returned. Kark. Yesterday was not going well.

I met Brem and Maxell in Theed, outside the cantina. I could not bring myself to go in. The press of people. The noise... oh gods the noise. Brem and Maxell came out. Brem looked good... *snickers* and changed clothing accessories (for the third time in 20min according to Maxell). Max had something to take care of and parted, leaving Brem and I alone to get caught up. We went to the Library balcony. I had to walk to avoid puking.

We met someone inside. A fellow I had seen and listened to the music of in the cantine. He is a very shy musician named Dexo. We exchanged words and contact information. Dexo is just starting out in the world. *smile* How exciting. I invited him out to the temple. it would be nice to hear music echo in its hallways. I needed to sit soon though and bare him a good evening.

Brem and I sat for several hours on the balcony. We talked about Kimbrya. He had been holding up and appearing "many" and "strong" but I could sense his heart bursting. I wrapped my arms about him and instantly his tear flooded his cheeks. He wept for some time. And then he began to heal... and remember the good things she had done and her last wishes for him... his final challenge: to LIVE and live well... for her.

*nausea* Dammit... why won't this pass... *grumble*

I then asked Brem to watch over the temple and Elca while I take some time with Maxell to readjust. Brem asked me about the baby. When I will know whose it is, if I knew whose it is. If it was really safe hunting at this stage of the pregnancy. I feel she is a she...the energy just feels... female. But I do not know whose she is. The regular test are usually done at 9 weeks into the pregnancy. If I find a good geneticist, I may be able to do earlier tests this weekend. I am afraid to know. Part of me wishes it didn't matter. And part of me has mulled around the idea of aborting. No child means less emotional turmoil and complications with everyone else. the timing is very bad with Deomo's pendant and all. But... *sigh* I just don't know. Now that I have had a week of knowing this and have sensed her myself... curious and strong... I can't do it. I just can't abort.

The pendant made a try for Deomo again and I stood fast to go help him... The balcony spun and the nausea rose. I must have paled and turned green for Brem made me lie down immediatle and was deeply concerned. I lay there with my head in Brem's lap as we talked and he tried to lighten the mood to help ease my nausea. I could not help Deomo. I worried on it. Then he was ok... he forced in his control. *PROUD*

Maxell came out to meet us on the balcony. His presense was reassuring. He was practically bouncing with glee. *???* And Deomo was hunting with such joy... *???* Max then said he was just out talking with Deomo *panic* And he smiled and watched me. Deomo was trying out some new deadly nightsister lances. Max? Deomo? *shock* They talked and... *shock* came to an understanding... *shock* and shook on an agreement of peace! *SHOCK* I thought I was delerious or fell through a black hole... or maybe i was actually unconscious and dreaming or something. Did I hear that right?! I asked Deomo... he concurred. *shock* They both seemed well pleased with themselves. Max had given Deomo the Nightsister lances to help Deomo protect me when we hunt togther. *shock* Maxell was giddy. It was making us all giddy.

I feel a bit ... shell shocked! *smile* Wow... *relief*

At the temple, after I had a bit to eat and my tummy felt normal again, Max and I raced. *laughs* I raced him from the Library of Theed, Naboo, all the way to our temple on Dantooine. I was sure he would beat me to hist ship and his ship if faster than mine. But I arrived on Dantooine before him. Then I flew on my swoop and crashed into a building. He swept up behind me on the ground and tickled me merceilessly then bolted off. I lept onto my swoop and sped direct. I could see him on my radar... way way behind me. Then he was lost from my radar. As I pulled up on the temple and ran inside... there he was!!! How the hell?!? *laughs* I think he cheated somehow... I just can't yet figure out how. Now I was much exhausted.

We hunted about the temple and found the very moving shrine that Brem erected for Kimbrya. The words carved upon the table were from his heart. Max and I just sat there in silence for a bit. Then I sent Brem a note. Her shrine belongs in her room, the one they shared. She only slept in this room once. I took a quick look into his room and found the yellow crystal I had given Kimbrya when I first met her. It now radiates with her energy. It was sitting on a pillow of Brem's bed.

I had had a rough day and so curled to try to sleep more. Maxell came into our room and saw that I was nestled into bed. I reached over to pet the kittens, Anya and Kitahn, named after the twin daughters I lost. I closed my eyes and placed my hand on my own belly... to caress the daughter I will have. Maxell smiled and said he would be in shortly. He went to meditate in Fyrshka's shrine. I was soon asleep.

I woke early again... um... 5AM... I never felt Maxell come to bed and gather me into his arms. *smile* But now I am awake... ugh... and ill. Of course. But it isnot as bad as yesterday. It passed in a couple hours. I Curled back up to him and watched him while I lay there. Noting his eyebrows, the grey in his hair, the soft roundness of his face, the shadow of a face needing a shave. *smile* I ran my fingers through his hair. He did not wake. *smile* I think I will lie here and do this for a while...

Bad Sick today

2005-01-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

I stirred this morning in Maxell's arms *smile* and ran my fingers through his hair again.

Then my stomach lurched. I sought the waste room...
I was so sick... really sick. Worse than when I was pregnant with the twins.
I tried hard not to wake Maxell.
I so want this to pass.
I pray it doesn't become a preganancy long thing.
*shaking, chilled, nauseous*
*hot, sweaty...vomiting*

I check my timer now and again.... 2 hrs... ugh...

Then 5 hrs...

*nauseous*

I have been up since 4AM... slept 3 hrs...

When this passes... I am taking a long nap.